don't know how to get him to stop hinting to anything sexual

[kurorin]

hi

i have a friend, and i always remind him like maybe 3 times in the same conversation that he is a friend

to me there was nothing else and nothing can ever happen since he is married

the issue is that lately, he started talking about sex and about he is imagining in his mind

and even tho i do all i can to steer the conversation somewhere  else, he would act like i never did anything

at the same time, i am not sure if it's something i said that brought this up (also i don't feel comfortable to talk to him since i feel like it isn't fair to his wife even tho like he keeps saying it's  only a conversation and nothing will happen

please help me 😖

[Guest]

This man is a creep you should probably start distancing yourself from him I just can't see this ending any other way than uncomfortableness on your part

[kurorin]

i think so as well

we work together so it's a little hard to avoid him but i will be limiting all the conversation

maybe be frank and tell him that i view him as a brother nothing more. especially since hinting isn't working so much for me 

let's just hope for the best then 

[kurorin]

if need be and it can't be avoided i certainly will 

because sometimes he is acting like i am flirting with him, which is definitely not the case

i am an open person, so i always joke and laugh with people i consider as a friend, 

to me, i was just being me

sometimes i don't understand men at all🤬

[Sally]

Hinting does not work, and he is not acting like a friend.  A friend would not do this kind of stuff.  If he does this around other people, you could be blunt enough to embarass him in front of those co-workers.  Say something like "XXX, I'm sure your wife would not  like you saying stuff like that to me.  It would be a shame if she found out."

[kurorin]

i tried it once, he went on to say that it's just banter and that i was the one with a problem if i couldn' distinguish between the two

he was like " don't you know the difference between what's real and what's not"

well guess what either way it still feels wrong, but people only think that since i am Ace, and was never in a relationship i see too much into stuff

[Sally]

Absolutely go to your superiors.  

 

Did you tell him that if he doesn't stop, you'll go to his wife?  

[kurorin]

you are right

i will be more firm, and go talk to someone about it in HR 

hopefully, it will stop

 

thanks  for all the answers

i will keep you posted on how it goes

[kurorin]

i never thought about going that far Sally

[Sally]

9 minutes ago, kurorin said:

i never thought about going that far Sally

I had to threaten it once.  It worked; he stopped.  

[kurorin]

Just now, Sally said:

I had to threaten it once.  It worked; he stopped.  

i will keep it in my mind then, thanks for the advice 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

43 minutes ago, kurorin said:

i tried it once, he went on to say that it's just banter and that i was the one with a problem if i couldn' distinguish between the two

he was like " don't you know the difference between what's real and what's not"

This is called gaslighting, a very common bullying technique. Be careful and stand firm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

[kurorin]

5 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

This is called gaslighting, a very common bullying technique. Be careful and stand firm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

This is 😱

I never thought about it that way but at the same while I can relate to some points

[Sally]

If he says what he's doing isn't "real", then he can keep doing it and you can't complain.  Very nasty technique.  There's no reason you have to be friendly to him after that.  

[Nirnroot]

Tell him you are not comfortable with these kinds of conversations. Be blunt, and don’t let him make you feel bad about it. If he says “you’re sensitive” or “it’s only a conversation” or the like say “I don’t care, this is how I feel, I don’t want to talk about it.” Be assertive. And if he doesn’t stop, then it’s clear he isn’t being a friend to you right now and cut him off. Cutting him off can be temporary until he’s made it clear he plans to respect you. Or maybe it’s not temporary. Point is, if he can’t be respectful, then he isn’t being a friend, and you should cut him off.

[aquariusabandoned]

HE REALLY NEEDS TO STOP. I recently got out of a toxic relationship where the person was manipulative, both sexually and emotionally. I was constantly pressured by the person. Don’t let that happen to you.

[Artistbikerfarmer]

The guy is an arsehole, and just like an arsehole full of sh1t. Tell him the harrassment stops or HR will be informed.

Spoiler

I would then tell HR anyway, and get his sleezey arse fired. But I'm not a nice guy about this kind of thing.

 

[ryn2]

On 5/18/2019 at 7:43 PM, kurorin said:

people i consider as a friend

Agreed with some of the other posters... if you are work colleagues and he is persisting in misreading your friendliness/talking about things you’ve told him make you uncomfortable, he’s probably not someone you should consider a friend right now.