do you understand the concept of sex and sexual attraction?

[catra]

hello everyone.

 

so, do you understand the concepts of sex and sexual attraction? meaning, do you understand, objectively, how someone could be “hot” and that sex is generally seen as a necessary need in society? did you understand that people actually felt sexual attraction, before realizing you were ace?

 

when i first started researching asexuality, everyone talked about how they just never understand how someone could want sex and didn’t even think people really did that. a lot of aces seem to have thought it was just fake, a weird conversation topic. 

 

ive grown up being surrounded by the concept of sex and hearing about one night stands and how wonderful sex could with the right person, blah blah blah. i understand what sexual attraction is and that people really feel it. so, it confused me when every perspective i saw was, for lack of a better word, ignorant on this stuff. 

[Snao Cone]

Yes, I understand it, and that's why it took me so long to recognize my own asexuality. I've never been puzzled by other people's experiences and perspectives around this. 

[Bruce Wayne]

I never understood it. That's why my teenage years were so difficult. All boys around me would brag about how that and that girl was hot, then even girls started speaking about "hot guys"... I never understood sexual jokes, I always found them apalling (because I'm repulsed ace). I never even understood the concept of the sexual attraction - I certainly feel aesthetic attraction but what is sexual attraction? Is it that people feel something below? Then that's not my case and I don't know how to imagine it... Until I found out about asexuality, all those things were super confusing to me. 

[NickyTannock]

Realising that other people experience Sexual Attraction is what made me realise I'm Asexual as I'm bewildered by it.
I understand how sex works biologically, and the necessity of it, but not the desire for it.

[verymelancholic]

I understand it, and that's how I knew I was asexual (or at lease acespec).

[Alejandrogynous]

It was never confusing for me either, which was why it took me so long to realize I was experiencing something different. The concept of sex and sexual attraction always seemed relatively intuitive to me.

[Grimalkin]

I totally "got" it. I knew the concept. I was surrounded by people and society and a religion that warned you about it. I knew what it was, and always just... assumed that I felt it. That when I wanted to give my crush a chaste little kiss, that's what that was. Lust. 

 

It's kind of like how I didn't know I needed glasses until I was older. I just assumed everyone needed to move a little closer to the grocery aisle signs when they were looking for something, and had to really squint at the road signs before the letters became clear. When I finally put on my glasses for the first time, I was blown away. Everyone else was already seeing the world this clearly? 

 

I guess I always just thought people were exaggerating desire, and that the vague notion that you wanted to have skin contact with a handsome guy was the same thing. 

[wirewalker]

2 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

It's kind of like how I didn't know I needed glasses until I was older. I just assumed everyone needed to move a little closer to the grocery aisle signs when they were looking for something, and had to really squint at the road signs before the letters became clear. When I finally put on my glasses for the first time, I was blown away. Everyone else was already seeing the world this clearly? 

Yes. As an ace with glasses, this is exactly what it's like.

 

I've always been interested in sex and sexuality on a theoretical scale. When I first found out about asexuality, I thought I couldn’t be asexual because of that interest. It took a while for me to realize that my interest in sex as a general thing was completely unrelated to my interest (or rather lack thereof) in me having sex with other people.

[uhtred]

23 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

Realising that other people experience Sexual Attraction is what made me realise I'm Asexual as I'm bewildered by it.
I understand how sex works biologically, and the necessity of it, but not the desire for it.

Do you feel desire for anything else? Maybe that would be a sort of model, even if you don't happen to desire sex. 

[NoraGrace]

Yes, I understand what it is.  I am asexual and I still notice other people's supposedly "hot" bodies and think that they are pretty or handsome but I do not want sex with them.

Something kind of odd to me is that if I see someone with, say, a six pack, I congratulate them in my head for being committed enough to work out enough in order to be that muscular. 

So yeah, I understand what people mean when they say someone is "hot", but I don't have the desire to have sex with that person like they do, I just find them appealing. 

It's not really something that ace people don't really understand because it's just society's perception of beauty. You don't have to experience the feelings to now what it is. 

 

 

[firewallflower]

Theoretically, I understand it. I know that it exists, and the basics of how it works. Heck, I can explain it to others if need be. It's just that, for me, it's all a purely intellectual understanding, essentially gained through taking the word of other people that they feel what they feel - not through coming naturally to me. When I was younger, it wasn't really something I thought about at all, but I don't think I had much of a comprehension of reasons for sex outside of reproduction.

 

Perhaps ironically, I think exploring asexuality has actually helped me come to more of an understanding of sexuality - if it's something I can grasp conceptually but not personally (as seems to be the case), then recognizing that maybe I just don't experience this feeling that most others experience makes it easier to wrap my head around the idea that others experience this feeling, foreign as it may feel to me.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

10 minutes ago, firewallflower said:

Theoretically, I understand it. I know that it exists, and the basics of how it works. Heck, I can explain it to others if need be. It's just that, for me, it's all a purely intellectual understanding, essentially gained through taking the word of other people that they feel what they feel - not through coming naturally to me. When I was younger, it wasn't really something I thought about at all, but I don't think I had much of a comprehension of reasons for sex outside of reproduction.

 

Perhaps ironically, I think exploring asexuality has actually helped me come to more of an understanding of sexuality - if it's something I can grasp conceptually but not personally (as seems to be the case), then recognizing that maybe I just don't experience this feeling that most others experience makes it easier to wrap my head around the idea that others experience this feeling, foreign as it may feel to me.

All of this, said better than I would have done.

[SorryNotSorry]

Oh, I understand it all right.

 

In my case, having a vivid imagination has turned out to be a real thrill-killer. I seriously doubt having sex would live up to my expectations, so it's easy for me to go without.

[Sally]

I've always understood that people wanted to have sex.  I just thought most of  my life that I'd eventually want to also.  Finally I heard about asexuality and realized that's what I am, and what I was feeling for my husband and then my partner was aesthetic attraction and romance, not sexual feelings.  

[Soul Searcher]

Nah. Never did. Still don't. I don't have an intrinsic need for it so I don't have any desire to understand it either.

 

Yeah, I can see and notice is somebody is beautiful or not but that's it. Period. I don't feel anything more. If I do, it's in relation to other things like I want them to be my friend or them to notice me and have some interesting conversation with me. I don't understand the concept of somebody being hot or sexually attractive. However, I grew up in a society that does not talk about sex so for a very long time I had no idea what these things actually were. ( Would anyone believe that even in my early teenage years I used to believe that in order to have children, all you had to do was to get married?)

 

Now that I am more open to these things, it baffles me. I try but fail to imagine how could somebody want that. Even hand-holding, cuddling or affectionate gestures confuse me, but that's more me than anything else.

 

It's just like asking how can my sister eat green vegetables with a gusto and I feel nothing but disgust. There are questions I have stopped looking answers for.

[Guest]

15 hours ago, catra said:

hello everyone.

 

so, do you understand the concepts of sex and sexual attraction? meaning, do you understand, objectively, how someone could be “hot” and that sex is generally seen as a necessary need in society? did you understand that people actually felt sexual attraction, before realizing you were ace?

 

when i first started researching asexuality, everyone talked about how they just never understand how someone could want sex and didn’t even think people really did that. a lot of aces seem to have thought it was just fake, a weird conversation topic. 

 

ive grown up being surrounded by the concept of sex and hearing about one night stands and how wonderful sex could with the right person, blah blah blah. i understand what sexual attraction is and that people really feel it. so, it confused me when every perspective i saw was, for lack of a better word, ignorant on this stuff. 

I understand sex, the desire for sex, and the concept of attractivity.

 

I don't understand "sexual attraction", and still doubt it's anything more than a bullshit term invented by behaviorists, and worshipped by LGBT+ as a golden calf.

[Member131995]

 

21 hours ago, catra said:

so, do you understand the concepts of sex and sexual attraction? meaning, do you understand, objectively, how someone could be “hot” and that sex is generally seen as a necessary need in society? did you understand that people actually felt sexual attraction, before realizing you were ace?

I understand sex, the physical aspects, as in, how to do it and how it could result in a baby. I do not understand how a person could be "hot" though. I've never used that word to explain anyone and was positively baffled when I first heard it used. And I find it annoying when people don't understand how I couldn't find a person hot. It's hard to explain I don't find them hot because I don't want to have sex with them. 

 

I did understand that people felt sexual attraction but I didn't understand why I couldn't relate. I was given "the talk" around ten when things started changing and I was prepared to start feeling sexual attraction for people. I was baffled when it didn't happen. 15 years later, it still hasn't. 

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

As a sexual, I have no real idea what people on AVEN think they mean when they use the term, and if I have no idea, how can people who don't want to have sex with anyone understand it? It's kind of a blackbox term: asexuals know the input and output, and keep trying to reverse engineer what's going on between the two, while frequently determinedly ignoring the people who do know exactly how it works and try to explain that it's a huge over simplification.

I was writing up a long and thoughtful response, but that would just get brushed to the side, so I'll keep it short: you seem dead set on defending your notion that asexuals are neurologically incapable of grasping that sexuality is an intricate and complex set of experiences, both emotional and physical. That's not true. There is a diverse range of thinking and skills and perspectives among asexual people. Some of them may be oversimplified or incorrect, but that's definitely not universal among asexuals. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I have no idea how you got to that from my post.

I read it in the larger context of other points you've made elsewhere. 

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

... and made 5, clearly.

 

If you consider what I actually said, rather than your assumptions based on cherry picking other posts I've made, what's actually incorrect?

That asexuals don't listen to what sexual people say about their experiences ("frequently and determinedly ignoring..."), trying to "reverse engineer" (by which I gather you mean they analyze and interpret it, which I guess could rub you the wrong way if you feel it on some spiritual level, as I know many sexual people do), and just the whole statement that since you can't read asexual people's minds to confirm their thoughts match yours, they must be wrong about it. That statement doesn't even make sense, to be honest.

 

Just to be clear, I do agree that there are some misconceptions among some asexual people, if they're inexperienced, have different thought processes than most, or haven't talked a lot to sexual people. I think it's wonderfully beneficial for asexual people (or just people in general, given how diverse we all are) to talk to sexual people about actual experiences and use that to inform their understanding. But I don't think that all asexual people are incapable of grasping it, and that anything sexual people tell them goes right through their head.

[Homer]

I have got more problems to understand where "society" plays a part in this rather than understanding the desire to bang someone.

[Alejandrogynous]

The only time sexual attraction becomes confusing is on AVEN when debates try to pick it to pieces until words become meaningless, but I don't think the OP was asking about how the term gets defined on AVEN specifically. Outside in the real world, how real people use the term in real life, it's not that confusing.

[Snao Cone]

18 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Some asexuals don't - for instance when I, and others, have repeatedly said it's far more complicated than a physical act, or achieving orgasm, or wanting to bang someone on sight because they're hot, or (my favourite) when sexuals say the 'split attraction' thing really doesn't represent their experience, and asexuals kindly explain why we're wrong.

Yes, this does happen, usually from people with less life experience and/or a way of thinking that doesn't . Both asexuals and sexuals work to dispel this, including myself. 

 

22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I just mean that asexuals see sexual people saying they want sex with some other people, and they realise they've had sex, and they try to work out what's  happened in between those two things. It's the subject of many, many threads.

I can't say I've read a lot of those threads. Is this just asexual people wanting to understand regular life for sexual people, or is it all ivory tower stuff that seeks to dictate overarching rules and theories? I think the intentions matter more than the cynicism of people who have seen the same questions asked many times. (but of course I'm not immune to such cynicism, as we all have moods) 

 

26 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You seem to be projecting on to my words  that I have a whole bunch of generalised contempt for asexuals, which I honestly don't have. I resent being characterised that way.

Well, that's the picture I get from piecing together posts from different threads. It's probably not a complete picture and there's always something underneath that is left out, so your overall thoughts and indenting may be left out of this picture. I acknowledge that. And perhaps it's hypocritical for me to be so cynical about the cynicism I often see. But again. We all have moods. 

[Snao Cone]

14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Right, so one thing you said I got wrong you concede I was actually right about. Absolutely it's younger people, but since AVEN skews pretty young (like, late teens/early twenties), that's quite a proportion of posters who are apt to take that kind of approach. 

Let's meet halfway and say that I disagree on the magnitude you are implying. That was my point to begin with, after all.

 

 

16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's rarely explicit questions, but it's implicit in any thread where asexuals are not understanding something about sexual activity between people. Others step in with theories, which are more or less based on their own actual experience. 

So you're taking liberties of reading into things based on your interpretation and past experience, just as I am here. That is a valid perspective, though it is falliable to misinterpretation. Would you say that this reflects a systemic problem in how a/sexuality is understood in this community, or do you think it is at least in part due to your patience for this being worn down from the discussion happening N times? The people who ask the questions haven't lived through it as many times as us regulars. I am clearly susceptible to aiding and abetting this (as much as I try to bring things back to on-topic discussion at certain points) so I'm not wagging my finger at you here or anything, just pointing out something that may influence our biases the more time we spend here.

 

 

19 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So you do actually think I hold asexuals in contempt and all that's missing is some context? 

No, I acknowledge it's very well possible you have a more or less neutral position, but mostly the negative things make it through on the forum for whatever reason (like you feel a stronger imperative to correct people than agree with them - which is pretty common, especially online where nonverbal communication that may indicate some level of agreement that isn't converted into words is never seen, like a lack of a response with a slight nod). The impression I get is also very likely shaped by personality, à la snark, which you may or may not intend to set how your points come across. You seem to be interpreting what I say as more accusatory than I intend, and maybe that's based on perceived righteousness based on what I've said and done in this community. Or maybe you aren't interpreting it that way, as nobody can get in anyone else's head, right? (In my signature fashion I'm trying to divert this detour back to the original point in some sloppy way.)

[catra]

3 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

The only time sexual attraction becomes confusing is on AVEN when debates try to pick it to pieces until words become meaningless, but I don't think the OP was asking about how the term gets defined on AVEN specifically. Outside in the real world, how real people use the term in real life, it's not that confusing.

yeah, i wasn’t trying to start an argument or anything. i’m sorry @Snao Cone and @Telecaster68

[Snao Cone]

10 minutes ago, catra said:

yeah, i wasn’t trying to start an argument or anything. i’m sorry @Snao Cone and @Telecaster68

You didn't do anything to start the argument, don't worry.

[LeChat]

5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Some asexuals don't - for instance when I, and others, have repeatedly said it's far more complicated than a physical act, or achieving orgasm, or wanting to bang someone on sight because they're hot, or (my favourite) when sexuals say the 'split attraction' thing really doesn't represent their experience, and asexuals kindly explain why we're wrong...

I'm confused. Are you saying that asexuals who get their information from reading sex psychologists' (who are sexual) research, who study volunteers' sexual arousal by showing them graphic pics and who talk about the split attraction model existing for some sexual people (however rare, among sexuals) aren't supposed to listen to them and repeat that information to others? Sure, the split-attraction doesn't apply to all sexuals.

 

I thought attempting to educate oneself about sexual attraction by reading sex psychologists' research about sexuality--especially the ones who've admitted they're sexual--would be considered a good thing that some asexuals do. Some young asexuals are learning about all of this stuff in university psychology classes, where there are lessons about sex and gender.

 

(an example link to a sex psychologist's article about the feelings and personal experience of a sexual person, mentioning how they experience a split-attraction between having sexual fantasies for males and romantic feelings for women.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201607/juan-bisexual-young-man

[Liana]

I understand the basics involving the biological stuff involved with sex and that’s about it. The few times that I’ve heard people talk about stuff that people do involving it makes me feel sick and makes no sense to me. 

 

I understand that there is a reason for sexual attraction to exist, as none of us would be here if our ancestors didn’t feel some sort of drive for the process that creates people. How it works and why it seems to have no effect on me I have zero clue. I’m pretty sure that I’d have an easier time building a universe from scratch, curing cancer, designing FTL spaceships, and writing my own series of novels within the span of an hour than I would trying to make sense of how sexual attraction works or why stuff doesn’t seem nasty to other people.

 

No offense to anyone that is a sexual person and doesn’t see anything weird with sexual acts.

[Dreamfield]

Since I was a kid I had an "operative" understanding of sexuality, but I never understood it intuitively.

 

So I was able to act like I'm "normal", e.g. laugh to sex-related jokes when a social situation demanded it. It was quite easy for me to realize that I am asexual. Being a logical non-conformist, my thinking was that possible sexual orientations can be shown in 2x2 table (I still wasn't aware of non-binary gender identities back then) and there is no logical reason for any cell in the table to remain empty, regardless of what others would say. I guessed that my lack of sexual attraction towards either gender would probably be called "asexuality" and I was pleasantly amused to learn that I guessed correctly.

 

Similarly, I never intuitively understood what it means to "feel like a man" or "feel like a woman" and I later learned that it means a lot to many people, while I simply don't have this, just like I don't have sexuality, so I figured out that my sense of identity (or lack thereof) could be best described as agender.

 

Having these "lacks" (of sexuality and gender identity) makes me feel like I have somehow "skipped the adolescence". I have never experienced any psychological changes that are usually associated with it.