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Cee_theWriter

A little bit terrified. And a whole lot Relieved

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Cee_theWriter

Hi all,

 

I’m going to be straight with you - I’m terrified.

 

But, I’ve come to this crossroads in life and I figure it’s time to deal with the big, grey, looming storm that is my sexuality, or lack of one. And I’ve been reading, researching, and meditating over this for a good while now. Until a YouTube video sent me here, and after reading everything again I figure I need to TALK - or y’know type as we do in the modern age lol - to others who might be able to help me sort through the confusion. So THANK YOU if you’ve got this far. I’m a writer & author by trade...I’ll ramble...sorry.

 

I believe I may be asexual. And I believe there’s a number of deductions I can make to support this. Firstly I haven't been in, or desired any sexual relationship for 11 years. The last most recent person I tried to date came on way too strong and I was left a crying, distressed mess. I also find that when I’ve tried to date - which is not every often - I can’t understand the expectation. It distresses me to the point I clam up and go silent. Which usually leads to the other person getting angry, frustrated, or confused. So I’ve blamed myself. Of course I crave a connection with a partner, but not with sex. The only sexual experience I had with a partner was eleven years ago. Even then I didn’t need it. In fact it was often a stressful experience for me. But I loved my partner and wanted them to enjoy being intimate - and hoped with time I could learn to enjoy it too. Sometimes I did. But I found these times connected to intimacy - and the act of sex had nothing to do with the joy I had of just. being close to this person I loved. 

 

This is where the confusion set in for me. I couldn’t get that connection again. Or, the people I dated were leaping in to have sex and I was NOT ready for that. I tried to explain, “just give me time,” or, “I’m not there in this relationship yet.” Unfortunately, they still read this as okay to continue, what I call “sexualised touch.” You know what I mean? The kissing and the stroking that they hope will eventually lead to your arousal or interest in going further. Only, I couldn’t relax. The more they tried the more stressed I became. So inevitably I ended it. I actually ran out of a nightclub after a person i’d been dating attempted to “dirty dance” and whisper suggestions to me. They followed me to a cab I’d hailed and where so apologetic, but I was too stressed to go there. I told them I couldn’t give them what they wanted and left. In hindsight it was funny and we remained somewhat friends for awhile but I could tell they wanted more. And as much as tried I couldn’t. They ended up making out with a close friend of mine, and they told me they’d did it to get a reaction - notably they got none, only a “well you can both see yourself out” response. But, again more hurt.  Even my friends where testing me.

 

Another friend laughed over dinner a few years later, “oh honey, you don’t know what’ it’s like to be in a real relationship. With a person who makes you feel like a goddess. You don’t get to take part in this conversation.” It was a convo about sex with their partners. I was humiliated and left wondering was that true, did my lack of sexual experience nullify my relationships? Was I not worthy to sit at the table & eat with my girlfriends. To be included in their conversations? I knew what sex was but I didn’t equate it to intimacy - was I supposed too? 

 

I found writing not long after this. And found out I was a very good writer. And this is where my confusion got worse. I enjoy writing romance - not erotica - but romance that explores intimacy. I may write a love scene but the mechanics are always about the connection. And then I thought...well, am I sexual? But I’d continue to be distressed in real life at the prospect. So, then I inevitably got asked - how do you write such good romance and sex scenes without experiencing it? I always answer with the fact that romance is usually a secondary plot in any of my stories and the sex scenes few & far between, usually not prioritised at all by the characters.  But then I feel frustrated over WHY I should defend my art? Is it not possible for an asexual to write like that? Then maybe I’m not asexual? I honestly don’t have an answer for that, if someone reading this does I’d really appreciate insight.

 

All in all I’ve come to this point because I’m tired of feeling unworthy, or less than. I love myself enough to feel it’s my right to express myself in the way that’s right for me. I’ll turn 30 at the start of next year. I’m a beautiful, intelligent woman. I’m creative and strong. I’ve a powerful literary voice. But deep down I’ve carried this pain over my sexuality, or lack of, and I believe if I can learn to love that part of me. To understand it, and reach out to others who can help me be this vulnerable, then I’ll heal enough to go out there and build the relationships I deserve, with confidence and no more shame.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read. It’s been cathartic enough to write. I do invite anyone to share their thoughts. The more I understand the more I can process. 

 

Love & blessings 

 

Cee

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Dreamsexual

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Cee_theWriter

THANK YOU 😊 Dreamsexual.

 

I’m very much in favour of this custom of cake. There’s never any reason to not accept cake. 

 

Yes. I’m hoping I can finally be at peace with saying I’m asexual. And learning more about myself and what that means going forward. Especially as an author, and someone who interacts on a platform. I need to stop feeling attacked or a desperate need to justify myself. It’s not healthy at all. 

 

Again, Thank you for the welcome. I wasn’t expecting a response so quick. It’s really appreciated. 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 2:05 PM, Cee_theWriter said:

Again, Thank you for the welcome. I wasn’t expecting a response so quick. It’s really appreciated

 

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Cee_theWriter
17 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Hello,

 

does writing help you understand yourself better? do you have any published works?

Hi 👋🏻 

 

In some ways writing does help. But I never start a project like that. I’m just telling a story; A wounded warrior, a traumatised woman. A character trying to find themselves and connecting with another of a similar story. If a romance emerges it’s usually secondary too the main themes, and the reason I do include love scenes is mostly in part because I recognise a lot of readers are invested in the romance and do see sex as the ultimate expression. But I’m useless at the descriptive erotica, lol, because I don’t derive anything from it. It doesn’t do anything for me. But a love story played out that entangles trust, understanding, connection, closeness, physical acceptance I mean that I can write. That’s where I can say I understand satisfaction. I mean in real life I don’t need it. I’d feel exactly the same way cuddling than procreating lol, if that makes sense? But, as I said, I get the concept of romance in story. It’s important for other readers to “get that” and I do believe sex between partners can be a lovely expression of intimacy and acceptance. Long story short - I don’t consciously put myself into the stories I write but perhaps parts of myself do come out.

 

I’ve a few short stories published. Not romance. I’ve an agent who is shopping my fantasy mythology series out at present to publishers. And I’m currently writing a new fantasy YA - which ironically the main character is ace. And will have a “love interest” but not in the traditional way. I actually explore a lot of identities in this current work. 

 

Thank you for asking btw. My writing career started in fanfiction. I wrote a very popular Lord of the Rings fic. That’s what got me noticed. 

 

 

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knittinghistorian
3 hours ago, Cee_theWriter said:

Another friend laughed over dinner a few years later, “oh honey, you don’t know what’ it’s like to be in a real relationship. With a person who makes you feel like a goddess. You don’t get to take part in this conversation.”

Okay, that is totally not acceptable behavior!!  You weren't wrong, she was wrong for being nasty and dismissive!

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knittinghistorian

I just finished my first novel, and there is no sex or romance anywhere in it.  I wouldn't even know how to approach that!  Of course, I'm also aromantic, which it doesn't sound at the moment as if you are, so romance generally just goes right over my head!

 

In my experience, just the simple knowledge that I'm not defective, that there are other people out there like me, and that there's not something wrong with me, is incredibly helpful.

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Cee_theWriter
1 hour ago, knittinghistorian said:

Okay, that is totally not acceptable behavior!!  You weren't wrong, she was wrong for being nasty and dismissive!

 

1 hour ago, knittinghistorian said:

Okay, that is totally not acceptable behavior!!  You weren't wrong, she was wrong for being nasty and dismissive!

Yes, and Its a big reason why we’re no longer friends. I was constantly belittled for not having sex. Or, for not wanting it.

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Lichley

Welcome!

I’m glad to hear that you ditched them, they sounded like really toxic people. You’re valid and important and those around you should respect that or get out.

The best thing to do is to just do what you feel is right for you, if sex isn’t up your alley then don’t force yourself into it because of expectations. If you want to try writing those out of books then go for it. We’ll support you 100% :D 

chocolate-chocolate+cake.jpg

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Cee_theWriter
5 hours ago, knittinghistorian said:

I just finished my first novel, and there is no sex or romance anywhere in it.  I wouldn't even know how to approach that!  Of course, I'm also aromantic, which it doesn't sound at the moment as if you are, so romance generally just goes right over my head!

 

In my experience, just the simple knowledge that I'm not defective, that there are other people out there like me, and that there's not something wrong with me, is incredibly helpful.

Congrats!!!! On finishing your first novel. In my experience that generally deserves a lot of praise. It’s no easy thing. And, I love all kinds of books. I’ve a huge eclectic library. I don’t mind romance at all. I just don’t equate it to sex or sexuality. Although usually my characters struggle with romance - a lot - which is maybe a little of me coming out in the characters haha.

 

Yes. I think acknowledgement can be empowering. 

 

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iff

Hi cee_thewriter, thanks for sharing. Hopefully you can find a publisher for your fantasy novels

 

While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here).

I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are :)

 

Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful:

Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here

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MichaelTannock

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Most people experience different types of attraction together, so see them as the same thing, which explains your friends' comments.
But an Asexual can still have romantic relationships or write about them.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a The Sorcerer's Stones Cake,

oeg7sletdvag2f8gd6b1.jpg

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Cee_theWriter
On 5/23/2019 at 7:44 AM, iff said:

Hi cee_thewriter, thanks for sharing. Hopefully you can find a publisher for your fantasy novels

 

While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here).

I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are :)

 

Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful:

Welcome to Aven, I hope you like it here

Hi, and thank you so much for the welcome. Yes, I've been slowly making my way through all the details. Slowly getting the hang of it. This info is fantastic. I hope I didn't make any blunders by posting. 

 

i just noticed your location says Ireland. I'm from the North :D. Do you know if there's a physical community or meet ups here?

 

And...thank you about the novel thing. Yip, we've a number of editors considering it at the mo, it's exciting. Not many people say that. You're very kind. I really appreciate that.

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Cee_theWriter
On 5/24/2019 at 1:22 AM, MichaelTannock said:

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Most people experience different types of attraction together, so see them as the same thing, which explains your friends' comments.
But an Asexual can still have romantic relationships or write about them.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a The Sorcerer's Stones Cake,

oeg7sletdvag2f8gd6b1.jpg

A belated reply! I'm slowly trying to learn the forum.

 

Thank you so much for the welcome. Everyone has been so warm. It's really touched me. And the cakes. THESE AWESOME CAKES. 

 

Well, this is what I'm here to fully discover about myself. I know for sure I'm asexual. The more i study the more I'm convinced. I'm maybe not sex-repulsed, but def not sex positive either...probably rather meh..thinking I'm leaning into neutral territory. I do feel that romantic orientation is a dominant factor in my creative side, maybe even a little bit of sensual, but when I say a little - I mean A very tiny amount. It doesn't even factor into my daily life, and i don't feel it toward people, but when it comes to my art and creating, I think there's a level of sensuality there. So maybe there's this hidden side that I've never fully expressed in reality because...well...sexual folk tend to assume that kind of stuff leads to other stuff and I'm really not interested in that other stuff XD  Gosh, that makes me complicated doesn't it? I can see why dating or relationships have been so confusing now. I've a lot to figure out!

 

Anyway thank you so much for providing all those definitions. It's been really helpful for my research these past few days.

 

Cee 

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iff
1 hour ago, Cee_theWriter said:

Hi, and thank you so much for the welcome. Yes, I've been slowly making my way through all the details. Slowly getting the hang of it. This info is fantastic. I hope I didn't make any blunders by posting.

You are very welcome . I've not seen any blunders :)

 

 

1 hour ago, Cee_theWriter said:

 

i just noticed your location says Ireland. I'm from the North :D. Do you know if there's a physical community or meet ups here?

 

I know there is occasssional threads about posdibility of meets in the north but unfortunate ly none have happened to my knowledge.

 

Dublin meets seem to have also gone quiet.

 

1 hour ago, Cee_theWriter said:

 

And...thank you about the novel thing. Yip, we've a number of editors considering it at the mo, it's exciting. Not many people say that. You're very kind. I really appreciate that.

I love books and as a person who has one of the many half written novel, I appreciate anyone who can finish them and get a publisher

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