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Madelaine

Sad ordinary story..

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Telecaster68
20 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I wonder if my most recent ex (and maybe your ex, for that matter) is an aromantic sexual (who had nothing to communicate sexually, essentially) or if he just wasn’t in love with me, specifically, but didn’t recognize that.

It's possible. Comes to roughly the same thing, whichever it is.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's possible. Comes to roughly the same thing, whichever it is.

Agreed.  It came to getting dumped.

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 2:34 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Yep, that's what I meant by the micro-actions thing.

 

I've thought about it as kind of two levels of emotions: the transient, spontaneous, intuitive sort, like laughing at a joke, hugging a friend, reaching out for a lover, that don't work on any rational, conscious level and are very hard to control one way or another; and the deeper seated kind that make you go out to work to support your family, have the difficult conversation, change a nappy - things that have a practical application, not just expressing your emotion. Sounds like you were fine with the latter but couldn't really figure out the former when it came to your wife.

 

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ryn2
Just now, Dreamsexual said:

Probably.  I thought I was doing all the former too.  And I was certainly doing some of it ... but not enough, or not with the right amount of 'feels' behind it.

It’s also possible her expectations were unreasonable (or a combination of the two).

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 2:39 PM, ryn2 said:

It’s also possible her expectations were unreasonable (or a combination of the two).

 

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Telecaster68
13 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I cant imagine any normal man satisfying her

Now I'm curious.

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 2:54 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Now I'm curious.

 

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Dreamsexual said:

She explains it as being due to having no affection from her family, esp her dad, as a child. 

If deep down she doesn’t (or didn't) believe she is lovable, you’re right... no one else would ever be able to do enough to prove her wrong.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Lol.  She explains it as being due to having no affection from her family, esp her dad, as a child.  I think anything less than what is seen in romance films is going to always disappoint her, but it's difficult and probably wrong for me to try and speak for her.  If you're not as affectionate and romantic as the lead in a film, I think you're going to be in trouble :)

I've noticed this combination before, between someone more than usually emotionally needy, and someone with almost no obvious emotional needs, and it certainly applies to my marriage, and because of FOO stuff too. My best guess is that the needy one initially finds the non-needy one incredibly emotionally uncomplicated, and only later realises the lack of complication goes with a kind of lack of emotion, from our needy perspective.

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 3:00 PM, ryn2 said:

If deep down she doesn’t (or didn't) believe she is lovable, you’re right... no one else would ever be able to do enough to prove her wrong.

 

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

If deep down she doesn’t (or didn't) believe she is lovable, you’re right... no one else would ever be able to do enough to prove her wrong.

See previous post, and you're right, in a direct way. But speaking from the needy side of this equation, the best case version of this involves the needy person finding sufficient support from their partner to embolden them to sort their own shit out themselves. 

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 3:01 PM, Telecaster68 said:

My best guess is that the needy one initially finds the non-needy one incredibly emotionally uncomplicated, and only later realises the lack of complication goes with a kind of lack of emotion, from our needy perspective

 

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Madelaine
1 hour ago, Dreamsexual said:

And the same for me.  Two self-loathing people seeking perfection, and instead ending up with each other.  Life is funny.

 

the more i read the more questions i have.. like the main is: how the idea of merrigae had come in your life?! :) you sound like totally lonely wolf who dont need anyone

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 4:56 PM, Madelaine said:

 

the more i read the more questions i have.. like the main is: how the idea of merrigae had come in your life?! :) you sound like totally lonely wolf who dont need anyone

 

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Madelaine
1 minute ago, Dreamsexual said:

I didn't realise she needed something I didn't have, and I didn't realise I was missing something.

So you didnt have  robo-digi-inorganic interest before merrige?

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

See previous post, and you're right, in a direct way. But speaking from the needy side of this equation, the best case version of this involves the needy person finding sufficient support from their partner to embolden them to sort their own shit out themselves. 

Agreed, but - especially if the non-needy partner largely “came that way” without having to actively and consciously develop it - the other partner may lack the skills to identify the issue and/or help make a safe place to address it.

 

E.g., I had a partner many years ago who was endlessly and genuinely puzzled as to why I cared so much what other people thought (about me).  He hadn’t ever had to consciously work on positive self-image, bolstering self-esteem, etc.  He was just naturally (and/or with the help of his parents before he was old enough to recognize it) comfortable with himself.  After several years of therapy I now totally get where he was coming from... but without that an endless string of “well, just don’t let it bother you!” and “but why do you care?” was completely unhelpful.

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 5:01 PM, Madelaine said:

So you didnt have  robo-digi-inorganic interest before merrige?

 

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Dreamsexual

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Madelaine
2 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

How are you doing Madelaine?

 

Is any of this helping you in any way?  

 

It it seems like this thread has become an awful lot of tele, ryn and myself - not so much you. I want you to get what it is you need for you.

Oh thank for asking, i totally ok that thread had gone from my theme - i love to learn things about other people.

 

I think im fine, trying to settle things right - i read your and other stories and im forgeting about mine - so yes of course its helping :) 

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 7:38 PM, Madelaine said:

think im fine, trying to settle things right - i read your and other stories and im forgeting about mine - so yes of course its helpi

I

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Madelaine
5 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I'm glad it is. :). Always feel free to ask questions, ask people to get back on track, start new threads.  Get what you need from your time here on AVEN.

Aven is great place, i never felt that comfortable and calm with sharing my thoughts in any other community real or virtual. 

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