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Question to romantic asexuals


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Imagine you are in romantic relationship with sexual person. You love him/her/whatever so much. But of course,this person wants to have sex. Would you do it for this person? 

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I would not. Well I might try it once, but I will probably hate it since I am sex repulsed/averse, so I am going to try to get a partner that is ace or doesn’t need it that much.

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nineGardens
55 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Does it matter? If you are asexual the other person is always going to feel like something is missing (so are you)

.... so... just in case, P.U. you do realize this comes across as kind of combative and aggressive when Magie was just asking a question.

Are you so sure of your knowledge of human relationships that you can say ALWAYS?

 

 

Anyway- In answer to OP.

I'm not sure I count for this question you are trying to ask, as I probably count as Demisexual more than full Ace... but your profile puts you at Gray Ace, so whatevs, I'll answer, you decide if it counts.

 

Yes. If I actually like someone, I'm happy to have sex with them. They like It, and as far as I'm concerned its like cuddles, but with less clothes (and them being confused and overwhelmed and calling me pretty afterwards, which is nice).

I don't mind doing things with someone just because they like it more than me. As long as I am not in a situation that throws up any of my "Woh- do not want" flags, then I'm happy enough.

 

For someone who was sex averse, obviously that ain't gonna hold up, and as PU does point out, depending on the partner they may or may not be happy with me treating Sex vaugely the same way I treat cake (I like baking for/with other people, sure, but its not actually super important)

 

 

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I don't think I could but I would be willing to try. It would be more of a chore or a duty rather than a loving act though. I'm not averse or anything so....Who knows really until I'm put in that situation.

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Duke Memphis

No, but I might try to meet her halfway with other stuff, especially as I'm very tactile.

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Glenninindy

There have been 2 extremely rare cases in my entire life, where I fell in love crazy mad, l did anything the person wanted,  but, the sex part stopped very quickly, the sex had  ended the wonderful fantasy,, and I became sad and mad because my wonderful fantasy died. I would also like to add, that these women were gorgeous, very sexy, and courted me for a long time first. No matter how crazy in love I was, I have never in my life made the first move, or pursued anybody.  I would have never done the sex part if I wasn't crazy in love,  and they weren't also sexy, gorgeous, courted me for a long time,, and kept my fantasy alive.,which never happened in reality. They eventually moved on, because I no longer needed/wanted sex.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
6 minutes ago, Glenninindy said:

There have been 2 extremely rare cases in my entire life, where I fell in love crazy mad, l did anything the person wanted,  but, It wore off very quickly, the sex had  ended the wonderful fantasy,, and I became sad and mad because my wonderful fantasy died.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I never ended up with them, but I remember thinking things like "I would do anything for her" (this kind of thought process is incredibly unusual for me btw) and "I would have sex if she wanted it".
Note, this was far before knowing anything about being a-spec. I was 14/15 (highschool freshman) at the time. I don't know if sex with her would have ruined it for me.

There have only been three people in my life that I would be fine doing anything sexual with.

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Glenninindy
1 hour ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Why did the fantasy die? Because you had sex?

Like I said, this crazy, mad, falling in love, happened only twice in my life. I have been loved by quite a few amazing women in my life, but there was something about these two., plus they were also gorgeous, sexy, and they pursued me for a long-time. I would not have had sex with anything less, but I soon grew to resent them for even wanting sex. Having  sex with them soon repulsed me. When the fantasy ended, so did the sex. So, yeah, sex  killed the fantasy for me.

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As I identify as a romantic ace... I would. I am not sex averse or repulsed so I would not see a big issue with having it. As long as we respect each others boundaries I don't see a problem for me. 

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Fluffy Femme Guy
1 hour ago, PaganUnicorn said:

...why would it?

I don't think it would have, but it didn't happen so I can't be 100% certain because it's a "what-if" scenario.

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To me it's obvious that trying to turn fantasy into reality just always ends up being a disappointment. Cause fantasy is much better than reality. The expectations are just too high and when you learn what the reality is, it's just a huge disappointment. Real life can't compare to fantasy. 

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AspieAlly613
5 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

...

Does it matter? If you are asexual the other person is always going to feel like something is missing (so are you). Just being blunt, as a romantic ace.

 

Which doesnt mean the passion isnt there just that sex doesnt work for whatever reason. if the person is with you odds are you arent all that different sexually, ace or not. It's a matter of figuring out suitable alternatives.

Romance means different things to different people.  Also, different allosexuals have different sexual desires/turn-ons.  For some but not all allosexuals it feels like something's missing if their partner doesn't desire the sexual contact.  

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm romantic but not towards humans, so a non-factor for me (thankfully). Not willing to have sex with anyone.

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CelesteAdAstra

A very, very hard question. I think I would try, but I can't even guess what my reaction would be. Everything from "this is completely okay!" to panicking would be possible.

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Custard Cream

Yes.   I am a grey-asexual who married a sexual, and it has been fine.  I'm not sex-repulsed though, which makes a difference. I can hande it.

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Glenninindy
50 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

...why?

The sight and function of  genitalia turns me off, and the way they looked and acted while having sex, just didn't seem natural and beautiful to me, It seemed creepy and perverted to me.

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@MaggieB Not without discussing it! I didn't know I was ace until recently so my previous relationships have all been marred a bit by this question; I wish I'd known enough to discuss it beforehand. Not in a lot of detail, but just enough to find out how important sex is to the person in question so you can set boundaries for compromise, work out if it's going to be a deal-breaker, if you're going to feel comfortable...

 

That's the main thing. You need to feel comfortable, or at least safe. If you're not, don't do it. But if you've discussed your boundaries and you're willing to give it a go for that person (it can be a good demonstration of affection or trust - I know that's how my boyfriend sees it), and they're as committed to you being as comfortable as possible, why not?

 

(I'm not averse, though, so...)

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Purple Wanderer

I did for years do it.  But I think now I'd rather be single forever than force myself into it again

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I am in a relationship with a sexual person.  We connect physically and emotionally in so many ways because their self esteem doesn't hinge on me wanting to mindlessly f their brains out.  XD

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎28‎/‎2019 at 3:25 PM, CBC said:

As a sexual person, I would not entertain a relationship with someone who was basically just offering me their body as though it were a masturbatory aid, however well-intentioned. That's kind of heartbreaking without the ability to actually feel desired and to connect emotionally. Sex with someone who's not into it feels "off", or even a bit icky. I think a lot of sexual people feel similarly.

 

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Strawberry ice cream

I'm asking myself this question very often. Since certain moment I just can't force myself. It would be for me like self hurting. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm fcn selfish. But honestly I would say no. Even if it means the end. I will not do it to my body and mind. 

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AspieAlly613

Please keep all discussion related to discussing the topic and content of what people say rather than criticizing people themselves.

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EggplantWitch

No. I would never get into a relationship with a sexual who does not understand, from the get-go, that ours would be a sexless relationship. I can't imagine ever loving anyone enough to put myself through something so awful even once, let alone multiple times a month for the rest of our lives.

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anisotrophic
11 hours ago, CBC said:

offering me their body as though it were a masturbatory aid, however well-intentioned. That's kind of heartbreaking without the ability to actually feel desired and to connect emotionally

I think it can be more nuanced than this, I think this is crude and doesn't capture the intent of love. I've found there can be an "emotional connection" in the trust I have to take, to let go and express myself sexually & receiving it as a gift.

 

It's a fragile thing, my trust in my sexuality being ok & being loved with that part of me exposed. I don't think comments like @ponz's would be helpful.

 

I do think the ability of someone sexual to be ok with this is very contextual to the individuals and relationship dynamic.

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