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Skytree

Complicated! Any Help Appreciated, If Any

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Skytree
Posted (edited)

English is not my first language so I will try my best and I apologize for any errors. I also apologize if this is not fit for this forum since I'm not sure what to do or where to go. This place is the most appropriate for discussing this that I've found. It's also a little long, which I didn't plan.

 

 

I am in a difficult situation. There is a person who is very dear to me and they have been my best friend for about 8 years; it would not be exaggerating to say that this person saved my life. They found me when I was at my worst but still offered a hand in friendship to a stranger, even after that stranger did a very cruel thing to them. I am not originally from this country and my English was rather basic at the time, and they helped me with my speech and made me laugh when I'd forgotten how to do that. We've had lots of fun hanging out and we share a lot of interests and hobbies. I wasn't used to having friends.

 

Over time, we learned more about each other. My phobias and social problems didn't seem to bother them, and they were nothing but supportive; I am scared of lightning storms and the dark sometimes, and I know I come off as cold and prideful. If I was sad, my friend would give me a hug if I wanted. If I was angry, my friend would weather it patiently. If I was scared, my friend would stay up online to talk with me. I had never had someone be there for me like this and kept expecting them to admit they were just acting, but that never happened. By accident we ended up sleeping in the same bed for a night when I was scared, and I slept much better. It was embarrassing but nice to cuddle up with someone that makes you feel safe, and it became "a thing" now and then. Thankfully, my friend is very easygoing and few things bother them, and they see it only as helping me with a personal or medical issue. Unfortunately, this is also the problem.

 

I love my friend very, very much. I have for years now even though I didn't know it when it started. I don't want to be in love with them and I wish it would go away, but I also don't want it to go away if that makes sense. This includes physical attraction as well... My friend is Schizoid and so Asexual, and does not think or feel the way I do. "Completely oblivious" is how we describe it, their head is not so good with this sort of thing. I've presented chocolates on more romantic holidays hoping they would catch my hint, but everyone in the household loves chocolate and randomly getting some for one another is not unusual. Truthfully, I think that's is why I chose that route. (This curse has been a blessing in many shameful moments, though.) Their emotions also have trouble functioning normally and sometimes results in a shut down. It's hard to get close sometimes, and I have to wait until it passes. They are also eccentric and their dark humor is often a bit much for me. I don't mind it now, though I do wish they would tease me less sometimes. I know that they have no physical interest in anyone. They have never been in a relationship and are not looking, and I think they are unlikely to reciprocate in that way.

 

My family is very traditional; my brother is going to get the inheritance and they want me to come back home and marry someone they think is appropriate. My friend is a foreigner and is not rich, my father does not like them much, and to complicate things even more we are both girls. I have liked boys until this and dated some to try to push this away for many reasons, but that didn't end well. None of them went anywhere past one or two outings, and I kept thinking of how much more natural this sort of thing felt when I was just spending time with her. I stopped dating and tried to deal with my feelings instead, which was hard and confusing. I did a lot of denial since same-sex relationships are usually not seen kindly where I am from (though I think that is starting to change a bit in some places).

 

She was forced to move recently and I saw an opportunity to mutually save expenses, so we agreed to move in together. It was very nice! We cooked for each other and spent time reading and watching movies together, and both of us like to be alone so quiet time is also easy. If something happened, she was in the door below me instead of across the city on my laptop, and I can hear her playing violin during the day sometimes which reminds me. It's been perfect in almost every way. This is why it's also torture. We are both looking for new jobs in the area. Neither of us can afford to move again. I am very short on money so she offered to pay my share of rent for now, but I know how low her savings are after the move and I don't want to be a burden. I've made some desserts and cleaned a lot in thanks but it doesn't feel like much. When I tried to make something more unique on her hot plate, I set off the fire alarm and she ended up having to disassemble it to clean all the sticky carbon out and it just made more work for her. She said it was funny, and didn't mind because she got to open something she hadn't opened up before, but I still feel awful. The dial still sticks a bit...

 

I was sent some small monetary support for a while but my father recently cut that off to try to push me go come back, thinking costs would make me to turn to his way. I am an adult with citizenship here now, so there is nothing he can do to force me back but I don't want to cut ties with him. I wanted a good relationship with him and to make my mother happy as well. This makes the whole thing harder. I don't want my friend to be disgusted with me after being a friend for so long and after we shared a bed like that. She does it because she is a good person and doesn't have a filthy thought in her mind, and my desires seem dirty and shameful to me. I didn't think it would be this hard and I have been sitting in my room for the last few days to avoid seeing her. I want to be with her but it hurts to do so... and also not to do so. She has been asking if I'm okay once every day, and leaving food by the door to make sure I eat. I wanted her to stay away and my only interaction was to tell her to put on a mask because the air quality was bad today. I think she is out talking with employers right now... I have not been able to come up with anything to make it up to her for all she has done and I continue to feel useless, and selfish too for sitting in here dwelling on my feelings like this instead of being productive or knowing how to push it aside. Normally I would tell her my problems to make sense of them but I can't this time. I feel terrible.

 

I don't want to change or ruin my friendship with the best friend I have ever had. I don't want to like a girl this way. I don't want to cut ties with my family. I don't want to keep yearning for something I can't have. I don't think I can get rid of these strong feelings no matter how hard I try. I don't want to leave the country and can't move out. I don't want to be disowned by my family for this. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone.

 

I don't know what to do.

Edited by Skytree

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Kharina

I'm sorry to hear this Skytree: you seem to have a lot going on with your family, the job/house situation as well as trying to work out your feelings towards your friend and what to do about it.  No wonder you are confused and don't know what to do.

 

You obviously know your friend and your family best and how they are likely to react.  Are you wondering whether to tell your friend about how you are feeling - is that mainly what you feel uncertain about?

 

I also wonder whether you might feel more able to think through things if the situation was a bit more stable job-wise/financially? 

 

I am here to 'listen' (it's nearly bedtime where I am now but I will check back tomorrow) as much as you need.  And by the way, your English is excellent :) 

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Skytree
3 minutes ago, Kharina said:

You obviously know your friend and your family best and how they are likely to react.  Are you wondering whether to tell your friend about how you are feeling - is that mainly what you feel uncertain about?

 

I also wonder whether you might feel more able to think through things if the situation was a bit more stable job-wise/financially? 

 

I am here to 'listen' (it's nearly bedtime where I am now but I will check back tomorrow) as much as you need.  And by the way, your English is excellent :) 

Thank you~ I learned from someone who is very fluent and use it most often now.

 

Truthfully, I don't know at all. We have shared a bed platonically and I don't want to scare or disgust her by telling her that I am very attracted to her. Saying you are in love with someone is also a lot, and I doubt she would feel the same because of the way she is. The idea of being unable to go on as we have is very painful and I don't want to risk ruining everything. Her friendship is very important to me and I cannot bear the idea of her avoiding me or looking at me with disdain. However, not doing it is nearly as painful and I don't know what action to take. If my family were to find out it would be terrible all around. My father does not like her, and she's also not fond of him. Even if she were a man he would not approve, but it would be more understandable at least. They are not very warm or supportive, but they are still my family and I would like to try to have a nice relationship with my parents someday.

 

Being more stable would be nice but its only role would be giving me an option to move away. It's very hard to hide in the same house. I have been dealing with these feelings for a very long time and living together simply made it unbearable. I think that is the best way to describe it. I haven't known who to talk with about this mess. I don't think it can be solved so I am just after input from anyone for now because it may help.

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Kharina
On 5/30/2019 at 11:53 PM, Skytree said:

Thank you~ I learned from someone who is very fluent and use it most often now.

 

Truthfully, I don't know at all. We have shared a bed platonically and I don't want to scare or disgust her by telling her that I am very attracted to her. Saying you are in love with someone is also a lot, and I doubt she would feel the same because of the way she is. The idea of being unable to go on as we have is very painful and I don't want to risk ruining everything. Her friendship is very important to me and I cannot bear the idea of her avoiding me or looking at me with disdain. However, not doing it is nearly as painful and I don't know what action to take. If my family were to find out it would be terrible all around. My father does not like her, and she's also not fond of him. Even if she were a man he would not approve, but it would be more understandable at least. They are not very warm or supportive, but they are still my family and I would like to try to have a nice relationship with my parents someday.

 

Being more stable would be nice but its only role would be giving me an option to move away. It's very hard to hide in the same house. I have been dealing with these feelings for a very long time and living together simply made it unbearable. I think that is the best way to describe it. I haven't known who to talk with about this mess. I don't think it can be solved so I am just after input from anyone for now because it may help.

Sorry for this reply being slightly later than I had intended Skytree, I had a very full day with work yesterday and then was doing a show all evening.  

 

It does sound like a very tricky situation to deal with and I can see why you would want to talk to someone about it, and obviously your friend and family are out as people to talk it through with.  I have very little experience with relationships/attraction in general and obviously you know your situation best so I can't really advise you but I am happy to listen :) 

 

You did explain a lot about why you don't want to tell your friend how you feel and I can understand why as you don't want it to affect your friendship which is really important to you.  You also said though that not telling her is just as painful: is this because you feel so strongly and it's hard not to express it, or because you feel you have to put on an act all the time you are with her to conceal your true feelings?

 

I wonder if there's any information or support services you can access around relationships/sexual orientation who might be able to help?  Have you thought about this at all?  They might have some experience of helping people in a similar situation, especially people worried about family's reactions to not being straight.  

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Skytree
14 hours ago, Kharina said:

Sorry for this reply being slightly later than I had intended Skytree, I had a very full day with work yesterday and then was doing a show all evening.  

 

It does sound like a very tricky situation to deal with and I can see why you would want to talk to someone about it, and obviously your friend and family are out as people to talk it through with.  I have very little experience with relationships/attraction in general and obviously you know your situation best so I can't really advise you but I am happy to listen :) 

 

You did explain a lot about why you don't want to tell your friend how you feel and I can understand why as you don't want it to affect your friendship which is really important to you.  You also said though that not telling her is just as painful: is this because you feel so strongly and it's hard not to express it, or because you feel you have to put on an act all the time you are with her to conceal your true feelings?

 

I wonder if there's any information or support services you can access around relationships/sexual orientation who might be able to help?  Have you thought about this at all?  They might have some experience of helping people in a similar situation, especially people worried about family's reactions to not being straight.  

That's okay I don't mind! Having anyone listen at all helps a lot, thank you for that. It's helping my thoughts get in order, I think. In addition, I did the same thing. It would be silly to get annoyed over a long response full of thoughts when my own post was also long.

 

I'm not too sure. I am not acting, but I do hold myself back a lot. If we touch I will stop when I want to stay there. There likely are some places here regarding this, but I have had mixed experiences with establishments and would prefer to sort this out without that if possible. Nothing they could offer would prevent my father from being against it too.

 

I'm sorry if this is forward to ask... You said that you had "little" experience it relationships. Is that the same as "a little"? How do you feel when other people try to interact with you in a way that is not platonic?

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Kharina

Well, when I say little I mean none basically!  Been on the odd date but that's about it, and generally I react to anything that goes beyond talking/goodbye hugs with anxiety as I'm still questioning whether I've ever or will ever experience sexual/romantic attraction, so I get worried about not knowing that/not being able to reciprocate those feelings.  Hence have stopped dating and trying to work out where I fit orientation wise and what that means for me in the future.

 

Not ever experienced a close friend liking me in that way: it would be a little strange and would change things, and I would worry about upsetting that person if I didn't return their feelings, but I don't think it would damage/end the friendship long term as long as they respected my boundaries etc. and they still wanted to be friends.  However this is just my guess of how I would react and everyone will be different!

 

I guess it would only come up around telling your father/family if your friend returned your feelings and if you entered a relationship with them?  So I guess deciding whether or not to talk to your friend is your first hurdle really?

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Skytree

Thank you for your views, it is very helpful. It has all been inside a long time, and I made this thread when I was feeling very upset and overwhelmed. Seeing my feelings and your ideas next to each other just pushed into my mind strongly that all I could do is talk to her, even if I did not want to. I knew that already but it was frightening and hoped for another way. I had meant to start out easily and share all of the words, but I froze up and went a bit too far. I was very scared for a while, but she was nice and understanding and we talked about it. She'd thought I was angry with her, which I did not intend and made me feel bad. I told her everying even if it was... very embarrassing. "That's a lot of context to drop on a person," she'd said and that, "you can't help who you like". She also has no experience with relationships and dating, but said that we can try a non-official trial period to see if it's okay and not mistaken feelings as we already share a home. I was reminded that she is not interested in some of the things I wanted to do with her and I said that is okay. She also stressed my parents' reaction strongly. I don't know how to handle that yet. Despite all this, I feel much better. Thank you for helping. It was a nice day and I don't feel so upset or sick anymore. I had really missed getting hugs.

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