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Still fresh. Haven’t told my wife.


InvisibleSquid

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InvisibleSquid

I’m fresh here. Like, I’m currently in the midst of realizing I’m ace. My wife and I have been married over 12 years, and have had a healthy sex life, but it’s almost always her who initiates it. I do it to make her happy, and I do enjoy it, not gonna lie. But I don’t desire it the way she does, so I feel bad. I do get horny, but I don’t feel that need to have sex with a partner. I have zero issues with just taking care of myself and getting on with my day/night. I actually prefer it that way most of the time. But if she’s with me I’d feel guilty not “inviting her to the party” so to speak. I haven’t told my wife yet. She’s bi (and until recently I thought I was, too), so I think she might be understanding. But I also fear that she might be upset because she does have desires and might think we’re done having sex. She has said in the past that she feels unwanted. Knowing I’m asexual might help her in that respect. I don’t think it will change our relationship much, because I do still want to make her happy, but I’m still scared to put it out there. I should also mention we have five kids. We’ve done the thing a lot. Part of me thinks she won’t believe me after all this time. Am I overthinking?

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Greetings and welcome,

 

That bit about "She has said in the past that she feels unwanted." gets tricky.  Can you keep up with her sexual desires and fake the sexual attraction?  I ask because I couldn't.  In fact, I often completely missed those signals from my partner that she could really use that kind of affection.  My partner initiated every time too, but this was against her normal nature. 

 

My relationship ended, sort of, and before I became aware of my own asexuality.  She is a friend and we share an unusual living arrangement.  I have not told her yet because there is no reason other than to address old wounds that are already healed over.  You though may be able to address something affecting your present relationship. 

 

A couple people here on AVEN forums are in open relationships with aces or a sexual partner.  They find other ways to share their love for their partners.  Your wife already has an unmet need in your hetero-normative relationship.  I do not know how you manage that side of her sexuality.  It might be an easy transition to "I love you dear, but I'm going to sit out this time.  You go have fun.  I have my cake." 

 

Speaking of...

sticker,375x360-bg,ffffff.u2.png

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Sam Sunshine

Hello

 

I would definitely discuss it with her, communication is really important.  My husband is sexual and I am either asexual or have no libido - I'm not 100% sure on that at the moment.  But things would be really bad for us if we didn't communicate our feelings.  I think I find that a lot easier than my husband, I practically have to beat it out of him!! lol

 

Also I was reading someones post earlier about how relationships evolve and change over time.  I often wonder that surely after 15 or so years of having sex with a spouse does it not get tiring or not important? The trouble starts when one of the couples expectations differs from the other and to be honest that must happen in 100's of peoples relationships.  I don't think we are alone in our muddles.

 

Sam

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InvisibleSquid
14 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:

Greetings and welcome,

 

That bit about "She has said in the past that she feels unwanted." gets tricky.  Can you keep up with her sexual desires and fake the sexual attraction?  I ask because I couldn't.  In fact, I often completely missed those signals from my partner that she could really use that kind of affection.  My partner initiated every time too, but this was against her normal nature. 

 

My relationship ended, sort of, and before I became aware of my own asexuality.  She is a friend and we share an unusual living arrangement.  I have not told her yet because there is no reason other than to address old wounds that are already healed over.  You though may be able to address something affecting your present relationship. 

 

A couple people here on AVEN forums are in open relationships with aces or a sexual partner.  They find other ways to share their love for their partners.  Your wife already has an unmet need in your hetero-normative relationship.  I do not know how you manage that side of her sexuality.  It might be an easy transition to "I love you dear, but I'm going to sit out this time.  You go have fun.  I have my cake." 

 

Speaking of...

sticker,375x360-bg,ffffff.u2.png

I do keep up, I guess. I mean, I frequently give in and have sex with her when she asks. There are just many times I wish she wouldn’t ask. Even if I’m aroused, I feel like I’d rather just “play” than have sex. I’d never really considered having an open relationship, either. I don’t know how that would work, or how either of us would feel about that. 

 

Also, I’m curious about this cake thing...

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As someone who had sex with first a husband and then a longtime partner, by the time I learned about asexuality and realized what I was (i.e., that I probably was never going to "learn to like sex"), I was really exhausted and sex-repulsed.  Believe me, it doesn't get any better.  At some point, it's going to be a really difficult thing in your relationship.  Best to talk with her about it now rather than later.  At least she may be able to understand that it isn't that you aren't attracted to her, you just don't want sex, period.  

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So cake.  ... all the cake all the time.  The cake is not a lie on AVEN.  Someone long ago started a tradition of welcoming new people to AVEN with cake.  There is overwhelming agreement that asexuals would rather have cake than sex.  Not a fan of cake, how about pi (cake)? 

 

Pi-Cake-500x333.jpg

 

(pardon me, I am tired after a crazy Father's Day shift at the restaurant.  probably a little crazy too.)

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InvisibleSquid

“The cake is not a lie!” LOL 

 

I’m not a huge cake fan, either, but I like it more than most pies. But a chocolate pi cake...? Hmmm...

 

Also, I totally dig that cake design with the asexual colors. Which I didn’t realize were as such until just a little while ago. Like I said, I’m still fresh. I love purple, so I guess it’s just as well. I dig our flag. Starting to feel like I fit in here. 

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InvisibleSquid

Just an update. I still haven’t said anything to my wife. But I’m getting closer and closer to needing to. I don’t think I can keep it from her much longer, but I don’t even know how to tell her. Like, how does one even bring that up??

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Ace of J,

I agree, you do need to tell your wife, for your own sanity and hers. Partners usually can sense something is wrong, too.

Have you heard of Non-violent Communication? It can be very helpful in such situations. Also, you might want to get ready; for example, write down what you'd like to say, as this might help you clarify your own thinking. Then choose a time when there is no distractions and ask your wife to listen and refrain from interrupting until you say everything you need to. Make sure you say how much you appreciate your time together, remember some special times/events. And then come out with it. My own personal favourite is to tell a story, but i's different for everyone.

In my own marriage I've only put a name to what was going on with me (my child questioning their sexuality helped me to discover what I've known deep down all my life) after a while we sort of 'separated', i.e. we are very good friends and still live together, he with his new partner and all of our respective children, and I on my own after a turbulent relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend that resulted in me going from 'not bothered' to sex-repulsed. 

Coming out to my friends was harder, as at my age (57) most dismiss it putting it down to menopause, lol

Anyway, fingers crossed.

 

 

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InvisibleSquid
1 hour ago, Leksi said:

Hi Ace of J,

I agree, you do need to tell your wife, for your own sanity and hers. Partners usually can sense something is wrong, too.

Have you heard of Non-violent Communication? It can be very helpful in such situations. Also, you might want to get ready; for example, write down what you'd like to say, as this might help you clarify your own thinking. Then choose a time when there is no distractions and ask your wife to listen and refrain from interrupting until you say everything you need to. Make sure you say how much you appreciate your time together, remember some special times/events. And then come out with it. My own personal favourite is to tell a story, but i's different for everyone.

In my own marriage I've only put a name to what was going on with me (my child questioning their sexuality helped me to discover what I've known deep down all my life) after a while we sort of 'separated', i.e. we are very good friends and still live together, he with his new partner and all of our respective children, and I on my own after a turbulent relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend that resulted in me going from 'not bothered' to sex-repulsed. 

Coming out to my friends was harder, as at my age (57) most dismiss it putting it down to menopause, lol

Anyway, fingers crossed.

 

 

Thank you @Leksi

I did end up telling her (see this post) and it's been... interesting. Things have been okay, I guess, but not quite right. And now I've got this going on. Feel free to follow along. LOL It's been a ride.

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