Would you change your asexuality if possible?

[thylacine]

Moonsparrow, a lot of people end up alone anyway. They get married, then divorced or widowed. Then the kids grow up and move out to California & maybe if lucky see them once a year.

My Dad was very promiscuous, married & divorced twice, got an underage minor pregnant, talked about visiting with hookers... yeah, he had a busy life -- all the sex never made him any happier, he suffered mental depression all his life -- and ended up alone.

So you see everyone, being sexual, even extremely sexual, is no guarantee of happiness. I don't know any asexuals outside of the internet, and all the people I know in person are sexual, most somewhat promiscuous... very few of them are happy. I am the most well adjusted of the people I know... most couples I know are miserable & don't really like each other & fight a lot. The happiest couples I know are old married couples who married in the 1940's & have been together like forever, they have decent values, go to church, raised their kids & now raise their grandchildren... They are happy because they really love each other and take care of each other and respect each other. People had different values then. These people seem genuinely happy. Our culture has unfortunately changed into an instant gratification culture and a lot of people just use each other -- and all the sex they are getting isn't making them any happier. It really doesn't.

I'm actually comfortable with being asexual, especially in this predatory culture we live in now. It's sad that the world has become this way. All around I see people use each other and then throw whoever they used away like an empty beer can. I can really see that having a lot of sex does not necessarily make someone happy or a better person, any more than using dope makes a person happier. It makes the people happier temporarily, but when the drugs wears off, it's back to being miserable again. Then you need to get high again, shoot up, or find a hooker. It becomes an endless cycle for some people.

So you could be sexual, be lucky enough to find someone who really loves you and that's great. Sometimes it works out.

Or you could be asexual and accept that and just live a decent life with a cat. Or you could be asexual and meet another asexual and you could be great friends forever, and still keep the cat.

Or you could be like most people and be sexual and follow the culture and be promiscous and find that using and being used doesn't make you happy like it's supposed to.

People just need to be themselves, live a decent life, and avoid hurting other people. That's what's really important.

[KAGU143]

I'd like to experience that but not have to have urges that sometimes, if not requited cause frustration! That seems tortuous to me and I'm glad to be spared.

Believe it or not, it's usually not unpleasant. Sometimes inconvenient, or a little uncomfortable, but more often it's exciting and fun. To quote a Disney movie: "If this is torture, chain me to the wall!"

Spoken like a true sexual ... :roll: (I say this because ALL of us have heard the same message from the sexual world for our entire lives.)

Being pressured into doing something that you are personally opposed to doing IS unpleasant. Being pressured into doing it over and over does NOT make it any better.

"Exciting and fun" are WHOLELY subjective descriptions.

'Been there, 'done that, ... and "exciting and fun" are NOT words I would use to describe the experience.

I don't care to eat worms, either, but there are people who insist that they are wonderful. *shudder*

-Greybird

[SummerSeeker]

I completely agree with greybird. It's NOT enjoyable and NOT fun no matter what the sexuals tell me it's like for them.

[BunnyK.]

Being pressured into doing something that you are personally opposed to doing IS unpleasant. Being pressured into doing it over and over does NOT make it any better.

"Exciting and fun" are WHOLELY subjective descriptions.

'Been there, 'done that, ... and "exciting and fun" are NOT words I would use to describe the experience.

I don't care to eat worms, either, but there are people who insist that they are wonderful. *shudder*

I wasn't implying that asexuals should or shouldn't find it fun. I was pointing out that it's not torment for a sexual....therefore if an asexual could magically decide to become sexual, there's no need to fear that the sex drive would be some awful thing.

I'm perfectly comfortable with asexuals not wanting sex and not desiring to become sexual. That is your business and not mine. ;)

[thylacine]

Yeah, but Bunny, the thing is that society pressures everyone to be the same, so people end up living a false life and pretending to be someone they are not in order to feel worthy of having friends. So if you are not interested in sex and never were in the first place, then you end up pretending you are & etc... some people end up living a lie by not being who they are. I don't think it makes people any happier. I think that what makes people happy is to just be themselves. But society makes it so people are afraid to be themselves. You need to just say to hell with everyone else, and that's that.

[sunset]

I used to be sexual and when sexual attraction left me it felt like a blessing. And I wouldn't want it back.

I feel exactly this way. I think sexuality makes people operate in strange ways. I don't like how sexual people are prone to value the beautiful so much more than the plain. I also think that there's a lot of fantasy in sexuality and it makes people distort reality. It seems like sexual people can get very caught up in attracting and conquering. An asexual life is simpler and more real.

Although I wouldn't change myself, I would love for my husband to become asexual. I think it would take a burden off of him. Needless to say, he does not agree.

[pickles.]

I don't like how sexual people are prone to value the beautiful so much more than the plain.

A kind of voltage went through me when I read this. I think I have noticed this without ever articulating it. I hadn't linked it to a person's sexuality. Interesting to ponder...thanks.

--T

[ThatsLife]

I would change to sexual if I could. If that were the defacto case then I think I would have married a guy that I loved and have a nice family of my own right now (rather than watching him from the sidelines as a friend have that scenario with another woman).

It's interesting the posts depicting sexuals as crazed lust-driven lunatics. I have met a few that may fit that description in my life, but certainly not the majority. Add alcohol to anybody and any number of less than desirable traits may surface.

I agree it isn't the ultimate factor in determining ones happiness. And I think too many people look to others to make themselves happy. We are responsible for our own happiness.

Heidi

[BunnyK.]

Yeah, but Bunny, the thing is that society pressures everyone to be the same, so people end up living a false life and pretending to be someone they are not in order to feel worthy of having friends. So if you are not interested in sex and never were in the first place, then you end up pretending you are & etc... some people end up living a lie by not being who they are. I don't think it makes people any happier. I think that what makes people happy is to just be themselves. But society makes it so people are afraid to be themselves. You need to just say to hell with everyone else, and that's that.

This is interesting, and I basically agree, but what does it have to do with anything I've posted? I'm confused.

I think sexuality makes people operate in strange ways. I don't like how sexual people are prone to value the beautiful so much more than the plain. I also think that there's a lot of fantasy in sexuality and it makes people distort reality. It seems like sexual people can get very caught up in attracting and conquering. An asexual life is simpler and more real.

I am not sure that I'm reading this right, but it seems to me that you're saying that because I'm sexual I'm automatically more shallow and leading a life less real than you are? This kind of implied judgement doesn't really help anything.

Although I wouldn't change myself, I would love for my husband to become asexual. I think it would take a burden off of him. Needless to say, he does not agree.

I had my sexual attraction lifted from me for a while. I didn't feel like a burden was lifted from me, I felt like I had a burden put on me, and a curse besides. I hated it. Don't wish that on your husband. :P

[fern]

So you could be sexual, be lucky enough to find someone who really loves you and that's great. Sometimes it works out.

Or you could be asexual and accept that and just live a decent life with a cat. Or you could be asexual and meet another asexual and you could be great friends forever, and still keep the cat.

Or you could be like most people and be sexual and follow the culture and be promiscous and find that using and being used doesn't make you happy like it's supposed to.

People just need to be themselves, live a decent life, and avoid hurting other people. That's what's really important.

Thanks for saying this. :)

In a strange way it defines the question perfectly for me.

[sunset]

Sorry, BunnyK, I think my post did come across as judgmental. What is bothering me right now, and led to this post, is a situation with my daughter and her friends, who are all in highschool. My daughter is beautiful, and enjoying the attention of boys. She was just asked to a dance by a popular, cute boy. Her friend, who is sweet and talented, but not beautiful, asked a boy and was turned down. As happy as I am for my daughter, I'm just as sad for her friend. I wish we could just value everyone equally. But since we tend to be sexually attracted to the beautiful and sex is part of what draws sexual couples together, it makes me wonder what this does to the feelings of self-worth of those that aren't attractive.

Anyway, I didn't mean to offend. I was feeling a lot of sorrow when I was writing, and was less measured than I should have been. I think it's really hard for sexuals and asexuals to understand each others' minds sometimes.

[BunnyK.]

That's totally understandable, though it may help to remember that high school is one of the cruelest times for many people. Emphasis on looks and fitting in is high, interest in the beauty of people's soul is fairly low. I think as people get older they start to appreciate the non-physical a little more, so that the less adorable get more appreciation for the assets they do have.

[thylacine]

Hi Bunny. I guess the thing you felt confused about was my answer to: "therefore if an asexual could magically decide to become sexual, there's no need to fear that the sex drive would be some awful thing" -- because what I mean is that a lot of people who are in relationships aren't really happy in the relationships, they are just in the relationship because it is expected in society that everyone must be in a relationship or you are unworthy somehow... this is like, what I mean is, why should people have to change to make society happy? Do yah get me?

[thylacine]

Hi Bunny. I guess the thing you felt confused about was my answer to: "therefore if an asexual could magically decide to become sexual, there's no need to fear that the sex drive would be some awful thing" -- because what I mean is that a lot of people who are in relationships aren't really happy in the relationships, they are just in the relationship because it is expected in society that everyone must be in a relationship or you are unworthy somehow... this is like, what I mean is, why should people have to change to make society happy? Do yah get me?

[starrysky]

It's interesting the posts depicting sexuals as crazed lust-driven lunatics. I have met a few that may fit that description in my life, but certainly not the majority.

You will see a lot of that around here. It seems like a lot of people here think that almost all sexuals have STDs, have had 4,500 sex partners and can think of nothing else day and night but who is next on the list. I really only know one person like that, otherwise the sexuals I know are mostly like me. They don't fall into bed with every person they meet, they want a long-term relationship with one person... the only difference is they want to have sex with this one long-term person and I don't.

I suspect this is because a lot of posters here are teenagers whose fellow teenagers may spend a lot of time talking about sex, and pretending they're having more than they're really having.

[T_Hinker]

I don't think sexuals are STD ridden, nor do I think they fall in bed with everyone they meet.

I do think that in those 'between partners' times, they are made more miserable by 'urges' that do not plague me.

I live in a very small town and I do think that if I have sex with one person, I have in effect had sex with every person in town. I think that sooner or later, every person in a small town like this has been to bed with every other person who was not single or cheating at some point.

I seem to have a 'reputation' of 'pushing people away'. Hmmm "She's new in town and not a slut" I can't figure out how that is a 'bad' thing but it seems that it is.

[Islander9]

All my family, and all my friends, are sexual people (stands to reason, on the stats): however, there is no way I have ever wanted to be - or want to be- anything but myself, an asexual 8)

[BunnyK.]

Hi Bunny. I guess the thing you felt confused about was my answer to: "therefore if an asexual could magically decide to become sexual, there's no need to fear that the sex drive would be some awful thing" -- because what I mean is that a lot of people who are in relationships aren't really happy in the relationships, they are just in the relationship because it is expected in society that everyone must be in a relationship or you are unworthy somehow... this is like, what I mean is, why should people have to change to make society happy? Do yah get me?

Yes, I get you, but I think people are reading too much into my post in general. I was not thinking about whether or not acting on sexual urges would make anyone happy or not, but just that the urges themselves are typically not a "torment". I know very few people who've had cases of sexual frustration so bad that they couldn't be dealt with by a good fantasy and/or masturbation. That's all.

[Manathane]

I know very few people who've had cases of sexual frustration so bad that they couldn't be dealt with by a good fantasy and/or masturbation. That's all.

I had an ex who would get depressed to the point of being suicidal because he wasn't getting enough sex. Very scary indeed. I felt extremely pressured.

Not saying that all sexuals are like that ... just saying.

[thylacine]

I'm not saying all sexuals are like this... but I do know some people (and these are not teenagers, these are grown people who should know better) who let SEX!!! control their whole lives, totally and completely. They cannot be faithful to their wives (who put up with them) and they keep bothering other women (and believe me, they make a nuissance of themselves)...

These kinds of people drive me nuts because I'm an innocent bystander and they keep trying to drag me into their problems... Wife: "I think my husband is seeing another woman... well, is it you?" Certainly not! I don't bother to tell the wife her husband is a complete pig who keeps "accidently" bumping into me & "accidently" rubbing against me in the hallway where we both (unfortunately) work. "Oops. Klutzy of me." Yeah, right. Klutzy. Like, dude, take a cold shower. This guy is like a hound 24 / 7. I don't know how his wife can stand it. I'd have bought a shot gun long ago!!! So, for me... these "urges" are "torment" but it's torment on me from other (oversexed!) people! His acting on his urges makes me unhappy!

Like, it's not a compliment. It's gross. It's annoying. And plus he is butt ugly. Every time this guy is in the office, I want to put a big brick wall around myself. Everything is fine when he's not around, though.

FYI -- can't report the jerk, he's "well connected" -- i.e. -- "important."

[BunnyK.]

I had an ex who would get depressed to the point of being suicidal because he wasn't getting enough sex. Very scary indeed. I felt extremely pressured.

If that's true, he's a twit and needs to get a grip, and I hope you told him so. ;)

It seems more likely to me that he was a) either trying to manipulate you, or B) was responding more to the rejection than the actual sexual frustration.

Of course, even if the above were true, he's still a twit and needs to get a grip.

Like, it's not a compliment. It's gross. It's annoying. And plus he is butt ugly. Every time this guy is in the office, I want to put a big brick wall around myself. Everything is fine when he's not around, though.

Stuff like this happens to me too. Nothing like having idiots squeeze your tits when no one else is looking! ><

[starrysky]

I had an ex who would get depressed to the point of being suicidal because he wasn't getting enough sex. Very scary indeed. I felt extremely pressured.

Not saying that all sexuals are like that ... just saying.

If he was telling the truth and not just exaggerating to try and get his way, then that is not being a normal sexual person--that is a mental health problem.

If he wasn't telling the truth then he's just being manipulative. No different than people in my family who manipulate exactly the same way, except it doesn't involve sex.

[Manathane]

Yes, I think he was trying to manipulate me when he would call me late at night and beg me to come over. It was gross.

He really was very depressed, though. I don't know if it was truly correlated to sex the way he told me it was, but ... eh. I'm so glad that part of my life is over.

[janlascko]

What would be beneficial to everyone, is for there to be studies done of people who are asexuals, and with the predatory pedophiles (who are oversexed), see what common threads are in each category. Meaning, that those with the mental illness of preying on children, find out what 'makes them tick' (a common element of somesort), but by also studying us, where the urge is gone or was never there, to bring balance to this. Not to say, that we as asexuals need to become sexual to any degree, but find why we are so content with it! It's just a thought, but I know many years down the road. Just bear with me on this one (a victim of sexual child abuse)

[Chiaroscuro]

I do know some people (and these are not teenagers, these are grown people who should know better) who let SEX!!! control their whole lives, totally and completely. They cannot be faithful to their wives (who put up with them) and they keep bothering other women (and believe me, they make a nuissance of themselves)...

People (sexual, asexual, homosexual, intrasexual) can be jerks. I wouldn't attribute the jerkiness to their sexual persuasion.

Here's my take on this whole round-and-round: it's just silly to suggest that anyone would feel better if they were a different person. If I'm gay, I'm gay and I resent someone telling me I'd be happier if I was straight. If I'm straight, I don't want anyone telling me I should be gay.

I am happy being a sexual person. Yes it creates hardships at times. I'm also disorganized, artistic, obsessive, imaginative, etc... Suggesting that I'd be happier if I wasn't those things may be true some of the time, but I'm happy with the identity I've got, and my core "being" isn't going to change because I've done a cost-benefit analysis of it and decided I need some personality tweaking.

There's a lot of "wishing other folks were more like me" in the world (I'm guilty of it, too). I'm thinking we all need to humble down a bit, as hard as that can be, and let folks live their lives the way they were built to lead them. Except for terrorists. They need more sex. 8)

-Chiaroscuro

[Manathane]

Except for terrorists. They need more sex. 8)

...That's kind of offensive. I agreed with everything in your post up until your last two sentences. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like you're trying to equate the lack of sex with terrorism? How does that compute? That makes me feel like you're trying to call asexuals terrorists.

Sorry if I read too much into it. But I don't think you should joke around like that here.

[KAGU143]

Except for terrorists. They need more sex. 8)

...That's kind of offensive. I agreed with everything in your post up until your last two sentences. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like you're trying to equate the lack of sex with terrorism? How does that compute? That makes me feel like you're trying to call asexuals terrorists.

Sorry if I read too much into it. But I don't think you should joke around like that here.

This is the older asexual's forum, Alix.

The nuances that make Chia's statement funny can only be appreciated if you've been around long enough to hear virtually every existing human condition being blamed either on sex or lack of it.

The utter absurdity of that mindset is exactly what makes that statement funny. It has nothing to do with terrorists, aside from them being such stereotypical rubes and easy targets.

-GB

[Manathane]

This is the older asexual's forum, Alix.

The nuances that make Chia's statement funny can only be appreciated if you've been around long enough to hear virtually every existing human condition being blamed either on sex or lack of it.

The utter absurdity of that mindset is exactly what makes that statement funny. It has nothing to do with terrorists, aside from them being such stereotypical rubes and easy targets.

-GB

Well, I guess I haven't been around long enough, then...

[Chiaroscuro]

*gives Alix a big hug*

I was saying "don't judge others", for which the comeback is always "yeah, not even terrorists? not even nazis?"

Just for the record, I do not think that terrorists are asexuals. Remember, they are promised twenty virgins when they get to heaven.

-Chiaroscuro

[DianeL]

If I had to decide right now whether to change or not I think I'd choose to stay asexual. My whole life though I have waited to change and/or be cured so I very much would like to know what it is all about and wish I had a choice in all this.

Diane