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PaganUnicorn

What does a functional relationship look like?

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

The “why” of it can, though.

And the 'why' of it will come out in a million other ways over a coffee or a glass of wine, and it'll be clear whether it's a significant difference or not.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the 'why' of it will come out in a million other ways over a coffee or a glass of wine, and it'll be clear whether it's a significant difference or not.

*nods*

 

I think sometimes people assume the why based on the what, or are afraid to dig too deeply, and mistake agreement on superficial things for compatibility.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

That kind of connection is so rare, why give up on it for a career and not try to make it work?

I was 27, this was my first substantial relationship, I didn't think it was that rare, and I'm not convinced it's that rare. Not going for a career would've meant having shitty jobs all my life, and dropping other creative ambitions. This wasn't just working long hours vs not working long hours. And we'd pulled apart at a far deeper level too - basically both of us confident enough to go chasing our own stuff, which we hadn't been before. We'd have been clinging to something whose time had past, it wouldn't have worked, and it would've soured the whole relationship.

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PaganUnicorn

@Telecaster68 I still dont quite understand what was it that ended the relationship. You wanted a career, she wanted... kids maybe? oh i think i get it... she would have been in her mid to late 30s.

Well that was... predictable. if i am reading the situation right why didnt you set this straight in the beginning or in any of the 4 years of the relationship?

 

Let me know if i am meddling or asking uncomfortable questions. im curious and I am only asking because you brought it up.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And we'd pulled apart at a far deeper level too - basically both of us confident enough to go chasing our own stuff, which we hadn't been before. We'd have been clinging to something whose time had past, it wouldn't have worked, and it would've soured the whole relationship.

*nods*

 

Sometimes people and relationships - just like more practical things like jobs, living quarters, transportation, etc. - can be perfect at one point in your life and yet not workable at other points.

 

The awesome bike that got you everywhere in college/uni doesn’t transport your three kids and their hockey gear.

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Anthracite_Impreza
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

You’re a poor match for Tele?  :)

Well duh, he's not even a vehicle ;)

 

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I completely respect both, but honestly the tendency I see is that people identifying as asexual tend not to push themselves in the 'screw it, I'm doing a parachute jump for charity' way. Those that do, great. I'm only talking about a tendency.

 

Massive on the inside pushing still indicates general caution though, or it wouldn't be a massive push to get even a little way out of a tight comfort zone. If it's a massive push which results in having lights out starfishing sex twice a year, as opposed to none, I can truly appreciate the effort, but it would still be too little for most sexuals.

Fair dos. Just coming at this from the side of anxious paranoia, sometimes the "zest for life" thing can show itself through the tiniest acts. Sometimes it's as simple as standing up for yourself when you've been trampled on your whole life, or walking down the street without your comfort jacket. To me, you can push yourself while still being cautious. It's not as flamboyant as spontaneously jumping out of an aeroplane, no, but it still requires some level of fortitude.

 

Obviously the sex part is well out of my knowledge and comfort zone.

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Fair dos. Just coming at this from the side of anxious paranoia, sometimes the "zest for life" thing can show itself through the tiniest acts. Sometimes it's as simple as standing up for yourself when you've been trampled on your whole life, or walking down the street without your comfort jacket. To me, you can push yourself while still being cautious. It's not as flamboyant as spontaneously jumping out of an aeroplane, no, but it still requires some level of fortitude.

I don’t think there’s a better or worse approach... just that someone who lives for one approach may not be happy with someone who lives for the other.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

why didnt you set this straight in the beginning 

What was true at the end was not true/did not exist at the beginning.

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t think there’s a better or worse approach... just that someone who lives for one approach may not be happy with someone who lives for the other.

I don't think there is either, but sometimes the magnitude of those little things gets lost amidst all the charity-jumpers, is all I'm saying.

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ryn2
Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I don't think there is either, but sometimes the magnitude of those little things get lost amidst all the charity-jumpers, is all I'm saying.

Yep, totally hear ya.  It’s a bit like how both extraverts and introverts make important contributions but sometimes the latter don’t stand out as clearly and are undervalued/overlooked.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

What was true at the end was not true/did not exist at the beginning.

The relationship lasted 4 years though... plenty of time to set things straight I think. just my humble, inexperienced opinion

 

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yep, totally hear ya.  It’s a bit like how both extraverts and introverts make important contributions but sometimes the latter don’t stand out as clearly and are undervalued/overlooked.

indeed.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

The relationship lasted 4 years though... plenty of time to set things straight I think. just my humble, inexperienced opinion

It doesn’t sound to me like they missed something early on or failed to set anything straight.  They continued in a relationship as long as it met both their needs.  When they reached a point where one or the other would have had to make a big sacrifice in order for the relationship to continue, they amicably reevaluated and agreed  it was time to end the relationship.

 

They didn’t end it at a year, or two years, or three years, because at those points it was still meeting their needs.

 

At least, that’s how it sounds to me.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

The relationship lasted 4 years though... plenty of time to set things straight I think. just my humble, inexperienced opinion

There was nothing to set straight. We both changed as people of the course of the relationship, and in a good way, for us as individuals, and the reason for that change was the relationship, so it made sense to stay together, but there came a point where it had changed too much to survive, at which point the right thing to do was separate.

 

All this is far, far too clinical and analytical as a way of describing experience though. We were deeply, passionately in love, and cared about each other intensely, and had fantastic sex because of that emotional intimacy, and the sex increased the emotional intimacy too, like a spiral. It got to a point where experiencing someone else having that much sustained faith and confidence in us gave us the same faith and confidence in ourselves to grow as people and take on other projects, work, etc, which we loved doing too. Eventually those other projects and plans became more of a priority than the relationship, and we were maybe not quite so mutually needy of each other, so we moved apart, emotionally. Not so far apart that we didn't still care about each other, and also we now each had the confidence to say 'I need this...' rather than leaning on each other so much, so we realised the relationship had run its course.

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PaganUnicorn

I see.

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Telecaster68

@Anthracite_Impreza

 

Do your favoured objects not include guitars then?

 

I completely agree those lesser noticed efforts are just as valid, and hard, and to be celebrated. But if you're the other person in the relationship, it tends to mean your partner gets celebrated for having got out of their pyjamas that day, because that can be done within both people's comfort zones, while the you never get celebrated for jumping out of planes because providing that support would be too much for your partner. 

 

Without blaming anyone, it's the kind of situation where it can get very painful before the plane-jumper comes to the difficult conclusion that sometimes love isn't enough.

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PaganUnicorn

@Telecaster68 Ok so... this relatonship happened when you were in your 20s. What then? If I may ask.

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Telecaster68
Just now, PaganUnicorn said:

@Telecaster68 Ok so... this relatonship happened when you were in your 20s. What then? If I may ask.

A couple of insubstantial flings, then a couple of years later, I met my wife at work, most of the history of which is scattered round AVEN.

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

I completely agree those lesser noticed efforts are just as valid, and hard, and to be celebrated. But if you're the other person in the relationship, it tends to mean one person gets celebrated for having got out of their pyjamas that day, because that can be done within both people's comfort zones, while the one who wants to jump out of planes never gets any support because providing that support would be too much for their partner. 

 

Without blaming anyone, it's the kind of situation where it can get very painful before the plane-jumper comes to the difficult conclusion that sometimes love isn't enough.

This is another example of incompatibility, to my way of thinking.  A little (or temporary) difference in comfort zone size can be beneficial to both partners but a large, lifelong one - or a situation where both partners like it where they are - is going to be a major challenge.

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Anthracite_Impreza
19 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Do your favoured objects not include guitars then?

Nah, sorry bruv.

Spoiler

58bde1ad169a9e7cd9a76cec483ca663--mechan

 

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ryn2
Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Nah, sorry bruv.

  Reveal hidden contents

58bde1ad169a9e7cd9a76cec483ca663--mechan

 

Isn’t it crass to drink right from the can when everyone else is being more fancy?  ;)

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

A couple of insubstantial flings, then a couple of years later, I met my wife at work, most of the history of which is scattered round AVEN.

It turns out its rarer that you thought, innit.

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Telecaster68
Just now, PaganUnicorn said:

It turns out its rarer that you thought, innit.

To be fair, I've been off the market for 20 years.

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Anthracite_Impreza
Just now, ryn2 said:

Isn’t it crass to drink right from the can when everyone else is being more fancy? ;)

They're a Mustang - big, brash and crass is their forte ;)

 

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ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

To be fair, I've been off the market for 20 years.

And even if it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes thing, it still ran its course.

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PaganUnicorn

@Telecaster68 Maybe you'd be luckier with men? ;)

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

@Telecaster68 Maybe you'd be luckier with men? ;)

Define 'luckier'....

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PaganUnicorn

Well if you are looking for someone who "gets" you maybe a man would be a better bet.

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Telecaster68

I have a male best friend of 30 years, but I don't want to sex or a romantic relationship with a man though.

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PaganUnicorn

Ok. But just think about it.

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Telecaster68

Why? I might suddenly heal from being heterosexual?

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