Mason88 Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 I am new here and have very recently (as in the past week) discovered that the feelings I have had my whole life is actually me being Grey-Asexual. I am married and have been with my wife for nearly 15 years and I love her dearly. There has been many times in the past where she has questioned my love for her because I do not ask for sex and has expressed concern that I do not love her in 'that way'. I've always thought there was something wrong with me for not being that way, but now I've discovered this identity. I feel like if I can explain this identity to her, she will be able to understand why I act the way I do towards sex. However, I am strangely terrified of bringing this up with her. Is there any advice on how to come out to my spouse? Sometimes I think that if I were to tell a friend first that that will kind of break the ice on me talking about it and make it easier to say again? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
monokuro Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 i desperately wish i had some advice to give you, but i still haven't even been able to bring it up to my ex. didn't figure it out until we were already a few years into being separated, and at that point there was nothing left to fix. if you love your wife, talk to her as you would to a friend. there's a good chance that telling a friend first wouldn't have the best outcome to begin with, and that might further put you off from talking to your wife about it. she's as invested as you are in your marriage, she should be the first to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Kayla Flowers Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 Hello! I had a recent experience coming out to my fiancé and he said he had sort of guessed I was on the asexual spectrum. If your wife has heard anything about asexuality in the past then could it be that she may suspect that of you? Regardless, I would say the best thing would be to explain what asexuality is and then explain how you fall into that. When I was speaking to my partner about it, it was tough because I think he sees sex as a sort of validation for how I feel about him. However, once I explained that even though for him, romantic love and sexual attraction go hand-in-hand, for me that is not the case. I assured him that I feel immense romantic love for him and I want to be with him, but I have realised recently that I have never felt sexual attraction towards anyone. Many people do not consider that romance and sex can be considered separately and I think explaining that helped a lot in our situation. It's still not an easy ride but it has encouraged us to be far more honest with each other - he tells me when he would like to have sex and I'm honest with him about whether I feel I can or if I need more time. I've found that this alleviates much of the anxiety because I know he's not silently getting frustrated with the situation or worrying that I don't love him. I really hope some of that helps! Let us know how you get on and remember, how your partner responds is not your responsibility, but it's important to be true to yourself. It may be a difficult conversation but if you want to be together then you will work it out in time xx Link to post Share on other sites
TurnedTurtle Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 It sounds like you two have already had some conversations in the past about the mis-match in your sexual interests, it's just that in those previous conversations you didn't have the information you have now about asexuality. Could you build on those previous conversations as a springboard to introduce this new information? "Honey, you remember last month when we were arguing about..... I recently came across some new information that I think might offer a helpful explanation...." Just an idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Mason88 Posted June 13, 2019 Author Share Posted June 13, 2019 17 hours ago, mkrom said: there's a good chance that telling a friend first wouldn't have the best outcome to begin with, and that might further put you off from talking to your wife about it. she's as invested as you are in your marriage, she should be the first to know. I agree, thank you for helping me keep my head on straight! 4 hours ago, Kayla Flowers said: If your wife has heard anything about asexuality in the past then could it be that she may suspect that of you? Regardless, I would say the best thing would be to explain what asexuality is and then explain how you fall into that. When I was speaking to my partner about it, it was tough because I think he sees sex as a sort of validation for how I feel about him. However, once I explained that even though for him, romantic love and sexual attraction go hand-in-hand, for me that is not the case. I assured him that I feel immense romantic love for him and I want to be with him, but I have realised recently that I have never felt sexual attraction towards anyone. Many people do not consider that romance and sex can be considered separately and I think explaining that helped a lot in our situation. It's still not an easy ride but it has encouraged us to be far more honest with each other - he tells me when he would like to have sex and I'm honest with him about whether I feel I can or if I need more time. I've found that this alleviates much of the anxiety because I know he's not silently getting frustrated with the situation or worrying that I don't love him. I am unsure as to how much she knows about asexuality, considering how misinformed I was until recently, but maybe I could be lucky! I do think my wife also feels that sex is a validation of love, and I think that is why telling her frightens me, because I do not want her to think I do not love her even though I would explain that it doesn't mean that. One thing that I am glad of is that even though I do not have any desire for sex, I have no issues with having it; so if she is needing it, I won't have any problem obliging. Thank you for your insight, it's very helpful. 2 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said: It sounds like you two have already had some conversations in the past about the mis-match in your sexual interests, it's just that in those previous conversations you didn't have the information you have now about asexuality. Could you build on those previous conversations as a springboard to introduce this new information? "Honey, you remember last month when we were arguing about..... I recently came across some new information that I think might offer a helpful explanation...." Just an idea. You're absolutely right, we've had this conversation, but I had no idea that there wasn't just something wrong with me, that this is who I am. I think that is a great idea to build on the previous discussions. Thank you so much for this idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Mason88 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 On 6/13/2019 at 4:56 AM, Kayla Flowers said: Let us know how you get on... I spoke to her over the weekend, and it went pretty well. She was in shock at first, followed by fear, disbelief, definitions, understanding, then acceptance. Once she understood what it meant, and I gave her examples from our past, I think she realized I've been this way for awhile. She even came up with some behaviors that I didn't even realize demonstrated my asexuality! She, of course, still has questions and concerns about how this effects our relationship, but we are at least having the conversations and being able to move forward understanding each others needs. It definitely wasn't easy, but it was absolutely worth it, and much healthier than trying to keep it hidden. Thank you all again for you guidance and encouragement! Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I’m glad it went well! I’m currently trying to build up to a similar conversation with my spouse, but still terrified. This thread gave me some hope though. Link to post Share on other sites
DoubleA Posted June 26, 2019 Share Posted June 26, 2019 Its good to hear you were able to talk to your wife and it went well. My wife is the one who brought being asexual up to me. Like you, I was completely unaware I was asexual and it caused a lot of contention through the years that I would never initiate sex. Her having the courage to bring it up to me that it was a possibility has led me to understand myself so much more. We opened up the dialogue around it so that she can learn with me how it affects our relationship. As I come to a realization or a way of defining something we sit down and discuss it. So far it has been good for both of us. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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