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Ace Husband Gets Turned on by Other Women

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Philip027

As someone with Asperger's, I can tell you that most of what's on the website in your second link is a load of garbage.  Most of what it tries to say against ASD people (which comes just short of outright saying that ASD people, especially the males, should fuck off and go die in a ditch, rather than infect the rest of society with their presence) is really just speaking against assholes, and trying to use ASD as a scapegoat.

 

Example excerpt:
 

Quote

“Sitting in the kitchen in the evening, Harry was verbally unusually cruel. At that time I knew all about the Asperger’s arrogance and uncontrollable urge to belittle anyone who didn’t have his special knowledge and didn’t share his opinions. It was exposed to me almost every day and I had trained myself not to pay attention because it was too stressful for me. But this time he was unusually verbally cruel. He did not respond to my requests to stop, but increased the cruel verbal abuses. He hurt me again and again, and I just knew: I have to tell him. I was exhausted and despaired at trying to understand and cover up for the man I loved and at the same time being abused and belittled.

“I have to tell him,” I thought. And I did. … All I managed to say was, “Harry, I think, you possibly have a disorder called Asperger’s syn…” Smash. He struck me violently. I lay on the kitchen floor and bled. He kept beating me hard. At every stroke he shouted furiously: ‘I’ve never hit you, I’ve never hit you, I’ve never hit you.’

I was terrified. He went on and on, I couldn’t move. He did not stop beating me, until I begged: ‘It is my fault, pleeease forgive me.’

This isn't what Asperger's does to people.  That's called just being a fucking asshole, and in this particular case especially, probably a psychopath.  Anyone on or off the spectrum can do it.  Portraying this as if it were something caused by Asperger's is harmful and insidious.

 

Yes, some people with autism struggle with things like empathy and love, but so do plenty of people without autism.  It paints people with far too broad strokes, and lo and behold -- they end up looking intolerant and bigoted in the process, as is what usually happens when people do that.  What a surprise.

 

I only skimmed the other links but they appear to come off a lot less like harmful anti-autism propaganda.

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Sally
4 hours ago, AshleyJ said:

Hi Shadowblind. This is a terribly painful situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. Has he been diagnosed as being on the spectrum? This is very spectrum-y behavior and would be helpful to consider this as it can shed light on all aspects of your relationship. Are you familiar with The Cassandra Syndrome? Sounds like you have it. Understanding asperger's has helped me to break free from a similarly painful situation once I "got" it. Here, to start: 

http://theneurotypical.com/stress-fatigue-and-emotional-exhaustion.html 

http://heartlessaspergers.com/mindblind-means-they-cant-see-you/

http://karinfriedemann.blogspot.com/2009/12/aspergers-syndrome-wives-need.html?m=1

 

 

Sending you strength and peace. 

Ashley, there are many members of AVEN who have either been diagnosed with Asperger's or who feel that they are.  Posting such possibly prejudiced links is not respectful of them.  

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Serran

I work with ASD daily. They struggle to learn social cues and at times impulse control. So a naturally violent person with it will have more self control issues...

 

However, they can learn self control and anyone that gets violent cant blame the condition. They can blame their personality. Most my ASD students are sweet hearts, who just occasionally say rude things cause they dont understand social rules about dont be overly honest. 

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Philip027
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Boredom always sets in over time.

[citation needed]

 

"Always" is a big claim for you to make.

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AshleyJ
10 hours ago, Sally said:

Ashley, there are many members of AVEN who have either been diagnosed with Asperger's or who feel that they are.  Posting such possibly prejudiced links is not respectful of them.  

I can understand the upset though I maintain that his behavior is autistic in quality and it may help her to move forward if she gains understanding of the scope of that. The truth is the truth. If my insights can spare her some pain, I’m glad I responded. And sorry to those who were offended. 

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AshleyJ
7 hours ago, Serran said:

I work with ASD daily. They struggle to learn social cues and at times impulse control. So a naturally violent person with it will have more self control issues...

 

However, they can learn self control and anyone that gets violent cant blame the condition. They can blame their personality. Most my ASD students are sweet hearts, who just occasionally say rude things cause they dont understand social rules about dont be overly honest. 

Right. Because they lack empathy or the ability to recognize their impact on others. I’m not saying anything new. These traits DEFINE ASD according to “mainstream” researchers, including Hans Aspergers himself. And when these children become adults, they will still lack empathy as a neurotypical knows it, and they have the potential to do stunning things like ask their wife, who they’re not sleeping with, if they can bring home a stripper. The truth is the truth. Due some due diligence in the experience of women in these relationships and you’ll better understand why I was trying to help her. 

 

That said, I am not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water. There are many things to love about aspies but that’s not the point here. 

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Serran
4 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Boredom always sets in over time. its just the way things are. back in the day marriage and social norms prevented people from going elsewhere. no one takes that seriously now so everyone is replaceable because sex is now the most important thing and the key for happiness for many ppl.

Things werent better before. back in the day people would just cheat or make life hell for each other. nowadays they still do it, like when a married couple tries to force the other into asking for a divorce so they can make the other look bad. or when they weaponize their kids.

 

i used to think that the problem was the patriarchy/traditional families then i thought it was sex and promiscuity, now i've realized the problem is ppl and how they look for happiness in instant gratification. the problem isnt even sex.

Uhm. 

 

Boredom doesnt always set in. And most the time, spicing things up (new positions, new toys, lingerie etc) solves boredom. Losing attraction/desire for a spouse is seen as a serious issue for a reason. 

 

Yes, sexual interest goes down with age of a relationship, but it shouldnt disappear. But, if you think all relationships dissolve into cheating or making each other miserable, you have a rather toxic view of relationships in general. 

 

My aunt and uncle have been married since HS (over 40 years) and still adore each other and a weekend away makes them just wanna go home cause they miss each other. 

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Skullery Maid
5 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

 

i used to think that the problem was the patriarchy/traditional families then i thought it was sex and promiscuity, now i've realized the problem is ppl and how they look for happiness in instant gratification. the problem isnt even sex.

What if the problem is unrealistic expectations? If you expect that, in exchange for a relationship, people should let go of new experiences, instant gratification, happiness, exploration... well that's a hell of a lot to give up. Maybe there are a million different permutations, a million different ways people make it work, and maybe it's not entirely accurate for you to retroactively decide that their relationships/ decisions were bad. 

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Sally
3 hours ago, AshleyJ said:

Right. Because they lack empathy or the ability to recognize their impact on others. I’m not saying anything new. These traits DEFINE ASD according to “mainstream” researchers, including Hans Aspergers himself. And when these children become adults, they will still lack empathy as a neurotypical knows it, and they have the potential to do stunning things like ask their wife, who they’re not sleeping with, if they can bring home a stripper. The truth is the truth. Due some due diligence in the experience of women in these relationships and you’ll better understand why I was trying to help her. 

 

That said, I am not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water. There are many things to love about aspies but that’s not the point here. 

My daughter is an adult autistic person, and she does not lack empathy.  Your "truth" is your opinion, and as such does not hold true for all autistic persons.  Nor should it be your mission to warn people about having relationships with autistic people, or any neurodiverse people.  That doesn't constitute "help".  

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Serran
1 hour ago, Sally said:

My daughter is an adult autistic person, and she does not lack empathy.  Your "truth" is your opinion, and as such does not hold true for all autistic persons.  Nor should it be your mission to warn people about having relationships with autistic people, or any neurodiverse people.  That doesn't constitute "help".  

My one ASD student followed another around trying to clean them up and comfort them while they were throwing up. But, yeah, no empathy... <_< 

 

They struggle with social niceties so yeah the comments on the stripper could go over an ASD persons head. But, it could also go over a neurotypical that thought strippers and attraction to them were just FFA allowed. And those abuse stories from the links were just awful, not at all ASD, but just an abuser using it as an excuse. 

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Philip027
Quote

That said, I am not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water.

You're literally doing the same thing as your link and trying to paint ASD people with a single broad brush when it simply doesn't work like that.

 

Quote

The truth is the truth.

Similarly, saying this over and over doesn't make whatever you have to say correct.  It, too, simply doesn't work like that.

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AshleyJ

It is well known and documented that being a neurotypical in a romantic relationship w aspies often has unique and profound implications for the NT. There have been many books written on this topic. See: Alone Together, the work of Maxine Aston, Tony Attwood, Simon Baron Cohen, etc 

 

Of course there are those on the spectrum with empathy.  But there is often a lack of expression of it.

 

I’m not going to argue with you. I have lived it, lived with a parent on the spectrum,  read many books on the topic and consulted with experts in the field who wholly agree with what I’m saying. Of course people would be defensive about it. I get that. But the OP clearly needs help and calling her husband a jerk w no context may not be the full story. 

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AshleyJ
7 hours ago, Philip027 said:

You're literally doing the same thing as your link and trying to paint ASD people with a single broad brush when it simply doesn't work like that.

 

Similarly, saying this over and over doesn't make whatever you have to say correct.  It, too, simply doesn't work like that.

It is the truth. Aspies can unwittingly cause traumatic emotional pain for their NT loved ones. Not ALL of them, but it’s “a thing.” Go look at a message board for NT wives and family members and see for yourself. It’s heartbreaking. That’s not to say any person can’t cause pain or lack empathy. Of course they can. Not the point here. This guy seems clearly on the spectrum and his autism clearly seems to be the reason he is not even faintly aware of her needs and pain.  This is a common dynamic expressly in neurodiverse relationships that is well documented. Go read the “Communication Roundabout” study by Tony Attwood if you want good hard data. 

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Philip027
2 hours ago, AshleyJ said:

This guy seems clearly on the spectrum and his autism clearly seems to be the reason he is not even faintly aware of her needs and pain

Never having even met or spoken with this person before, I'm sure that makes you well qualified to make such a claim, right?

 

Dunno why I needed to find a psych and get a formal evaluation before I could start calling myself Asperger's; clearly, I should have just come and seen you.  Over a random internet forum, even.  No in person consultations required! :rolleyes:

 

I'm done with being lectured about empathy by someone who won't acknowledge that sometimes people can just be jerks, but instead uses that as a justification to try and throw an entire subset of people under the bus.  Yeah, that's real "empathic" of you.  Take your propaganda somewhere else.

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Serran

Can ASD people accidentally hurt people they care for ? Sure. Social rules not being understood can be a struggle. Though, that can happen to other people too. Is it an excuse for the behavior in your links ? No. And to pin those stories on it is prejudice against autism. Abusers come in many forms and some may use that as an excuse, but thats all it is, another excuse from a bad person.

 

No one is really going to argue that ASD means you might say some hurtful stuff. What people are taking exception to are the "lack empathy" arguments and your links blaming physical and verbal abuse on autism (especially those of us with abuse in our past, or experience with ASD people who would never do that). 

 

As for the OPs husband - there is nothing that makes it clear he is on the spectrum. As someone who actually is part of the system that diagnoses autism and identifies it in people (and also grew up with a brother aspie), it takes a whole lot more than one thoughtless mistake that the person feels bad for making and ... can be understandable given the freedoms given in the stripper situations in the relationship thus far. So you are projecting just a bit to just diagnose him with a serious medical condition over being a bit thoughtless. 

 

 

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AshleyJ
3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Never having even met or spoken with this person before, I'm sure that makes you well qualified to make such a claim, right?

 

Dunno why I needed to find a psych and get a formal evaluation before I could start calling myself Asperger's; clearly, I should have just come and seen you.  Over a random internet forum, even.  No in person consultations required! :rolleyes:

 

I'm done with being lectured about empathy by someone who won't acknowledge that sometimes people can just be jerks, but instead uses that as a justification to try and throw an entire subset of people under the bus.  Yeah, that's real "empathic" of you.  Take your propaganda somewhere else.

I said he “may” be. I’m not diagnosing him. I think it is possible. And I still think it is possible. By the same argument, you were diagnosing him as a jerk or an asshole and I am not sure he is either of those things if he is on the spectrum. I think he would simply be unaware of his impact on her if he was. So, either way, I am sorry that my comments offended you. Not my intention. I agree, he may not be on the spectrum!  I think it’s reasonable for his wife to look into as perhaps it could lead to help and understanding if he is. 

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Telecaster68
2 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

...temporarily.

... and then you try something else. The same kind of thing happens in all areas of long relationships - conversations, types of holidays, shared activities.

 

2 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

you dont really know what goes on behind closed doors tho, do you?

And neither do you. But sexuals have an insight into sexual relationships that asexuals don't have, so our speculation is at least more informed.

 

2 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

some people unfortunately see that as lacking love for them and as frigidity or as you being a boring, emotionally stunted perso

It's about in the same league as one person deciding they no longer want any conversation with their partner (and probably not wanting their partner to talk to anyone else, ever). Feeling rejected or that the other person has something lacking would be a perfectly reasonable response.

 

2 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

dont think all relationships are like this just those based on sexual attraction

Very very few relationships are based on solely on sexual attraction. Most include sexual attraction as a deal breaker.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

but the other person doesnt change, just what you are doing with each othe

Why on earth would you conclude that? Everybody changes, all the time. And 'sexual attraction' isn't a phase, it's an ongoing strand of the relationship.

 

3 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Maybe i do.

Maybe you do. How would you know that though? And do you, actually, to get past your inevitable verbal fencing?

 

4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

i have an insight into what a dysfunctional marriage looks like.

From the inside? Between two sexuals?

 

4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

you think me not expecting the other person to give up their individuality for me, not trying to manipulate them and not being possessive or playing mind games with the other person makes it fair for someone to deem me frigid or boring?

Yes because you are, in the strict definition of the word, frigid, and 'boring' is their opinion, to which they are entitled

 

5 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

You just contradicted yourself.

. They might find you boring for many reasons. Your actions have consequences, as do theirs, and them not liking what you've done is always a potential reaction.

 

5 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

You just contradicted yourself.

Nope, There can be many dealbreakers in a relationship - having children, financial responsibility, energy levels, introversion vs extraversion. They don't make the relationship solely about any single dealbreaker.

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Anthracite_Impreza
On 5/21/2019 at 4:26 AM, AshleyJ said:

Holy shit, way to make us autistics look like fucking monsters. Thanks a lot. The very fact one site is called "heartless aspergers" should give this shit away for what it really is - disgusting, anti-autistic propaganda.

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Telecaster68

Heartless Aspergers can be a pretty nasty site, but there are plenty of far more charitable sites and (especially) forums where loving, generous minded NT partners of aspies talk about the problems of an NT/AS relationships. It's not that aspies are deliberately out to cause pain, and there are frequently many upsides - like loyalty, reliability, but the lack of emotional connection simply is a frequent problem. To try to dismiss it is simply black and white thinking, and effectively dismisses the NT partner's needs.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Doesnt really address my point does it

I'm asking you to demonstrate it's worth addressing.

 

2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

s the person who has two live with the two assholes. there's such a thing as red flags and tells.

But a sexual who's been in a relationship with another sexual will know that relationship better than an outsider. There's no way round that.

 

2 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Why am I frigid and boring then?

I just explained.

 

3 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Maybe they are just emotionally stunted and cant bond with other people unless through stupid mind games.

Wanting sex as part of your relationship is emotionally stunted and playing mind games?

 

4 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

funny how people often throw all that in the bin because they other person doesnt "make them happy" (as in, doesnt give them the tingles). Happens so often i have to wonder if its really very few cases.

I'm starting to think you're deliberately misconstruing things now.

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Anthracite_Impreza
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Heartless Aspergers can be a pretty nasty site, but there are plenty of far more charitable sites and (especially) forums where loving, generous minded NT partners of aspies talk about the problems of an NT/AS relationships. It's not that aspies are deliberately out to cause pain, and there are frequently many upsides - like loyalty, reliability, but the lack of emotional connection simply is a frequent problem. To try to dismiss it is simply black and white thinking, and effectively dismisses the NT partner's needs.

I know there are issues, but I read that and was fucking angry. It's truly disgusting to blame abuse on ASD; we are far more likely to be the victims of abuse than the culprits. Kids are murdered by their "care"givers because they're autistic, every single year, and the murderer is usually the one to get the sympathy, "because they were suffering". With parents like that I would imagine the poor kid was suffering too, and they were the one who ended up paying the ultimate price.

 

Sites like this "legitimise" hatred of autistics, and I dearly hope my 11 yo cousin will never come across this sort of thing because he will be heartbroken. He already doesn't want to go to school because he gets outcast and bullied; it feels like nothing's fucking changed since I was at school.

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ryn2

I’m not on the spectrum and still find the linked sites disturbing.

 

Anything that leads to communication issues - which ASD can (not does/will, but can) - has the potential to interfere with relationships.

 

Much of the early research on ASD has subsequently come into question/been overturned, including Asberger’s own work, so I’m not sure his long ago support of what now comes across as rather hateful counts as endorsement.

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Philip027
7 hours ago, AshleyJ said:

By the same argument, you were diagnosing him as a jerk or an asshole

Once again with the sweeping statements.  You're pretty good at those.

 

If you were paying attention, you'd notice I never even commented on this thread prior to responding to you.

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Sally
8 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Much of the early research on ASD has subsequently come into question/been overturned, including Asberger’s own work, so I’m not sure his long ago support of what now comes across as rather hateful counts as endorsement.

As an aside, Asperger worked within the Nazi government in an institution which examined very young children who had diagnoses of either intellectual or behavioral disabilities.   He was responsible for determining whether those children (including those who were subsequently denoated "Asperger's" could be "rehabilitated" to become worthy citizens of the Nazi state.  If they couldn't, they were killed.  He fully accepted that that was necessary for the sake of the party and the state.

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Serran
13 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

...temporarily.

All "new" things are temporary. Luckily, the desire for your partner stays (generally) and the only thing boring is the activity itself... cause its same old. So, occasionally adding a new and cycling around favorites is usually quite enough. 

 

13 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

 

you dont really know what goes on behind closed doors tho, do you? looking at many long married couples in my family from the outside you could say the exact same things, and yet they behave like animals behind closed doors and (mostly) not in the sexual sense. you dont really know if theres cheating or worse going on or not because people can be very discreet about these things when you are seeing only from the outside.

In my family? Yes, I do, actually. My family has few secrets - I know who is sleeping with who, what they like, my mom has shown me hickies and my Uncle tells me about his sex life. I also know who fights and who doesnt. 

 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

 

i dont think all relationships are like this just those based on sexual attraction. for whatever reason people prefer those over stable ones, so go figure. i often wonder if i should start behaving like a sex crazed basket case if i ever want to be in a relationship. it would be as soul numbing as prostitution but so is being alone.

You do realize having sexual attraction and desire for your partner is not the same as basing it on sexual attraction, right? Cause, atm, you are coming off as a bit of an anti-sexual elitist. And also projecting a ... what, bad parent experience (guessing thats the two dysfunctional ones you have to live with?) onto literally every sexual person and their relationships. 

 

It is entirely possible to have a loving, long term, sexual relationship that is monogamous. It is about finding a compatible person, same as any relationship. 

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reimagine stardust

Um, this thread got seriously derailed, yeah.,.. 

 

 

esit: also, the claim that aspergers/autism people lack empathy even if true makes her claim invalid since  considering op’s husband clearly does not lack empathy. 

 

 

 

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reimagine stardust

Um, also, I don’t understand why every is saying the hubby is experiencing sexual attraction, I must have not registered flags? It seemed to me like he liked the way the stripper looked and liked the idea of her dancing, which are things some asexuals can like, right? I mean it is true that he’s expressing attraction to the stripper that he hasn’t expresses for the op. But, I didn’t see it as invalidating his identity of being asexual. 

 

 

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding something. 

 

 

Edit 2: wait omg this thread is a week old I’m sorry I shouldn’t have posted anything....

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SithGirl
On ‎5‎/‎19‎/‎2019 at 7:41 AM, shadowblind said:

But he wouldn’t stop talking about her on the way home, about how gorgeous she was, and how he loved having her all over him, and touching him, and that he couldn’t wait to see what she would do to him when she came over.

 

I couldn’t really put my finger on why this made me upset. When I could finally kind of explain how I was feeling, he said that his attraction to me has always been on a weird wave and that other women are new and interesting, and he doesn’t know why he just doesn’t want to have sex with me with out some kind of stand in first. The only other time he wants me is when he’s drunk.

Ace or not, this would piss me or my partner off. If I was talking about how into someone I was and how much I wanted him all over me, my bf would be jealous as fuck. And we actually have an open relationship but if he started talking about all the sexual stuff the other person did for him I would get incredible upset. I'm not even a jealous person as I'd be more angry that I couldn't make him feel that way.

 

I'm not trying to call into question his asexuality, but fucking heck that seems like someone in denial about their feelings on monogamy. Like when my poly friend is okay with sleeping around but not when her partner also is also sleeping around. It's a serious problem also that he didn't even ask your permission! What kind of closed relationship is it that he's free to just go and invite women back home but you're not allowed to go out at all?

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Serran
8 hours ago, reimagine stardust said:

Um, also, I don’t understand why every is saying the hubby is experiencing sexual attraction, I must have not registered flags? It seemed to me like he liked the way the stripper looked and liked the idea of her dancing, which are things some asexuals can like, right? I mean it is true that he’s expressing attraction to the stripper that he hasn’t expresses for the op. But, I didn’t see it as invalidating his identity of being asexual. 

 

 

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding something. 

 

 

Edit 2: wait omg this thread is a week old I’m sorry I shouldn’t have posted anything....

If a person gets so turned on by strippers that he wants them all over him and that causes a desire for orgasm leading to sex with his wife (which is how OP describes their use of strippers) then that is classic sexual attraction... its different to "they look nice" or " the actions in porn help me masturbate faster, dont much care about the people"

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