quezacotl Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 neither of us want to break up. we have a family and a good life together. sex is the only major issue in this relationship, everything else is good. But I dont know what to do. I try to compromise. I try to have sex once a week, tho I admit I dont always succeed at that and oftentimes it's not the great sexual experience he would like. my compromises are always either not frequent enough or my lack of enthusiastic participation wasnt enough for him. so far we've seen a marriage counselor and ive seen an individual therapist but both are going down a "let's try to fix your repulsion" route. I dont feel like they understand or care about my asexuality. They think my lack of attraction is because of lack of Intimacy and it's not. I feel very close and in love with my husband. that does not change the fact I have no sexual desire for anyone, not him or anyone else. They basically think fixing our relationships will fix the sex life but there's nothing else major in the relationship to fix..... and what frustrates me abt the counselor is the feeling that, although I know he is making major compromises too.... they seem to think I'M not compromising. as if every time I have sex with him, sometimes multiple times a week, its not me compromising and trying.... We even tried an open relationship (i.e. he can sleep with other people but not have a emotional relationship with them) so he can get gratification elsewhere and I'm fine with that idea, but he says he doesn't want sex with people he doesn't know because of the risk factor and hes afraid of what would happen if he accidentally impregnated someone. he says polygamy (dating me and someone else) would be a better solution, but I have told him flat out that I can't do that and if it's what he wants, it can't be with me. I feel like I'm at a dead end. I'm going to see a hormone specialist soon as a last ditch effort but I really dont think anything is going to make me feel less disinterested in sex. Am I missing something else that can be attempted so we can hopefully achieve a better middle ground??? I just dont know what else I can possibly do. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Unfortunately, I have little advice. Just one thing: are he and his potential partners clueless about contraception?? This is really a risk which can largely be eliminated. On the other hand, I have to say that I personally don't support sex without emotional committment. I'm not expecting you to share my views, but I deeply believe that sex should be something more than pleasure only - a deeper, more serious bond between people. I have never been in a relationship and perhaps I will never manage to, but being fully sex-averse, I can imagine being in an open relationship. However, a perfect scenario of such a combination for me would be my partner's lover being our mutual friend. I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who has completely different values and believes that sex without committment is fine. Fortunately, such a belief and such needs are less common among women and I can only imagine dating women - no heteroromantic relationships for me. However, I really wanted to respond because a part of your post really sounds significant for me. 47 minutes ago, quezacotl said: so far we've seen a marriage counselor and ive seen an individual therapist but both are going down a "let's try to fix your repulsion" route. I dont feel like they understand or care about my asexuality. They think my lack of attraction is because of lack of Intimacy and it's not. I feel very close and in love with my husband. that does not change the fact I have no sexual desire for anyone, not him or anyone else. They basically think fixing our relationships will fix the sex life but there's nothing else major in the relationship to fix..... and what frustrates me abt the counselor is the feeling that, although I know he is making major compromises too.... they seem to think I'M not compromising. as if every time I have sex with him, sometimes multiple times a week, its not me compromising and trying.... See - the situation you are describing confirms my suspicions. Often, when forum members are seeking psychotherapy or counselling due to various issues, I advise them to be careful and remind that many therapists aren't asexual-friendly. Because of this, I'm sometimes judged to be anti-therapy. I'm not, I'm just rather pessimistic about the current state of education about asexuality among psychologists and therapists. As it is now, I fear they might rather be "agents of compulsory sexuality" and that, therefore, they may push asexual clients to do things these people don't want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Things are tricky with people of incompatible orientations. If you both cannot find options that work, it's going to be the divorce papers. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Juliace Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Hey @quezacotl, Thanks for this post! I'm in this kind of marriage right now and we're also pretty frustrated. I do have a good therapist and she's trying to get me to do what is best for me, even if it's a painful decision to end the marriage and probably be alone for the rest of my life. He's in a sexual relationship with somebody else and it's been more than 2 years; I had also OK'd hooking up with people casually, but now he needs it to be somebody he trusts (which makes sense as the casual thing can get messy). But what happens is that you begin to care about each other: this relationship is quite close though neither of them wants it to be monogamous or cohabiting (he says, and I believe him). So he spends (what I consider to be) a lot of time with this person and I am not really OK with it. I'm still having trouble not being jealous or resentful. I've read the books about polyamory and done the worksheets on coping with negative feelings and it's not helping. Now I'm trying to decide when to give up trying to "fix" my feelings and just end it. I have been trying to handle it and it's still not OK for me. We don't have kids but have been together more than 25 years and we're VERY financially dependent on one another. So if we split we probably will stay married and will continue to pool our finances at least for a while (which is fine with me). So you can see I sympathize with your situation for obvious reasons! When I found out about asexuality I was so relieved that I'm not broken, and I never did try those medications. Personally I would not take any drugs designed to change what I want, even to save my marriage. I have to trust myself to know what I do and don't want, and trust that I was made this way so it must be OK to be this way. I've lived outside the US since I was 30 and since then it looks to me like Americans take way too many prescription drugs for things that the rest of the world finds a way to live with (not diabetes or chronic illnesses obviously). Women especially seem to be pathologized when they don't conform to what society teaches us to be; medical interventions based on that are scary to me. So it's just one person's opinion but please think hard about taking a drug designed to change who you are. I'm finding that posting about my situation and relating to others in similar ones is actually helping me think it through and clarify my feelings. So I encourage you to keep posting and reading here @quezacotl as you try to find your way. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Sounds like you need different therapists we had good experiences with a practice specializing in LGBTQIA, not traditional sex or relationship therapists. There tends to be a lot of overlap with LGBTQIA and counseling people dealing with stuff like open/poly (since it's all about sexuality?) but not in the "fix your sexuality" format. Link to post Share on other sites
quezacotl Posted June 16, 2019 Author Share Posted June 16, 2019 Thank you all for the responses! After this and also reading some posts around here, I do feel like a new therapist might be in order. I didn't even know LGBTQIA specific therapists existed, although that absolutely makes sense... so I think having someone who doesn't make me feel vilified and understands that this isn't something I can ""fix"" will help. Someone who can talk more about the solutions that are on this forum: fair & balanced compromise, for example. And thank you @Juliace ; you understand exactly what I fear with polyamory and why I was comfortable with one "open" relationship but not the other... I'm with you: I think, despite my best intentions, polyamory is something I would really struggle with. I support it theoretically and it's a beautiful thing for many... but you have to be of a certain mindset to really live with it problem-free and I don't think I am. I also neglected to mention some of the more practical issues of splitting (custody, financial ones, and the fear of being likely alone forever if divorced) because I don't want people to say "you shouldn't stay together only for that". We're not, but they are things to consider... finding a connection with someone is rare. finding a connection when you're out as asexual and your dating pool is tiny is harder! When you're ace but far from aro that's a hard thought. So it really is worth it to work on the relationship if you can, and you have that option, I think..... Thanks for sharing, it does help to know I'm not alone! Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 12 hours ago, anisotrophic said: Sounds like you need different therapists Exactly what was going through my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 On 6/16/2019 at 8:57 AM, quezacotl said: I didn't even know LGBTQIA specific therapists existed hah yeah we fell into it because I've recently been going through a shift in gender identity, and my therapist said "your partner sounds ace". the practice we went to regularly advertises at pride events. And having a therapist who can contextualize to "other ace people and their partners" that she's worked with -- I think that was probably really helpful. It made everything more grounded. we don't have time to do open/poly -- I have permission but I think it's better to focus on building up our own relationship first. IHMO it adds more challenges than it "solves" because an intimate relationship with someone else is probably going to involve me having feelings for them too -- or them for me. (Impregnating is the concern? really? that comes off as naive: people develop feelings. you or them or both. can't solve that with a vasectomy.) So... my husband's attitude is "ok, someday in the future" and come back to it later, and I think that's helped a lot (I don't feel trapped, but setting it aside for now). (PS to add: don't have time because we have young children, being a parent is exhausting, I can't imagine dating on top of it all! gaaah) Link to post Share on other sites
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