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Wanting sex as a asexual


OracularDream

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12 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Does anyone think that was not a good way of doing it?  Could I have done better?

I can’t weigh on this as I’m picturing every workplace I’ve ever had (as an adult) and still failing to come up with a single reason why or time when I would want to discuss my sexuality with my coworkers.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 2:00 PM, ryn2 said:

I can’t weigh on this as I’m picturing every workplace I’ve ever had (as an adult) and still failing to come up with a single reason why or time when I would want to discuss my sexuality with my coworkers.

 

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I suppose it depends on your role, too.  I’m not typically in a role where any of those things have good consequences.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 2:05 PM, ryn2 said:

I’m not typically in a role where any of those things have good consequences.

 

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AspieAlly613
On 5/19/2019 at 3:03 AM, OracularDream said:

I want to have sex with him but internally struggling because and I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't know how? How do you have sex with someone your not sexually attracted to?

Unfortunately, there's not much I can add from personal experience.  I'm the opposite way: heterosexual but abstinent.

 

It's a long shot, but have you tried getting a bit tipsy?  It's the only constructive advice I could think of.

 

Good luck finding a way to make things work.  After 29 years finally finding someone to love, it would be awfully frustrating for one obstacle to get in the way.

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Alcohol is the go to mechanism for sexuals who are planning to have sex with someone they're less than smitten with too...

This is pretty universal regardless of orientation from what I have experienced, seen, and heard.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I would say if you need alcohol to do somet, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

 

And yes I include karaoke in that.

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5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This is pretty universal regardless of orientation from what I have experienced, seen, and heard.

Can confirm. 

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Since AVEN loves an edge case:

 

How about a quick shot of something before you tell your mother your father's just died?

That's what singing telegrams are for. 

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Dreamsexual

.

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8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's also correlation, not causation. Alcohol can also lead to finding people to have sex with when you otherwise wouldn't. Or is that just causation working two ways.

I’d call it medication.  :)

 

Alcohol makes it easier to do things you might otherwise find mentally or physically uncomfortable.  Whether that’s good or bad varies with the situation and with your own viewpoint on your usual discomfort.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 3:29 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Did she use a straw?.

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which is better etiquette, the singing undertaker or the singing corpse-in-a-shroud?

 

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

SINGING CORPSE. Omg. No contest.

I was thinking a very morbid looking Tiny Tim impersonator as an undertaker, as the ukulele and falsetto would be a great touch. 

 

ANYWAY, back on topic, I've needed alcohol to drown out the "uh, you don't actually want this" so I know why an asexual person, or any person who hasn't been able to pursue sex easily for whatever reason, would turn to that. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Since AVEN loves an edge case:

 

How about a quick shot of something before you tell your mother your father's just died?

My mother wouldn't care, they split up decades ago ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯

 

9 minutes ago, CBC said:

Also I still maintain that the correct spelling is 'summat'. :P 

Not in my village!

 

6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Did she use a straw?

*snorts and hurts themself*

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

You'd think that about weed too, but. 

Weed seems to be much less predictable, though.  Some people get super-anxious with it.

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20 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 

I would say if you need alcohol to do somet, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

That’s what I meant about your viewpoint on your normal unwillingness.

 

If you see it as good, protective, healthy, etc., then absolutely yes.

 

If you see it as keeping you from achieving something, it’s harder to say.

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3 minutes ago, CBC said:

other highly variable things

I was going to go into more detail   but decided it was too nerdy LOL.

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5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But it also makes me wonder on the nature of the inhibitions that are being repressed - are they inhibitions that are part of a wider mental issue specifically affecting wanting to have sex (like, say, anxiety about interactions with people)? Or are they inhibitions about just not wanting sex 'just because', in the same way that straight people don't want sex with someone their own gender, 'just because'.

All of the above, depending on the person and the situation.

 

It makes it easier to go along with:

* things you genuinely don’t want

* things you want at some level but feel you shouldn’t want, potentially to the point that you can’t admit it to yourself at all

* things you want but are uncomfortable requesting

 

I don’t think it can be used to “diagnose” which is in play at any given time.

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23 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But it also makes me wonder on the nature of the inhibitions that are being repressed - are they inhibitions that are part of a wider mental issue specifically affecting wanting to have sex (like, say, anxiety about interactions with people)? Or are they inhibitions about just not wanting sex 'just because', in the same way that straight people don't want sex with someone their own gender, 'just because'.

They could be either and possibly both at the same time. It's probably more common with the former, because many have sexual people needed to do this too. But like how many asexual people first believed they had a medical issue, it could very well be the case (this was basically what it was for me) that someone who thinks the problem is nerves or shyness or anxiety relies on alcohol when the actual crux of the issue is they're asexual. 

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7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In a general way, and not aimed at you:  since some asexuals are willing to have sex and some quite enjoy it, apparently, is the crux of unwillingness that they're asexual? Or logically, must there be something more going on?

The difference is whether they're sex-favorable/indifferent/averse. I'm decidedly indifferent. Averse people would probably need to be blackout drunk. Asexuality ties into that the same way that hetero people might be willing to try sex with the same gender, or they may in theory have nothing wrong with the idea of them doing it, but not get into it at all. Some hetero people are willing to have a threesome with their partner plus someone of the same gender, for example, but they aren't intrinsically bisexual. They may need different levels of mental lubricant to actually do it, though. 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In a general way, and not aimed at you:  since some asexuals are willing to have sex and some quite enjoy it, apparently, is the crux of unwillingness that they're asexual? Or logically, must there be something more going on?

Like snao (and I said), it’s going to vary from person to person.  There are probably people out there who think social anxiety (e.g.,) is the issue when they are actually ace.  Likewise, there are probably people out there who think they’re ace when it’s actually social anxiety.  There are yet others where both are true.

 

It gets dangerous when people start assuming it’s “diagnostic” for everyone, like “he blew a guy when drunk, therefore he’s secretly bi/gay.”

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Anthracite_Impreza
45 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That’s what I meant about your viewpoint on your normal unwillingness.

 

If you see it as good, protective, healthy, etc., then absolutely yes.

 

If you see it as keeping you from achieving something, it’s harder to say.

I have to be in control at all times so yeah, definitely protective. I'd rather put up with horrendous anxiety than not know what I'm doing.

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

... but you don't actually feel any sexual attraction to the people you boff, obviously.

In all seriousness, not according to some of the definitions I see around here. 

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

You have the faintest idea what any of those definitions mean then?

The "I want to fuck you, stranger on the street, due to your scorching hotness"... That one I'm pretty iffy on. 

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23 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So here's where I'm going with this - needing to be drunk is actually a function of sexual aversion, rather than asexuality.

I would say it is more tied to that, yeah. And aversion (or indifference) are more common in asexual people. 

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33 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So here's where I'm going with this - needing to be drunk is actually a function of sexual aversion, rather than asexuality.

Again, sometimes yes and sometimes no.  You could be averse to sex, averse to the person, anxious and in need of calming down, physically tense for other reasons and need help relaxing, afraid of rejection/down on yourself and in need of “liquid courage,” etc.

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13 minutes ago, CBC said:

Brb, I've got a hot stranger coming over...

What, is the toilet clogged?

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