Having an asexual partner who masturbates

[Curious partner]

I’ve been with my ace gf for a year and a half and they just recently opened up about masturbating. I don’t know a lot about the ace community because they don’t really like to talk about it, even though they’re loud about being queer. We have sex every couple of months and we discuss every aspect and I try to make sure they’re comfortable with everything and that I don’t cross any boundaries. But I’m curious about masturbation, seeing as they’ve said they just don’t see bodies in that way and don’t every think about sex. I just want to hear both sides to better understand them and how to be a good partner. I also know everybody is different but some insight would be nice. 

[Dreamsexual]

...

[Guest]

You will need to ask her how she feels about it if you wanna know. 

 

Some feel its like a bodily function you just do to get out of the way

 

Some it relaxes

 

Some it feels good

 

Some get turned on by porn or fantasy people but not people IRL

 

Some have a libido and get horny and just want to get off

 

Etc, etc, etc

[Yeast]

I often rely on definitions to understand things. Asexuals aren't supposed to experience sexual attraction. However I've always had a libido to satisfy. This seemed a contradiction. Then I realized that sexual attraction did not extend beyond myself. I satiate myself with pornography but never see myself actually participating in what I am watching. I'm just a spectator enjoying the view. I like chocolate, I like coffee, I like sex - but just by myself.

[MrDane]

On 5/16/2019 at 11:22 PM, Curious partner said:

I’ve been with my ace gf for a year and a half and they just recently opened up about masturbating. I don’t know a lot about the ace community because they don’t really like to talk about it, even though they’re loud about being queer. We have sex every couple of months and we discuss every aspect and I try to make sure they’re comfortable with everything and that I don’t cross any boundaries. But I’m curious about masturbation, seeing as they’ve said they just don’t see bodies in that way and don’t every think about sex. I just want to hear both sides to better understand them and how to be a good partner. I also know everybody is different but some insight would be nice. 

Watch out! Sexual writing sexual stuff. I would see her masturbation and her agreement to have sex with you as two very different things. If it were my partner, then a part of me would like to turn the masturbation into a mutually sexual activity, better known as sex. But perhaps this is in fact not sex to her. And perhaps it would not be nice to exhange it with the real deal. 

If I feel like I have a sex life, then I can masturbate as well, like a supplement or a way of prolonging the good ‘afterglow’ (not directly after! I am to old for that. Maybe a week after) . If I dont feel like I am having a sex life (or when I didnt) then masturbation is a substitute and I then fantasize about having a sex life. (Often not a good experience. Feels a bit shallow. Can backfire into a feeling of worthless selfpity!)

[Liana]

I’ll try to give an idea, though I myself have never masturbated nor do I plan to ever do so (I don’t have anything against people that do though). Asexual is a lack of sexual attraction, meaning you wouldn’t look at people from your preferred gender and feel like doing stuff with them. I am assuming that there are other factors involved with having a desire for sex and orgasm, I remember reading in my textbook this year that the thought of sex is supposed to trigger for sex hormones to be released into the brain as an example. She doesn’t sound sex repulsed since she does have sex with you occasionally. Perhaps her body still seeks release in that form to an extent, while her mind doesn’t go looking for it.

[AspieAlly613]

On 5/16/2019 at 5:22 PM, Curious partner said:

I’ve been with my ace gf for a year and a half and they just recently opened up about masturbating. I don’t know a lot about the ace community because they don’t really like to talk about it, even though they’re loud about being queer. We have sex every couple of months and we discuss every aspect and I try to make sure they’re comfortable with everything and that I don’t cross any boundaries. But I’m curious about masturbation, seeing as they’ve said they just don’t see bodies in that way and don’t every think about sex. I just want to hear both sides to better understand them and how to be a good partner. I also know everybody is different but some insight would be nice. 

This thread discusses the subject.  Fee free to peruse it.

[Philip027]

One analogy I've heard of is that for some people (primarily aces) it's comparable to taking a piss.  Just something that needs to be done periodically, but isn't really connected to other people.  Understandable; most people usually don't want other people present/involved when they're taking a piss, right?

 

On the other hand, ever known some people who don't really like to eat meals alone and will usually try to have company for it?  For some other people (primarily sexuals), expression of their sexuality works more like that instead.  They *could* do it alone, but it's not the same.  The experience is missing something.

 

I don't do the whole masturbation thing, so all of this is just going by things I've heard.

[ryn2]

For me it’s kind of like feeding yourself versus having someone else feed you (when being fed is NOT your kink, and is not medically necessary).  Both ways you’re eventually not hungry anymore (unless you give up out of exhaustion or frustration) but doing it yourself is normally more efficient, more pleasant (you get the correct-sized bites of exactly what you want, exactly when you are ready for them), and less messy.  Also, you don’t have to worry about hurting the person feeding you’s feelings by getting annoyed or not seeming sufficiently grateful.

[pickles.]

On 5/24/2019 at 7:00 AM, ryn2 said:

For me it’s kind of like feeding yourself versus having someone else feed you (when being fed is NOT your kink, and is not medically necessary).  Both ways you’re eventually not hungry anymore (unless you give up out of exhaustion or frustration) but doing it yourself is normally more efficient, more pleasant (you get the correct-sized bites of exactly what you want, exactly when you are ready for them), and less messy.  Also, you don’t have to worry about hurting the person feeding you’s feelings by getting annoyed or not seeming sufficiently grateful.

Amen to all this.

[aquariusabandoned]

I would describe it as an act to feel better sometimes or scratch the itch as a grey-asexual. That’s usually what I do to release tension a little sometimes, but when it comes to anything partnered, it just sounds weird.

[UnicornStudBunny]

On 5/16/2019 at 5:55 PM, Yeast said:

I often rely on definitions to understand things. Asexuals aren't supposed to experience sexual attraction. However I've always had a libido to satisfy. This seemed a contradiction. Then I realized that sexual attraction did not extend beyond myself. I satiate myself with pornography but never see myself actually participating in what I am watching. I'm just a spectator enjoying the view. I like chocolate, I like coffee, I like sex - but just by myself.

This sounds like me in a nutshell

[levelskid]

It's like a bad itch when I do it or using the facilities. I only use erotic stuff to get it to go faster. To me it's like scratching my own back or have someone do it for me. I don't have the energy to find someone to do it, and sometimes they don't get that spot. But for me and the occasional back scratcher, I'll hit the right spot every time.

[anamikanon]

My ace masturbates about twice a week, he recently said. He isn't interested in sex. He used to sort of TAKE an interest while I wanted it. Ironically, when wanting to masturbate used to get "converted" into sex with me (not my demand, his own improvisation), he rarely used to want to masturbate. Now that I don't want sex with him, he masturbates, guilt free pretty frequently from the sound of it.

 

He seems to have a normal libido, just no desire for sex.