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Is it me or him. In denial?


Antsy

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HI. I think my partner may be asexual or demisexual but, if so, is definitely in denial about it.

We have been in a relationship for nearly two years and we are both late 50s. (This is my 2nd time around after a long term conventional marriage with children broke down).

I've spent a lot of time trying to understand my partner's quirks & concluded he is most likely on the high functioning spectrum and/or has ADHD. In the process, I have also recognized some strong traits in myself which is confronting when you spent your whole life thinking you were 'normal'!

 

He does not seem interested in me sexually and the few attempts early in the relationship were weird to me - robotic, eyes closed, no foreplay and aborted before the ending. (I am trying not to be too inappropriate here). I could honestly put the sexiest underwear on and he would notice but not be excited by it. Early in the relationship, he said 'do you want to have a shower together, because that's what couples do' and there was nothing but showering happening! I could give more examples but they may be too graphic.

 

It is an extremely touchy subject to someone who otherwise is brutally honest and he subtly turns the issue around to be my fault - not thin or toned enough, post menopause etc. or there are lots of excuses like too tired, too stressed etc. I accept it could be as simple as not attracted to me (after all I am no spring chicken anymore) or dysfunction issues but I sense there is more at play.

He literally shows no interest in me below the neck although will comment on aesthetic things like 'you look so pretty' or 'I like your bum'. He is very cuddly, kissable and holds hands a lot. If the subject is raised, he will make an attempt at foreplay but I can tell he is not 'into' it and is doing it out of obligation. He pretends sometimes that he wants sex but it is more about a normal bodily function than being turned on by my presence.

He hates romantic movies. He told me he is more attracted to someone's intellect and loves someone the more he gets to know them.

He will continually comment on other women and how hot they look but I don't feel threatened because I know he is all talk, no action.

 

I don't know if a woman has to look absolutely perfect for him to want to have sex, which is his issue, not mine or it is just about the fact we are both older....

I almost feel like he has got away with masking all his life and now I have found him out! I am not sure. I am not even sure he realises he is different in that way because to him it is normal.

 

It is actually OK with me at this stage of my life because my libido died somewhat with menopause however, it is a bit like the elephant in the room sometimes.

I know he has had lots of partners throughout his life but only a few lasting a few years and the odd comment that has slipped out has me believing the past women felt unloved because he did not want sex as much as them.

I have gone so far to suggest he might be asexual or demisexual and sent him info on it but he says little in response and thinks I am just overthinking and being dramatic or it turns into an argument.

It is not a deal breaker but would have been had we been younger I think.

 

Does this sound like demisexuality or asexuality?

Do some find it confronting to know this about themselves and would rather pretend they are normal and turn blame onto their partners.

Is he in denial?

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Welcome to AVEN, Antsy!

 

One of the things that we're not supposed to do on AVEN is not tell members what they are, and definitely not tell members what their partners are.  You are the only person who can rationally determine who you are, and in this case, we're not even in contact with your partner.   It sounds like he really doesn't want to discuss it, so probably continuing to try to get him to do so will only irritate him.  Perhaps he feels uncomfortable because  his lack of obvious desire for sex is something that worries him, or perhaps he does not want to think about it, and can only do as much with you as he is able.  In any case, that seems to be his limit, and pushing him any further won't get a good reaction.

 

From what you've said, his lack of desire for sex doesn't seem to bother you much, because you're much less interested in sex than you were before menopause (which isn't unusual, because of the diminution of hormonal activity).  Is it that you are simply curious about him?  Or do you want him to somehow confess what he doesn't feel?   

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If I'm honest, he sounds similar to how I was back in my teens, when I had a few short term relationships, I never initiated sex, truthfully, I tried hard to avoid it, to this day, I can see aesthetic attraction but I see more in an interesting personality as opposed to looks, I'd never heard of the term asexual until I reached my 40's, I just thought I was abnormal, I was too frightened to discuss it, I threw myself into work having anything between 7 and 10 jobs at any one time, it was my way of avoiding the subject of sex and erectile dysfunction which had set in by the time I was 19, (neither of which were understandable to me, I just put it down to my being abnormal, broken), back then, to be anything other than heterosexual was seen as abnormal, you were straight or gay, that was it, if you were gay you were open to abuse, I know, because I was, shall we say, different because I didn't want sex, I was often on the end of verbal and physical abuse not only from peers, but my own family, it's really only in the last few years I've opened up more about it, I'm also in my 50's, admittedly, I gave up on trying to have a relationship many years ago, they never lasted long, in fact, my longest relationship was the last one lasting all of 28 days. I say until recently, less than 10 years, I still found it odd, embarrassing to admit to others that I didn't feel the need or get the urges to have sex, I'm not repulsed by sex, it's a fact of life, 99% of the adult population have sex at some stage in life, I tried it, I didn't like it, but back when I was young, you didn't dare say that, you were seen as gay, that was a big no no, and, for a lot of people, I guess that stigma still carries on, I haven't seen or spoken to my father in over 30 years now, that was his choice, but he had a thing about gay people, he always accused me of being gay, and, where he's from, even now, gays are an unaccepted part of society, to have a gay person in the family, it has to be kept quiet, it's just not accepted, they don't even accept outsiders there, it's a step back in time to go there, if I said to my father, or any member of his family that I don't like sex, I can guarantee the reply would be along the lines of my being "gay" because that's the automatic assumption, even now, well at least over here in the UK, I would say that there are more people that don't know of the term asexual than know of it and what it means, being honest, I would say more people from other parts of the world are more understanding of asexuality and what it means than British people, most Brits didn't have a clue what I meant when I said that I'm asexual. Even now, I have friends of my age that are still to scared to admit they are gay for fear of being rejected by their own families and friends, (a lot of people confide in me), it could be that your partner has similar experiences, he may well know but be embarrassed or ashamed of what nature has dealt him, we all handle situations in different ways, had I known about asexuality back in my teens when my father was still around, in all honesty, I'd have been petrified to have said anything, I still recall the days of "queerbashing" when gangs would literally look for gay people and kick the sh*t out of them for being gay, something that was a regular part of life into the 1990's, that fear still lives in many peoples lives, sadly, in our generation, and the early part of the next generation, that was an acceptable part of life to not accept people who expressed a different way of living. I guess, if you can live without the sex in your life and the rest of it works well, I would just live with your relationship as is, as you can tell, I'm no expert on relationships, but if you're happy with everything else in your relationship, you have to do what you feel is right for you, whichever way it goes, I hope it all works out for you, good luck

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In some ways, I feel for him, because it's clear he has some kind of hang-up with sex and has had to shove it down and pretend it doesn't exist because "men aren't supposed to feel X way." Society can be really hard on men if they're not some macho heterosexual guy. He sounds like he's got a lot of issues to unpack. 

 

Unfortunately, he's just not handling it well. Making it about you (you should be thinner, post menopause, etc.) is absolutely not okay. He's shifting blame because he doesn't want to confront whatever these feelings are. 

 

I really think that therapy would be mandatory for me here, if the relationship were to continue. I know it can be hard to date later in life, but I would be very worried that one day he might just discover that he was gay, or otherwise incapable of maintaining the relationship, and some good years would have been wasted. 

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Thanks for the responses.

Sally, I think I need to know if it is me or him.

I came out of a relationship where my husband clearly wanted other women over me so the self confidence is low.

 

If he is in fact demisexual and it is not just me that doesn't 'turn him on' then I can accept that.

 

But if he finds a different 'type' does turn him on, then I have to question whether our relationship is the full package and whether we should be together - am I just going to get hurt again when someone he is actually sexually attracted to comes along.

As a supposedly neurotypical woman, I like to think my partner is sexually attracted to me. If it is innate in him not to be overly attracted to any woman then it is not a deal breaker and I can accept that is who he is. But if it is me he is not attracted to, then that is a different story.

I mean, if you love someone and you are heterosexual, then you would surely show some interest in the female bits that sit below the neck without being prompted?

He says he finds sex boring and I can see he separates love and sex - maybe many men do.

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13 hours ago, Antsy said:

I think I need to know if it is me or him.

Beyond discussing it with him (with the help of a therapist) and opting to trust his response, there unfortunately isn’t any way to know.

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  • 3 months later...

Might need to consider separating, sounds like communication is not working well between the two of you.

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