Why do asexuals wish to "come out" ?

[MaraKarina]

From a couple of posts I understand that at least some asexuals feel the need to come out and tell friends and/or family that they are asexual.

I fully understand that this is information to be shared with a spouse/partner as this person is very much affected by the situation and must make many adjustments to his/her life because of the asexuality.

But why do some asexuals wish to come out with that information to family and friends? I mean, if sex is something you don't like and which is not important to you, why hold up a big sign "I don't like sex"? There are many things I don't like and usually I don't even think of these things. Thinking about something or considering it important enough information to share with family and friends, for me, it's either something I like or value, or it is a problem, or a string which leads to a problem hidden somewhere deep down within me.

My asexual husband doesn't enjoy the topic, he thinks everything related to sex is just "boring", he's not interested.

[Squid]

I think a lot of people "come out" for acceptance from their loved ones. Asexuals are different from the vast majority, and at least in my own case, I've always felt out of place and not accepted by the culture as a whole because I did not embrace the "sex is awesome" mentality. I've been rejected by boyfriends for the same reason.

But it's like anything that sets us apart, and we* want to be reassured that the people that really matter to us will accept us no matter what our preference for sex is. It's part of who we are and no one likes to be rejected, especially for something we can't change, and especially by those that are closest to us.

*I obviously cannot speak for everyone and I know many people on this board have not and have no desire to "come out" to their friends or family. I was using rhw plural mostly because the question was posed in the plural, but all the above is my personal feelings (and I imagine some others share these feelings too).

[Dargon]

As Squid said, sometimes it is for reassurance and validation. Other times it is to get sexuals to stop bugging them with their sex stories and such. Still other times it is for the good of the community, to raise visibility. For me it is mostly the last one.

[ghosts]

Well, coming out is not really about holding up a big sign that tells everyone we don't want to have sex. ;) But anyway, I agree with much of what Squid & Dargon wrote. One of the reasons that some of the people in my life know about me being asexual is because of my involement on AVEN, which I like talking to some of my friends about. Also, the subject of sex generally comes up eventually when talking to someone you know. If they ask me about my sex life, I have no wish to lie to them, so I tell them that I am asexual. When it comes to parents/family, I'd imagine that many people want to come out to them because family members often ask about these kinds of things as well... Coming out is also a good way to spread visibility, as Dargon wrote.

[Parth]

Well it is either that or your family and friends think you are a total loser for not having (m)any relationships.

[deladangerous]

Why come out to friends and family and say that you're asexual? Well.. why come out as being gay? Or bisexual? Or ..*throws dart* Wiccan?

My guess is, because you feel it appropriate to share yourself with them. For some people, that's just their thing.

I for one don't at all feel the need to come out to everybody. To me, it's not anybody's business, and it doesn't inconvenience anybody to not know. However, for the sake of revealing oneself to others (and several other good points already mentioned), I can see why some people would want to.

[Brodertun]

why? because if you don't then you have to put up with them making all those comments about you and yours in bed, and other things like that that are jsut downright creepy if said often enough

[Octarine]

Why come out to friends and family and say that you're asexual? Well.. why come out as being gay? Or bisexual? Or ..*throws dart* Wiccan?

Pretty much what I was going to say. Here's something I found that was a good explanation, except they don't mention asexuality. But most of the reasons still apply. (Asexual hate crimes aren't that common, but ostracization is)

Originally Posted by APA

Why Do Some Gay Men, Lesbians and Bisexuals Tell People About Their Sexual Orientation?

Because sharing that aspect of themselves with others is important to their mental health. In fact, the process of identity development for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals called "coming out", has been found to be strongly related to psychological adjustment—the more positive the gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, the better one's mental health and the higher one's self-esteem.

Why Is the "Coming Out" Process Difficult for Some Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People?

For some gay and bisexual people the coming out process is difficult, for others it is not. Often lesbian, gay and bisexual people feel afraid, different, and alone when they first realize that their sexual orientation is different from the community norm. This is particularly true for people becoming aware of their gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation as a child or adolescent, which is not uncommon. And, depending on their families and where they live, they may have to struggle against prejudice and misinformation about homosexuality. Children and adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to the deleterious effects of bias and stereotypes. They may also fear being rejected by family, friends,co-workers, and religious institutions. Some gay people have to worry about losing their jobs or being harassed at school if their sexual orientation became well known. Unfortunately, gay, lesbian and bisexual people are at a higher risk for physical assault and violence than are heterosexuals. Studies done in California in the mid 1990s showed that nearly one-fifth of all lesbians who took part in the study and more than one-fourth of all gay men who participated had been the victim of a hate crime based on their sexual orientation. In another California study of approximately 500 young adults, half of all the young men participating in the study admitted to some form of anti-gay aggression from name-calling to physical violence.

[Shockwave]

I did it so they would stop trying to set me up with every girl in the neighborhood.

[Cerhiunnhn]

I came out... to my school, to my community, and then to my parents (more than a year after I had found AVEN, which was several years after I knew I was a-).

Why come out? I promote visibility and understanding and hope to save someone the agony of thinking that s/he's deficient, broken, not-good-enough, crazy, an outcast, etc....

Also, while I don't think that being asexual is absolutely KEY to who I am, it's still a very relevant part of me. My friends know I don't like and avoid pineapple. They know that I love Batman. They know that I'd like to visit France. Why would I tell them things like that? Because it's part of me, and so is being asexual.

There's more I'd like to write, but I've gotta keep my posts short or I get incredibly sidetracked.

[Brodertun]

I did it so they would stop trying to set me up with every girl in the neighborhood.

In my case i told my sister so she stopped asking questions like "do you sleep in the same bed as your roommate?"

Really since when does sharing a house with a member of the opposite sex mean you are sexually involved.

[spinneret]

That's an excellent quote, lsb. Yeah, what her'n'Squid'n'dela said, and the added matter of asexual visibility as Dargon and ghosts and Cerhi mentioned. Or as the rest have said, to get matchmakers off our backs. Everybody's made great points so far.

I think coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual (and to some extent intersex and transgender) is slowly turning into less and less of an "event" given increasing awareness and acceptance of nonheterosexual/cisgender identities. With growing visibility, telling people you're queer is becoming less like telling people you're a lizard and more like telling them you've got brown hair. Making a point of coming out may be especially important for asexuals right now, because it's still like telling people you're a lizard. Increasing visibility increases awareness and acceptance of asexuality, and should someday make coming out as asexual little different from coming out as brown-haired.

[kbrd143]

Not long ago -- a couple of days after the 20/20 rerun -- a new member joined and wrote that he began to cry while the story played on the television. He couldn't tell his father why -- he wasn't ready, yet. But, he finally knew that he was not alone in the world, that we was not broken, that he was not abnormal. He was touched, and lifted up.

That's why I did it. And how important it is, too: I could have personally avoinded a great deal of pain and danger had I come across something like AVEN in my younger years.* So, I am somewhat passionate about shouting from the rooftops, these days. Yes, it is a bit ... embarrassing to talk about something so personal so openly. It gets me very strange looks from the sexuals who don't understand why I bother. But it means so much to the people to whom I am actually speaking, the people who have felt isolated and desolate. How can I not?

*And for the record, given where I am, and how my life is going these days, I wouldn't honestly change a single thing. But my life would have played out a lot differently. That's my point. . . .

[Wario]

Well, seeing how it's such a big part of society and the social norm for people to get involved, people, like your parents, get curious if you're not being like everyone else. But to be honest, I don't really come out to people; I guess I'm introverted enough not to feel the need. But on the other hand, I don't have anything to hide either, so I can say that I'm asexual if someone asks.

[ChildOfTheLight]

Telling people who are close to me helped me to acknowledge it myself. As I said in my welcome post, I probably knew deep down since the day I discovered this site, one day in July 2005, that I was asexual. But I didn't quite admit it to myself until August 15 of this year, when I told my best friend. Last night, I told someone I had only just met, but I could tell that she would understand. She simply replied that that made three or four people she knew who were asexual. As it happens, I also knew one of them, so for the first time I know that someone I personally know, other than myself, is asexual.

Is asexuality an essential part of me? I don't know how to answer that. I have the sense that, by being who I am, though I can't really quantify that, I had to be asexual. But it's an implication, not an axiom.

Does it define me? Not really; how can something I don't do and am not interested in, even something as essential to most people as sex, define me? Things I do define me -- I am a distance runner. I am a poet. I am a computer science student. And so forth.

Then why do I tell people? I only tell people who I connect with, and do that to help them understand me a little better. And to help me understand me a little better.

[thylacine]

Maybe sometimes people come out so friends & family will quit trying to fix you up so you will hurry up & "get married before it's too late" and make lots of grandchildren and blah-blah-blah and etc.

[Declaro]

Well, you know, expecially if you have friends/family members who try and set you up with someone, then telling them is a good way of cutting that off, because if you're A, it's really embarassing to hear all those 'when you get married' or 'when you have kids' talks.

[thylacine]

After 40, they stop saying "when you get married," then they say, "poor thing, she never got married!"

Personally, I'm like, thank God -- I never married!!!

[starrysky]

Well, you know, expecially if you have friends/family members who try and set you up with someone, then telling them is a good way of cutting that off, because if you're A, it's really embarassing to hear all those 'when you get married' or 'when you have kids' talks.

Unfortunately just because you tell them doesn't mean they will stop with those talks, if they are the really persistant type. They just say, oh you'll change your mind and keep right on going. You learn to tune them out eventually.

[fern]

I told a co-worker today...just to hear myself saying it. To flex these new 'I'm-okay-with-who-I-am' muscles that finding AVEN has helped me develop. I know for a fact she'll tell everyone else at work so I guess it was like coming out. I did it because it felt so great to finally speak the words that have caused me to feel so lonely for so long, and to speak them with pride and confidence in my voice. :D

[Kallan]

In the US and in Western culture in general. Sexual orientation has become a HUGE part of conventional identity. Having your friends and family not know your orientation represents them not really knowing who you are. Everyone wants to feel like someone understands them, and for many people the best way to achieve that is to 'come out'.

[thylacine]

I learned the hard way never to tell anyone at work my personal stuff. Very bad nuclear fallout can happen in the office jungle if you do. I have to remain mysterious to my oversexed bragging co-workers -- the office is a kill or be killed zone, and that's the way it is.

[Arukei]

I don't know I don't see any reason. I have not told my parents that I'm a furry. (and I don't plan to tell them unless they ask me directly) Before I got married I never told anyone that I'm bicurious. I don't think it's anyone's business. But of course, I'm a reclusive creature. As far as I'm concerned the rest of the world (besides my wife) is on a need to know basis, and if you don't need to know I'm not going to tell you. When I see someone in the street I don't care what their preferences are, it doesn't matter. Even if one of my long term friends or younger by two years brother decieded they were gay ( or A ) It's still not my business and it's not going to change my relationship for good or bad with that person. I don't even understand why gay's feel the need to "come out" unless it's their parents confronting them; and even then if you're over 18 it's really none of their business!

You've got to be very carefull in who understands you. Why would you want someone outside of your personal life to know such an intimate detail?

[fern]

I guess I have a different work environment than most. It's not an office, and there are only six of us. We've all worked together and been friends for years. So I don't feel nervous or like telling them was a dangerous thing. But like I said, I have kind of an unusual work situation, so that's just me.

[jaybird721]

Makes you feel more... open. It's, like, wouldn't you feel weird if your best friend didn't know your favorite color or food or what you majored in or whatever? Although, really, it goes beyond that, because people are bound to wonder, eventually, what's up with you, especially if you're aromantic.

Plus, it's an easy way to say "hey, guys, I'm not interested in this."

[MaraKarina]

I learned the hard way never to tell anyone at work my personal stuff. Very bad nuclear fallout can happen in the office jungle if you do. I have to remain mysterious to my oversexed bragging co-workers -- the office is a kill or be killed zone, and that's the way it is.

Agree, I certainly wouldn't want to discuss their sexual preferences with any of my collegues, no matter what orientation or likes!

[Crystal1]

People guess, assume, theorize and wonder.

I've told a few people - sort of. I didn't 'come out of the closet', didn't use the phrase "asexual" though I more or less got to the point of the matter.

I did so because I guess I want those few peple I have talked to to know me a bit better - fewer assumptions or theories.

I am generally a rather private person, so the world doesn't need to know at this point. But it's a bit of a relief not to have people close to me think, "I wonder why she doesn't.." Or "I wonder if she's.." Or trying to hook me up with someone.

Now if only I have the guts to bring it up to a few other friends who are determined to hook me up with people.. or the guy I tried to date who probably still doesn't know why it didn't work out. Not sure if it would be a peace of mine for him or not.

[Seventh Son]

Well, I don't neccesarily think it a matter of "coming out" as it is a way of describing yourself when certain questions come up. People just need a label to put on it. I think that being around "sexuals" (that seems to be the way to refer to them here) most of your life, there gets to be a point in your life where some questions start to be asked from friends and family, and at least a little explaination needs to be given. I remember the first time one such question was asked by a female friend of mine, who happened to have a boyfriend, "How do you go through life without a significant other (girlfriend I guess)? Don't you feel deprived?" I replied with a simple answer (before I had even heard of asexuality), "Sometimes, some people just don't need someone like that in their lives. I have two great-uncles and an aunt on both sides of my family who never married, and supposedly never had sex with anyone, and they were great people. I have my friends and that makes me happy. I'm one of THOSE people." She gave me a, "Well alright.", and that was the end of it and we went on about our fun day. A few of my guy friends have asked, "Don't you ever have the urge to just f***?"

"No. Not really." That's usually the end of it. And the clencher was when my mom started to ask questions. "Are you gay?"

"No."

"So, you're asexual." Not a question.

I said, Yeah. I didn't know you were so cool to things like that."

She said, "Ofcourse. Two of my uncles were asexual (pre-1950s-60s) and they were two of the kindest people I had ever met...and you're just like them."

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're comfortable with YOUR sexuality (or asexuality), its never a big deal to discuss it with the people closest to you, because thats the way you've always been. "Coming out" just seems to be a way of decribing that you've told the people closest to you that your an asexual. Its usually not a big deal if thats the way you've always been. "Coming out" is really just too harsh of a term for what we're all going through. It should be more like "Yeah, what about it?"

[thylacine]

So, there are other people in your family who are asexual? See... I really believe it's a genetic thing, and I believe their are asexual people in my family too... but most people in my family, ironically, are very promiscuous and always getting themselves into big trouble because of it... !!! I sit back & watch the soap opera spin around me... Watching my family is like watching one of those Spanish speaking soap operas (Telenovella, I think) with all the women crying and the men fighting, only it's in English and I'm watching it live and I'm usually the only calm person in the room... Sad, huh?

[Orbit]

I used to want to 'come out' and tell my close friends... and even to talk to my friends from my past.

I think I wanted to do it as sort of an explanation for why I'm so weird about certain things. (like flirting and not getting the 'he's so hot' deal) I wanted people to sort of forgive my excentricities.

What I found was that people didn't care as much as I thought they did... and several were asexual themselves. Finding that out really helped me be at ease with my situation as well. I suddenly realized I'm not alone or broken and I wanted to tell other people about it because it was new and somewhat exciting.

Now I think of it as more private and I don't really want to 'come out' to any more people. It's just not that big of a deal to me any more... and not really something I even want to discuss.