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Silveryspinnerette

Questions regarding a friend of mine

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Silveryspinnerette

Hi everyone! So before i start, i just want to say i really dont want to offend or hurt anyones feelings who are asexuals/aromatics, its just that this concept is new to me and im obviously not asexual/romantic and i only want to understand.

 

Backround: I am pretty sure my friend is asexual but probably still a romantic person. Shes says shes not sure what she is but heres what i know. She says she has never thought of any specific person shes ever met in that way BUT she does want a relationship eventually with someone. When we watch movies or anything else that has two people who are a really cute couple with lots of chemistry, she has said that she wants something like that, but shes uncomfortable about the idea of having sex, i thought maybe its either because she thinks it gross or that she is afraid of that type of intimacy. Personally, before my first boyfriend, i was repulsed at the idea of making out or having sex but after doing it, i grew to really enjoy that connection with somebody so i thought she might be the same. But shes simply never even thought or considered the idea of anyone shes met to be a partner for her, even just romantically without sex. Shes never even had a single crush and when i first heard that from her, i got so confused because i thought shes was one of the most flirty people i know. She is a very physically affectionate person too. The only times she thinks about relationships is when it doesnt involve herself, like fictional characters. She loves coupling people together (shipping) but has never in any circumstance inserted herself into any romantic fantasys shes had. But the confusing part is she openly says she would fuck a hot character or non real person but has never said this about a real person she knows. Im thinking she may just like the way they look and their personality but wouldnt actually do the act because of what else shes said? It also kinda hurt to hear this because i kinda have a crush on her which is why i probably have been stuck on this idea so much. Im starting to realize more and more that she has never and possibly never will feel that way about me or anyone but unfortunatly my longing and hope is still there and i wish it would just go away. Just like she doesnt control her lack of feelings, i cant control mine. Im thinking of just dating people for a while to get over her. To be clear, this would NEVER put a damper on my friendship with her, id die if she wasnt in my life.

 

So i guess my questions are: Is it possible she would ever come around? Is it possible she is just afraid of that kind on intimacy or has a lack of trust or fear that person would leave eventually? Is there any way a person could spark those feelings in her? Is it really true these thoughts never actually come to mind at all in an asexual or aromantic? If she likes fictional characters, does that really mean shes aromantic?

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The Cake is Not a Lie

Though it is possible for someone's orientation to change over time, you can't and should NEVER try to force a change. People can be attracted to fictional people and not real people. My advice is to let your friend figure this out on their own and don't pressure them to have sex or get into a relationship they don't want because it could be harmful to them and ruin your friendship.

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nineGardens

A) Everyone is very different, do not trust any perscription you get here, particularly when given by people who have never met your friend, and are guessing based on YOUR reports.

 

B ) For myself, I went all through highschool without a crush. I asked someone out for school dance or whatever, because it was "expected", and there was like one person who I was "interested" in for a bit... but then she had someone and when I found that out I didn't care. (that probably should have told me something) Looking back, and comparing to other people, its pretty clear it was like six year olds playing at "Marriage" and having no clue what it actually meant.

I hit 22 having been romantically interested in one person (but not sexually), and that was it.

At 25 I ended up having two girlfriends (six months apart). The first was really weird and awkward, and both of us trying to figure out what even is this, and both realizing that it was a nothing, and what are we even doing.

The second time I fell in love, and it was lovely, and sweet, and super warm. Sex happened, and was even fun, but wasn't didn't contain this sense of "Connection" you talk about above. Connection came and existed BEFORE the sex. It existed afterwards, and around it. Sure, the sex helped, but so did long walks, and talking about her family, and arguing philosophy and all that other stuff.

 

So... this is POSSIBLE. But I would not advise "waiting" for it. In particular, this has happened literally once in 30 years. If you are waiting for such a person, I don't like your chances, and more to the point, "waiting" is a sure way to ruin your friendship.

 

 

 

To answer your questions more specifically:

1 hour ago, Silveryspinnerette said:

Is it possible she would ever come around?

Possible, sure. I don't know her. I don't have the data to say anything with certainty.

Based on what you've said, probably unlikely though.

 

1 hour ago, Silveryspinnerette said:

Is it possible she is just afraid of that kind on intimacy or has a lack of trust or fear that person would leave eventually?

This is also possible, But.....

You say you are super close friends.

IF she is "held back" by lack of trust, or fear, you would (probably) hear about it (unless you were the target of said confusion/angst).

You would see her fretting. She would HAVE people she was interested in, and HAVE fantasies, and then dismiss them, or pull back from them. It would be a string under tension with fear and desire pulling in opposite directions, and fear/lack of trust winning out.

... but what you've DESCRIBED isn't that (what is real I don't know). It sounds like a leaf twirling in the wind, pinned down by neither desire nor fear.

 

On the other hand, it is perfectly possible that she is a person who isn't held back by fear, but is exclusively attracted to extreme amounts of trust (demisexual). This is a possibility... but I don't recommend hanging out or waiting for it.

 

1 hour ago, Silveryspinnerette said:

Is there any way a person could spark those feelings in her?

If she behaves like you described, I think this question is all sorts of confused, and a bit problematic (no offence meant, just my read.)

Look... I.... how to put... Any answer I give here that you act on is going to feel kind of messed up and manipulative, if it works or fails. Be you. Treat her as friend. Treat her right. LISTEN.

Any advice you take from weirdos on the internet WON'T BE YOU. If she is full Ace then NOTHING will work, and if she is Demi then the only thing that will work is being you (MAYBE), and you shouldn't expect a "spark", but instead something much slower. I mention that only because it exists, and I recommend you do not use my mention of it as an excuse to get hopes up.

 

1 hour ago, Silveryspinnerette said:

 Is it really true these thoughts never actually come to mind at all in an asexual or aromantic?

Depends what you mean by "These thoughts" and HOW FAR along the Ace specturm you go. I'm probably somewhere in the grey-ace region, and sometimes some thoughts come... but I doubt that they are the ones you are thinking of (far more often "I should hug this person. They are nice").

 

1 hour ago, Silveryspinnerette said:

If she likes fictional characters, does that really mean shes aromantic?

This thinking probably won't help you. What I mean is, don't worry about "Is she really <catagory X>?"  There are no hard and fast boundaries, the labels will only blurr your understanding.

Telling someone you went rockclimbing in the weekend is useful if they don't know what you did, but if you go out to the mountains with a friend, and then watch them clambering over rocks and up slopes, there is no point asking "How steep was that wall?" "Are they REALLY rock climbing?"

You don't NEED the label, because you can see the actual person, and their actual behavior.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

@nineGardens that was some really solid advice.

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KantWaitForGodot

I agree with other responders: don't expect that someone is going to change.  I hear you that it hurts when you have feelings that are unrequited, but sitting their "shipping" for the two of you is going to cause you more pain and it will have a good chance of chipping away at your friendship.

 

You really can hold onto the friendships in these situations, but you have to leave enough space for the other person to be who they are.  Pressure to form a relationship the other person doesn't want will surely damage the friendship.

 

A mistake I made back when I was younger is that I thought I could somehow turn friendships into romantic/sexual relationships, or merely more intimate friendships than the other person wanted, merely by force of will and persistence.  It took me years to realize this is toxic behavior because it puts one's own needs first ahead of the other person's, which is precisely the opposite of what a good friend does.

 

I will make a perhaps radical suggestion: you can sublimate your desire into enlisting your close friend in helping you meet someone else that you might find romantically interesting where it is not unrequited.  Perhaps consider asking your friend, given their interest in "shipping" to help you meet someone -- going out to social events with you, helping you figure out what you want in a partner, and advising you.  In other words, if your friend likes to "ship", ask her to ship for you and someone else!

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