sad_pawn Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 It is time for way too long life story I'm gonna be rambly sorry yay so yeah, hello, my name is Maria and I'm from Poland. My life story honestly shouldn't be as long as it is cause I'm only 18. It doesn't have too much with asexuality but. well. not everything does. So, first thing first, I'm an asexual/demisexual person with an active libido. Not sure about my romantic orientation yet, I don't feel I've had enough experience to tell yet. I like art, writing, anime, cartoons, and kinda activism. As for my past... Please note trigger warning for sexual/physical/emotional abuse, pedophilia, sexual abuse of minors, depression, and suicide. In childhood, I had been emotionally/physically abused by my dad. Corporal punishment and outbursts of anger style. It took me years to realize it was abuse. In contrast, it took me a lot less time to figure out that I want to die. I think I've been suicidal from about the age of 8. I thought life on Earth sucked and, being deeply religious, couldn't wait for the afterlife. My suicidal tendencies were mostly expressed by me wishing I would die in an accident before the age of 12. That's about the age I was diagnosed with depression. 12. I had many emotional problems and hated my life. And it wasn't even that bad. I wasn't subjected to much bullying or discrimination. I was feeling somewhat alienated. I'm kind of that weird kid in class, who gets too intense, says inappropriate things... Not that I wasn't a good student, just weird. Too intense, too aggressive... too much. I had friends, but there was a clear distance between us. I cried a lot plus suicidal tendencies. So I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds, plus had some therapy which didn't help much. I've lost my faith around 15 birthday. Non-coincidentally, at that time my depression got a lot worse. Suicide was a sin. But without faith... suddenly, it was a lot more open possibility. Plus I was scared to come out as an atheist to my parents. They were/are very serious about religion. I wasn't afraid of being thrown out, but of being cut off from the internet, when I had most of my friends and people who supported me. I even pretended to go to church every week. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital a month later because of the high suicide risk. At that time I also had delusions and many paranoid thoughts. I wasn't dealing with my loss of faith in any healthy manner. The time spent in the hospital didn't help much, besides alerting my parents that something was wrong. They've become more accepting thanks to being aware of my struggles. I managed to come out as an atheist to them and they (or at least my mother) accepted it. Then comes one of the worsts period of my life. The period when for about half a year I would get into many purely sexual, BDSM relationship with older men online. I was 15/16 at the time. I wasn't coerced into it in any way. I needed validation in my life and didn't care about the risks. "If something bad happens, I can always kill myself." These relationships weren't that sexually gratifying. Mostly emotionally. Although, I would do sexual things (also on camera). Some relationships were better with what I could consider supportive partners, some were very much manipulative and abusive. Thankfully, with time, therapy, and self-reflection, I managed to break out and deal with the need for validation on my own. These days, I'm rather stable, not happy but fine individual. Most of my issues are all about anxiety and connecting with people. I've been struggling with labeling myself for quite some time. I've been jumping from "heterosexual aromantic" to "simply grey" to "something is wrong with me and it is the fault of dissociation/mental issues" to finally accepting my asexuality fully. I made peace with it and I don't think I'd want to have it any other way. I'm not sex-repulsed and I wouldn't mind trying it out one day for real, but it's not something I'm too interested in. I'd love to be in a queerplatonic relationship one day though. Sorry if this was too long and boring and didn't have much to do with asexuality. It's something I came to terms with only very recently. I just thought that how I felt was the norm, mostly because I do have a libido. But with time I've noticed the differences between my peers and people in general if it comes to the way we see the world. I don't face any discrimination in my life, besides the usual expectations of society (my old therapist insisting that I need to experiment before deciding) as well as all THAT DAMN ROMANCE IN ALL MEDIA. But I'm interested in both sharing my experiences as well as learning about others'. So once again, hi everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade F&F Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 Oof. For everything you're going through, and for the journey ahead, I want to extend some cake: That is a lot to handle, and I hope you find your way. It's going to be a long journey, but there are lots of people and support that can help you on your way. Can I suggest you look into meditation? Maybe it can help. It's more than just breathing excercises - it helps find your center and help distance/accept the trials of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
abandoned acc Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 *hugs* welcome to AVEN! i'm so sorry you had to go through all that especially so early in your life but it truly does get better, you're in a place where people know what you're feeling and can help you through it. we also have a tradition of of giving new members cake so here ya go! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 Welcome! It’s okay to ramble, it sounds like you needed to get that off your chest. Link to post Share on other sites
sad_pawn Posted May 18, 2019 Author Share Posted May 18, 2019 4 hours ago, Dreamsexual said: Hello sad pawn (reading your life story makes your username somewhat tragic). Actually, the origin of my username is rather humorous. It's a nickname I was given in my family because often, playing boardgames, I'd just kinda keep quiet or whine how bad I'm doing just to suddenly win. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 On 5/18/2019 at 11:56 AM, sad_pawn said: Actually, the origin of my username is rather humorous. It's a nickname I was given in my family because often, playing boardgames, I'd just kinda keep quiet or whine how bad I'm doing just to suddenly win. . . Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 16 hours ago, sad_pawn said: Sorry if this was too long and boring and didn't have much to do with asexuality. don't be sorry, it's important to express yourself. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Welcome to Aven, Dons mod hat While I'm here, I'd like to point out a number of useful threads and places on the AVEN. Most important is the site Terms of Service (ToS). I suggest you read them over and feel free to PM me or another mod or admin if you have any questions. Same goes for general forum questions (and you can also use this thread if you'd prefer). That said, if you have any questions about a specific forum, you should ask the moderator of that forum (you can find a list of who mods where here). I'd also recommend poking around each forum to see what each one is about if you haven't already -- it'll get you used to the site and who the regulars are Here's a few more Welcome-related or newbie links you might find useful: A brief guide to the forums Welcome Lounge mini-manual Asexuality FAQ Welcoming other members Removes mod hat Welcome to AVEN! I hope you like it here Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 18, 2019 Share Posted May 18, 2019 @sad_pawn Welcome to AVEN! In my case, I've never been suicidal, but that's because of the way my mind works, I don't like to cause problems, so I tolerate any that I have. I've suffered a lot of abuse, mostly emotional abuse from my family, but once sexually at 8, from the teenage son of a family friend, and never told them. At around 14, I realised that I'm Asexual when I started hearing sexual comments from my peers and in media and found that they bewildered me, and I only came out to my Dad about 20 years later in February of this year because my family are conservative to the point of scoffing at the LGBT+ community. I've wondered if what happened to me is the reason I don't experience sexual attraction, but I don't believe so. And I'm an Atheist, which I've never told them because they're very religious. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Chess Board Cake, Link to post Share on other sites
Green and Purple Dragon Posted May 19, 2019 Share Posted May 19, 2019 Reading this makes me so sad for you. I can't believe you went through all this, and I pray for you to keep working to get better. On 5/17/2019 at 8:02 PM, sad_pawn said: I had many emotional problems and hated my life. And it wasn't even that bad. I wasn't subjected to much bullying or discrimination. You know, things don't have to be the absolute worst for your sadness to be credited. You've gone through tough experiences, and life can feel like it's kicking you in the face, even if it doesn't appear that way on the outside. To put it metaphorically, just because you're not in a full body cast, doesn't mean your broken arm shouldn't hurt. Remember, you can always ask for help, us fellow asexuals (and demisexuals, grey sexuals, sexuals etc.) will always be here for you no matter what ❤️ Whew, long sad things are painful enough. Time for some cake! https://images.app.goo.gl/wN3D9VCsvgAvxMxbA Link to post Share on other sites
aquariusabandoned Posted May 21, 2019 Share Posted May 21, 2019 I too have gone through some issues (not quite as bad as yours but still tough). I’m 18 years old and was molested at the age of 15 and sexually pressured in my first relationship at the age of 17-18. I identify as an asexual, Demi-homoromantic female. After the molestation, move from hell, and toxic people, I became depressed and developed an ED. When I was 16, I suspected I was at least Demi and romantically somewhere in the LGBT community. At the age of 17 (in October) to April (aged 18) I got involved in a relationship with a trans woman who has manipulative, talked me into attraction I didn’t have, and pressured me sexually. She was also narcissistic and didn’t care about any of my hopes, dreams, or plans. So I got out of it on April 16th, 2019. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 21, 2019 Share Posted May 21, 2019 @aquariusabandoned Welcome to AVEN! I'm sorry about what happened to you, and about what happened in your relationship. I hope things get better for you now. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's an Aquarius Girl Cake, Link to post Share on other sites
SamiLynn Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 Welcome to AVEN 🎂🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted May 22, 2019 Share Posted May 22, 2019 @aquariusabandoned welcome to Aven. You've had to go through a lot, I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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