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PaganUnicorn

What does a functional relationship look like?

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PaganUnicorn

No, I just thought you were all for experimenting and going outside of your comfort zone and all that. You should practice what you preach ;)

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Telecaster68

In some areas. Not in others.

 

I didn't actually say there was anything wrong in not pushing out of your comfort zones, either, just that I'd noticed asexuals are less likely to do it (and you agreed).

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PaganUnicorn

So are some sexuals.

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Telecaster68

Whatever.

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd noticed asexuals are less likely to do it

Have you noticed that here, or “in the wild”?  A forum setting tends - as you know - to skew more introverted than the general population.

 

I only know one asexual person irl and she is a huge comfort-zone-exceeder.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Have you noticed that here, or “in the wild”?  A forum setting tends - as you know - to skew more introverted than the general population.

 

I only know one asexual person irl and she is a huge comfort-zone-exceeder.

Both. It was a fairly tentative conclusion though.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I only know one asexual person irl and she is a huge comfort-zone-exceeder.

In the sexual sense?

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Both. It was a fairly tentative conclusion though.

My personal sample size is really small (as I know only the one irl ace) but reading some of the other posters “general adventurousness” seems to be a

separate trait from orientation.

 

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else as relentlessly adventurous as my ace friend.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

In the sexual sense?

Yes and no.  She is very active in the BDSM community, and it’s difficult to find play partners if you aren’t willing to include sexual activities in your scenes, so:  yes in the sense that there’s nothing she won’t do, but no in the sense that she’s ace and partnered sex itself does nothing for her.  She doesn’t seek sexual adventure; she is willing to trade it for the adventure she *does* seek.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yes and no.  She is very active in the BDSM community, and it’s difficult to find play partners if you aren’t willing to include sexual activities in your scenes, so:  yes in the sense that there’s nothing she won’t do, but no in the sense that she’s ace and partnered sex itself does nothing for her.  She doesn’t seek sexual adventure; she is willing to trade it for the adventure she *does* seek.

Have you ever asked her what she gets out of it if she isnt getting any sexual gratification (being ace)?

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ryn2
9 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Have you ever asked her what she gets out of it if she isnt getting any sexual gratification (being ace)?

Out of BSDM, or out of sexual activities?

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PaganUnicorn

@ryn2 Either.

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Either.

Yes, we’ve discussed it extensively.

 

With BDSM she, among many other things, gets a strong “runner’s high” effect in reaction to very specific types of pain, is a parent to young children and therefore prefers to take risks in a more controlled environment, and generally enjoys both the power exchange and the people she meets through BDSM.

 

As above, she gets nothing out of  partnered sexual activity itself.  It’s a tool she uses, or a currency she pays with, to get what she actually wants (in this case, partners to play with).

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PaganUnicorn

@ryn2 Is she a sub, dom or a switch?

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ryn2
1 minute ago, PaganUnicorn said:

@ryn2 Is she a sub, dom or a switch?

She prefers to sub but is skilled with a lot of equipment and will switch if needed.  She won’t play multiple times with someone if she finds out during a scene that, despite what they said ahead of time, they would really rather have her dom.

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PaganUnicorn

@ryn2 Interesting. I think people like her just show that there is more to sexuality than hormones. and sex.

Ive met someone who liked the whole sub/dom dynamic (this person was a dom, and a schizoid) but got no sexual gratification out of it. It was all psychological for him. Also, originally BDSM didn't involve sex it only started involving sex when it became more mainstream. or so I was told.

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ryn2

Agreed, BDSM can be sexually gratifying but it can also be gratifying in many other ways.

 

Also, some sexual people experience an upswing in desire/the urge to engage in sexual activities when they are “wound up” (in an excitement or adrenaline rush sense) in general.  They may want to follow a scene with sexual activity even if the actual play wasn’t sexual/sexually stimulating.

 

Her preference would be NOT to do so, but she has not found ace play partners.

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Telecaster68
10 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

there is more to sexuality than hormones. and sex

Since hormones are mindchanging chemicals that affect far more than wanting to shag, I'm not entirely sure what that even means.

 

Anyway, there's more to sexuality than hormones and sex for totally vanilla people, too.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Since hormones are mindchanging chemicals that affect far more than wanting to shag, I'm not entirely sure what that even means.

*shrugs* what do I know.

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Anyway, there's more to sexuality than hormones and sex for totally vanilla people, too.

I agree. So you do understand what I mean?

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

I agree. So you do understand what I mean?

Not really. I suspect you think vanilla sex is pretty much animalistic rutting while BDSM is far more intellectually interesting.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not really. I suspect you think vanilla sex is pretty much animalistic rutting while BDSM is far more intellectually interesting. 

lol I really don't but I do think BDSM is far more intellectually interesting yes. I know a lot of the BDSM stuff is implicit in vanilla as well.

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cbc

Why does an asexual person into BDSM prove that there's more to sex than hormones any more than a vanilla sexual person's desire for sex does? I mean, you can argue that it makes that point due to the BDSM-loving ace (supposedly) having no hormonal drive behind it (although I would question that, personally... maybe something on a more subconscious level), but it doesn't really make the point any more strongly. I have no interest in BDSM, but desiring sex is about far more than hormones. Obviously hormones play a role in things like basic sex drive (as personally evidenced by the fact that when I was about 40-50 lbs underweight, wasn't menstruating due to lack of oestrogen, etc., I also had zero interest in sex), but people have reasons far beyond mere base instinct. And that seems obvious to me without needing to use a kinky asexual person as an example to prove it.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, CBC said:

Why does an asexual person into BDSM prove that there's more to sex than hormones any more than a vanilla sexual person's desire for sex does?

It doesn't :) It was just an example.

 

I agree with everything else you've said.

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cbc

Ok, fair enough.

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ryn2
8 minutes ago, CBC said:

Why does an asexual person into BDSM prove that there's more to sex than hormones any more than a vanilla sexual person's desire for sex does?

I agree 100% that it doesn’t, but also BDSM is =/= kinky sex.

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cbc

I know very little about it as it's never held any appeal, so. Thanks for pointing that out. Or reminding me, rather. I'm aware it's not all about the sex, yeah. 

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ryn2
11 minutes ago, CBC said:

I know very little about it as it's never held any appeal, so. Thanks for pointing that out. Or reminding me, rather. I'm aware it's not all about the sex, yeah. 

For some people it very much is (and that aspect tends to get all the press, for a variety of reasons).  Others enjoy it but aren’t sexually aroused by it.

 

Sometimes it’s nothing about sex at all.  E.g., my friend gets an endorphin rush (and zero sexual arousal) from dull, heavy pain.  BDSM is a much more controlled way to indulge herself that than going around picking fights would be, especially since she has a grown-up job and preschoolers.

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cbc
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

BDSM is a much more controlled way to indulge herself that than going around picking fights would be, especially since she has a grown-up job and preschoolers.

That's... yes. Definitely a better option haha.

 

I'm quite sensitive to pain and it mostly has traumatic associations for me, so that's not my thing sexually for sure. I have a history of occasional self-harm and there was never any pleasure in the pain aspect at all; it was all about the release and about the act of doing something overtly damaging to myself. A combination of stress relief and punishment. Er, and I enjoyed the blood.  (Not into blood sexually though, haha.) But I would always numb the area first with a topical anaesthetic so I could minimise the pain.

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ryn2

In my friend’s case she has liked (not in a sexual sense) certain kinds of pain as far back as she can remember.  Other kinds (e.g., toothache pain) she does not like at all.

 

Her kids are fraternal twins and it appears one may be following in her footsteps.  One cries after a fall, crashing into a table corner, getting a bruise or cut, etc.; the other one either doesn’t react or giggles.  One cries if they go to the pediatrician and get shots; the other cries if they go to the pediatrician and don’t get shots.

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anisotrophic
23 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

So... since you are unhappy with your current relationships (or going through some trouble adapting to your partners asexuality, or have been through it), are for the most part a bit older and more experienced, i want to ask some questions about relationships. dont have to be mixed relationships can be any relationships.

 

1-> What makes a relationship successful?

2-> What was your most successful relationship and why did it end (if it ended)?

3-> What were some of the most important lesson(s) you've learnt from your relationship(s)?

4-> [question for those who have been in mixed relationships with aces] what did you learn from those relationships? did they end? if so how long did they last? are you still friends?

 

I'll see how this goes and depending on that, i may or may not ask these questions on Asexual Relationships just for asexuals who've been in relationships (mixed or otherwise).

I'm around 15 years in, with kids, and happy -- despite changes in our identities of orientation and gender, it seems.

1. We make each other more than we would have been apart.

That has meant much of what others will also say. Communication, including when upset or worried. A deep valuing of each other's happiness and success. Stubborn determination and adapting.

I think a lot of what makes it work can also cause dysfunction if imbalanced. Maybe that's the risk and reward embodied in relationships.

2. This one, and nope.

3. I think my big picture retrospective on it is that people change, and relationships evolve. Like the ship of Theseus, I think our identity isn't static... we are constantly being repaired and replaced and remodeled. (Even memories themselves are rebuilt by the act of remembering! We are constantly rebuilt.)

And thus, our relationships as well... they're processes, I think.

Maybe this is why communication matters so much. Shared values, yes, but... our values shift as we age. Will they shift together? Ours have, I think. The shifts were not abrupt, and always communicated. As we age and change, I think we must be choosing to change in ways that reinforce each other, and our relationship.

4. We learned that we experience sex very differently! We both learned that for some people -- for me, and not him -- sex can be very entangled with love and affirmation. It's something neither of us were very conscious of until we unfurled and examined and compared our experiences of sexuality.

We're working hard on trying to make sure we each feel loved and whole for the sexualities we have. Sometimes I'm in dumps, feeling the sting of an unintended rejection -- but I know it's not meant that way, and he'll comfort me until I get the tears out -- and we keep working on how to make things better.

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