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Wanting sex as a asexual


OracularDream

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 9:18 PM, Serran said:

What specific scenarios you mean ?

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6 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

Yes, in what way are you a sexual, but really narrow?

But I understand this is a very intimate question, so feel free to tell to mind my own business. :)

I have had five long term relationships. Longest being 10 years. First four I never desired anything sexual because I lacked attraction to the people I was with in a sexual way and without the attraction (a desire to share my sexual side with someome else), it was unappealing. The one I am in now, I enjoy limited (toys, hands, etc) sexual interaction and desire it. 

 

To spark said attraction I had to get with someone who genuinely didnt mind if we were sexual together or not. And doesnt like or want more traditional sex. But does still sexually desire me. Giving me both being wanted and feeling completely free of pressure. Which... is a very hard to find combo. And only came about as she thought she was ace at one point, so did I. So together we ended up just a very odd but still quite sexual couple. :lol:

 

I wont get into anymore specifics on activities. But, PiV, oral and anal are all off the table. Which I love !

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 9:35 PM, Serran said:

Which... is a very hard to find combo

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2 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

Wow, I can Imagine!  Thanks for being so candid, I like discovering new things ... And that was a new thing! :)

I'm glad you found something that works for you, sounds cool.

 

In you profile it says 'Ricmediesexual' - it that what this is, or ... Am I missing something else?

Ric is my wife. The medie means medium. We just made it up when so many labels were coming onto AVEN as a joke label - literally means medium sexual just for my wife. 😛

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On 5/19/2019 at 6:58 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

If you want to, that try it. But be assured that you don't have to follow mainstream expressions of intimacy. Actually, I really hate how the word "intimacy" is often used as an euphemism for sex. :angry: It's possible to be intimate in other ways which don't involve sexual contact and choosing or preferring them is valid.

Dictionary.com
Intimacy
  • the state of being intimate.
  • a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
  • a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
  • an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
  • an amorously familiar act; liberty.
  • sexual intercourse.

The mainstream seems to cut right to that bottom line ignoring the rest. 

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I don't understand how someone can be confused by this definition:  "Asexuality means not wanting to have sex with any other person."  

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 4:51 AM, Sally said:

I don't understand how someone can be confused by this definition:  "Asexuality means not wanting to have sex with any other person."  

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Why?   What is confusing about it?  

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15 minutes ago, CBC said:

Ah, a true question for the ages...

It needn't be.   I don't want sex with anyone.  I've never wanted sex with anyone.  I had sex, but because my loving partner wanted it, not because I wanted sex as sex.  That, to me, is asexuality.  

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7 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm with ya there, yup. I mean, not in that particular experience, but in your definition. Another one of those things that's bleedingly obvious to me, but seems so complicated to many. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it's because they get hung up with the bloody "sexual attraction" business, and they have no idea what that means.  (Who could, if you're actually asexual?)

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 6:29 AM, Sally said:

Why?   What is confusing about it?  

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16 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

*sigh*  Just when I think I'm out of definition debates ... You drag me back in ...

 

It confused me for two main reasons:

a) 'wanting' is far too broad. What if I 'want' sex to please my sexual partner, curiosity, to make money, etc etc.

 

b) 'other person' is too broad.  If I, as an animistic robopsychesexual, have an active sex life with robot persons it seems ridiculous to still classify me as 'asexual' - it does a huge disrespectful service to 'real' asexuals to include people with clear and obvious, if odd, realised sex drives imho.

 

Which is why I prefer my own definition which avoids these issues.

I defined "wanting sex" as wanting sex for sex.  Not HAVING sex for other reasons.    I HAD sex for other reasons; I never WANTED it.

 

A robot is not a person.   "Other person" means HUMAN BEING -- i.e., PERSON.

 

Sorry for the emphasis -- I just get exhausted with this pilpul.  Which is a Yiddish word for rhetorical arguing in an attempt to formulate a legal decision, and I think it applies here on AVEN.  

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 7:48 AM, Sally said:

I defined "wanting sex" as wanting sex for sex

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42 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

a) 'wanting' is far too broad. What if I 'want' sex to please my sexual partner, curiosity, to make money, etc etc.

None of that is actually wanting sex.  It's wanting to please a partner; it's wanting to satisfy a curiosity; it's wanting to make money.

 

Sexual people want sex.  It is not a substitute for something else, and cannot be substituted by something else.

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Dreamsexual
On ‎5‎/‎22‎/‎2019 at 8:10 AM, Philip027 said:

None of that is actually wanting sex. 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 8:33 AM, CBC said:

Btw, if any of you guys in this thread haven't heard... the way to figure out if you're asexual is whether you want to lick something. 😐

 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 9:03 AM, CBC said:

I enjoyed my goat, yes. :D 

 

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everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, Sally said:

Sorry for the emphasis -- I just get exhausted with this pilpul.  Which is a Yiddish word for rhetorical arguing in an attempt to formulate a legal decision, and I think it applies here on AVEN.  

Thanks for the example. Last year I found a copy of Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish" on a book exchange shelf. It's fun to read, Jewish humour is quite intellectual so it's nice to know that I get it. :) Unfortunately, the copy is quite heavily damaged - the cover and the final approximately 20% are missing, the dictionary part ends somewhere at "s". :(

And, in fact, while being intellectually fun to read, it's also physically unpleasant to read, because the pages are palpably dirty. :( Just an old copy who must have gone a long way to end up in Warsaw.

8 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:
Dictionary.com
Intimacy
  • the state of being intimate.
  • a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
  • a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
  • an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
  • an amorously familiar act; liberty.
  • sexual intercourse.

Even disregarding all the issues we have with this definition, it seems incorrect to me. Doesn't "intercourse" mean only some kinds of sex? Coitus, so PIV, by extension also anal sex - but it seems not to include everything termed "foreplay". And sex is obviously more than intercourse.

By the way, recently I've read a text about how it really would be better to avoid the word "foreplay" altogether because it creates the assumption that all non-PIV sex is "lesser", just a preparation for the "main event" - and, as is widely known, at least for most women these "lesser" sexual activities are more pleasant than the "main event".

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Anthracite_Impreza

Instead of saying 'human' or 'person', why not say 'being'? That way everyone can use their own opinion on who counts as a partner without being sidelined.

 

I also find 'not wanting sex' easy to understand, but maybe my utter lack of interest in humans and societal expectations makes it easier to not get bogged down in fringe cases.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 11:24 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Instead of saying 'human' or 'person', why not say 'being'?

 

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Aimeendfire

If I was just coming into the community then “being” to me would just mean person as well. I know it doesn’t guys... I’ve read all the discussions on it in the threads. I’m just saying as a newbie it would still mean just person.

also why not just leave “asexuality= not wanting sex...period.” That’s the way Ive always viewed it.

 If you experience sexual attraction or if you want sex then you’re not asexual. 

 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 12:04 PM, Aimeendfire said:

If you experience sexual attraction or if you want sex then you’re not asexual. 

 

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Aimeendfire
8 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

I actually agree (indeed I go a little further), but then I also think that some form of 'effective' asexuality is a useful label for those of us who have sex lives, but not with humans (and have no desire for sex with humans) and need to communicate that clearly (and have some sense of belonging with a community where a lot of similar practical issues/ problems, like being alone, are shared).

I get that . Always nice to share and be part of a community. 

But isn’t that just watering down the definition. You said it yourself that it does a disservice to asexuals to use that label when you do want to have sex.

 I honestly don’t care and am all like “you do you bo” and see no need to labels for myself. But I know that they are important for many people here. 

 

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 12:22 PM, Aimeendfire said:

But isn’t that just watering down the definition

 

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza
55 minutes ago, Aimeendfire said:

If I was just coming into the community then “being” to me would just mean person as well. I know it doesn’t guys... I’ve read all the discussions on it in the threads. I’m just saying as a newbie it would still mean just person

To most people, yeah, but should we ever get any new objectum/ficto etc. members (as we have done many times before), then they can read being to mean non-(real)humans too.

 

It's like writing 'all' genders rather than 'both'. Sure, most people are male/female, and it won't affect them, but including the few percent who aren't is a good thing to do.

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8 hours ago, Sally said:

I don't understand how someone can be confused by this definition:  "Asexuality means not wanting to have sex with any other person."  

It’s not so much confusion (for me); it’s that it excludes people who consider themselves ace and includes people others don’t consider ace.

 

That would imply one of two things; the people in question are wrong, or the definition is flawed.

 

Until we can be sure it’s not the latter, it’s risky to claim the former.

 

4 hours ago, Dreamsexual said:

In that case wanting sex is wanting that particular type of pleasure or emotional connection or whatever, not the sex itself, since if you removed those elements they wouldn't still want the mechanical action.  Sex is an instrumental action if we go down that road.

I think we can still make a distinction here.  Sexual people want sex and its benefits (the ones that - for them - are part of the package, like pleasure and closeness, and potentially the extrinsic ones as well); asexual people who opt to have sex want its benefits (the extrinsic ones; they often don’t experience the intrinsic ones) despite having to engage in sex to get them.

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Dreamsexual
On 22 May 2019 at 1:11 PM, ryn2 said:

Sexual people want sex and its benefits

 

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People who intrinsically enjoy partnered sex derive benefits from it those who do not enjoy it intrinsically don’t derive.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Alright, why don't we go the other way round? If you feel something would be missing in your life without having (or having had) sex, you're sexual. If you don't feel something would be missing from not having (had) sex, you're ace.

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Dreamsexual

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