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The Incarnation Of Boredom

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The Incarnation Of Boredom

Okay so things didn't go well, we're just friends. Its fine as long as he didn't do anything.

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23 minutes ago, The Incarnation Of Boredom said:

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this for him

Do what for him? I'm not sure what the issue is here.

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8 minutes ago, Homer said:

Do what for him? I'm not sure what the issue is here.

I think the bf want sex and they’re uncomfortable?

 

If that’s the case then the best thing you can do is talk this out. Explain your situation and how you’re not sure whether or not you can go through with this. Communication is key to every relationship, if you’re not comfortable with something you have to say so that they know about it.

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The Incarnation Of Boredom
4 hours ago, Lichley said:

I think the bf want sex and they’re uncomfortable?

 

If that’s the case then the best thing you can do is talk this out. Explain your situation and how you’re not sure whether or not you can go through with this. Communication is key to every relationship, if you’re not comfortable with something you have to say so that they know about it.

I've told him, and he said its okay because he meant in the future and not any time soon. And to take all the time I need to get comfortable. I love him, he's so understanding. I told him about my gender dysphoria too and he told me its okay.

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AspieAlly613

I'm a little worried about the "take all the time you need" statement.  It's not a foregone conclusion (as far as I can tell) that you'll ever want to have recurring sex with him.  Did you spell out that part?  (Not that you need to right away, id the conversation has already made you this nervous.)

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I agree with Aspie:  if he believes that it's just a matter of you getting comfortable and you'll have sex in the future, you may need to be a little more clear with him.  From what I've seen on AVEN, that's a pretty common reaction when asexuals first talk with their sexual partners:  they think it's something that will get "better".  

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The Incarnation Of Boredom
4 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

I'm a little worried about the "take all the time you need" statement.  It's not a foregone conclusion (as far as I can tell) that you'll ever want to have recurring sex with him.  Did you spell out that part?  (Not that you need to right away, id the conversation has already made you this nervous.)

I told him I'd be okay with it one day probably, but not at the moment, so that's why he said it.

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AspieAlly613

Okay, that makes more sense.  Thanks for clarifying.

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telling him "I probably will be okay with it one day" , it the basis for his consideration of waiting for you to get comfortable. if you told him you could never have sex with him he more than likely would ended your relationship. based on my history it is only a matter of time before he says now or good bye. you should be prepared for that occasion mentally. I have never met a guy yet that could handle no sex for over two months with me and we were not exclusive to each other 

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The Incarnation Of Boredom
8 hours ago, shyramary said:

telling him "I probably will be okay with it one day" , it the basis for his consideration of waiting for you to get comfortable. if you told him you could never have sex with him he more than likely would ended your relationship. based on my history it is only a matter of time before he says now or good bye. you should be prepared for that occasion mentally. I have never met a guy yet that could handle no sex for over two months with me and we were not exclusive to each other 

I don't think he would've ended it, we really do love each other a lot so I think we'd try and find a compromise. But I plan to do it with him anyway, even if I'm terrified. I'll do it for him.

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36 minutes ago, The Incarnation Of Boredom said:

I don't think he would've ended it, we really do love each other a lot so I think we'd try and find a compromise. But I plan to do it with him anyway, even if I'm terrified. I'll do it for him.

Well... 

 

The issue here is if you are terrified and dont want to, but force it, you have potential to hurt yourself badly. That can sour even a good relationship. So, dont do it until / unless you get comfortable with the idea. Which, realistically, you may never be. And he should know that could be a possibility.

 

The other thing is if you dont want it but do it just for him, hes going to feel the difference and some (probably most) people cant even enjoy sex like that, because you can feel your partner is not into it and it feels kind of like you are being evil to them, even if they say its OK. 

 

He might be OK with no sex ever. But, the possibility sex between you wont be a thing is something that should be discussed. 

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It is impossible for you to cause physical damage to yourself or him if you have normal sex. It is quite easy to fake enjoyment for his benefit. If he doesn't enjoy sex with you the relationship will end shortly after. You already committed to sex with him in the future. 

 

you need to apologize if you lied to him about having sex in the future so he can decide if he want to continue a sexless relationship. Good Luck with that resolution. 

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The Incarnation Of Boredom
4 hours ago, shyramary said:

It is impossible for you to cause physical damage to yourself or him if you have normal sex. It is quite easy to fake enjoyment for his benefit. If he doesn't enjoy sex with you the relationship will end shortly after. You already committed to sex with him in the future. 

 

you need to apologize if you lied to him about having sex in the future so he can decide if he want to continue a sexless relationship. Good Luck with that resolution. 

I didn't lie. I had thought about it before and realized I'd do anything for him, including that. I don't mind the idea of the sex itself, but more of him seeing me naked. I have terrible gender dysphoria and it gives me terrible anxiety, but a friend of mine gave me some advice and said to keep my shirt on when we do it because it helped her when she did it.

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turn off the lights will have same impact on not seeing you naked while allowing him to feel your body and the associated trust in him 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

One of the big things about sex for sexuals is opening yourself up to the kind of intimacy and vulnerability that comes from being naked together, so insisting (forever?) that you're half dressed, or you have the lights off, will impact on the intimacy and vulnerability in the act for him, which in turn can make the whole thing seem (to a sexual) as in fact alienating and a rejection, as you're choosing to not be that intimate.

Absolutely true. with all the fences you are constructing I question the success of this relationship. No guy I ever met would handle all these fears of commitment. 

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3 hours ago, shyramary said:

It is impossible for you to cause physical damage to yourself or him if you have normal sex.

Going by what I have heard from friends, this is factually wrong. Oh and faking stuff will blow up in one's face eventually. The question is when, not if.

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AspieAlly613

So, a lot of this seems to come down to the personal specifics of you and your boyfriend, @The Incarnation Of Boredom.  The gender dysphoria does complicate things, as, well...it can be hard to ignore under the circumstances.  I'm optimistic that you can find some combination/compromise that can work.

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6 hours ago, shyramary said:

It is impossible for you to cause physical damage to yourself or him if you have normal sex.

 

False. It can cause tearing, bruising and a significant amount of pain if you are too tense and hating it while happening. I bled every time for a while cause I couldnt relax my muscles and lack of arousal meant it didnt happen naturally. I had to learn how. 

 

6 hours ago, shyramary said:

 

 

It is quite easy to fake enjoyment for his benefit.

 

Again, not true. Some find faking it easy, some it is practically torture. 

 

6 hours ago, shyramary said:

 

If he doesn't enjoy sex with you the relationship will end shortly after.

Not always. 

 

As for gender dysphoria, if he knows about it, there are ways he can try to help. Or if you feel more dysphoric, you can say not tonight and let him know when its less. I always skipped when my partner was feeling extremely dysphoric. 

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time will tell who is right,based on outcome of this relationship. I can only comment based upon my experiences as to the end game 

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