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49, married for 25 years, just discovered asexuality


Jodyd

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Hi everyone!  My story is probably a bit unusual.  I’m 49 years old and had been married for 25 years before I separated from my husband.  I really loved him and he was an amazing husband but I was never able to be very interested in sex or even any kind of physical intimacy.  I always thought I was just not being a good wife and if I tried harder I could be more into it.  I got to the point where I just scheduled sex for Saturday so I wouldn’t have to worry about it the rest of the week.  We have three children and I never even wanted to consider the possibility of divorce.  I feel awful about the whole situation but just realized that there is even a thing as asexuality.  I felt so relieved to learn about it but tried to tell my ex-husband and he was not too happy.  I thought he would feel better about my lack of interest if he knew I was asexual but he didn’t want to talk about it.  I guess it is a hard thing to hear that your wife of 25 years was never sexually attracted to you.  Even though I feel relieved knowing about it I feel really sad about what i’ve done to my husband and kind of scared knowing I might be alone for the rest of my life.  I would welcome any advice or similar stories.  Thanks!  Also it’s kind of weird but I’m an identical twin and she is homosexual.

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boxed toast

It sounds like you are in a hard situation. I'm sorry your ex-husband didn't want to talk. You shouldn't feel bad for not being attracted to your husband. Being asexual isn't a choice you made. It's part of who you are.

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Thank you!  I guess I just feel like I should have told him sooner but I really loved him and didn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in sex or even kissing..

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I had the same story. Married without knowing and I also have children.  We have a sexless marriage at the moment because of health issues, so it's not a problem. I've decided not to tell my husband because I don't think he would understand.  It would just lead to more problems. 

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Yeah I agree especially if you don’t need to be having sex right now.  Do you feel like you have never been able to satisfy him sexually?  Sex and touching were important to my husband and I always felt guilty for not being able to be interested in either.  I just did the bare minimum - I was able to have orgasms but just not interested in initiating anything.  I always dreaded Saturdays.

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Dreamsexual

.

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Welcome Jodyd!

 

 I am just now "trying on" the term because I feel it fits me and makes so much sense for who I am and how I have felt for so long. When I started really diving into research and forums like this one about it I started to realize, "Wow, OK...this is resonating with me on so many levels. Everything that everyone is saying sounds just like me!" So now I am here. Trying to figure it out, asking questions, delving deeper. I am 30 this year, just got out of a 1 1/4 year relationship. It ended sadly because I explained to him the very thing you tried to explain to your ex-husband, "I'm not able to and have no interest in being physically intimate." I followed with explaining that I have always found him attractive, and that anything we did before was because I wanted to and even enjoyed. We had never gone beyond kissing. I just couldn't do it. And I was tempted to contact him to tell him what I have discovered but after we broke up we couldn't return to being friends and he stopped talking to me. And because this is all new I don't want to really shout it from the rooftops just yet. I'm not afraid of reactions, just need to sit with this and let it wash over me. It was nothing compared to your situation but the similarity is this, we knew what we didn't want, but not why, and they didn't and we truly cared for them and didn't want to hurt them. I'm sorry for both of you as it is sad for our relationships with our allosexual partners we chose to fall apart around sex. But it isn't your fault or theirs, it's OK if you discover something else rings true for you later and it's perfectly OK to just be and not apply any labels. 

Have some cake! 

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welcome jodyd, mixed asexual sexual marriages can be difficult. I'm sorry for your break up

 

While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here).

I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are :)

 

Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful:

Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here 

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Welcome! Well, how about planning something new for Saturdays and reclaiming that joy of the end of the week. Schedule “me time” there instead and treat yourself :) 

la-fo-proof-chocolate-cake-20160213&f=1&

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NickyTannock

@Jodyd Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry about your relationship. I wish I had some advice for you or a similar story to share. In my case, I'm 34, and I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake, 

ZWughhv.jpg

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JodyD, I was in the same situation, except that my husband and I had divorced and I was in a long-term partnership before I discovered asexuality.  I now know I'd been asexual all my life, and had been trying  very hard to do what I thought was "normal": to enjoy sex.  It didn't work.  Once I  learned about asexuality, I told my partner,  and luckily we were able to get through a difficult period and remained close partners, but without a sexual relationship.  He recently died.

 

As far as your former husband, it probably isn't necessary to have any more  discussions with him about it.  Your relationship is now not one of marriage, and you have no responsibility to attempt to get him to understand that this really had nothing to do with him.  He  may eventually do  so, but will have to come to that himself.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi @Jodyd! I'm in a similar situation to the one you described, though we still haven't sorted out what we'll do. He's currently in another intimate relationship but wants to stay married and considers me his primary. But sex is not an option and there is a lot of physical distance between us the past few years. I am afraid that we'll split too, though, and I dread it both because I'll miss him (as my closest and only real family) and because I'm pretty sure I'll be alone the rest of my life afterwards. I like alone time but don't want it to be my default state.... I'll follow this because I'm actually really glad to read about other people who've been through or are going through this. Thanks so much for posting!

 

And your post also makes me wonder how many asexuals have been going along with what society teaches us. How many women in particular have had sexual relationships with men because we are taught that we need to do that and make them happy, to do that emotional labor of pleasing everybody and putting their needs and desires above ours (no matter how feminist we are). It's pretty interesting when I look back at my youth and conversations with female friends strategizing about how to get boyfriends to think we were into sex when we really weren't. Lots of reflection on the past now that I realize what I am.

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Jodyd, welcome.

I am married 10 years and it was actually my husband who suggested I might be asexual. We are making it work at the moment as we have been for so long. I do worry that at some point he will decide this isn’t for him but for now it’s business as usual. I’m sorry your husband couldn’t try to understand but at least you can move forwards being true to yourself 

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Hello Jodyd,

you are not alone in your late discovery, a year and a half ago I posted here for the first time

  and my marriage has gone through a lot of adjustments since then. And I'm sure it won't stay like this forever.

When I first arrived here, I was pointed towards the forum "Older Asexuals" where I found many similar stories like ours.

Identical Twins with different sexual orientations is fascinating btw.

 

Welcome to the site 🍰

 

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