questioning my romantic orientation

[Julia S]

Hello! I am a 15 year old female, and I have recently discovered that I am asexual and come to terms with it. But after learning the term “aromantic,” I’ve been questioning my romantic orientation and wondering whether it is somewhere on the aromantic spectrum because I’ve always felt like my original romantic orientation didn’t fit me. (I previously identified as heteroromantic.)

 

Some background information about myself:

- I have had a total of two “crushes” in my life (I say “crushes” because one turned out to be a squish mistaken for a crush and the other I am wondering if it is a squish or a crush at all).

- My platonic relationships are very important to me. I have a few friends that I am very close with and they have always been enough for me.

- I don’t hate the idea of a romantic relationship. I don’t see myself actively looking for one in my future, but I’m not opposed to it.

- I think I have trouble telling the difference between a platonic attraction and a romantic one (see bullet one).

 

More information that may help:

 

Upon learning the term “aromantic,” I’ve realized that I’ve never actually strongly wanted a romantic relationship, and I’m wondering whether I’ve just convinced myself that that is the one goal in life, and set that as my priority, so that could be creating these mixed feelings.

 

Looking back on the past “crushes” I’ve had (they are few in number), I realize that I really don’t know what romantic attraction specifically feels like, and this leaves me very confused. I currently have a “crush” right now, but looking back on it, I’m wondering if it is just a strong squish as well, but I have thought of kissing and holding hands with this person in question only once, and while it felt fine in the moment, I look back on that thought with slight disgust.

 

A lot of my friends have talked about crushes and people they liked in front of me, so I am also wondering whether I actually like this person or not, or just forced myself to create feelings for them in order to fit in. I also shared a desk with the crush in question in one of my classes at the beginning of the school year, and we talked a lot and grew close, but not so much that we were friends (if that information helps any).

 

At the moment, I am very confused because I know I am not fully heteroromantic (or alloromantic—I’m not 100% sure of the terminology) but I’m not fully aromantic, either. I would appreciate any help or insight anyone can give me. Thank you so much!

[AcornCarvings]

Hi and welcome 

 

I don't think I can help you very much to figure out what your orientation is, though it does sound like you are somewhere under the aro/ace umbrella. There's a lot of room in there between alloromantic and aromantic that you could fall under. 

 

I just wanted to say that you are not alone in questioning and this stuff can take a while sometimes  . Personally, I have never been able to fully pin down an orientation label that feels "right" for me or fully works. I have a lot of trouble understanding the differences between platonic/sexual/romantic/etc and that has made IDing myself pretty tricky, along with a bunch of other factors that make me question my sexuality.

In the end for me I don't really have to identify myself in most situations. I use the label ace, and I am pretty comfortable with it (but i still question now and then), and I know that sex in most of its forms is not at all on my priority list (and a lot of it I am really uncomfortable with). As for romantic orientation, I really have no idea. I've experimented with the terms aro, wtfromantic, panromantic, and a handful of others, but I'm not really in a rush to figure it out too fast. 

 

Try to figure out the difference between what feelings you are having, and what feelings you are expecting yourself to have. And with your experiences with all this, I'd look around and see what terms there are out there in the grayromantic area of the spectrum, and if any of them feel good or comfortable to you then go ahead and use them. How you ID yourself now doesn't have to be the same as how you ID yourself in the future, there's always room for change and questioning later on. 

[The Cake is Not a Lie]

I'm in basically the same situation same age too. My past crushes were all just squishes and I can't tell if my feelings towards one of my friend is a squish or a crush. I can't imagine being in a romantic relationship with them. Although that's maybe because their in a  different state? My feelings towards them are different than my other close friend and stronger, and I can imagine being in a QPR with them.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

The terms that’re preferred are “non-aromantic” or “romantic.” Aromanticism isn’t a spectrum because an aromantic is a person who doesn’t experience romantic attraction. This means that you’re either romantic or aromantic but you could be on the gray side of romantic. To touch on other stuff:

9 hours ago, Julia S said:

kissing and holding hands

This is a part of sensual attraction rather than the core of of romantic attraction

 

9 hours ago, Julia S said:

I am wondering if it is a squish or a crush at all

The difference between the two:

Crush- An infatuation or obsession for someone. Wanting to be near them and experience them

Squish- The same thing as a crush but without romantic attraction

[Romantic attraction- A desire towards someone to have a romantic relationship with them]

9 hours ago, Julia S said:

difference between a platonic attraction and a romantic one

Platonic attraction is a desire towards someone to know them better emotionally. It’s like, you want to be a part of that person’s life in some way but not necessarily date them and go as far as having them as a romantic partner

 

In the end, I don’t know if you’re aromantic or not. I’ll just ask you this question, ‘based on your past experiences do you think that you will have desire towards people to romantically date them (crush/fall in love) in your future?’

Answers:

Yes- Heteromantic

Maybe/Yes but rarely- Gray Heteromantic

Probably or likely won’t- Aromantic