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Is it cruel to cut someone off completely?


Anonymous123456

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Anonymous123456

Imagine that you were once close to someone. But now you rarely talk. And when you do, it is brief and dull. You don’t see much point in keeping them in your life due to the complete detachment. Would you feel bad about cutting them off completely i.e. blocking their number, social media etc? And an explanation to them is not necessary as there has been a history of drama caused by you trying to rekindle some sort of spark of friendship that has been met with empty words and even emptier actions. It just makes you feel pathetic knowing that you still care about them when they evidently have no interest in you. Would you do it?

 

Thanks,

 

Adam

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Aimeendfire

Yes. 

Well it sounds like if you yourself stop reaching out then the friendships would stop altogether so yeah cut those toxic peeps out your life .

 

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Anthracite_Impreza

If you aren't talking anyway you aren't really friends any more so, no.

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At this point it doesn't sound like you'll be cutting someone out of your life so much as letting them go. 

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nineGardens
27 minutes ago, Nevyn said:

At this point it doesn't sound like you'll be cutting someone out of you life so much as letting them go. 

^^ this

 

 

To answer your question in a GENERAL sense (less to do with your specific context). Yes, cutting people off is cruel... but it will in some cases be the gentle option, both for yourself, and the other person.

 

In this case, I might suggest not "cutting then out", so much as just not keeping in touch. If you don't reach out and you don't start conversations, then by the sounds of it, it will be done.

If in a few years they want to get back in touch, I see no reason to stop them (although, if you'd prefer not to, then by all means)

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Chris Zulas

The only part of importance there is the part where they keep starting shit when you try and reconnect.

Otherwise, I think it would be cruel and mean, unless you just had awful anxiety or the like over looking at their name in your contacts or friends list. If they're toxic, fuck 'em (or, heh, don't). Life's too precious to spend it with people like that.

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Anonymous123456
33 minutes ago, nineGardens said:

^^ this

 

 

To answer your question in a GENERAL sense (less to do with your specific context). Yes, cutting people off is cruel... but it will in some cases be the gentle option, both for yourself, and the other person.

 

In this case, I might suggest not "cutting then out", so much as just not keeping in touch. If you don't reach out and you don't start conversations, then by the sounds of it, it will be done.

If in a few years they want to get back in touch, I see no reason to stop them (although, if you'd prefer not to, then by all means)

I think this summarises my general thought process. I don’t want to be cruel, but by promoting my interests without being spiteful might help both of us.

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Not sure if I totally understand what this is about so generally:

 

If they're abusers (mentally/physically/emotionally), yes cut them off. I have cut family off when they've become literally scary/dangerous to me.

 

As for friends that just drift apart, I wouldn't really call that cutting them off. You drift apart, send an email/text/call once in a while. That's not because they did something bad to you. But I would wonder why you'd cut them off completely in that case.

 

If you're talking about wanting a "relationship" with them and they just want to be friends and you'd be ok with friends, be friends (and not just thinking you'd change their mind about a relationship). Either way I'd be clear about what you want.

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Custard Cream

If you want the other side of the argument: I've been blocked by someone, without warning, and without any apparent reason. We had never fought. We had texted several times a day for months, but suddenly my texts didn't connect. I still feel very hurt, as I have no way of asking what I possibly did to deserve that...

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The same thing happened to me. Texting/calling/emailing every day or close to it and then nothing. Not to be dramatic but it crossed my mind: did I die or did they? You know, "Left Behind" books manner? I don't know why it happened but I'm guessing they're going through stuff just like I am.

 

Family has always been abusive to me, it was more of just saying I'm not taking it anymore. ACA/Adult Child of Alcoholics/addicts type of groups have actually been somewhat helpful to me, in dealing with all people, not just thinking of past family stuff.

 

But yeah, when friends just disappear it is painful and I don't understand. Especially since I feel that friends are more important as an adult than your parents/sibs.

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AspieAlly613

I forgot the name of the scientist who discovered this, but it's been documented that one can only have around 150 meaningful friendships at once.  That's a select group.  Some people just don't make the cut.

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everywhere and nowhere
12 hours ago, Nevyn said:

At this point it doesn't sound like you'll be cutting someone out of your life so much as letting them go. 

But still, measures such as blocking someone's number should be reserved for people who were trying to harass or threaten you. If you aren't talking to someone anymore only because the friendship simply faded away, the other person should still have the option to call in case they need someone's help.

As for social media, I only use them passively (read news without having any accounts), so I don't know how to deal with that. However, I use the opportunity to remind that not having a facebook accout doesn't make you a psychopath.

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The Terrible Travis

Coincidentally I just cut off someone earlier today, we were never close though. If you don't want them in your life anymore and you barely talk to them anyway, I really don't see any problem. 

 

I've also had people cut me off. I didn't particularly like it, but you get over it. At the end of the day no one is obligated to continue talking to someone they don't want to. 

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I understand "cutting someone off" as getting rid of someone who wants to be involved with you. That does not seem to be the case here. It's more like fading away, drifting apart... something like that.

 

@AspieAlly613 how is one supposed to have 150 meaningful friendships at the same time? Even 15 seem like a long shot to me. WTF has the term "friendship" become...

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15 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

I forgot the name of the scientist who discovered this, but it's been documented that one can only have around 150 meaningful friendships at once.  That's a select group.  Some people just don't make the cut.

Thats a select group? I cant even think of 150 people I know, let alone meaningfully... 

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4 hours ago, Homer said:

WTF has the term "friendship" become...

Haha, facebook probably had a hand in this.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I usually cut folk off with good reason.

I had one who used to text me morning till night, 6.30 am till 11.30....sometimes asking if I'd slept well and saying good night...then they followed me to a meeting and when I sat opposite them, they moved right next to me and turned their back to me, making sure I'd no access to over half the people there.

They then turned round right at the end and said to me 'oh you've missed some very good chat at this end of the table' ...of all the cheek.

Beware of folk who like to collect friends. It takes years to get close to me and I'm not that needy for anyone that is behave like that..

They actually texted me to say they hadn't enough friends and was looking to increase their circle...a bit like Horace Slughorn in Harry Potter.

 

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Traveler40

I make it a point of never being cruel, but have zero problem with walking away from folks who need to be walked away from. It’s never been a need to have a gaggle of friends, but I do have a circle of exceptional people I keep close. This strength, sense of self, or whatever you’d call it draws in the more vulnerable which can be tiring, but not engaging them works wonders.

 

My parents ensured I left home with the skin of an armadillo, so it’s rather hard to get to me in general. With that said, it’s also partly why I tend to be overly courteous, even to those that don’t deserve it. Walking away - priceless.

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3 hours ago, Pandark said:

Haha, facebook probably had a hand in this.

...and just like that I end up telling people that no, we're not friends (even though we get along.) The friendship bar is quite a bit higher... but maybe that's just me.

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7 minutes ago, Homer said:

...and just like that I end up telling people that no, we're not friends (even though we get along.) The friendship bar is quite a bit higher... but maybe that's just me.

That really happened? Awkward. This is why I avoid facebook altogether, prevents confusion. Rarely go to bars, but was approached by some guy at the bar the other day. So after an hour or so he's like, "hey let's keep in touch, this is my facebook account!" So I told him: "uh, sorry don't do that stuff, I'll just give you my phone number". Apparently giving phone numbers is highly inappropriate these days. 😲 Even tried to convince me to join facebook and gave me the sad puppy look when I said I really preferred phone. Never saw the guy again. Oh well. Guess I'm just being stubborn.😣

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Every time something in my life changes and I start to reevaluate my practice of avoiding FB like the plague, someone says something that reminds me “ah, right, no.  Still no.”

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2 hours ago, Pandark said:

That really happened? Awkward. This is why I avoid facebook altogether, prevents confusion. Rarely go to bars, but was approached by some guy at the bar the other day. So after an hour or so he's like, "hey let's keep in touch, this is my facebook account!" So I told him: "uh, sorry don't do that stuff, I'll just give you my phone number". Apparently giving phone numbers is highly inappropriate these days. 😲 Even tried to convince me to join facebook and gave me the sad puppy look when I said I really preferred phone. Never saw the guy again. Oh well. Guess I'm just being stubborn.😣

I lost some good friends because of my insistence I wasn't going to engage on facebook. That's the only way those people were going to keep up the friendship... I must admit, they live quite a distance away, but still. Email? Phone? Even skype? I tried facebook once and found it to be a false and nasty place with a lot of silly games you are forced to play by your 'friends' and your friends. No thanks.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I've seen the 150 people thing before, it's based on the amount of people you can maintain connections with, not friendships. Like, you may be friendly with your hairdresser and keep up with their life, without being close. Humans can generally maintain 150 of those sorts of links (approximately the average size of many tribes, not unsurprisingly).

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44 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've seen the 150 people thing before, it's based on the amount of people you can maintain connections with, not friendships. Like, you may be friendly with your hairdresser and keep up with their life, without being close. Humans can generally maintain 150 of those sorts of links (approximately the average size of many tribes, not unsurprisingly).

That sounds more realistic.

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
13 hours ago, Homer said:

how is one supposed to have 150 meaningful friendships at the same time? Even 15 seem like a long shot to me. WTF has the term "friendship" become...

Honestly I questioned the original phrasing around this because it's less "a scientist discovered that..." and more that there are many people doing sociological research, redefining terms like friend and relationship and meaningful, changing it again in the face of other research, then publishing some statistics they found. It's just the nature of science today that there's very little to be discovered but much to be taken out of context. ;) 

(Okay so I insist on continuing to explain, I wouldn't use the term discovered because that implies settled research which with a quotable idea like this seems extremely questionable and I also would question what on earth they were defining as meaningful friends/relationships.)

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Blocking is a bit too much though and is usually done when you actively want to avoid someone as interaction with them is painful, etc. If a friendship or any sort of relationship has run its course naturally and you've just drifted apart, you can simply stop talking to a person, without pointedly showing them they're out of your life for good and you want nothing whatsoever to do with them.

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3 hours ago, Acing It said:

I lost some good friends because of my insistence I wasn't going to engage on facebook. That's the only way those people were going to keep up the friendship... I must admit, they live quite a distance away, but still. Email? Phone? Even skype? I tried facebook once and found it to be a false and nasty place with a lot of silly games you are forced to play by your 'friends' and your friends. No thanks.

Facebook is what you make of it. I don't play games nor am I forced to. Mails are fine but I don't have time to write to too many people yet quite a few I still want to keep in touch with. So reading what they're up to, liking and commenting is often more feasible and easy.

 

What *I* don't get is instagram. It's basically a barage of photos with nary a trace of meaningful conversation. Now *this* I can't see as contributing to maintaining any sort of "friendship". Unless one's "friendships" are all about the boost they get fro ma bunch of (often near strangers) liking they pathetic selfies....

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4 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've seen the 150 people thing before, it's based on the amount of people you can maintain connections with, not friendships. Like, you may be friendly with your hairdresser and keep up with their life, without being close. Humans can generally maintain 150 of those sorts of links (approximately the average size of many tribes, not unsurprisingly).

That makes a lot more sense to me than 150 actual friends.

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2 hours ago, Solovei said:

What *I* don't get is instagram. 

A lot of people I know use insta to share pictures with friends they have already...

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8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

A lot of people I know use insta to share pictures with friends they have already...

Which you can do on facebook *with* actual conversation. I just don't get staying in touch (which is what I was talking about) just with photos. But - to each their own. The pathological selfie-snappers are on all social media, after all.

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