Dating and Friends

[BeeDono]

I'm just very confused on the whole dating thing. I've had relationships in the past but always ended them cause I realised I didn't feel the same way my partners did. What's the difference between SO and a close friend?

[AspieAlly613]

It depends on whom you ask.  I distinguish between them by saying that a romantic partner is someone you share your life with.  Other people feel differently.  One important consideration is to make sure you and your partner have compatible visions of what you each want from the romance.

[chairdesklamp]

Yeah, I distinguish also by "mega-best-friend you build your life with."  My idea of a date that doesn't feel forced is "same thing I would do with any good friend, except we hold hands and call it a date." I know I desperately want that, and believe I'll never get that, but I'm not sure if my definition lines up with the common one or not. 

[AspieAlly613]

Good luck with that.

[nineGardens]

So, my new favourite thing to reference:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel_theory_of_love

 

Color theory of love basically describes three main types of relationship. Eros("True love", passionate, etc), Ludus (sort of gamey, playful, potentially manipulative) and Storge(Familial love, based on shared history, trust, etc... at least as far as my reading of it goes)

 

I would say, for a person who's interactions are weighted heavily towards Storge, where trust etc is the main feature, telling the difference between SO and friendship is sometimes blurry. I suspect this is where most Demisexual/romantic people fall.

 

A few things which are different between SO and other things (many that I have seen, some that I have felt, all of which vary by relationship):

 

Friendship interactions; often set up to be relaxing, let you unwind, deliberately "safe" in a sense.

  Romantic/relationship (especially Ludus) - more about pushing boundaries- each person deliberatly trying to put the other person a little outside their comfort zone (be it watching horror movies, going to dancing when they don't usually, sex, drugs, rock n' roll, bank robbery, rock climbing, etc etc etc).

In turn both parties WANT to be taken outside their comfort zone, the feeling of "That was crazy" and "I would NEVER do that on a normal day."

 There is this idea of showing off, of both sides WANTING to show of, of enjoying having someone to show off too.

 

Elevated desire for physical contact. Teasing at one another (both verbal and physical).

 

 

Fantasizing about the future. The sensation of there BEING a future. Not just "Oh yeah, I expect me and Alex will still be pals in a few years", but in the sense of "This is part of the story. This future is meant to happen" (I suspect this reaction is more classified under Eros).

Best example of this I know of:

"Oh love, could you and I with Fate Conspire,

To take ahold of this sorry scheme of things entire,

To sunder it to bits, and then,

remake it closer to the hearts desire"

 

Sudden extreme levels of trust. Including such things as "If me and X disagree, I am willing to assume they are correct, because I trust them to understand the world, and to have my best interests at heart".

 

A complete lack of diplomacy; in the sense of "I can say whatever I want/need to, and trust this person, so it will work out". This Is an incredibly relaxing feeling. It can also lead (quickly) to all sorts of arguments. Of course... if that trust is built on something those arguments can usually be resolved. Eventually. ...

 

Sex. (Yes, not what you are asking about, but kind of an obvious one to put on the list).

 

Increased desire to show off/spend money/dress up nice.

 

A sensation that this other persons opinion MATTERS.

In some sense we trust an SO more than friends, but in another sense, we trust friends will still be our friends if we make mistakes.

SO can have the contradictory feeling of trusting them lots, and feeling accepted... but also NEEDING to prove yourself to them- after all you don't just want to be a cool person, you need them to believe that you are the most cool person worth spending the rest of life with (or maybe not, depends on your goals).

Hence, Romantic relationships can get tangled up with all sorts of fear/manipulation WAY faster than friendships.

 

 

Something else (at least for me).

My memory is kinda poor.

I spent 3 months dating a girl, and have a bunch of that stuff pretty firmly etched into memory, unlike say... the 3 years of hanging out with friends before hand.

Many of the memories are super sweet. But... well I'm not dating her any more, so that sweetness is nothing if not also a little bitter. 😕 ... wouldn't give those memories up though. Is just a thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Asexual Relationships'.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[NickyTannock]

A belated welcome to AVEN!
 
Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you, as I am also confused about the difference.
 
Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Honey Bee Cake,

[BeeDono]

Thanks nineGardens! I think that helped? At least it made more sense then how some other people describe it! And thanks MichaelTannock! I love cakes and Bees!

[aquariusabandoned]

Well it was equally confusing for me too. I ended up with a toxic person who kinda made me “think” I had attraction that I didn’t have towards them. So I realized lately I’m more into emotional closeness.

[AspieAlly613]

11 minutes ago, aquariusabandoned said:

Well it was equally confusing for me too. I ended up with a toxic person who kinda made me “think” I had attraction that I didn’t have towards them. So I realized lately I’m more into emotional closeness.

BLAAAAHHH!!!! The whole "manipulate the target until xe thinks xe loves you" trash.

 

It must have hurt so much to realize you were wrong about xem.  Glad you broke out from under xyr spell.

[shyramary]

to me an SO is someone you are willing to have sex with as opposed to a friend is just someone you hang with but would never allow romance. 

[AspieAlly613]

1 hour ago, shyramary said:

to me an SO is someone you are willing to have sex with as opposed to a friend is just someone you hang with but would never allow romance. 

But lots of asexuals have SO's but would never have sex with them.

[shyramary]

10 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

But lots of asexuals have SO's but would never have sex with them.

hard for me to understand how they are significant if treated same as all associations 

[AspieAlly613]

Some people can't form romantic bonds without sexual attraction, others can, and neither of them are wrong.  It's hard to put feelings into words, but I'll try.

 

Sometimes it's about just feeling much happier when xe's around and talking every day.  Sometimes it's about feeling so close that if something were bothering you, it would feel wrong not to tell xem.  Sometimes it's about saying "your problems are my problems."  

[shyramary]

I suspect this is only possible if both SO's are asexual. my SO would definitely bail without sex at least twice a week. He was very clear about his expectations. 

[AspieAlly613]

Yeah, a lot of mixed, ace/allo relationships struggle with that.  But no two romances are exactly identical.  

[Guest]

On 5/24/2019 at 3:55 AM, shyramary said:

hard for me to understand how they are significant if treated same as all associations 

Sex isnt the only thing that distinguishes the two. 

 

Kissing most wouldnt do with friends. Lots wouldnt cuddle, live with, share a bed with etc friends. You dont typically plan a life together with a friend. You dont get pets together and all that. 

 

Sure some have more life partnery things with friends, but its more rare. But relationships are so much more than sex. And I say that as someone who isnt ace.