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shadowblind

Ace Husband Gets Turned on by Other Women

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shadowblind
2 minutes ago, Serran said:

Do you think it's just getting to the point you can't handle him needing excitement over other women to be sexual with you, rather than him really changing that much towards the other women? Or, maybe as you do it more, he's just getting more comfortable with it and thus expressing what he has always felt and so to him it's not any different, so he's not getting why it's a big deal for you now? I can imagine it is kind of emotionally draining wanting to be wanted by your husband, but he wants other people instead and can't be with you that way without them. I understand some people are into non-monogamy, but usually they are still attracted to their partners, whereas he's lost his to you and still has it for others. So, it could be you're a lot more sensitive to it than you used to be? 

I really have no clue. I think I’m just exhausted trying to figure what else I can possibly do. I’ve told him that I think he’s just more attracted to other women, and he denies it, but then shit like this happens. I’ve given him several opportunities to go and sow some wild oats, just please come home so we can keep talking about this and how we can solve it.

 

Thanks for the online suggestion, I’ll take a look at that.

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shadowblind

@Sally Thank you! I’ve been saying this to him for literal years now, and I don’t know why I feel like I’m the only one who sees it.

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Serran
2 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

I really have no clue. I think I’m just exhausted trying to figure what else I can possibly do. I’ve told him that I think he’s just more attracted to other women, and he denies it, but then shit like this happens. I’ve given him several opportunities to go and sow some wild oats, just please come home so we can keep talking about this and how we can solve it.

 

Thanks for the online suggestion, I’ll take a look at that.

I don't think there is much you can do about it. He seems to be happy with how things are. He wants to get all excited over his fantasy women, then come to you. You want to be wanted for yourself. 

 

So, if nothing changes and he just isn't attracted to you and never will be in the way you want, but is in other people, can you be happy with that? 

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shadowblind

@Serran Nope.

 

But I also have nowhere to go if we split up. My side of the family is trash, I’ve been a SAHM for the past three years,  and all of my friends are at least 300 miles away. Even if I wanted to leave, my options are very limited. I hate feeling like this, but leaving has its own issues.

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ryn2
18 minutes ago, Serran said:

Or, maybe as you do it more, he's just getting more comfortable with it and thus expressing what he has always felt and so to him it's not any different, so he's not getting why it's a big deal for you now?

...or needing more to still feel like  *this* is sufficiently new?

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Serran
4 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

@Serran Nope.

 

But I also have nowhere to go if we split up. My side of the family is trash, I’ve been a SAHM for the past three years,  and all of my friends are at least 300 miles away. Even if I wanted to leave, my options are very limited. I hate feeling like this, but leaving has its own issues.

Then maybe the first step should be getting to a point you can be independent, so staying or going is a choice and you don't feel trapped? Then work on if you want to stay or not, when you feel like you are free to do it and not staying cause you have to. 

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shadowblind

@ryn2, @Serran

 

I don’t know. And anytime I’ve asked him similar questions, he answers, “I don’t know.”

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ryn2

Whatever his orientation, it sounds like you had a workable compromise before and no longer do.  I’m sorry!  That sucks.

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Serran
Just now, ryn2 said:

Whatever his orientation, it sounds like you had a workable compromise before and no longer do.  I’m sorry!  That sucks.

Does it? Sounds to me more like the compromise was best of a bad situation, given it left OP feeling sad and unwanted and wanting an open relationship that was denied. And now it's just reaching the point of unbearable. 

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shadowblind

@Serran I’ve been kind of subconsciously been doing this. My kiddo starts daycare Monday, now that we can finally afford it, once she gets into the groove, I’m planning on looking for some kind of work.

 

 

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Sally
12 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

@Serran I’ve been kind of subconsciously been doing this. My kiddo starts daycare Monday, now that we can finally afford it, once she gets into the groove, I’m planning on looking for some kind of work.

 

 

Good!!!!!    That would give you a real emotional lift, along with a way to help eventually leave the marriage if that's necessary.   If he is upset about that, tell him that it's your decision.  

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ryn2
19 minutes ago, Serran said:

Then maybe the first step should be getting to a point you can be independent, so staying or going is a choice and you don't feel trapped? Then work on if you want to stay or not, when you feel like you are free to do it and not staying cause you have to. 

...and also so much this!  Whether you get back to an okay, or even good, place or not you will feel so much better with some control over the situation/your choices.

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shadowblind

@Sally

 

I highly doubt I’ll get an emotional lift, I have severe anxiety, no degree, and only experience in food and customer service. The last time I was working I had very regular panic attacks. The monetary security of a paycheck will be very helpful, but it will come at a real cost of my mental energy.

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ryn2

Would you be able to tackle an online degree program?

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shadowblind
Posted (edited)

@ryn2 

 

I can work or I can go to school. I cannot do both. Splitting my time like that has caused me serious issues in the past. And with a kid now, getting back to that always anxious all the time place is not an option.

Edited by shadowblind
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ryn2

Totally makes sense; I’ve really struggled the times I’ve tried to do both at once as well.  Take some time to think about which might work out best for you longer-term... (there’s no one right answer for everyone).

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Sally
38 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

@Sally

 

I highly doubt I’ll get an emotional lift, I have severe anxiety, no degree, and only experience in food and customer service. The last time I was working I had very regular panic attacks. The monetary security of a paycheck will be very helpful, but it will come at a real cost of my mental energy.

But perhaps, this time you would be working for an additional purpose, besides financial.  I understand no degree and anxiety: I have been in the same situation all my life.  You'd be surprised how much you could handle, especially if you had some medical help.  

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shadowblind

@Sally

 

I have medical help, I have had it for a while. The goal does not matter when you have customers screaming in your face all day. The effect is the same. I get that you’re trying to help, but I know my own limitations because I crossed them so many times while working.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

when you have customers screaming in your face all day.

Yeah, that’s why I suggested weighing out degree v. job... you might be able to get to a point where you qualify for a job that’s not customer-facing, and can even be done from home.

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shadowblind

@ryn2 My husband’s paid for all of my classes. I doubt he’d be okay continuing to pay for them if I’m preparing to possibly leave, nor would I be okay accepting that money even if he did. I still have at least three months of classes just to get my Associate’s Degree. So my choices are to get a job and save so I can pay for classes, or save up so I can move out if I need to. On top of that, I just moved to a new state, and can only afford one class at a time until next year. And with the way things are going right now, I might have to leave sooner than I might plan. The money I could spend on classes would be much better used for an apartment if I have to make a quick exit.

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Serran

If you have retail and food experience, try for a job in a public school (elementary level) kitchen. It pays OK, the "customers" arent screaming (they are 3-11 years old and get in trouble for that !) and you know exactly what you are doing each day typically. In my state they are always hiring cause they cant keep workers, since the pay is low, but it would be better than retail for your anxiety. And it can lead to other positions that pay better (reception, library, assistant, etc). Plus regular schedule and weekends with the kid. 

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shadowblind

@Serran Thank you, that’s a great idea.

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Serran
2 minutes ago, shadowblind said:

@Serran Thank you, that’s a great idea.

Welcome. It is what I did when I left my husband of 10 years and needed to start over. Sometimes you can get cheap / free insurance through school systems too, so can be a good starting out job. 

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anisotrophic

@shadowblind I'm sorry to hear about how hard it's been with your husband, it sounds like you tried so much. My partner isn't excited by anything new, there's no point to "spice" (for his sake at least)... I think I'd feel hurt if he were sexually responding to others (including porn, which he doesn't do), and I'd question his asexuality (I'd feel he's simply lost attraction to me). (I appreciate that asexuality *could* still be true but I think people have a right to question their *partners* labels, and rejections of labels, since it's core to their relationship.)

 

And I'm sorry therapy is out of reach right now, it sounds like you (plural) need it. (I think it'd only help if he's on board, indeed from what you've written it seems he's the one that needs it more.)

 

I agree with focusing right now on building yourself up! It sounds like you have a start & folks here giving helpful advice. (So cool to see that @Serran had a specific idea that sounded promising!)

 

Maybe you would feel happier making an internal decision that you're probably planning to move on or separate somehow, in the long run. As @Sally says, additional purpose. :)

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shadowblind

So we talked, and  he was completely on board. He recognized that I was in real pain and he would not stop apologizing for inviting the stripper without talking to me first, he looked like he felt genuinely bad. He looked up therapists nearby within our range, we’re going to set up an appointment later today. He was also very supportive of me finding work to save up just for me, and understood that if things don’t change I have a right to want out. And he was very encouraging of me getting dating apps back on my phone. We have a lot more talking to do, but I’m feeling a lot better already.

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ryn2

That sounds like a productive talk!  I’m glad you feel a bit better.

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anisotrophic

@shadowblind that sounds great! Fingers crossed

 

My partner has sounded supportive of me dating others but I don't have time 😛

 

(Plus he's willing to have sex pretty regularly, we fumble along with that.)

 

I hope we can hear more updates, I hope things keep going better!

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Kharina
4 hours ago, shadowblind said:

So we talked, and  he was completely on board. He recognized that I was in real pain and he would not stop apologizing for inviting the stripper without talking to me first, he looked like he felt genuinely bad. He looked up therapists nearby within our range, we’re going to set up an appointment later today. He was also very supportive of me finding work to save up just for me, and understood that if things don’t change I have a right to want out. And he was very encouraging of me getting dating apps back on my phone. We have a lot more talking to do, but I’m feeling a lot better already.

I am SO glad to hear this :) I hope you are able to find a useful way forward.  I imagine this is an issue that marriage therapists would be very used to supporting with, so I hope it is helpful for both of you.

 

Best of luck for your little one starting nursery too!  Hope it gives you a bit more time and freedom to do things outside the home and make a few connections, it sounds quite lonely that your friends are so far away.

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Serran
7 hours ago, PaganUnicorn said:

Thats always the way it goes isnt it? In every allo relationship... whats the point indeed.

No, that isnt always the way it goes. Most people desire their partner. 

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AshleyJ

Hi Shadowblind. This is a terribly painful situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. Has he been diagnosed as being on the spectrum? This is very spectrum-y behavior and would be helpful to consider this as it can shed light on all aspects of your relationship. Are you familiar with The Cassandra Syndrome? Sounds like you have it. Understanding asperger's has helped me to break free from a similarly painful situation once I "got" it. Here, to start: 

http://theneurotypical.com/stress-fatigue-and-emotional-exhaustion.html 

http://heartlessaspergers.com/mindblind-means-they-cant-see-you/

http://karinfriedemann.blogspot.com/2009/12/aspergers-syndrome-wives-need.html?m=1

 

 

Sending you strength and peace. 

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