Am I Demisexual?

[arnell]

Hello there. I am new here.

 

A couple of years ago a friend of mine told me he was demisexual, and when he explained what it was I could relate to a lot of things he was describing. At the time I was in a relationship (with someone else) and I just thought that a lot of things had to do with my relationship. After about 6 years, we broke up (in a very peaceful and friendly way, so no worries) but a lot of the issues were my lack of sexual attraction. Now I am dating someone and all this questions are coming back to me, so here I am, trying to find someone that can help me figure this out.

 

I was never the kind of person to sleep around. if I got involved with someone sexually it was always because I felt emotionally and intellectually connected to them. I never felt a physical attraction first, and honestly, I am now questioning if I ever felt physical attraction at all. I read a bit around this forum, and there is a lot of talk about sexual attraction. Is sexual attraction always physical? I can look at someone and find them hot, but I wouldn't necessarily want or fantasize about having sex with them. And I would never describe any of my previous partners as "hot". They are just people that I connected with and that I find interesting.  The problem is, in previous relationships, over time, I feel less and less like having sex, until my partners get too frustrated with me and it just doesn't work anymore. I don't know if the relationship deteriorates over time and I feel less attracted to them because I need that connection, or if it is just the typical cliche of long relationships. And at that point I get frustrated too, because it is not like I don't want to have sex, I am just not attracted to them, or anybody else for that matter. And I feel guilty for not feeling visually aroused by them. There is always something missing. I am afraid this will always be a problem and that I will never be able to sustain a relationship where both me and my partner are sexually happy.

 

The person I am dating at the moment is incredibly supportive in this matters, but I still feel guilty for not being visually attracted by him. Emotionally and intellectually yes. Which makes me want to have sex with him. And we have lots of fun. But does that mean then that I am sexually attracted to him? I am afraid it will become a problem again. So I am trying to understand how my sexuality works so hopefully I can accept it and live my life accordingly. I feel like this fears are also preventing me to fully enjoy it. I have trouble climaxing, even when masturbating, no matter how aroused I am. I am not sure if this is related, but I feel like figuring this things out might help.

 

I hope at least some of this makes sense. I am quite confused so writing is a bit messy. I am sorry.

 

I know nobody can give me an answer, but any input would be welcome.

Thank you

[boxed toast]

It sounds to me like you could easily be demisexual or asexual. Sexual attraction is usually physical. It usually leads to a desire to have sex with the person, so if you're not experiencing that then you might be ace. Welcome to the club and enjoy the cake!

[arnell]

8 hours ago, zoenb said:

It sounds to me like you could easily be demisexual or asexual. Sexual attraction is usually physical. It usually leads to a desire to have sex with the person, so if you're not experiencing that then you might be ace. Welcome to the club and enjoy the cake!

I mean, I think I still feel that I do get sexual attraction, but it is usually that attraction is not connected to physical qualities of the person that I am attracted to.. It still makes me want to have sex with him and enjoy it. That is still sexual attraction right?

 

Also, thank you for your answer and the cake

[NickyTannock]

@arnell Welcome to AVEN!

 

I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Treehouse Cake,