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What does a functional relationship look like?


PaganUnicorn

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PaganUnicorn

So... since you are unhappy with your current relationships (or going through some trouble adapting to your partners asexuality, or have been through it), are for the most part a bit older and more experienced, i want to ask some questions about relationships. dont have to be mixed relationships can be any relationships.

 

1-> What makes a relationship successful?

2-> What was your most successful relationship and why did it end (if it ended)?

3-> What were some of the most important lesson(s) you've learnt from your relationship(s)?

4-> [question for those who have been in mixed relationships with aces] what did you learn from those relationships? did they end? if so how long did they last? are you still friends?

 

I'll see how this goes and depending on that, i may or may not ask these questions on Asexual Relationships just for asexuals who've been in relationships (mixed or otherwise).

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1 hour ago, PaganUnicorn said:

I'll see how this goes and depending on that, i may or may not ask these questions on Asexual Relationships just for asexuals who've been in relationships (mixed or otherwise).

Does this mean you would prefer that only sexual people answer this version?

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PaganUnicorn
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Does this mean you would prefer that only sexual people answer this version? 

well i posted it here for a reason :)

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39 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

well i posted it here for a reason

*shrugs*  A lot of ace people post in here, just like the sexual posters post in the ace-“themed” threads.

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Aimeendfire

1. Communication and trust 

2. My most successful relationship is the one I’m currently in(married) to another avenite. It has yet to end ( and I hope it doesn’t) 

3. The most important lesson I think I learned is that love and how we experience love changes as the relationship changes . At first it was really hard to understand that we had moved on from the honeymoon stage. Also it was a LDR for 8 years so I learned to let go of my jealousy and to trust.

4. N/A

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PaganUnicorn
12 hours ago, Aimeendfire said:

3. The most important lesson I think I learned is that love and how we experience love changes as the relationship changes . At first it was really hard to understand that we had moved on from the honeymoon stage.

Could you expand on that?

 

12 hours ago, CBC said:

Well to the first question, I'd say something like... compatible ways of feeling and expressing love (and to a good extent, compatible ways of experiencing life in general), open and honest communication, willingness to be vulnerable, and trust. I also feel like a relationship should make you feel like and be the healthiest and most authentic version of yourself. If you're not fully being you, what the hell is the point? That's kind of... toxic. Sometimes more insidiously than very obviously.

i agree, those are some very good points. it's what I (and most people) would want from a relationship.

Could you give any examples of relationships where you have experienced that, and how you experienced it?

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Having the same set of priorities for the relationship.

For example?

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

When I was 23, with the mother of two kids, and she was 11 years older than me. On paper, we would've had nothing in common and plenty of huge differences, but we were both at a particular point in our lives when we needed the same thing from a relationship: someone at a particular point in recovering from previous shitty relationships, and somehow we recognised it in each other and trusted each other with our emotions completely. Also, we were both ready to kick back and enjoy ourselves, and fantastically compatible in bed.

Ok i have some questions...

1- what were your and her set priorities for the relationship?

2- how old were her kids?

3- what did you have in common? i mean, being 11 years older and having kids while you are 23 one would think you have very little in common... unless you were a very mature 23 year old and liked kids.

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

After four years, we'd both moved on to slightly different places, largely because of the way the safety of that relationship allowed us to both grow, so we split up, painfully, but amicably.

so... why did you split up if I may ask?

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

an appetite for life (which is where sex comes in)

Why would someone who is uninterested in sex lack appetite for life? there's plenty of people who become celibates because they want to live their lives more freely and not be tied down.

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PaganUnicorn

@Telecaster68 How was that relationship different from FWBs? You liked each other, had good chemistry, liked the same music, got along well, similar situations... what part of it is the romantic element?

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

The most important thing we had in common was the life-stage thing I mentioned: at that moment, we both needed someone who felt safe because they understood the effect of the crappy situations we'd each just escaped from, and that we needed to have some fun. And the sexual connection was part of both those things. Oh, we also both loved the same kind of music, and made each other laugh.

would this relationship have happened if you werent in those crappy situations and didnt need a safety net?

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Her kids were 4 and 11. I got on fine with them, the younger one especially, as we shared a sense of humour. I was a fairly mature 23 year old and I do like kids, in much the same way as I generally like people, and figuring out how they tick.

Do you have any kids?

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I don't know, but my observation (directly and via posts on AVEN and the like), that most people who don't like sex tend to be cautious and anxious, and would rather stay in situations they find safe and risk free, than push themselves out of their comfort zones. And sometimes those comfort zones are pretty restrictive, like not going out, not meeting new people etc. I understand they may have issues like anxiety, but they're still tending to stay out of situations which have what they see as unpredictable elements, like, say, someone else's sexuality.

i have observed the same things. i do have some anxiety but i dont think this applies to me as i feel the most anxious when i am at home. I go out, meet people, try out new things, do sports (some even a bit dangerous), take risks (some even a bit stupid). I like to explore and I too like to figure out how people tick and learn new things. Sex was just never a part of it for me.

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

We still liked and respected (and as it happened, fancied) each other immensely but as two adults who cared about each other, realised our own and each other's interests were actually that we split up.

But you said you had the same set of priorities? How did it take 4 years to realize you were that incompatible?

--

 

What lesson(s) did you take away from that relationship that helped you in future ones?

 

 

 

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7 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

But you said you had the same set of priorities? How did it take 4 years to realize you were that incompatible?

I read his earlier posts to say that they were compatible when they met, but that - thanks in part to the supportive environment the relationship provided - they both grew and changed over the course of the four years they spent together.  As they grew and changed, they became less compatible.

 

So, it’s not something that took four years to see.  It took four years to happen.

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PaganUnicorn

@ryn2 The priorities were

Finding mutual emotional support in each other. Sexual experimentation. Travelling together. Starting a family.

 

Either these priorities changed for one of them or both, or they had different priorities in the beginning of the relationship which changed into these ones in which case what were their priorities at first...?

 

I get it they helped each other, were in similar situations all that. I just dont understand how this relationship is any different from FWBs who happen to be some sort of roommates.

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1 minute ago, PaganUnicorn said:

The priorities were

Finding mutual emotional support in each other. Sexual experimentation. Travelling together. Starting a family.

 

Either these priorities changed for one of them or both, or they had different priorities in the beginning of the relationship which changed into these ones in which case what were their priorities at first...?

I read the priorities list as examples of similar priorities, not as Tele’s specific priorities for  the relationship he was in while in uni?

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Not then, not now.

Oh? I thought you mentioned a son at some point? maybe im confusing you with someone else, but i could swear it was you...

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

No, it wouldn't, to the crappy situations, but then it also wouldn't if I hadn't been sacked from my previous job, moved, bumped into an old friend by chance and gone that completely random party, and she hadn't been dragged out to that party by a friend. Chance is a thing.

i understand that but my point is, is there anything about her as an individual that clicks? chance or not? does she feel that way about you? I may be inexperienced by afaik thats what romantic feelings are. otherwise you are just fwbs who get along really well and have great chemistry.

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It wasn't a safety net relationship.

i must have misunderstood then. you put a lot of emphasis on the safety part so I assumed.

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

We did have the same set of priorities for most of the time, but having the security of that relationship enabled us both to grow, and in growing our individual priorities changed so they became incompatible in sustaining a relationship. We still liked, and cared for, and fancied each other, but realised that part of caring for each other was that splitting up would be best for both of us.

And that's great and very healthy.

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Mainly that healthy relationships aren't necessarily built on the kind of form filling checklists approach and can't be predicted. You just have to try it and see if it works as well as you hope.

Well there has to be some filtering right? of course theres giving people a chance and all that but theres people things work with and others it doesnt. you dont have to date them to know which are which in many cases. I'm not saying anything new here am i?

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

They were examples, not to do with this specific relationship. 

Oh, i misunderstood again.

 

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PaganUnicorn

EDIT: ah nvm that. i may or may not reply on the linked thread.

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Anthracite_Impreza
46 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Complementing this, wanting sex is like a hunger, an urge to consume pleasure with another person, and sating it adds to the richness of one's experience. If you're not interested in adding to the richness of your experience, to me, you lack an appetite for life.

What if you push yourself in other,  non sexual ways? Or if your version of pushing yourself seems small on the outside but is massive on the inside?

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3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

What if you push yourself in other,  non sexual ways? Or if your version of pushing yourself seems small on the outside but is massive on the inside?

You’re a poor match for Tele?  :)

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

both people liking Seinfeld means nothing one way or the other.

The “why” of it can, though.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I had that level of connection with this partner.

That kind of connection is so rare, why give up on it for a career and not try to make it work?

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the 'why' of it will come out in a million other ways over a coffee or a glass of wine, and it'll be clear whether it's a significant difference or not.

*nods*

 

I think sometimes people assume the why based on the what, or are afraid to dig too deeply, and mistake agreement on superficial things for compatibility.

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PaganUnicorn

@Telecaster68 I still dont quite understand what was it that ended the relationship. You wanted a career, she wanted... kids maybe? oh i think i get it... she would have been in her mid to late 30s.

Well that was... predictable. if i am reading the situation right why didnt you set this straight in the beginning or in any of the 4 years of the relationship?

 

Let me know if i am meddling or asking uncomfortable questions. im curious and I am only asking because you brought it up.

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

And we'd pulled apart at a far deeper level too - basically both of us confident enough to go chasing our own stuff, which we hadn't been before. We'd have been clinging to something whose time had past, it wouldn't have worked, and it would've soured the whole relationship.

*nods*

 

Sometimes people and relationships - just like more practical things like jobs, living quarters, transportation, etc. - can be perfect at one point in your life and yet not workable at other points.

 

The awesome bike that got you everywhere in college/uni doesn’t transport your three kids and their hockey gear.

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Anthracite_Impreza
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

You’re a poor match for Tele?  :)

Well duh, he's not even a vehicle ;)

 

3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I completely respect both, but honestly the tendency I see is that people identifying as asexual tend not to push themselves in the 'screw it, I'm doing a parachute jump for charity' way. Those that do, great. I'm only talking about a tendency.

 

Massive on the inside pushing still indicates general caution though, or it wouldn't be a massive push to get even a little way out of a tight comfort zone. If it's a massive push which results in having lights out starfishing sex twice a year, as opposed to none, I can truly appreciate the effort, but it would still be too little for most sexuals.

Fair dos. Just coming at this from the side of anxious paranoia, sometimes the "zest for life" thing can show itself through the tiniest acts. Sometimes it's as simple as standing up for yourself when you've been trampled on your whole life, or walking down the street without your comfort jacket. To me, you can push yourself while still being cautious. It's not as flamboyant as spontaneously jumping out of an aeroplane, no, but it still requires some level of fortitude.

 

Obviously the sex part is well out of my knowledge and comfort zone.

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1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Fair dos. Just coming at this from the side of anxious paranoia, sometimes the "zest for life" thing can show itself through the tiniest acts. Sometimes it's as simple as standing up for yourself when you've been trampled on your whole life, or walking down the street without your comfort jacket. To me, you can push yourself while still being cautious. It's not as flamboyant as spontaneously jumping out of an aeroplane, no, but it still requires some level of fortitude.

I don’t think there’s a better or worse approach... just that someone who lives for one approach may not be happy with someone who lives for the other.

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4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

why didnt you set this straight in the beginning 

What was true at the end was not true/did not exist at the beginning.

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t think there’s a better or worse approach... just that someone who lives for one approach may not be happy with someone who lives for the other.

I don't think there is either, but sometimes the magnitude of those little things gets lost amidst all the charity-jumpers, is all I'm saying.

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Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I don't think there is either, but sometimes the magnitude of those little things get lost amidst all the charity-jumpers, is all I'm saying.

Yep, totally hear ya.  It’s a bit like how both extraverts and introverts make important contributions but sometimes the latter don’t stand out as clearly and are undervalued/overlooked.

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PaganUnicorn
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

What was true at the end was not true/did not exist at the beginning.

The relationship lasted 4 years though... plenty of time to set things straight I think. just my humble, inexperienced opinion

 

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yep, totally hear ya.  It’s a bit like how both extraverts and introverts make important contributions but sometimes the latter don’t stand out as clearly and are undervalued/overlooked.

indeed.

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2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

The relationship lasted 4 years though... plenty of time to set things straight I think. just my humble, inexperienced opinion

It doesn’t sound to me like they missed something early on or failed to set anything straight.  They continued in a relationship as long as it met both their needs.  When they reached a point where one or the other would have had to make a big sacrifice in order for the relationship to continue, they amicably reevaluated and agreed  it was time to end the relationship.

 

They didn’t end it at a year, or two years, or three years, because at those points it was still meeting their needs.

 

At least, that’s how it sounds to me.

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7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

I completely agree those lesser noticed efforts are just as valid, and hard, and to be celebrated. But if you're the other person in the relationship, it tends to mean one person gets celebrated for having got out of their pyjamas that day, because that can be done within both people's comfort zones, while the one who wants to jump out of planes never gets any support because providing that support would be too much for their partner. 

 

Without blaming anyone, it's the kind of situation where it can get very painful before the plane-jumper comes to the difficult conclusion that sometimes love isn't enough.

This is another example of incompatibility, to my way of thinking.  A little (or temporary) difference in comfort zone size can be beneficial to both partners but a large, lifelong one - or a situation where both partners like it where they are - is going to be a major challenge.

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Anthracite_Impreza
19 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Do your favoured objects not include guitars then?

Nah, sorry bruv.

Spoiler

58bde1ad169a9e7cd9a76cec483ca663--mechan

 

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