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The "curse" of being an Ace but not Aro


Dreamfield

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Dreamfield

There are probably many asexual folks around here who are asexual, but not aromantic.

How do you handle such situation?

To me, this is somewhat frustrating (hence the "curse" in the title) since I long for romantic relationship, but the overwhelming majority of people are unwilling to have love without sex, almost to the point of equating these two. The fact that human civilization is obsessed with sex (to an extent to which I was somewhat oblivious until recently) makes this even worse. I am not disgusted by sex, but "only" currently unable to do it, as it is very counter-intuitive to me. I already lost one very long relationship (partially) because of it, and now I'm in a new one which is threatened by the same problem. This time, I decided to seek some medical advice, because there might be some other factors in play that make it harder (no pun intended) for me to manage to do it.

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letusdeleteouraccounts

I’m ace and aro and I don’t know how I feel about it. Some aro people get lonely which is what’s happening in my case. I want a relationship with another ace but imagine how hard that’s gonna be when you have to tell them all that you don’t fall in love. According to the ace survey that’s last been done, only about a fourth of the ace community is also aro. However, the survey does use convenience sampling through Twitter and AVEN so the numbers could very well be off

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I'm lucky enough to be ace and aro.  From what I've read, it is really a challenge to be ace and otherwise.  I hope you can work through it and find a partner.

Hell, even I would like a partner, but I'm just fine flying solo.  I accept the reality of it, and I'm grateful for my dog.

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Duke Memphis

It confuses a lot of people who know (or suspect) I'm ace. To me, a woman is like a cup of coffee. I don't want a woman near what's in my pants, but I'd like to hold a woman, wrap my arms around her, and let her give me a nice feeling inside.

 

My ex-girlfriend was the first person I came out to in real life, and she accepted it. I still love her to this day. When she and I first started dating, everyone in my class was surprised. They thought I was into men, but I'm not even into women in the conventional way.

 

Most people have their orientations aligned, but I don't, which causes a lack of understanding. I'd say that's the worst part of it. How can a woman know I might be romantically interested if she doesn't even know what I'm into or not?

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I think the problem is that aromantic people still long for that kind of long-term connection. And it's so much more difficult to find a platonic relationship like that than it is for me, a heteromantic asexual, to just deal with the sex in a relationship because I love my partner. (It's also easier as a woman, because I don't have to maintain an erection and being hyper-sexual isn't "expected" of me.)

 

Don't get me wrong. It still sucks. It all sucks. Being asexual is making it so much harder for me to attain my dream of having some kind of 1950s household. But I still think being heteromantic is still easier, unless said aromantic person just doesn't care to have a partnered experience at all. 

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BeADreamer
2 hours ago, Star Lion said:

I’m ace and aro and I don’t know how I feel about it. Some aro people get lonely which is what’s happening in my case. I want a relationship with another ace but imagine how hard that’s gonna be when you have to tell them all that you don’t fall in love. According to the ace survey that’s last been done, only about a fourth of the ace community is also aro. However, the survey does use convenience sampling through Twitter and AVEN so the numbers could very well be off

Dude, same.

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7 minutes ago, PaganUnicorn said:

If I may ask... doesn't your partner feel rejected when you do it "just for his sake"? The sexual partners of SPFA complain about that a lot thats why i ask. It's a fear I have too (I've never been in a relationship).

Well, I've always been very careful with how I present it to him. He knows I'm asexual and he knows what that entails, but I still "put on a show" for him and make sure I constantly emphasize his pleasure. I can honestly say something like "I love sucking you off" to him because I do actually enjoy it when he has fun, even if it doesn't really do anything for me. So I just play it all up. Lots of smiles, lots of kisses, I go in with the mentality that as long as I'm there I might as well try to enjoy it. 

 

I never act put upon or grossed out, and I try not to just lie there. I talk dirty to him and do my best to be enthusiastic. In return, he doesn't pressure me when I'm really not feeling it that day, and he tries to keep the sessions shorter for my sake. 

 

He feels a little sad sometimes that he can't do anything to me that I'll enjoy, but he gives very nice massages and I tell him I'll take that any day. 

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Skycaptain

@Dreamfield, you may want to look at the Asexual Relationship forum. There are romantic asexuals who have long-term relationships without sex being involved 

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chairdesklamp

Cards are so ridiculously stacked against me I can't make ANY friends out here, let alone a super-mega-best-friend. I couldn't even if I was allo. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’m pretty much ace, but not at all aro.  It sucks!  I (unknowingly, at the time) went Grimalkin’s route but found it’s really hard to sustain in the face of other relationship issues.  It might work in a relationship where it’s the only, or one of a very few, significant problem(s).

 

Another romantic ace would be the best option, for those who can find one, but I’m AFAB and ace men seem pretty rare (at least where I live).  I have an irl very good ace friend, but she’s AFAB as well (and we’re both heteroromantic).

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7 minutes ago, Muledeer said:

@ryn2 What is an AFAB?

Oh, sorry - assigned female at birth.  Both my friend and I more or less identify as female but are a bit genderqueer.  

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.diva plavalaguna.

I don't really deal with it, either. It doesn't help that I'm essentially a hermit these days. Or that I'm still not sure if I'm even romantic or not. I am in a phase of pining after a relationship/affection right now and it's rough. Everything I think I want is just in my head. I haven't experienced it. I have almost no experience with showing or receiving affection. There is so much I don't know about it and it makes it very difficult for me when it comes to actually being in relationships (even friendships). I don't know if I'm able to compromise, I don't know how I really feel about sex other than that I can't imagine doing it with a real, living person. It's very annoying to be stuck longing for someone like this and simultaneously wondering if that longing is even real. 

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I don't think I'm cursed exactly, I'm actually used to just about everything in my life up to this point being a lonely pursuit

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I don't really "handle" it in any way other than being perfectly fine with being alone.  For me this was never something I treated as an obstacle.

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57 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I don't really "handle" it in any way other than being perfectly fine with being alone.  For me this was never something I treated as an obstacle.

This is where I would like to get to.  Up until recently I’d been in a series of partnerships nearly my entire adult life and “going it completely alone” has a definite learning curve.

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Thing is, I wasn't completely alone before as a result of living with my mom, so I was kinda cheating.  I meant alone strictly in a romantic relationship sense.

 

If I were truly alone (as in, if my mom were to have kicked the bucket), I wouldn't have cared to remain alive.

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I’m alone-alone, as my parents have been dead since the early (dad) and late (mom) 90’s.  The last time I was alone between relationships my mom was still alive, and the last time I was between relationships for more than a few months both my parents were alive.

 

Well, I mean, I have pets.  I’m just human-alone.

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Yeah, pets don't cut it for me.  I don't care for animals, I only wanna interact with humans if anything.

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MiraMeyneth

The whole "curse of loneliness" isn't just confined to romantic aces. There are aro people out there who put a lot of value into human connections like familial bonds or close friendships. Losing a close friend can hurt just as much as any breakup if you invest enough. Squishes can hurt just as much as crushes. The feeling of loneliness is universal.

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3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, pets don't cut it for me.  I don't care for animals, I only wanna interact with humans if anything.

I don’t like pets in place of liking people... it’s two different things.

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Purple Wanderer

Curse. Makes it sound like we're all the dark mysterious brooding  types. 

 

Suddenly its kinda cool...

 

But yeah its hard. Its been a year and a half and I'm yet to find another ace out in the wild. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've recently (within the past year) identified as ace (maybe demisexual). One of my biggest struggles is that I long for a romantic relationship but not sex. I want to have someone who i can go on dates with and cuddle on the couch watching netflix, cook together and sing along to Pandora but it feels almost impossible to accomplish this because most people expect sex with those things. And I don't know if I want sex, the odds are unlikely. And on top of it all I've found that my asexuality makes it difficult for me to figure out if I'm interested in men or women. I just wish it was easier to date. Any suggestions for how to date when ace but not aro?

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I have to agree it can be tough to have  a romantic relationship with someone especially if they aren't asexual too.  A sexual person will most likely not want a romantic relationship without sex since they often use sex as a way to express love.  It's definitely a tough situation for sure.

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verymelancholic

It's almost like a catch-22 situation.

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On 5/14/2019 at 5:13 AM, Dreamfield said:

There are probably many asexual folks around here who are asexual, but not aromantic.

How do you handle such situation?

To me, this is somewhat frustrating (hence the "curse" in the title) since I long for romantic relationship, but the overwhelming majority of people are unwilling to have love without sex, almost to the point of equating these two. The fact that human civilization is obsessed with sex (to an extent to which I was somewhat oblivious until recently) makes this even worse.

It's a curse that's for sure, basically a hopeless situation in my view.

 

Currently I have a scenario where a female I know has dropped some hints that seem to make it clear that she's interested in me.  And actually the feeling's mutual except that when I project things out in my mind I realize that at some point sex (and kissing, which I'm not too crazy about either) would be expected, which is not going to go (or end) well.  So I end up not being responsive to her interest.

 

The other day she made a comment that might indicate she thinks I could be gay.  Even though that's not the case I don't care, I think it's a little funny.  Actually it's kind of a relief, if that is what she really thinks.  Should make it easier for me to avoid making a bad decision that I'll regret later.

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Dreamfield
On 6/7/2019 at 6:45 AM, MaybeImANinja said:

I don't really have any desire to have sex, but i still have sex.

How?

 

I am not sex-repulsed/sex-averse and I am also AMAB, but I am simply unable to do it, no matter how hard I try. It simply doesn't activate because I don't get sexually aroused by anything sexual. I don't even know how to direct my efforts.

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Dreamfield
1 hour ago, MaybeImANinja said:

But you don't need to be aroused to get an erection.

I honestly didn't know about it. I was never able to do it "on demand". Where can I find more info on this?

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