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Wanting sex as a asexual


OracularDream

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OracularDream

** I am not new to this site. I just can't remember my log in

 

Ever since I can remember I can remember I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, however I have a libido. I masturbate often. I am very much interested in having sex but it's been very difficult finding a partner because I am not sexually attracted to anyone?

 

Recently I've entered a relationship with someone for the first time. We have wonderful dates and I really enjoy my time with him. We talk about really intimate things together and today we kissed for the first time (YAY!). 

 

However I am having trouble because I am romantically interested in him but don't find him sexually attractive. 

 

He and I have talked at lengths about this and he has reassured me that things would be ok that we would take things slow. He didn't want to pressure me into doing anything .

 

I want to have sex with him but internally struggling because and I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't know how? How do you have sex with someone your not sexually attracted to?

 

I guess I will just have to see how the relationship goes? Maybe how I feel about him romantically will help edge into being more intimate with him?

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Dreamsexual

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everywhere and nowhere

Can't really help you, but I have come to the conclusion that the two most important definitions of asexuality can come into conflict and there is a minority of people who are asexual under one definition, but not under the other. I'm on the opposite end of this "scale of conflicted asexuality": I can find someone very sexually attractive, but never desire sex. Even on the contrary, I feel psychologically unable to have sex with anyone because the process frightens and distresses me so much. (I have never attempted it, I just know - I feel short of breath even at the thought of having to undress in anyone's presense.) I don't regret it, I wouldn't want to be sex-indifferent, not to mention fully allosexual, but it's a fact that I only experience a part of "sexual response".

 

Perhaps you may find my topic about these potentially conflicting definitions interesting:

 

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If you want to have sex with anyone (doesn't matter who it is), you're not asexual.  Don't get hung up on the "attractive" business; it just confuses people.  Asexuality is when you don't want to have sex -- with any other human being.  

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RiverSongTwin

Hello, @OracularDream!

 Seems to me that you are exactly in the position I was a while ago. I have been in a relationship with a demisexual person for almost 3 years now. It was also my first relationship, and happened slightly after I had fully come to terms with my asexuality.

   At first I had lots of doubts, but I decided to just roll with it and see what would happen. I told him I was asexual and that may never be sexually interested in him, and he was okay with that. We have a lot of non-sexual intimate moments with each other, and are really close to each other.

   I have always been sex positive, so we slowly tried more sexual intimacy. And, to my surprise, it felt just like the other non-sexual things we did together. It's worth noticing that it took over a year of relationship for me to get used to more sexual interactions, though.

   I think it is also worth adding that I did feel sexual attraction for him a couple times during the relationship, but it's not something that happens all the time, and has only happened about 3 or 4 times during all this year we've been together (I'm probably gray-a, but I'm still figuring this out).

   I don't know if this will be helpful to you, it's my first time posting in here. Also, there is a blog called Ace in the Hole that may be a good source for you. It is a sex blog written by an asexual that both had a libido and a sexual relationship with an alo partner. I know it was a good source for me, haha.

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Well, hang on. First: Have you ever had sex with anyone before?

 

It took me a while to realize I was asexual, for a multitude of reasons. I wasn't repulsed by the idea of sex. Sometimes I was curious. I very much enjoyed cuddling and body contact. Whenever I started a new relationship, the "new relationship energy" kept me really hyped up and made the idea of having sex not seem so bad. I wanted to be desired, even if I couldn't desire anyone. I had some kind of libido. 

 

That's why I didn't realize I was asexual until I was mid-way through my second long-term relationship. Having experience helped put things in perspective. 

 

If you have never desired to have sex with anyone- not your unattainable high school crush, not any boyfriend you've ever had, etc., then it could be that you are asexual and just curious, or that you just like the idea of being wanted in that way. And honestly, if it doesn't bother you (and you're an adult), it might be worth a try. Then you'll know if it's something you could potentially stand doing on a regular basis, y'know?

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BeADreamer

I guess it depends on the reason you want to have sex with him. I'll put it out there that I've never had a sexual experience so that what I write after this is perceived only as a speculation. Personally, I would consider having sex with someone not because I'm attracted to them or innately desire sex, but because 1) I'm curious about what it would be like - like a one and done type deal or 2) if I were in a non-platonic relationship with a sexual person and it were important to them - though I only think I'd be okay with this in theory (I might feel completely different about it in practice, but I don't know). I think that if your reason for wanting to have sex with him is the same as my second reason I'd consider it, it'll probably be a lot harder for you to feel comfortable having sex with him because your reason for wanting it would have everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with yourself. As in, you can't bring yourself to do it because you don't genuinely want it for yourself. Though again, I don't know your reason(s) 🙃

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There are reasons to have sex: having a child, trying to hold onto a partner, etc.   But those reasons don't make  you want to have sex as sex.  If you are asexual, you have sex for reasons, not because you actually want the sex.  

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I don't understand how you're differentiating wanting to have sex with someone, and being "sexually attracted" to someone.  To me they are the exact same thing.  What makes them different to you?

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MajorMeghan

I think we're getting too caught up in very literal definitions here. We allow people who identify as bisexual to have an amount of definitional fluidity; i.e. someone who identifies as bisexual might not be attracted to both genders equally, someone else who identifies as bisexual might. It's the same for asexuality. Sure, the word means "lack of sexual attraction," but that's far too restrictive a definition to fit everybody all the time and it certainly doesn't reflect most asexual people's experiences. I like the idea of asexuality as a spectrum, and people don't always fall at the farthest end of it. Personally, I myself am gray-asexual or graysexual - I feel like my sexuality usually hovers around the asexual mark but not 100% of the time. Graysexual, however, still falls under the broader definition of asexuality. 

 

I think it's important to advocate for more inclusive language, and based on what I've seen from the people who run AVEN, they feel the same way.: 

 

Edit: there's also a difference between libido and sexual attraction: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido

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17 minutes ago, MajorMeghan said:

but that's far too restrictive a definition to fit everybody all the time

It's not supposed to fit everybody all the time. Just the ones who actually fit the definition. There's nothing spectrum-like to "X doesn't happen". "Sometimes" isn't on the "no spectrum". The more restrictive a definition is (any definition!), the better. Clarity FTW.

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OracularDream
13 hours ago, Sally said:

If you want to have sex with anyone (doesn't matter who it is), you're not asexual.  Don't get hung up on the "attractive" business; it just confuses people.  Asexuality is when you don't want to have sex -- with any other human being.  

I strongly believe that isn’t true and I wish you not impose on what I believe is my sexual identity. Thanks.

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OracularDream
14 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Can't really help you, but I have come to the conclusion that the two most important definitions of asexuality can come into conflict and there is a minority of people who are asexual under one definition, but not under the other. I'm on the opposite end of this "scale of conflicted asexuality": I can find someone very sexually attractive, but never desire sex. Even on the contrary, I feel psychologically unable to have sex with anyone because the process frightens and distresses me so much. (I have never attempted it, I just know - I feel short of breath even at the thought of having to undress in anyone's presense.) I don't regret it, I wouldn't want to be sex-indifferent, not to mention fully allosexual, but it's a fact that I only experience a part of "sexual response".

 

Perhaps you may find my topic about these potentially conflicting definitions interesting:

 

Thanks for replying! Are conflicted by being sexually attracted to people yet not wanting sex? I’ll read your post because I am interested. Thanks 

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Sure, the word means "lack of sexual attraction," but that's far too restrictive a definition to fit everybody all the time and it certainly doesn't reflect most asexual people's experiences.

It's not supposed to fit everybody all of the time.  Definitions of things don't exist to cater to as many different people as possible, they exist to define things.

 

If asexuality basically means "whatever the hell you want it to mean" we might as well throw it out as a useful term for defining anything.

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OracularDream
12 hours ago, RiverSongTwin said:

Hello, @OracularDream!

 Seems to me that you are exactly in the position I was a while ago. I have been in a relationship with a demisexual person for almost 3 years now. It was also my first relationship, and happened slightly after I had fully come to terms with my asexuality.

   At first I had lots of doubts, but I decided to just roll with it and see what would happen. I told him I was asexual and that may never be sexually interested in him, and he was okay with that. We have a lot of non-sexual intimate moments with each other, and are really close to each other.

   I have always been sex positive, so we slowly tried more sexual intimacy. And, to my surprise, it felt just like the other non-sexual things we did together. It's worth noticing that it took over a year of relationship for me to get used to more sexual interactions, though.

   I think it is also worth adding that I did feel sexual attraction for him a couple times during the relationship, but it's not something that happens all the time, and has only happened about 3 or 4 times during all this year we've been together (I'm probably gray-a, but I'm still figuring this out).

   I don't know if this will be helpful to you, it's my first time posting in here. Also, there is a blog called Ace in the Hole that may be a good source for you. It is a sex blog written by an asexual that both had a libido and a sexual relationship with an alo partner. I know it was a good source for me, haha.

I’m so glad that you replied with this! I am also sex positive and personally just want to know what the experience is like . I’ve never had sex before and want to know if it’s a fun activity. Maybe I would be closer to my partner? 

 

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OracularDream
3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I don't understand how you're differentiating wanting to have sex with someone, and being "sexually attracted" to someone.  To me they are the exact same thing.  What makes them different to you?

Thanks for replying with this question and not just putting me on the spot and saying I’m not asexual. :)

 

just to be clear I’ve never had sex. I am mostly just curious on what it feels like. I wonder if it will be a fun activity. Will it bring my partner and I closer together? 

 

Im not here to try and discredit people’s sexuality. In was just interested in if anyone could help or went through what I went through 

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OracularDream
3 hours ago, MajorMeghan said:

I think we're getting too caught up in very literal definitions here. We allow people who identify as bisexual to have an amount of definitional fluidity; i.e. someone who identifies as bisexual might not be attracted to both genders equally, someone else who identifies as bisexual might. It's the same for asexuality. Sure, the word means "lack of sexual attraction," but that's far too restrictive a definition to fit everybody all the time and it certainly doesn't reflect most asexual people's experiences. I like the idea of asexuality as a spectrum, and people don't always fall at the farthest end of it. Personally, I myself am gray-asexual or graysexual - I feel like my sexuality usually hovers around the asexual mark but not 100% of the time. Graysexual, however, still falls under the broader definition of asexuality. 

 

I think it's important to advocate for more inclusive language, and based on what I've seen from the people who run AVEN, they feel the same way.: 

 

Edit: there's also a difference between libido and sexual attraction: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido

THANK YOU

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OracularDream
10 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

Well, hang on. First: Have you ever had sex with anyone before?

 

It took me a while to realize I was asexual, for a multitude of reasons. I wasn't repulsed by the idea of sex. Sometimes I was curious. I very much enjoyed cuddling and body contact. Whenever I started a new relationship, the "new relationship energy" kept me really hyped up and made the idea of having sex not seem so bad. I wanted to be desired, even if I couldn't desire anyone. I had some kind of libido. 

 

That's why I didn't realize I was asexual until I was mid-way through my second long-term relationship. Having experience helped put things in perspective. 

 

If you have never desired to have sex with anyone- not your unattainable high school crush, not any boyfriend you've ever had, etc., then it could be that you are asexual and just curious, or that you just like the idea of being wanted in that way. And honestly, if it doesn't bother you (and you're an adult), it might be worth a try. Then you'll know if it's something you could potentially stand doing on a regular basis, y'know?

Thank you! Your right on the mark. I have never had sex and just curious about how it feels like and if it will bring me closer to my partners.

 

im not sexually attracted to them but maybe the activity would be fun?

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just to be clear I’ve never had sex. I am mostly just curious on what it feels like. I wonder if it will be a fun activity. Will it bring my partner and I closer together? 

Yeah, I suspected something like this.

 

In my opinion, experiencing or wanting to satisfy a curiosity about sex doesn't necessarily discredit someone as asexual.  Sex is so omnipresent in society that it's only natural for some to develop these curiosities.  If, however, they satisfy that curiosity and they find that it's something they enjoy to the point that they then know they want to keep pursuing it, I would then question that particular choice of identity.

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OracularDream
3 hours ago, CBC said:

I'm with Philip. Ok yes, you can find someone attractive (in any sense, not just physically) and you can also just want to have sex in general and think "Eh, this person will do"... and you can desire sex as a way of bonding with someone you love, or you can shag someone you met at the pub and had instant chemistry with... but ultimately they're all drives to seek partnered sex with another person, for your own pleasure (physical, emotional, whatever). That's the main gist of being sexual. 

I really appreciate that you said this. Makes me think if maybe for a long time I indentified as asexual but maybe I’m more Demi sexual or gray asexual.

 

i have a extremely hard time being attracted to other people... and I’m 29. I’m def not conventionally sexual.... but maybe your right maybe I can find other aspects of people attractive.

 

 

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OracularDream
7 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, I suspected something like this.

 

In my opinion, experiencing or wanting to satisfy a curiosity about sex doesn't necessarily discredit someone as asexual.  Sex is so omnipresent in society that it's only natural for some to develop these curiosities.  If, however, they satisfy that curiosity and they find that it's something they enjoy to the point that they then know they want to keep pursuing it, I would then question that particular choice of identity.

But I guess I’m confused. I’m not sexually attracted to people. I don’t look at my partner and instinctually want to have sex with them. Then what am I? Gray asexual? 

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In my experience, I've never enjoyed sex because it didn't feel like something that grew out of a natural inclination to be intimate with the other person, even when I did really like them. In some cases it made things really awkward after the fact. Don't push yourself into it too hard if you think it will ruin the connection you have with your partner. Make sure your partner doesn't expect you to like it, or doesn't expect that it will magically unlock a box that had your (possibly non-existent) sexuality locked inside. If you want to try it out of curiosity or just to see if the romantic connection to the person makes it enjoyable, be prepared to emotionally handle negative results, just in case.

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everywhere and nowhere

One more thing you might look into is responsive desire. For me it's rather theoretic since I don't experience any kind of sexual desire, but according to data I have seen here - most women only experience responsive and not spontaneous desire. This might be another explanation for why you don't feel immediately attracted to anyone. In a broader perspective - perhaps what, as we are told, is a general model of sexual desire, only fits a large proportion of men, but few women. This leaves some women feeling "broken" (I hate this word :angry:) because nobody told them directly that male and female sexuality don't work the same. And while I believe that the 1% statistic is understated and not accurate or even overstated (I consider about 5% to be a more likely percentage of asexuals) - I admit that it may account for some people, particularly women, who only have the capacity for responsive desire and perhaps haven't even been in a situation which could trigger it - and this makes them think that they might be asexual.

That said, there are definitely also people who indeed don't feel sexual desire, neither spontaneous or responsive. Someone who feels actively sex-averse is unlikely to develop responsive desire, but for those with strong curiousity for sex and some vague desire it might be an alternative explanation.

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OracularDream

I want to thank everyone for leaving a comment.

 

I mostly came here because I was in a corner and didn’t know what to do. I never imagined that coming here would have people questioning my sexuality or it leading to a debate on what a asexuality is. I’m not here to discredit anyone for what they identified as.

 

for 29 years I’ve identified as asexual has brought me a lot of closer on why I wasn’t sexually attracted to other people. 

 

Just to be clear I’ve never had sex I’m mostly just curious. I’ve never had it. I don’t know if I’ll even like it. I just thought it would be a way to be more intimate with my partner  

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everywhere and nowhere
4 minutes ago, OracularDream said:

I just thought it would be a way to be more intimate with my partner  

If you want to, that try it. But be assured that you don't have to follow mainstream expressions of intimacy. Actually, I really hate how the word "intimacy" is often used as an euphemism for sex. :angry: It's possible to be intimate in other ways which don't involve sexual contact and choosing or preferring them is valid.

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OracularDream
1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

If you want to, that try it. But be assured that you don't have to follow mainstream expressions of intimacy. Actually, I really hate how the word "intimacy" is often used as an euphemism for sex. :angry: It's possible to be intimate in other ways which don't involve sexual contact and choosing or preferring them is valid.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend. :) I understand d

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everywhere and nowhere
Just now, OracularDream said:

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend. :) I understand d

I'm not offended in any way. I'm just telling you to be more assertive.

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ManBearPigJeff
3 hours ago, OracularDream said:

 

 

Just to be clear I’ve never had sex I’m mostly just curious. I’ve never had it. I don’t know if I’ll even like it. I just thought it would be a way to be more intimate with my partner  

I've personally never gone hang gliding. People that do it a lot seem to be into it, and I'd lie if I didn't say I like the idea of being a hang glider, but the risk/reward ratio just seems so tilted. Maybe some people just aren't meant to go hang gliding.

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3 hours ago, OracularDream said:

But I guess I’m confused. I’m not sexually attracted to people. I don’t look at my partner and instinctually want to have sex with them. Then what am I? Gray asexual? 

Sexual attraction isnt looking at someone and instinctually wanting sex from that. It can be one way of experiencing it, but it isnt the only way. 

 

I experience it by a natural progression from romantic interaction to sexual, it feeling like a good idea to keep it going. It is subtle and responsive to the situation. And took a while to develop for my partner, requiring us to get close. 

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AspieAlly613
3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Actually, I really hate how the word "intimacy" is often used as an euphemism for sex.

AGREED!

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