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Madelaine

Sad ordinary story..

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Madelaine

Hello guys! English is not my native language, so please sorry if there will be mistakes.

 

I think got too bogged down with my situation, and i dont know what to do.. and your community seems the one place where i can speak without afraids to be understanded wrong.

 

Im not asexual, i have normal libido, i dont want to have sex very often, like once in a week is fine for me.  As you probably guessed the situation is about my boyfriend. At the begining of our relation ship we had sex, but even then somehow i was feeling he doesnt like it much - i dont know how, just intuition. But with time we spend together (we actually live together from almost from start) sex became a rare situation.

 

In moments i tried to talk about it - he transformed into closed person who dont seem like he want to discuss it. I heard false reasons like: im just tired, i just have too much stuff to do and etc.  

 

Iv never been sexualy denied before, so i start thinking that all the problem is me. Maybe im not that attractive for him? Or i do something wrong? Even things like im ugly... and im still thinking about it.

 

Last night we had talk, where he said that he dont see sex as some cool thing. He doesnt mind against it, but mostly he dont want it. Althought sometimes when we hug he has erection!

 

I supposed maybe he is asexual? He said he doesnt know what is it, but if it means person who dont like sex so much - then probably he is.

 

If he warned me about it from start of our relations this wouldnt be a problem, i can satisfy myself by myself. But because only after 2 yearls of relations he mae his "coming out" i dont know how much i can believe it. I feel broken about it, sometimes i cant get rid of thought: that all the problem is in me. and he just dont want to have sex with me! I started think that im sexualy unttractive and all that stupid things..

 

I cant understand how its possible to have erection when hugs and dont want to have sex? 

 

Maybe he just dont like woman vagine, i heard some ppl find it disgusting... i simply feel lost in this situation :(

 

 

 

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Dreamsexual

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Madelaine
Posted (edited)

Dreamsexual thank You for reply!

The most thin moment, that several years agi under high stress i lost all my sexual desire in previous relationship And i hated all about sex for all 4 years. And my partner was very sad about it,  we broke up (not only because of it, but also by other reasons) and i started to think that i lost my desire forever, and i didnt see much drama in it.

 

And after some time.. i met the man i fall in love with.. and my desire come back that surprised me alot,  but nothing can be that good - he just dont want to have sex with me.

 

And not this is the main problem, if i only could be sure he his asexual it would be fine. but i cant get rid of thought that all the problem is in me, that im not attractive.. and you know how it destroys woman when she isnt sure in herself anymore =/

 

 

Edited by Madelaine
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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 10:56 AM, Madelaine said:

And not this is the main problem, if i only could be sure he his asexual it would be fine. but i cant get rid of thought that all the problem is in me, that im not attractive.. and you know how it destroys woman when she isnt sure in herself anymore =/

 

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Nowhere Girl

Erection is not necessarily a sign of wanting to have sex. It can happen spontaneously in absence of mental components of sexual arousal, just because of pressure and inadvertent rubbing. This happens easily when hugging and so it may explain his erection.

Most asexual men are able to have erections and sometimes get them, due to such physiological reasons or their libido acting up, but they still don't desire sex.

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Yeast

I don't know what I'm talking about but I'll say it anyway.

 

I probably have at best another 20 years of life left but I've never had sex. I may not know what love is but I am familiar with friendship. I don't care if my friend has two heads and is green with orange spots. They're my friend and their appearance doesn't matter. I think love is based on a foundation of friendship. Just a theory. If so, then I doubt your partner finds you unattractive. Please don't blame yourself if the relationship isn't what you think it ought to be. I think men and women express affection differently.  (another theory). I prefer the company of the opposite sex but my attempts at friendship often fail because it seems a lot of women expect sex to be part of a close relationship. Not at first but once she gets to know me she begins to wonder why I never act sexually attracted to her. It's not that I don't like her. In fact I might find her physically unattractive but I don't really care. It's the friendship that matters. What I also think is that sex for women is a sort of communication. Sex for a man is more or less a bodily function that needs to be addressed. A woman expresses affection sexually. A man expresses affection through support, both materially and emotionally. I see the sexes specialized for the jobs they evolved to perform. Women raise children and this takes a lot of intelligence. Men are specialized to go run around in gangs and kill things. We cooperate as a team better than women do but it doesn't take a lot of intelligence to go hit dinner in the head with a big rock and drag it back home to your family. Think of men as just highly modified women. If you consider the mechanical nature of a man then spontaneous erections aren't hard to understand. Our brains don't just exist in our heads. We have another one in the pelvis and it has its own mind. I think women are much more organized.  Once again I speak with no experience but sometimes I think the one outside of a situation has a much better view than somebody inside it. I suppose all I can really say is I wish you the best of luck.  

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oldgeeza

Hi Madelaine, welcome and thank you for sharing your feelings.

 

I was never successful in relationships, at the time, although I knew I never liked sex, I'd never heard of the term asexual, (the internet was unheard of back then), I thought that I was in some way broken, I blamed myself, a bit like you are doing, it wasn't until I was 40 that I discovered the term asexual, now I'm not going to make any excuses in your partners favour, I don't know how old he is or what the culture is like where you are, everywhere is different, but for me, I threw myself into work, working anything up to 10 jobs at any one time, that was my way of avoiding relationships and the issue of sex, my reason for this was due to the fact that when I was young, you were either gay or straight, there was no in between, and being gay was not accepted in society, if you didn't like sex, well, you were deemed to be gay, my fathers side of the family are extremely homophobic, I was never accepted into the family as I was born outside of their country, if I was seen to be different, or as they would have seen it, gay, I dread to think what would happen, I probably wouldn't be here now to share my experiences, but even now, my parents split up and my father went back to his home town and remarried, but if you're not born and bred in that town, if your skin is a different colour, you're not welcome there, that's now, his family may be the same, behind closed doors, things may have been said, he may feel pressured but too ashamed and embarrassed to say, it may be that he has erectile dysfunction, that his erection won't stay when he's about to have sex and he feels inferior but too embarrassed to say anything, he may feel that he'll be humiliated by telling his doctor, there could be any number of reasons, I guess, rather than initiate sex, maybe just sit down, talk it through, tell him how you're feeling, but doon't go blaming yourself, there's probably a genuine reason behind it, it just may be, you have to get him to open up a bit more, I'm in my 50's, there are times when I still find it hard to open up, just don't feel it's your fault, you'll make matters worse, good luck

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Jade Cross

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Glenninindy
Posted (edited)

Did you Tell him the truth? Did you Say to him,, listen to me, I love you, but I am feeling like I am not good enough for you because you do not make love to me, and when you do, I can feel you are not really into doing it. I feel very sad about this. I really need to be fulfilled as a woman sexually by you. This is not good for me to feel this way, but I need to express my feelings. 

 

Listen, you do not know me, but I have been loved by quite a few  very remarkable and beautiful women in my life. who felt like you, Even though they were very intelligent and beautiful, I could not help it. I still loved them very, very, much, I was devastated when they finally left me, but they really needed  express love in a sexual way. 

 

So this may have nothing to do with you not being good enough, because he may do this to everyone after awhile. This is his issue and not yours. Maybe he is like some people who cannot get turned-on until they meet someone new they are attracted to, and then, once again, gradually lose interest.

 

Even though you are not doing sex, he should  still be making you feel good about yourself, and being loving to you in other ways, You also may have a problem with low self-esteem and depression from before you knew him.

 

In conclusion,  I hope, in time, that you will both work it out, or you meet someone  who will gladly offer you the mental and physical closeness that you need to feel better about yourself.

Edited by Glenninindy
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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, Yeast said:

sex for women is a sort of communication. Sex for a man is more or less a bodily function that needs to be addressed.

Speaking as a sexual who's had a number of sexual relationships, I can say it's generally both of those things for both men and women. The exact proportions vary from person to person, relationship to relationship, and even sexual episode to sexual episode.

 

2 hours ago, Yeast said:

I doubt your partner finds you unattractive.

Assuming he's asexual, he doesn't feel sexual attraction, so by definition, his partner is sexually unattractive to him. Aesthetically and romantically attracted doesn't really cut it without sexual attraction in a relationship, for sexuals.

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Madelaine
Posted (edited)

Yeast - thank You for sharing your thoughts, i have a good feelings about it.

 

Oldgeeza - i feel sad about your story, but i feel happy that you find yourself, and your path and trust me i know how much it means to realize that you are not alone with such state of mind. I had obsessive compulsive disoder at school and i thought that im crazy  or i need exorcist (its that stupid stuff when somehow you think that if you wont do something that something bad (to you or ppl you love) is going to happen, and the worst thing was that often these thoughts seemed like i wanted it! It was like : oh lets you die or let something bad happen to you/ I couldnt tell it anyone, it was real nightmare... and after years i got to know about OCD thanks to internet! So i understand You very well, and im sure we are all looking for our own paths and all we do is trying to get back to ourselves, to our real selves without all world patters that we are used to learn. Its never an easy way. So all i can thank you for your sincere feedback and wish you a harmony!

p.s

btw you are right about some erection problems, he warned me that it happened sometimes with him in past before we had sex. But this never was a problem for me. 

 

JadeCross -  Thanks for your responce!  "Youre attractive" and "I want to have sex with you because youre attractive" is just not there. Also, the lack of sexual desire doesnt take away any feelings for others. (c) ! Indeed thats the point! Somehow sexual desire for sexuals is one of the important markers of love... inside i feel its wrong, its just a society pattern and nothing more. but outside.. its not easy to change point of view, especially if for me to love someone means a wish to have sexual contact with him as some act of unity. p.s about language well lets say its some slavic lang group.

 

Glenninindy -  yes i tried to have close talk! Without blaming and stuff, just sincere talk...and i always heard avoidance of direct talk. He is very closed man... and it took 2 years for him to finaly admit that he doesnt like sex so much. He rarely wants it. He also said that when he was a teen he wasnt very interested in sex, only curiusity and when he tried it - he wasnt impressed, he doesnt understand why sex is so highly estimated as high pleasure. But before it i heard things like: i want you all ok but im tired, or like i have a lot of work (he works at home) and etc. And just because he wasnt opened at start i dont know can i believe him or not. Sometimes i think, can he be real and opened to himself? Looks like he just removes everything that brings any discomfort from his space without trying to work it iut, and instead he fills all his space with work.

 

Even now when he *opened up*. , he is still avoiding to keep talk about it. I would like to see/hear how does he see the world. id like he share me his feelings and if he really asexual id like he show me all the difference, explain his feelings and etc, but he just dont like to talk sincere, he prefers to be closed by work/games/having fun.

Once he said that his father tald him "man has to be strong", and seems like for him it also means man dont need sincere talk. man dont need open up, man isnt able to show his weakness and etc... 

 

 

p.s

btw if it does mean anything we are both about 30 years old

 

Thanks all your replys guys,  its very interesting to read your point of views,  you alll have beautyfull way of thinking. 

 

 

 

Edited by Madelaine
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MichaelTannock

@Madelaine Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I can't speak from experience, but it sounds like he could be Asexual, based on similar stories.

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning if what they're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person they're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a The Voice of the Sea speaks to the Soul Cake,

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ryn2
10 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Assuming he's asexual, he doesn't feel sexual attraction, so by definition, his partner is sexually unattractive to him.

One subtle thing here that could matter from a self-esteem perspective:  it’s not that his partner is sexually unattractive, just not sexually attractive.  There’s a difference between finding something unattractive - the best case there is “a little worse than neutral” - and just not being attracted to it (neutral, no response, no opinion).

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

One subtle thing here that could matter from a self-esteem perspective:  it’s not that his partner is sexually unattractive, just not sexually attractive.

I don't think that would make much difference to sexuals, in practice. 

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 8:13 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I don't think that would make much difference to sexuals, in practice. 

 

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Telecaster68
23 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Indeed.  My wife wanted to be adored, not seen like just another thing.

I know that feeling - realising you're just seen as just another thing, or at best, just another human - to your partner. It's absolutely horrible.

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Telecaster68

@Dreamsexual

 

Out of curiosity, and not as a loaded question: assuming you've been been on the other end of that equation, why do you choose to get into a relationship with someone who's essentially just another randomish person?

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 9:21 AM, Telecaster68 said:

@Dreamsexual

 

Out of curiosity, and not as a loaded question: assuming you've been been on the other end of that equation, why do you choose to get into a relationship with someone who's essentially just another randomish person?

 

 

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Telecaster68

So in essence, you would've been happy enough to be friends, but were happy enough to go along with it when she wanted more, until you weren't?

 

When you say toxicity of your marriage, do you mean the dynamics of the relationship were toxic though individually neither you nor your wife were? Or one or both of you was behaving toxically?

 

(All these elements are sounding familiar btw, though the way they mixed together was a bit different in my case)

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 9:33 AM, Telecaster68 said:

So in essence, you would've been happy enough to be friends, but were happy enough to go along with it when she wanted more, until you weren't?

 

 

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Telecaster68

When you say  you wanted love and sex, do you mean you thought you wanted it (and to that extent, as you say, did want it)?

 

It's horrible your wife was toxic towards you - from what you said, it sounds like she started off completely the reverse of that. 

 

 

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Madelaine
2 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

No. 

 

At the time I wanted love and sex and all that 'normal' stuff.  I didn't know that I wasn't wired for it.  And it was my wife's behaviour that finally broke what was left of my normal heterosexuality.  Up to that point my interactions with women largely involved being shouted at, laughed at, spat upon, bullied, criticised etc - I guess it was easy for me mistake any sort of affection for something akin to sexual/ romantic desire.

 

We were terrible to each other.  Especially my wife towards me.  Suicide was on the cards many times.  I also became somewhat alcoholic because of the mistreatment.  I'm over both now.

 

 

all i read here is really terrible. such a gentle situation requies  tender and delicate relation from woman! and also from man...i still tell my man that he is the one i want and he is the best.. and its actually true.im sexual but i can accept all my partner sexual moments because of love (like periodic erection problems.  it doesnt mean anything to me) i only cant acept if my partner dont see me as attractive and dont love me. How are you doing now, i mean your mental condition?!

 

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 9:41 AM, Telecaster68 said:

you wanted love and sex, do you mean you thought you wanted it

 

 

On 23 May 2019 at 9:44 AM, Madelaine said:

i mean your mental condition?!

 

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Madelaine
1 minute ago, Dreamsexual said:

I thought sex with my wife was going to be like that.  It wasn't.  It was terrible.

Sorry if im asking too much, i only want to see situation by your eyes, and better understand asexual state of mind because of my situation. what exacly seemed terrible to you in real sex?

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Dreamsexual said:

I wanted sex with the fantasy women in my head.

I guess that goes back to the 'just another human' thing - you wanted, specifically, sex, rather than being drawn to sex with her. I think most inexperienced males are like that to an extent, and when we get in a decent relationship, it slowly dawns on us that actually, sex is part of wanting to be close to that person, and rando sex is generally pretty rubbish compared to that as it lacks the emotional stuff.

 

3 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

that's the thing I couldn't fake that well enough for her, though I could provide her with everything else

Faking it - even if it's possible, which I don't think it is, long term - is terrible for both partners. It's exhausting for the faker, and a fraud on the fakee.

 

 

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 9:50 AM, Madelaine said:

what exacly seemed terrible to you in real sex?

 

On 23 May 2019 at 9:53 AM, Telecaster68 said:

guess that goes back to the 'just another human' thing - you wanted, specifically, sex, rather than being drawn to sex with her

 

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Dreamsexual said:

I can do exhaustion.

The great respect, you clearly couldn't, hence the near-alcoholism and toxic behaviour. It speaks well of you that you tried, but it's more than anyone can expect of anyone else, and it's not sustainable.

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Dreamsexual
On 23 May 2019 at 10:04 AM, Telecaster68 said:

The great respect, you clearly couldn't, hence the near-alcoholism and toxic behaviour. It speaks well of you that you tried, but it's more than anyone can expect of anyone else, and it's not sustainable.

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Telecaster68

Fair enough.

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Madelaine
5 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Her naked body I didn't find that pretty, it didn't look right.

So does it mean if she would have like "model body 90*60*90" it would  work well for you? 

 

Or  female body aesthetic is not attractive for you at all?  there  are some deep reasons for such perception, and these reasons are never on the surface.. these reasons can even take their roots from the process of your birth. Im not psychologist ofcourse, but i only can suppose because i had read about C.G Jung works.  The reasons (not only of asexuality but of almost all things) are laying in subconscious

 

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