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[TMI?] Is It Bad to Fantasize About Someone Who’s Ace?


ichooselove

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ichooselove

Hey guys, I’ve been talking to someone who’s ace for a little while now and I like them a lot. I’m not ace, but they are. They’ve told me before that doing sexual things isn’t for them, and I totally understand that of course. I would never want to put them in a situation that makes them uncomfortable, and I would never ask them to do sexual things with me because I know that is past their boundaries and I would never want to cross them.

I’m a sexual person. When I was dating my ex for more than half a year, we were very sexual together. So, I am still a sexual person, and I have wants, but I do acknowledge that they’re not needs. My username is “ichooselove” because love is what I need, not sex. And love is exactly what I feel whenever that person and I talk because I feel very emotionally connected to them. But I can’t change those wants and fantasies that are there. Also though, I would never act on them in real life of course. But I think sometimes I just feel guilty for wanting those sexual things with them when that’s not what they want, and fantasizing about those sexual things with them when that’s not what they want. So my question is, is it bad to fantasize and masturbate to the thought of someone who is ace and doesn’t want to do those sexual things?

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Dreamsexual

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Scottthespy

Personally, I would say no. I don't believe in policing thoughts, only actions, so in my opinion just thinking about some one that way is fine. Some people might feel uncomfortable knowing that they're being thought of in that way, so I'd be careful about bringing it up.

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Captain Jay

Sounds fairly innocuous to me. I'd say that it wouldn't matter, as long as you don't go out of your way to tell them.

 

(I almost wrote "there's stranger stuff out there", but that would be off-topic... and potentially very awkward.)

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Its OK to have fantasies. I think you should discuss this with your partner though because if you keep it in its going to drive you mad. If he is an open minded person he will understand.

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nineGardens

Honestly, this probably falls under the same ethical category of fantasizing about ANYONE who just wasn't into you.

 

Is it okay to fantasize about someone given that you are not of their prefered gender?

Is it okay to fantasize about someone if you asked them out two years ago, and they said no?

Is it okay to fantasize about someone on the internet, who you have never met?

*shrug*

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Agreed with most everyone above.  What you think about in your own head is your business and yours alone... and feelings aren’t right or wrong.

 

Telling the object of your fantasies about them might anger or upset the person.

 

You might want to put a stop to the fantasies if they start to affect your real-life interaction with the object thereof.

 

But wrong?  Worthy of guilt?  Nope.

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everywhere and nowhere
1 hour ago, Scottthespy said:

Personally, I would say no. I don't believe in policing thoughts, only actions, so in my opinion just thinking about some one that way is fine. Some people might feel uncomfortable knowing that they're being thought of in that way, so I'd be careful about bringing it up.

Exactly what I think. Being sex-averse, I would definitely feel very unpleasant if I knew that someone was having such thoughts about me (which is, however, unlikely, since I'm single, not a very sociable person, and physically unattractive on top of that). So it's most likely a bad idea to share your thoughts with that person. But after all, it's only your business what you think about.

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Fantasies are fine - whatever they are. The one restriction is not letting your fantasies in any way affect your real life.  For instance, I don't fantasize about women who work for me because that might cause me to view them in an inappropriate way in the workplace. 

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AJ Thompson

Yeah, fantasies are fine-just make sure they stay fantasies. 

 

I've actually been the Ace in a similar situation. I told the other person that I wasn't interested but they still got it in their head that I'd eventually want to sleep with them if they just waited me out. They had their fantasies until they convinced themselves that I'd want them. Then there was an argument, years of friendship ruined forever, authorities and a restraining order.

 

Fantasies aren't bad just be careful that they remain fantasies and if the person says they're not interested that's a: "No." not a: "No, until you can convince me otherwise."

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Dreamsexual

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AJ Thompson
Just now, Dreamsexual said:

@AJ Thompson. That sounds a bad and painful situation.  Sorry that happened to you :(

Thanks. I thought I had a good friendship going but nope, just wanted me in their bed.

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anisotrophic

While the act itself harms no one, it can have consequences that @ByeYall! and @AJ Thompson have touched upon.

Personally I don't like doing this if I have strong reason to believe the person in question is going to be upset by it, if they ever knew about it. That's because I find secrecy burdensome: it's sometimes necessary, but I don't want to add to it. That's something @ByeYall! touched on -- and if you "clear" it with someone, it helps address this.

I also fear it will color my behavior towards someone, that's also a disincentive for me.

Finally, my partner identifies as asexual, sex-indifferent and willing to have sex -- with the motivation of making me feel happy and loved. I now rarely fantasize about him, and never about him having desire for me. I just can't. Even though we do have sex still. I feel like @AJ Thompson touched on this aspect: being able to fantasize about something may mean you're having trouble fully accepting reality of a situation, that might be bad for you & the relationship.

In the end you're the judge of consequences. The act itself isn't wrong, but the consequences depend a lot on the person and context.

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ichooselove
1 hour ago, AJ Thompson said:

Yeah, fantasies are fine-just make sure they stay fantasies. 

 

I've actually been the Ace in a similar situation. I told the other person that I wasn't interested but they still got it in their head that I'd eventually want to sleep with them if they just waited me out. They had their fantasies until they convinced themselves that I'd want them. Then there was an argument, years of friendship ruined forever, authorities and a restraining order.

 

Fantasies aren't bad just be careful that they remain fantasies and if the person says they're interested that's a: "No." not a: "No, until you can convince me otherwise."

You're right, and I'm 100% sure that they'll stay fantasies. Also, I'm really sorry about your situation and what happened with them. I wouldn't want that to happen between me and my person, I know that I wouldn't ever want to put them in an uncomfortable situation. It's just a fantasy and I know that it'll stay just that because they aren't up for those kinds of things. I'm not in the mindset that I can convince them otherwise because that is not at all a healthy mindset to be in if I want things to continue with them, which I do, and I'm way into them for their brain rather than their body.

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ichooselove
40 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

While the act itself harms no one, it can have consequences that @ByeYall! and @AJ Thompson have touched upon.

Personally I don't like doing this if I have strong reason to believe the person in question is going to be upset by it, if they ever knew about it. That's because I find secrecy burdensome: it's sometimes necessary, but I don't want to add to it. That's something @ByeYall! touched on -- and if you "clear" it with someone, it helps address this.

I also fear it will color my behavior towards someone, that's also a disincentive for me.

Finally, my partner identifies as asexual, sex-indifferent and willing to have sex -- with the motivation of making me feel happy and loved. I now rarely fantasize about him, and never about him having desire for me. I just can't. Even though we do have sex still. I feel like @AJ Thompson touched on this aspect: being able to fantasize about something may mean you're having trouble fully accepting reality of a situation, that might be bad for you & the relationship.

In the end you're the judge of consequences. The act itself isn't wrong, but the consequences depend a lot on the person and context.

Yeah I totally get what you're saying. I think what you said about the "being able to fantasize about something may mean you're having trouble fully accepting reality of a situation, that might be bad for you & the relationship" caused me to look into myself and my thoughts. I know it'll just stay as a fantasy and just that, I wouldn't ever think about trying to change their sexuality or hoping that it would change. Like I know that there are guys who want to do stuff with lesbians which is just repulsive trying to change them and I would never go about things and me and them like that.

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I can only agree with @anisotrophic. Thoughts and fantasies may be something no one can hear, but they are still existent. It can happen that you don't accept their asexuality. It can also happen that you send out signal subconsciously, maybe the other person won't even realise what they mean but might still feel uncomfortable about it.

 

I say that because I had a comparable situation. Not with being ace, but with being trans. Back then at school, my class knew I was a boy who "was a girl once", because my teachers outed me... (-.-) There was this guy who I actually really liked. I liked his personality and how he looked attractive to me, but since he was straight I never developed any further interest in him. Sadly after getting to know each other better on a class trip HE seemed to like me more and more. He never admitted it, but I noticed he was attracted to me. How he looked at me changed, the sexual jokes we generally made in our group  of friends changed, because his jokes were suddenly about me... and so on. HELL I really don't want a straight guy to like me and I felt so fucking uncomfortable about it. I just felt how he saw a woman in me and was attracted to that impression of me. I tried to talk with him several times, nothing changed. I tried to push him away with aggression, didn't work because my other friends still liked him and I didn't want to push them away too.  After some months I hated him so much that after a joke that was totally not okay, I punched him in his face... -.- 

 

You see, even after years of never hearing anything from him again, I'm still very mad. I'm sure that you, @ichooselove, are not as stubborn as this guy was and since you even registered here to evaluate if your feelings were okay. But... well this is one way how "fantasising about something, the person who it's about wouldn't like" can end.

Your post sounds like you would like to be in a relationship with them, even though it would not be sexual. At least you say you love them. If that's your goal... then I recommend to tell them about your fantasies, carefully. Also saying you accept their asexuality and would never want to change them. Maybe that will make them feel uncomfortable, but maybe they won't mind about that. Maybe loosing them by being honest is better then loosing them after months of relationship because they found out somehow or notices it. But thats something you need to know for your self, of course.

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You dont expect them to act on them, so no it's not wrong. You know, people fantasize about celebrities and their crushes all the time, but don't expect their fantasies to happen. 

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I do it all the time.  I've told my ace partner because I'm completely honest with him.  He thinks it's silly and we move on.  If anything he finds it flattering.  It's not like I act upon it or anything.  It's just me, as a sexual being all...... sexual.  😂

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Dreamsexual

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Just be careful. I find I get much flirtier if a fantasy about my partner is rambling around in my head... which is fine, cause we are sexually involved. But, that not even conscious shift from more platonic to a sexually charged interaction would make a person uncomfortable if they werent into it and I wouldnt even notice doing it at first, nor am i meaning to start anything. Its just the mood those thoughts put me in. 

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AspieAlly613

If you do anything that makes her aware of those fantasies, maybe try to gauge if she's okay with it?

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I would advise you to keep that info to yourself, especially since you know they're ace.

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A fantasy is not real, and can be a safe way to deal with stuff, before actually dealing with things in real life, or perhaps not dealing, as in not doing the thing you fantasize about. Just remember, that the object of your sexual fantasy migth not be interested in hearing or doing anything about it, ever!

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  • 4 weeks later...

As long as you don't put the person in an uncomfortable situation, fantisizing seems fine

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  • 2 weeks later...

Holy hell @Pygmalion just put their finger on something that's been bothering me ever since I came out as ace to my male friend. He's admitted to having romantic/sexual feelings about me over the course of our long friendship. I told him I wasn't interested and that I guess I didn't mind him having them as long as they didn't put a strain on our friendship, but my being ace seems to actively bother him when I bring it up. I wonder if it's exactly what the other folks here have said, that fantasies may point to someone not accepting the reality of the situation. I wish I could talk about my aceness with him. I wish at the least that he had said what @Pygmalion mentioned

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Also saying you accept their asexuality and would never want to change them

I mean, he's never outwardly said anything against my aceness, but he's never told me anything like this and it suddenly just hurt.

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