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What am I?


Confusionincarnate

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Confusionincarnate

Hello.  I've been in an odd position for some time that I'm guessing some can identify with. I feel not really normal (whatever that really is) but not asexual either (I have a wife a daughter so ace purity is out the window).

 

I've been searching for the definition of my feeling surrounding sexuality and it just doesn't seem to exist.  Demisexual seems closest, but I do experience sexual desire without deep connection. However, this desire is nearly always accompanied by a unpleasant/disgusted/repugnant feeling of wrongness.

 

I used to wonder how hookup culture seemed to be working for so many people. I've come to realize that it doesn't and most people really do want deeper human connections despite media portrayals. That has gotten me closer to feeling "normal" but something is not the same in my head and I still laid hands on a good descriptor.

 

I hazard to guess I fall under the gray ace umbrella, but it's so large that its really unsatisfying when you're looking for answers.

 

Anyway, it was suggested I ask here, so I thought I may as well try.  Thanks.

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i know this answer is pretty unsatisfying, but i’ve been looking up definitions and it seems like gray-ace is the one that covers you. none of them specify the feeling of wrongness, really, so gray-ace makes the most sense. 

 

is the feeling of wrongness there because sex seems like some dirty thing? or is deeper? do you only feel this wrongness after sexual feelings are reciprocated, or is it always there? answering questions like these and figuring out where this feeling originates will help you with your identity. if it’s because sex is just a dirty, unpure thing, it’s possible that you are sexual, but you have also been convinced that sex is a horrible thing and therefore feel guilty about it. if the feeling comes at a specific time, such as after feelings are reciprocated, you could be lithromantic. lithromantic people feel attraction until feelings are reciprocated. after that, the attraction disappears, and the person may feel bad for losing their feelings. 

 

remember, though, that only you can really know your identity. as much as we can try to help, we can’t decide for you. so, take your time, and whatever you decide, aven will be here, ready to support you.

 

hope this helped a little. cheers.

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Confusionincarnate

Thanks for the reply. As with most things it helps to talk about it. Gray-A is super unsatisfying, but it seems like it may be the best I get for now.

 

As an attempt to clarify, if there are romantic feelings associated then the disgust is not present. My wife and I have sex, and it's nice. I've had sexual contact with others in the past that I felt romantically inclined toward and it was good.  I don't think there is anything dirty or unpure about sex from a logical standpoint, to a certain extent I wish (all things being equal) that I could divorce sex from intimacy, lots of folks seem to have a grand time that way.

 

This is also coupled with my having what I have generally considered to be an abnormally low sex drive. I like sex, but I don't need/want it very often. My wife has jokingly referred to me as a sex camel, and has spoken to me about some level of disappointment that I only very rarely initiate sex.

 

Its an odd position, to have sexual attraction, but no desire to act on it. I find women I don't know attractive, but sex not so much. The feeling is there even without reciprocation. 

 

Gods, I wish I could be more clear about how this works for me. I feel like I'm saying one thing then immediately taking it back or contradicting it.

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Even though you have identified uncomfortably as grey-asexual, I can sense that asexual aspect is strong. Remember that all identities are ultimately approximations; your individuality cuts the suit and determines the tint. 

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On 6/4/2019 at 12:56 PM, Confusionincarnate said:

This is also coupled with my having what I have generally considered to be an abnormally low sex drive. I like sex, but I don't need/want it very often. My wife has jokingly referred to me as a sex camel, and has spoken to me about some level of disappointment that I only very rarely initiate sex.

Hi there, I relate to this so much. The boyfriend I was with before/during my realisation I was ace could never understand why I didn't initiate sex and it clearly hurt his feelings, disappointment being predominant. I loved him and when we did have sex I enjoyed it but even things we had done in the past never seemed to entice me when suggested. The idea of sex as an activity was always met with apathy from me which must have been very frustrating. 

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