Need a bit of advice...

[dcolby92]

I am...thinking I am asexual. In high school I came out as bi, as time went on I was sure I was gay. And as the years have gone on, recently with my current boyfriend(both of us are male) we've had a quite a few sexual differences, I always figured I had just had a low libido maybe, and I'd had almost nonexistent experience to begin with. 

 

Time had gone on and as our relationship went on I had been open about my "low libido" and hes been very kind and open and has been patient. But lately he has been sexually frustrated, and I've began to research asexuality and I genuinely do think I am. I've always been romantically attracted to him since we've been together, and I've always had that "aesthetically pleasing" feeling about him. I know I love him as well, more than anything, and I know he loves me. And I've been looking back on what little experience I've had, and have noticed the pattern of me really just not being into it, despite knowing theyre attractive people.

 

But...my asexuality has been putting a strain on it. I recently told him I think I am, and hes been open about it, but both of us do have fears about what it would mean. I've felt like I need to do more somehow to make him happy. Im not against..doing things, but some things I really just dont have much interest in, or itd be difficult to do in my situation. He definitely needs some level of sexual needs being met, but I'm unsure of what to do. With how little experience I have to begin with i'm not really sure where to even start or what to do. I want to make him happy more than anything, and both of us want to make it work, but me coming to terms with me being asexual now make it a bit hard. 

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what should I do on my part to try and make this work? We have no immediate fear of...breaking up. But it is..something that we both think could happen one day and neither of us want that,

 

 

[BeakLove]

Have you actually had any kind of sex? With your boyfriend or anyone?

[dcolby92]

We have tried it a bit, and ive done a few different things with him. And some things I'm open to doing for him, but none of it does anything sexually for me. Sexual acts never have. But I've always greatly enjoyed the more sensual things, like foreplay like cuddling, kissing, etc. Im not against being physical, but I dont enjoy things sexually.

[BeakLove]

3 minutes ago, dcolby92 said:

We have tried it a bit, and ive done a few different things with him. And some things I'm open to doing for him, but none of it does anything sexually for me. Sexual acts never have. But I've always greatly enjoyed the more sensual things, like foreplay like cuddling, kissing, etc. Im not against being physical, but I dont enjoy things sexually.

Do you enjoy masturbating? 

[dcolby92]

I do yes. But it feels more like a need to get something done rather than a pleasureable thing.

[BeakLove]

So when you're doing stuff with your boyfriend, what's the difference, in your view? After all you say you he is attractive and  that you love him, you love the physical contact like cuddling and even foreplay, but the literal sex bit doesn't work for you. Why do you feel the other intimate touches work but sex doesn't? I also wonder how you ended up in this relationship: how did it start, who proposed it? What attracted you to each other?

 

Perhaps in the mix there, lies the answer.

[dcolby92]

For most of those things, he feels more of a sexual side to them. When I do these things, its more of an emotional thing. I don't really get aroused for sexual stuff, but I still enjoy the foreplay and stuff as more of mental/emotional satisfaction. And Its more of an aesthetic thing of being attracted to him. We had found each other on Tinder to be honest (I live in a rural town, he lived about 30-40 minutes away in a way more populated town.) Id go and visit him via the bus and as of now we actually live together. We've been together for a little over a year. Our personalities attracted to each other, and from the start I had even said I was really into sex for awhile (before I knew what I was) and he was completely open to doing whatever I was comfortable with, and even said hed wait as long as needed. We connected on an immediate emotional level first. 

[BeakLove]

11 hours ago, dcolby92 said:

Our personalities attracted to each other, and from the start I had even said I was really into sex for awhile (before I knew what I was) and he was completely open to doing whatever I was comfortable with, and even said hed wait as long as needed. We connected on an immediate emotional level first. 

Did you mean to say you weren't really into sex? If it's as typed then it's pretty obvious that your boyfriend had (a reasonable) expectation of a sexual relationship and it's likely that the time it's taken without that expectation being met has worn away his patience. My understanding upon re-reading is that you have done the "sensual" stuff and you enjoy that because you get an emotional/closeness response from it: cuddling/kissing doesn't necessarily have to be sexually arousing. But he wants that direct sexual dimension too. Not to be crass about this but maybe you could just try it once and see how it goes: let it go "beyond" the foreplay element and see if you and he enjoy it. Wank each other off or something and see if you get something from his pleasure, even if it's not doing too much for you. If it really doesn't work for you or you feel terrifically uncomfortable you can always stop: he sounds like someone you can trust if you withdraw consent. But my honest opinion is that if he is frustrated and feeling rejected it's probably only going to get more-so. Sexual rejection can hurt far more than someone lets on. And that rejection is not really dampened just by knowing that someone is a "certain way". At the end of the day, whether you're rejecting him because you're asexual, or because you're just not into him: it's still rejection.