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PaganUnicorn

What does a functional relationship look like?

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Aimeendfire
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

In my friend’s case she has liked (not in a sexual sense) certain kinds of pain as far back as she can remember.  Other kinds (e.g., toothache pain) she does not like at all.

 

Her kids are fraternal twins and it appears one may be following in her footsteps.  One cries after a fall, crashing into a table corner, getting a bruise or cut, etc.; the other one either doesn’t react or giggles.  One cries if they go to the pediatrician and get shots; the other cries if they go to the pediatrician and don’t get shots.

That’s very interesting...I’ve never thought of the inclination towards pain to be genetic. I’ve also never met a child that wanted a shot.

-will google for further research...later-

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ryn2
25 minutes ago, Aimeendfire said:

That’s very interesting...I’ve never thought of the inclination towards pain to be genetic. I’ve also never met a child that wanted a shot.

-will google for further research...later-

She hadn’t either, and it may just be coincidence, but we’re observing with interest.

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Traveler40
On 5/22/2019 at 2:34 PM, PaganUnicorn said:

4-> [question for those who have been in mixed relationships with aces] what did you learn from those relationships? did they end? if so how long did they last? are you still friends?

I’m still in my mixed marriage but basically, empathy (or lack thereof) can ultimately make or break the foundation.

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Traveler40
23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

If it's a massive push which results in having lights out starfishing sex twice a year, as opposed to none, I can truly appreciate the effort, but it would still be too little for most sexuals.

The only surprise I get on these forums is the complaints from folks who actually have sex with their asexual partners.  Being female, I’m not exactly sure what the starfish equivalent is, but my husband is now 10 years + celibate. That “happily celibate state” has come at a cost though. 

 

When you have so little as the sexual partner in that, any looks amazing from the outside. When you have any, quality is the issue apparently.  It’s just tough all the way around.

 

Edit: I got sidetracked in thought.  My point was that hurt, anger and resentment from having a partner not try at all is tough to set aside. Empathy and desire to meet your partner in the middle, whatever that looks like, is what can make it workable to an extent.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

 It’s just tough all the way around.

Why not divorce your ace partner and be with your lover instead?

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Traveler40
1 minute ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Why not divorce your ace partner and be with your lover instead?

Life isn’t that simple. Apparently, you’ve read a bit about my story and know of the complications. We are all coasting on the current set up and, most importantly, my kids are thriving.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Life isn’t that simple.

I know. Id like to know your reasons. Thats why I asked.

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Traveler40
3 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

We are all coasting on the current set up and, most importantly, my kids are thriving.

 

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PaganUnicorn

In other words, the guy who you are sexually attracted to wouldnt make a good father/step-father.

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Traveler40

One has nothing to do with the other and your assumption is way off base frankly. I suspect you may not have children.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

One has nothing to do with the other and your assumption is way off base frankly.

Well, you've described before how wonderful your lover is, how he makes you feel and how you've introduced him to your kids. Makes me think that if you could easily leave your husband for him and have a stable marriage with him, maybe you would. i mean, why not? perhaps because he isnt the settling down type

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Traveler40
14 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

if you could easily leave your husband

It’s just not that easy, and I’m not going to break it down.  Furthermore, your assumptions are way off base and lack the color of nuance.  My lover is, in fact, an incredible parent to my kids in many ways. My kids, while they don’t know it, have three people making decisions for their benefit at all times.  

 

Pagan, I watched you push Tele earlier in the thread, and I don’t fancy being involved in a repeat performance of my own.  I’ve answered your questions to the extent I plan to here. ✌

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PaganUnicorn

@Traveler40 I'm merely asking question about your relationship, which is what this thread is for and which I assumed you wanted to answer otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

 

My sincere opinion is that I don't understand your arrangement, or why your kids need some shadowy figure making decisions about their lives without them knowing by a person who has nothing to do with them other than being their mother's affair partner, or how your husband is fine with any of this, but you do you. It's seriously baffling for me. Why not just come out as polyamorous and be upfront with your kids, that I don't understand.

 

EDIT: No wait I actually do. Your AP likely isn't the settling down/ commitment type.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

empathy (or lack thereof) can ultimately make or break the foundation.

I’d have to guess that’s true for all aspects of a relationship (not just sexual mismatch).  Someone who doesn’t appear to care about your concerns, whatever they are, is going to be a challenge to stay in love with.

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PaganUnicorn
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I’d have to guess that’s true for all aspects of a relationship (not just sexual mismatch).  Someone who doesn’t appear to care about your concerns, whatever they are, is going to be a challenge to stay in love with.

Not something exclusive of mixed relationships either, or romantic relationships.

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ryn2
Just now, PaganUnicorn said:

Not something exclusive of mixed relationships either, or romantic relationships.

Well, staying in love with someone (or wanting to, at least) would be exclusive to romantic relationships but agreed that the idea of wanting to feel like the people in your life care about you applies more generally.

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

In other words, the guy who gives you the tingles wouldnt make a good father/step-father.

This sure looks like you're making a random, thoughtless elitist comment.

Parents are not interchangeable widgets, no matter the parenting-ability of another individual. Nor is it respectful to describe our sexuality (which is often emotionally entangled) with crude language like this.

You know what makes my relationship work? My partner's respect and empathy for sexuality. 😠
 

3 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

I'm merely asking question about your relationship, which is what this thread is for and which I assumed you wanted to answer otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

I think you're "merely" treading pretty close to offensive trolling.

@Serran has warned you that you're sounding elistist in another thread. I've also seen you characterize another post you made as "shitposting".

We're not your toys, and I -- for one -- don't want to engage with you any further.

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PaganUnicorn

@anisotrophic I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

1-> What makes a relationship successful?

 

I have no goddamn idea. I've only been in four actual relationships, and the first three ended horrifically. So here's hoping for the best?  I've always had classifications of I must be friends with that person first, and we must have a compatible sense of humor. But apparently that's not enough to carry a relationship.  Maybe I just have terrible judgment in friends.

 

2-> What was your most successful relationship and why did it end (if it ended)?

 

If you mean by most successful, the longest, then that was my last marriage which was 12 years. It ended because of a lot of reasons. We ended up being incompatible. He didn't like my opinions, which are strong. He felt like they were attacks on him.  He also could not forgive, nor could he ever forget. So over the years, there was a multitude of things that built up extreme amounts of resentment that could never be fixed.

 

3-> What were some of the most important lesson(s) you've learnt from your relationship(s)?

 

I need communication, empathy, and respect. Comedic humor is great, but it's not essential. To be respected by my partner, to be treated like an equal, to be understood, those are much more important aspects to a relationship.

 

4-> [question for those who have been in mixed relationships with aces] what did you learn from those relationships? did they end? if so how long did they last? are you still friends?

 

I'm currently in a relationship with an ace. I've learned a lot about myself. But I don't think it's specifically because he's Ace. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm in therapy now and I am starting to respect myself more, and understand myself more. And I'm just in an overall more healthy relationship. I don't equate that to his sexuality, or mine. I just think that as people we are much more compatible.  We've been together now for about 9 months, and we have yet to have an argument, or really much of a disagreement at all. I've said before and I'll say again, if for whatever reason we don't work out, It's not because we disrespect each other. And although it would hurt for a while, I don't think I could ever not be his friend.  Hell, I'm still good friends with my ex, and he's a bit of an a-hole.  😂

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MrDane
On 5/22/2019 at 11:34 PM, PaganUnicorn said:

So... since you are unhappy with your current relationships (or going through some trouble adapting to your partners asexuality, or have been through it), are for the most part a bit older and more experienced, i want to ask some questions about relationships. dont have to be mixed relationships can be any relationships.

 

1-> What makes a relationship successful?

2-> What was your most successful relationship and why did it end (if it ended)?

3-> What were some of the most important lesson(s) you've learnt from your relationship(s)?

4-> [question for those who have been in mixed relationships with aces] what did you learn from those relationships? did they end? if so how long did they last? are you still friends?

 

I'll see how this goes and depending on that, i may or may not ask these questions on Asexual Relationships just for asexuals who've been in relationships (mixed or otherwise).

1.love, respect, interest, mutual understanding about differences, same basic list of priority. (Sex and intimacy is high on mine, together with love. On hers it just says love)

2. Not ended. Only hard about the sexual mix.

3. Give space. Ask. Listen. Forgive. Allow individuality. Helps when both wants to please and help.

4. Still together. Happy. See number 2. I worry deeply how it will evolve if she completely says no to sex. She could be bored or turn repulsed in time. ‘The last drop’

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verymelancholic

I have never been in a relationship but Communication, Love, Understanding, Empathy, Compatibility, Humor, Respect, Patience, Honesty, Fidelity,  every virtue is a necessity.

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