QueenOfTheRats Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? What advice would you give to your younger self? How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 13 hours ago, QueenOfTheRats said: What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? Who I am 13 hours ago, QueenOfTheRats said: What advice would you give to your younger self? Be yourself 14 hours ago, QueenOfTheRats said: How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? I don't think it has. Link to post Share on other sites
fuzzipueo Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 On 5/30/2019 at 10:47 PM, QueenOfTheRats said: What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? Accepting yourself as you are and want to be is one of the hard things to do, but rewarding too. Accepting others for who they are is important. Always be willing to learn new things. On 5/30/2019 at 10:47 PM, QueenOfTheRats said: What advice would you give to your younger self? Relax and enjoy the journey. Angsting over what's to come only creates grey hairs and worry lines and headaches, among other things. On 5/30/2019 at 10:47 PM, QueenOfTheRats said: How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? The older I get, the more certain I am that, at the risk of sounding like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Nick2 Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 I would suggest to go through life without those bags on your heads. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 On 5/31/2019 at 12:47 AM, QueenOfTheRats said: What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? Accepting that it's okay that my life wasn't like others'. Quote What advice would you give to your younger self? To relax and not worry about everything so much: it's okay to not know who you are, what to label yourself, etc. Quote How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? I'm not as worried about fitting in with others/majority of society, anymore; I'm more at peace with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
imnotafreakofnature! Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 1. I've learned EVERYTHING the hard way! There's nothing too simple for me to complicate. I don't know what it is about me - maybe I'm just too stubborn and pig-headed to listen to anyone or learn from other peoples' mistakes - but I seem to have to make everything more difficult for myself than it needs to be. 2. Don't sell your soul for that relationship! I've often seen sex as the price you have to pay to wear a man's name, and it's JUST NOT WORTH IT!!!! 3. I only discovered asexuality a few years ago (in my 50s), so it hasn't had time to evolve yet. I'm just grateful to know that I'm not the only one - which means I'm not a freak of nature! Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 On 5/31/2019 at 6:47 AM, QueenOfTheRats said: What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? It’s not something wrong with me that needed fixing. I spent years fretting over why or how I was “broken” and all that ever did was make me unnecessarily empty and miserable. On 5/31/2019 at 6:47 AM, QueenOfTheRats said: What advice would you give to your younger self? If it doesn’t feel right for you it probably isn’t. On 5/31/2019 at 6:47 AM, QueenOfTheRats said: How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? At first I felt guilty, then I felt ashamed, now I feel happy, positive, fierce, and will fight anyone who tries to diminish who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 This is a great thread. I'm going to think a bit before I reply. I wonder if there is a way to give a thread like this more exposure (move and pin it in the Welcome Lounge)? I'm kind of envious of younger asexuals that find out about it much sooner in life (I was 44). Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 Quote What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? I can’t think of any lessons learned the hard way other than sex didn’t have to be an all-consuming presence in my life. Quote What advice would you give to your younger self? I’ll be the same person whether or not I have sex. Quote How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? Even though I was quite relieved and happy to find out about asexuality and to identify as such, I feel even better about it since ‘joining’ the AVEN community two years ago, coming out to a few friends and meeting some other aces. I wish I could be more helpful in my answers, but I didn’t question myself as to why certain ‘things’ didn’t happen in my life or beat myself up about it. My ‘discovery’ of asexuality was truly by accident. Who knows what would’ve happened if I hadn’t seen that ‘prophetic’ newspaper article? Would I have eventually found out about asexuality? Or would I be 57 years old now and still thinking I was straight (but not putting much effort into it)? From what I’ve read, a lot of the younger folks are questioning their sexuality (or lack of) and are proactively looking for answers. This is something I never thought of. Link to post Share on other sites
Onomatopoet Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 On 7/20/2019 at 4:03 AM, will123 said: ‘prophetic’ newspaper article Your word choice got me curious here. Have you written your self-discovery story down somewhere? Sounds like you've got a lesson or two to teach Link to post Share on other sites
Artila Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 On 5/31/2019 at 6:47 AM, QueenOfTheRats said: What important life lessons did you have to learn the hard way? What advice would you give to your younger self? How has the way you view your asexuality changed over time? 1) You don't have to change yourself to be "like the others". Instead seek to surround yourself with people like you! Bam, you are "like the others" but still yourself! 2) Chill out. Still saying that to myself but my younger self needs to hear that more. Chill. You are going your own path that fits to you and only you. If you feel you are not ready for something then you are not. Many others probably share that sentiment but act against it just to fit in. Save yourself the stress and listen to your guts. Also be patient. Life is still long and if you can't have something right away just chill out until your time has come. 3) I viewed it as a burden at first. Now I learned that I am not as asexual as I thought. I could actually be a normal unstereotypical allo who is simply not ready for sex and relationships and all that stuff. But I cannot know yet hence I go with greysexual because I still do relate to a lot of what many asexuals say. I really would prefer cake over sex. But I still experience sexual attraction. And that is not as uncommon as I thought it was. Also you folks need more representation. Seriously. I love the ace community! Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 4 hours ago, Onomatopoet said: Your word choice got me curious here. Have you written your self-discovery story down somewhere? Sounds like you've got a lesson or two to teach Here's the article in question: I'm 59 and didn't know a thing about asexuality until I happened to see it in the paper (syndicated) one day. It made perfect sense and to identify as asexual was a HUGE relief. Up until then I thought I was straight but looking back not putting much effort into that aspect or losing my virginity which was ny only real life goal. I had no interest in having a girlfriend. I had to be straight since I would admire girls for certain aspects of their anatomy. I 'knew' I wasn't gay (the only alternative besides being bi') since I had no sexual or romantic interest in guys. In 2001 a girl I knew and I went our separate ways after she asked me about us having sex (I said,"NO!"). Afterwards I was crushed since I had lost a friend. The fact I had reacted in such a way about sex (no specific act was mentioned) didn't really bother me emotionally. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. I'm pretty much an open book. I can link you to my coming out thread if you're interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Balance Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 I don't know if I learned things the hard way. I confirmed that I learned things years ago...but as usual without "their" terminology. Although some recently read books that helped confirm that were: W.Y. Evans Wentz - Tibetan Yoga and Secret Doctrines and The Kybalion / Hermetic Philosophy There are free pdfs online And read about robots, especially Asimov. There's more so called reality in those than I thought. Seriously, Robots/computers/PCs all around us. Makes me wonder if I've ever met a human. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 I guess one thing that may have lessened the 'Why don't you have a girlfriend?' questions was that I did have friends that were girls over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
Onomatopoet Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 18 hours ago, will123 said: If you have any other questions feel free to ask. I'm pretty much an open book. I can link you to my coming out thread if you're interested. Thank you for sharing! The article can't be found anymore, but I'm glad it was copied to the thread. I'm young enough for 2005 to feel like an eternity ago to me, so especially as something a bit older it's an interesting read. Please do link the coming out thread! I might have more to ask after reading some more Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 I really haven't changed around those that I'm out to. Yes they know I'm not interested in sex or romance, but it's a non-issue for them. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 2 hours ago, StrangeDruid said: Younger asexual (I'm in my mid-twenties) to a (presumed) older asexual - what got you to the point of feeling fierce? I don't feel guilty or ashamed, but I constantly feel like I need to prove myself as a human-being to other people, especially the ones I'm out to. How do I carve out a space in the world for myself? Most of my bad feelings came from being in a committed relationship with an allo guy before figuring things out. Once I figured out who I was I started to focus on the fact that Emmy wants and desires (or I suppose lack there of) were as valid as anyone else’s. I found that just because people had questions, it didn’t always mean they always deserved answers, especially when it came to the overly personal ones it seems to of ace folks get asked. So I stopped trying to debate people, or prove myself, and started stating things as facts they could either get on board with or they could take their opinions elsewhere. Another thing was I stopped thinking and framing my asexuality in terms of just the things I don’t feel, or don’t bring to the table, and started to think more about what I did want me did feel. I think if we frame ourselves only in terms of what’s not there, it’s harder to feel whole of that makes sense? Link to post Share on other sites
VanishingLady Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 As Whitney Houston sang. "I'd rather be alone than unhappy". No one and I mean NO ONE is worth ending friendships, isolating yourself from those who truly love and care about you. If your inner alarm bells are wringing with someone, listen to them. Words mean nothing - pay attention to actions. No amount of heartache is worth a "relationship" with an abuser/narcissist - they don't really love you and aren't capable of really loving anyone, not even themselves. Don't let anyone else tell you who/what you are, don't let anyone's opinions matter more than what you can sense about yourself and don't let anyone tell you (and this includes so-called medical professionals) that you are not really who you know yourself to be or that "there's no such thing" as your sexuality just because they "don't believe in it". Their beliefs don't matter; your reality does. It's okay to be unsure; it's okay and even "normal" to question, just bc exterior types don't like/agree with introspection and self-interrogation doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. They can go pound sand. Don't compare yourself to other people because there is no point. Commit to being your true self, your authentic self, and to be honest with and about yourself. People are going to push you around and do their damndest to define you and you'll need to push back. Don't be afraid to, don't force yourself into someone else's box. You don't have to take abuse - you don't have to take anyone's shit. You. Don't. Have. To. In the final analysis, it's you and only you who determines who you are. And it's you and only you who is responsible for you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who aren't worth it. Not every comment needs a response, not everything said needs a reply. This is esp my rule on social media - you can just let shit go by. Don't get trapped or sucked into a troll vortex or a worthless, disingenuous "debate". Choose your battles and make use of muting and blocking if available. Fuck "winning", you win by keeping assholes from sapping your energy. Link to post Share on other sites
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