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OracularDream

Wanting sex as a asexual

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 8:33 AM, CBC said:

Btw, if any of you guys in this thread haven't heard... the way to figure out if you're asexual is whether you want to lick something. 😐

 

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CBC

I enjoyed my goat, yes. :D 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 9:03 AM, CBC said:

I enjoyed my goat, yes. :D 

 

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CBC
Just now, Dreamsexual said:

In the right context, that goat is probably what I look like ... Us lickers gotta stay together against you naughty non-lickers :)

Hey, I definitely didn't say I was never interested in licking anything... :ph34r:

 

Oh look, I've derailed a serious thread again. My work is done here.

 

(Sorry guys, carry on!)

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Nowhere Girl
2 hours ago, Sally said:

Sorry for the emphasis -- I just get exhausted with this pilpul.  Which is a Yiddish word for rhetorical arguing in an attempt to formulate a legal decision, and I think it applies here on AVEN.  

Thanks for the example. Last year I found a copy of Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish" on a book exchange shelf. It's fun to read, Jewish humour is quite intellectual so it's nice to know that I get it. :) Unfortunately, the copy is quite heavily damaged - the cover and the final approximately 20% are missing, the dictionary part ends somewhere at "s". :(

And, in fact, while being intellectually fun to read, it's also physically unpleasant to read, because the pages are palpably dirty. :( Just an old copy who must have gone a long way to end up in Warsaw.

8 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:
Dictionary.com
Intimacy
  • the state of being intimate.
  • a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
  • a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
  • an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
  • an amorously familiar act; liberty.
  • sexual intercourse.

Even disregarding all the issues we have with this definition, it seems incorrect to me. Doesn't "intercourse" mean only some kinds of sex? Coitus, so PIV, by extension also anal sex - but it seems not to include everything termed "foreplay". And sex is obviously more than intercourse.

By the way, recently I've read a text about how it really would be better to avoid the word "foreplay" altogether because it creates the assumption that all non-PIV sex is "lesser", just a preparation for the "main event" - and, as is widely known, at least for most women these "lesser" sexual activities are more pleasant than the "main event".

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Anthracite_Impreza

Instead of saying 'human' or 'person', why not say 'being'? That way everyone can use their own opinion on who counts as a partner without being sidelined.

 

I also find 'not wanting sex' easy to understand, but maybe my utter lack of interest in humans and societal expectations makes it easier to not get bogged down in fringe cases.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 11:24 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Instead of saying 'human' or 'person', why not say 'being'?

 

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Aimeendfire

If I was just coming into the community then “being” to me would just mean person as well. I know it doesn’t guys... I’ve read all the discussions on it in the threads. I’m just saying as a newbie it would still mean just person.

also why not just leave “asexuality= not wanting sex...period.” That’s the way Ive always viewed it.

 If you experience sexual attraction or if you want sex then you’re not asexual. 

 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 12:04 PM, Aimeendfire said:

If you experience sexual attraction or if you want sex then you’re not asexual. 

 

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Aimeendfire
8 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I actually agree (indeed I go a little further), but then I also think that some form of 'effective' asexuality is a useful label for those of us who have sex lives, but not with humans (and have no desire for sex with humans) and need to communicate that clearly (and have some sense of belonging with a community where a lot of similar practical issues/ problems, like being alone, are shared).

I get that . Always nice to share and be part of a community. 

But isn’t that just watering down the definition. You said it yourself that it does a disservice to asexuals to use that label when you do want to have sex.

 I honestly don’t care and am all like “you do you bo” and see no need to labels for myself. But I know that they are important for many people here. 

 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 12:22 PM, Aimeendfire said:

But isn’t that just watering down the definition

 

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza
55 minutes ago, Aimeendfire said:

If I was just coming into the community then “being” to me would just mean person as well. I know it doesn’t guys... I’ve read all the discussions on it in the threads. I’m just saying as a newbie it would still mean just person

To most people, yeah, but should we ever get any new objectum/ficto etc. members (as we have done many times before), then they can read being to mean non-(real)humans too.

 

It's like writing 'all' genders rather than 'both'. Sure, most people are male/female, and it won't affect them, but including the few percent who aren't is a good thing to do.

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ryn2
8 hours ago, Sally said:

I don't understand how someone can be confused by this definition:  "Asexuality means not wanting to have sex with any other person."  

It’s not so much confusion (for me); it’s that it excludes people who consider themselves ace and includes people others don’t consider ace.

 

That would imply one of two things; the people in question are wrong, or the definition is flawed.

 

Until we can be sure it’s not the latter, it’s risky to claim the former.

 

4 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

In that case wanting sex is wanting that particular type of pleasure or emotional connection or whatever, not the sex itself, since if you removed those elements they wouldn't still want the mechanical action.  Sex is an instrumental action if we go down that road.

I think we can still make a distinction here.  Sexual people want sex and its benefits (the ones that - for them - are part of the package, like pleasure and closeness, and potentially the extrinsic ones as well); asexual people who opt to have sex want its benefits (the extrinsic ones; they often don’t experience the intrinsic ones) despite having to engage in sex to get them.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 1:11 PM, ryn2 said:

Sexual people want sex and its benefits

 

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ryn2

People who intrinsically enjoy partnered sex derive benefits from it those who do not enjoy it intrinsically don’t derive.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Alright, why don't we go the other way round? If you feel something would be missing in your life without having (or having had) sex, you're sexual. If you don't feel something would be missing from not having (had) sex, you're ace.

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Dreamsexual

.

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ryn2
12 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Does anyone think that was not a good way of doing it?  Could I have done better?

I can’t weigh on this as I’m picturing every workplace I’ve ever had (as an adult) and still failing to come up with a single reason why or time when I would want to discuss my sexuality with my coworkers.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 2:00 PM, ryn2 said:

I can’t weigh on this as I’m picturing every workplace I’ve ever had (as an adult) and still failing to come up with a single reason why or time when I would want to discuss my sexuality with my coworkers.

 

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ryn2

I suppose it depends on your role, too.  I’m not typically in a role where any of those things have good consequences.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 2:05 PM, ryn2 said:

I’m not typically in a role where any of those things have good consequences.

 

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AspieAlly613
On 5/19/2019 at 3:03 AM, OracularDream said:

I want to have sex with him but internally struggling because and I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't know how? How do you have sex with someone your not sexually attracted to?

Unfortunately, there's not much I can add from personal experience.  I'm the opposite way: heterosexual but abstinent.

 

It's a long shot, but have you tried getting a bit tipsy?  It's the only constructive advice I could think of.

 

Good luck finding a way to make things work.  After 29 years finally finding someone to love, it would be awfully frustrating for one obstacle to get in the way.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Unfortunately, there's not much I can add from personal experience.  I'm the opposite way: heterosexual but abstinent.

 

It's a long shot, but have you tried getting a bit tipsy?  It's the only constructive advice I could think of.

Alcohol is the go to mechanism for sexuals who are planning to have sex with someone they're less than smitten with too...

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CBC
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Alcohol is the go to mechanism for sexuals who are planning to have sex with someone they're less than smitten with too...

Ooh, been there. Can confirm.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Alcohol is the go to mechanism for sexuals who are planning to have sex with someone they're less than smitten with too...

This is pretty universal regardless of orientation from what I have experienced, seen, and heard.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Ooh, been there. Can confirm.

It's also correlation, not causation. Alcohol can also lead to finding people to have sex with when you otherwise wouldn't. Or is that just causation working two ways.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I would say if you need alcohol to do somet, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

And yes I include karaoke in that.

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Snao Cone
5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This is pretty universal regardless of orientation from what I have experienced, seen, and heard.

Can confirm. 

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I would say if you need alcohol to do somet, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

And yes I include karaoke in that.

Since AVEN loves an edge case:

 

How about a quick shot of something before you tell your mother your father's just died?

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CBC
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Alcohol can also lead to finding people to have sex with when you otherwise wouldn't. Or is that just causation working two ways.

I just smoked some weed, so imma have to get back to you on that. It's mindfucking me right now.

 

3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I would say if you need alcohol to do somet, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

And yes I include karaoke in that.

Agreed on both counts. That was sex I shouldn't have been having, and I would sooner gouge my eyes out than sing karaoke. Pretty sure the only people who've heard me sing are my parents when I was a child and Skullz. It is not a skill of mine.

 

Also I still maintain that the correct spelling is 'summat'. :P 

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