Asexuality & Fetishism

[WhereAmI]

Oh god, where to start?  I've landed here after some searching, and now I'm hoping I might find some answers.  Moderators: apologies if I'm posting in the wrong forum (hence the username 😉), feel free to relocate this.

 

I'm over 50 and have always identified as a cis-gendered gay male with a strong fetish for leather gloves.  Sex has always been a charged and frankly shameful topic for me, initially because of an early (age 5-10?) obsession with gloves that became sexual, and later with the realization I was gay.  Because I was a "good person", I was uncomfortable with anonymous sex and told myself that I needed to have an emotional connection.  I've had several enjoyable sexual encounters (and several not so), but only two relationships I'd consider "long term".  In my first, I became sexually disinterested after a few months.  I presumed because he "wasn't the one".  Many years later I met my current partner of nearly 15 years.  We're a difficult mix but we love and value each other tremendously.  However, as before, after several months I became less and less interested in sex with him.  As you might imagine, this has become a major strain point in our relationship.

 

So why am I posting about sex in an asexuality forum?  Well, I've been trying to understand what I am.  My fetish remains extremely strong and has expended into general leather sex.  I get very turned on by watching leather porn, but a closeup video of gloves still has the greatest thrill.  My partner has even tried to engage in my fetish with me, which was thrilling yet honestly somewhat embarrassing. So there's this strong sexual component in me.  Yet, I pullback from the idea of sex with him, or anyone really.  The anonymity of Grinder, etc. is intriguing in the abstract but nothing I would actually pursue.  When I see a man I'm attracted to, there is a bit of sexual attraction, but it has never seemed to be as strong as it is for my friends.

 

What brought me in here was a thread about how fetishism can be separate from sexuality.  But is it still true if my fetish is a sexual fetish?  I've beaten myself up for years and spent years in therapy thinking that I'm repressed.  That some part of me is "broken" and I just need to deal with that and then I'll be fine.  My current therapist raised the idea years ago that I might just be asexual.  But I wrestle how I can be asexual if I have sexual fantasies and a sexual fetish.  Can any of you help shed some light on what I'm feeling?  On what I am?  Or as the name I've chosen says, "Where am i?"

[Dreamsexual]

.

[boxed toast]

Lots of people have fetishes for things that aren't strictly sexual. I don't know if that's something separate from sexuality, but I do know there are plenty of asexuals with fetishes.

 

It sounds to me like you would very much like to have sex and involve your fetishes, but embarrassment and society are making it hard for you. Maybe you have some internalized guilt over having anonymous sex? It also sounds like you would enjoy having sexual partners if you could do so without shame. From your post, it does not sound like you are asexual, but obviously reading one post is not enough to know.

[CelesteAdAstra]

Firstly, welcome to the forum! 🍰

 

It's true, fetishes don't necessarily have to be connected to one's sexuality. There are asexuals who enjoy sex for one reason or another. The official definition for asexuality is "not feeling sexual attraction to any person", but this doesn't mean that the person can't enjoy sex or doesn't have a libido. One question you could ask yourself is this: Am I attracted to the person themselves, or only to the fetish? What makes me desire sex with them?

[WhereAmI]

25 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

What I can offer you, though is welcome cake (custom here):

Thank you! I could use some cake about now. (In the literal sense, not the "cake by the ocean sense"). 😀

[WhereAmI]

30 minutes ago, zoenb said:

... It sounds to me like you would very much like to have sex and involve your fetishes, but embarrassment and society are making it hard for you. ...

@zoenb that is exactly the question I've wrestled with for 30 years.  I'd thought I'd found a partner who'd indulge with me.  But I then found I didn't want to. Was it because the fetish is too private? Or because I wasn't into sex?  Now our relationship is on the brink, and Humpty Dumpty can't decide which wall to fall off of.

[WhereAmI]

32 minutes ago, CelesteAdAstra said:

One question you could ask yourself is this: Am I attracted to the person themselves, or only to the fetish? What makes me desire sex with them?

I was kinda hoping you could tell me.

🙄

Sigh. 

[CelesteAdAstra]

Hm, I see. Sometimes these things can be hard to figure out, but I'm positive that you'll find out eventually. We can't tell you for certain what you are, but we'll be happy to help you find it out yourself.

So let's say there were no leather and no gloves involved. Is sex still of any interest then?

 

Asexuality is a spectrum, and there a people who call themselves grey-asexual. This means that they're somewhere in the grey area between sexuality and asexuality. Someone like this could, for example, feel a weaker or less frequent sexual attraction compared to others. Maybe this label could fit you?

[WhereAmI]

Thank you, @CelesteAdAstra, @Dreamsexual, and @zoenb.  Just being able to express myself has helped me frame my thoughts.  And I've been doing some more reading around the site as well.

 

Celeste, your question, while obvious now, hadn't really occurred to me before.  I guess I've seen sex without my fetish to always be a step toward my fetish.  But in and of itself...  I'd have to say "meh".  Looks like people really enjoy it.  And I somewhat enjoy watching people who really enjoy it.  But I myself... not so much.  I think I'd rather have a nice dinner out!  So then, fetish aside, I guess I'd place myself in the gray-sexual zone at least.

 

And from this site I've been reading up and thinking about the distinction between romanticism and sexualism.  I definitely experience an attraction to men, and only men, and then only fairly masculine men.  But my desire isn't to mate/penetrate/receive/etc. but to "be with".  While friends are checking out asses, I'm looking at eyes.  Instead of fantasizing about sex I'm thinking about hugs and holding.

 

So in terms of labels it's looking like homo-gray-sexual romantic fetishist.  Not a big fan of labels, but it is a little more comforting to be able to name it.  Hmm...  I'll need to walk around with it a bit to see how well it fits.

 

Thanks, all, for listening.

[bare_trees]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying because I have a fetish...and sometimes I see it in a sexual way, and sometimes a much more romantic way of connecting to someone.  Sometimes I don't particularly want to involve others in it, but it's hard to decide if that's because I'm embarrassed or I'm ok keeping it to myself at that point in time.  All I can say is don't get too caught up in labels, because sometimes we just defy them, and they limit us instead of helping us understand things better.  Don't worry--you'll figure out and you're definitely not alone.

[oldgeeza]

I guess fetishes affect people in different ways, some need it in their lives, some can live without it, I work the doors of a fetish club once every other month, it's not the sort of thing that I'd participate in, the thought of being tied and restrained just doesn't appeal, but morbid fascination does have me looking on ocasionally just out of curiosity, for some, it's just for fun, for others, it's very much a sexual thing, for others, just living out a fantasy, I imagine many people have secret fetishes, fetishes that they're too embarrassed to mention because they feel society will put them down, but as long as they're not harming anyone, what's the problem? But you also don't want it to be the reason why you have that relationship either, it's got to be more than a fetish based relationship for it to work

[QueenOfTheRats]

sounds like you have a big fetish for leather gloves and you have tried to incorporate it into homosexuality to fit in socially, but your actual fetish is just leather gloves and not as much the other stuff.

[Kayze]

Very much agree with @zoenb 's take.

 

As someone who's a gray-asexual where the "limited circumstance" is my fetish, I can say that I still never desire actual sex from it. That is, I may jerk off to it when I have sexual urges (general libido urges) but any actual attention to genitals loses the sexual interest I had. I don't want sex from it, I just enjoy indulging in it, I masturbate to it (afaik only to porn and by myself), and experience sexual desire feels to act upon my fetish with others. But actual sex involvement? Well, I've had people ask if they could stroke me off while I indulge myself, since I do get worked up from my fetish. I'm... Just indifferent to it? Like, I could take or leave that offer but have no particular interest/desire for it (and likely wouldn't orgasm from it). This has been confirmed multiple times where I've allowed close friends go down on my appendage but it has done nothing to me. Like, it feels great and I'll probably stay hard, but it's just not sexually thrilling to me and I've yet to ever release from it. It's purely for their enjoyment, since sex doesn't offend me exactly. But I'd easily trade for something like a foot massage instead.

Fetishes and masturbation aren't disqualifies for asexuality but sexual desire/lust towards others would be, even if it requires the fetish. I'd personally say trust issues and other usually voluntary values are separate from asexuality, since one can still have sexual attraction but not act on it for whatever reason. Since my complication is that I do get sexually aroused by my fetish and seek my fetishy stuff with others, I'd argue the this sensation is a form of sexual attraction, even if super specific/limited that doesn't result in actual sex. As such, I identify as a gray-asexual.

But as @zoenb concluded, we don't exactly know everything about you to identify you nor should anyone ID someone else. This is merely going off of the limited info given in an isolated way.