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He Knew My Identity and Didn't Care...


Chl0eisn0tmyrealname

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Chl0eisn0tmyrealname

This boy just poured his heart out to me through Instagram messenger. He knew my identity because I'd met him at a party a couple years ago. He hit on me and I was tired and just came out to him to get him off my back. We spent the rest of the night jokingly picking and choosing which of the other girls might be a good next choice. Yesterday I came out publicly on Instagram. He messaged me saying he was proud and really liked me and wanted to be with me and that he thought it would be fine because sex wasn't everything in a relationship. He just didnt get it. He took it well when I explained it to him, thank goodness, but it meant I had to delve into some past experiences. I was with someone a really long time ago and I loved him as much as I could ever love anyone or anything. More than I've ever seen anyone love anyone else. And it didnt work. Right now I'm just a bit upset. A bit shameful even. Im not grey ace at all, for me it's not an option. I'd appreciate it if anyone could relate...

xx much love 

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Chris Zulas

i feel ya. while u can easily be ace and not aromantic, u dont have to date people if u dont wanna. its rly that simple. its a shame he had feelings where it want meant to be (fuck, ik that feeling in a v different way) but also sad that he had to be told why. i take it he wasnt scummy tho - and u werent for rejecting him! if he leaves it there and i understand the situation well ur both in the green. being a young woman must be tough beinhg ace - its also very tough being a fat beardy guy-lookin dude but for completely different reasons. i just hope u have a good rest of your day, and that u dont let past events drag u down. well after i knew i was asexual i was molested by a woman in high school in front of people who stood there uncomfortable and did nothing. i shared that with you because while it enrages me i can talk about it without becoming inflamed. i say that because whatever you went through, whether it SEEMS easier or harder, thats not a linear scale, or even a scale. if ur not comfortable with talking about it, u owe absolutely NO ONE (other than maybe a trusted and good and not shit counselor) your past info. did my story sound hard to say? it just wasnt for me. is it because im brave? open? fuck no. im extremely lucky a random dice generator in my brain made ikt so i dont feel it. there IS no noble reason i CAN talk about that, im not maya fucking angelou. thats not saying my pain wasnt as bad/was easier/whatever than hers bc its not a fucking contest and on a purely real, physical, actual level, its not something with a number or quality. only share that if you WANT to, whatever it was. idk if u went thru similar stuff, and i cant help u thru that as much as id love to make 7 billion clones to do that with everyone, but know u didnt err and u dont have to explain shit.

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I'm not entirely sure what it was he didn't care about or didn't understand.  You saying you're asexual is not necessarily the same thing as saying "no thanks" to being asked out.

 

Quote

He messaged me saying he was proud and really liked me

I mean, as far as potential range of possible reactions you could have gotten goes, I feel like you got off pretty easy.

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Chl0eisn0tmyrealname
11 hours ago, Chris Zulas said:

if he leaves it there

Well turns out he didn't! Messaged me later rescinding everything. And started arguing what I'd said. He was saying "But that was a long time ago, I promise this would be different and you don't have to say no, give this a chance, get to know me, I would never impose anything on you, no sex wouldn't frustrate me, I know you said that would be a problem but it won't be" and so I had to go over the entire basis of the sexuality or lack thereof lol. I had to explain that that's something you cant promise and that monogamous relationships like that don't work. Its exhausting doing that. Why is it so hard for heterosexual people to understand this?

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Chl0eisn0tmyrealname
6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm not entirely sure what it was he didn't care about or didn't understand.  You saying you're asexual is not necessarily the same thing as saying "no thanks" to being asked out.

 

I mean, as far as potential range of possible reactions you could have gotten goes, I feel like you got off pretty easy.

He was straight up asking for a relationship with me, not out on a date. Not at first anyway. I was trying to explain to him how a relationship with me and a sex drive like his wouldn't work, the entire night. At first he said he understood but then went on a rant about how I was wrong and it would work because he would make it. It's a bit confronting I guess.

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It's better to not even bother explaining Why It Couldn't Work Between Us.  Just say no.  Otherwise, as you experienced, people will try to offer their counter-explanations.

 

"Because I don't feel like it" is all the explanation anyone ever needs or deserves.  There isn't any counter for that, unless they are just a total creep.

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Chris Zulas
14 hours ago, Philip027 said:

It's better to not even bother explaining Why It Couldn't Work Between Us.  Just say no.  Otherwise, as you experienced, people will try to offer their counter-explanations.

 

"Because I don't feel like it" is all the explanation anyone ever needs or deserves.  There isn't any counter for that, unless they are just a total creep.

hit it right on the money. his later actions are stupid and bad.

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AspieAlly613
On 6/11/2019 at 10:01 AM, Chl0eisn0tmyrealname said:

Yesterday I came out publicly on Instagram. He messaged me saying he was proud and really liked me and wanted to be with me and that he thought it would be fine because sex wasn't everything in a relationship. He just didnt get it. He took it well when I explained it to him, thank goodness,

What didn't he get?  he understood that a romance with you meant no sex for him, and when you mentioned that you didn't want a romance, he understood that, too.

 

EDIT:  I just read the later post in the thread where you explained more and he still didn't get it.

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Chl0eisn0tmyrealname
On 6/13/2019 at 9:39 AM, AspieAlly613 said:

What didn't he get?

Yeah, initially he respected what I was saying but still didnt believe it was the case. Then he openly argued. He needed to take my word for it when I said a relationship where he didnt get his most basic needs was not one that would thrive or survive. I know he's a pretty sex driven guy. He was stuck in fantasy land...

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Chl0eisn0tmyrealname
On 6/12/2019 at 11:47 AM, Philip027 said:

It's better to not even bother explaining Why It Couldn't Work Between Us.  Just say no.  Otherwise, as you experienced, people will try to offer their counter-explanations.

 

"Because I don't feel like it" is all the explanation anyone ever needs or deserves.  There isn't any counter for that, unless they are just a total creep.

This is awesome, thanks. I've heard it before but not from another ace person so it never carried the same weight.

It's just so hard to let someone down who's desperate tbh, without an explanation. But you're right, I suppose, that's all the explanation that's necessary.

I was conflicted knowing he knew I was ace, thinking he understood. And also thinking he would just keep pressing but I guess in that case I would say something like 'no, means no, sorry'... 

Hmf. It's exhausting feeling all backed in a corner trying to validate your truth to people.

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On 6/11/2019 at 6:53 PM, Chl0eisn0tmyrealname said:

Why is it so hard for heterosexual people to understand this?

Because sometimes they take it as a challenge -- that they can make it different for you, whereas the other guy couldn't.  It becomes kind of an ego thing for them.  That doesn't make them bad people, but just very difficult to deal with.

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AspieAlly613
On 6/15/2019 at 10:16 PM, Chl0eisn0tmyrealname said:

It's just so hard to let someone down who's desperate tbh, without an explanation.

You don't owe him anything solely on account of his desperation.

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  • 2 weeks later...
aquariusabandoned

I’m ace (maybe grey-a), trauma makes it hard to tell. I was with an ex who didn’t care I was ace and only cared about themselves, leaving myself to have another traumatic experience. The person was a narcissist and tried to control me in all sorts of ways. Please make sure you don’t get into that type of situation.

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"No you're wrong, I'll always be considerate of your point of view" is an oxymoron.

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  • 2 months later...
Chl0eisn0tmyrealname

So much love for you guys xx 

 

On 6/29/2019 at 4:16 AM, aquariusabandoned said:

I’m ace (maybe grey-a), trauma makes it hard to tell. I was with an ex who didn’t care I was ace and only cared about themselves, leaving myself to have another traumatic experience. The person was a narcissist and tried to control me in all sorts of ways. Please make sure you don’t get into that type of situation.

Ive been here too. A long time ago. Its so hard to deal with. Xxx Follows me everywhere whenever i think about relationships.

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