Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Leopard

How to get rid off unwanted sexual attention

Recommended Posts

Leopard

I've been reading a few posts here and felt like I wanted to say something.
Not really comfortable with the label asexual though because i have a mild bit of homosexuality, and even some hint of heterosexuality although not really that interested so I don't think I would call myself bi. Its not like I dont like sexual stuff however. Overall I dont want really want or need a relationship as such with anyone.

I do have though somewhat a asexual vibe thing soo generally im not hit on that often as most others are, maybe the way I dress helps that.
However geeky boys still tend to be attracted to me, and it is a problem if you are doing like techy stuff.
I am fairly attractive looking i think and i can be flirty (in more a cheeky way) and chatty (with ppl i like or even accidentally)  even though im not really interested. And it goes both ways some how. But i still have the cold coolness that usually balances things off or just things become more friendly overtime (even with like some of the more sexual flirty type people). And i kind of act like neutral "gender" wise so it should become apparent to most people.

But there are some people who dont know when to stop.
I've said no or basically no but they dont take no for an answer which is especially annoying with those who are sneaky or seem kind of desperate. I can get rid of people by being a total ass quite well. But is there any better way to get rid of those people interested, ya know in that way? Without being super rude about it. Sometimes i dont pick up on the early warning signs someone is interested or could be interested, so it gets to the point of awkwardness and idk what to say apart from your wasting my time and that kind of thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

Its not easy. Just keep in mind that once you have politely let someone know that you aren't interested, if they continue their behavior has become harassment, and there is no longer any obligation whatsoever for you to continue to be polite. 

  • Like 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Woodworker1968

Speaking as a man, it's easy.

 

Not making eye contact with women has worked 100% of the time for me.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

@uhtred is right, first of all. I spent a previous post raging at people who keep going after being told no, but you say you are perfectly capable of putting your foot down when required, so I'll try to be a bit more chill in this response.

 

Those are terribly awkward situations. I've been in them too, and I never was good at responding to them. The problem, at least to me, is that sometimes people are just kind of hinting, in a way that it is unclear if they are interested. It's just a vibe, but you can't point to any particular thing that you can respond to with 'no thanks'. I think that's what you mean about them being sneaky? I have once said to a guy "I don't know what it is that you do, but interacting with you makes me consider how I can bring up 'asexual aromantic' in a casual conversation."

 

So, from my own experience, but improved because I never handled it as well in the moment: "I don't know if you're flirting, but just in case I wanted to let you know I don't see you like that."  or "I know you're flirting, and I wanted to let you know I'm not interested in you in that way, sorry." As a first gentle thing.

 

For people who don't know when to stop I think the next thing is calling out behaviours like "Don't do that thing (touch me/complement appearance/whatever it is they're doing that constitutes 'not stopping')". I would probably reiterate "not available" and also spend less time with people like that. Just, go blunter and blunter step by step before having to resort to plan-B "total ass" x)

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grimalkin

From a woman who spends a lot of time in groups and social settings full of men, let me tell you, there's no way to get rid of that attention if you're going to keep being chipper, teasing, chatty, etc. 

 

It took me a while of socializing to realize that a lot of my interactions were being mistaken for flirting. When a 20-something woman is laughing at your jokes and teasing you and enthusing about your shared nerdy interests, that seems like flirting. Most men don't get that kind of interaction from women in their everyday lives. It feels like you're going above and beyond the norm for them, so they think it might be interest. 

 

If this is at work, reign it in a little. Be professional. Don't hang out one-on-one if there's any hint of interest there. 

 

If this is in a social circle, spread the word far and wide that you are gay/don't want to date/are asexual. Whatever you're comfortable sharing, get it out there to let everyone know you're "off limits." And again, don't hang out one-on-one with any dudes who seem like they're interested. It feels like you should be able to hang out as friends, but often you're keeping them on the hook.

 

It's important to remember that in society today, the intimacy women have in their friendships is the kind of intimacy that men only get in their romantic relationships. It sucks, and I wish it were easier for men to connect with other guys and be casually intimate, but right now if you start getting too buddy-buddy with a guy they're going to think it's the romantic kind of intimacy because that's usually all they have experience with. 

 

And remember, you should only have to reject a guy nicely once. After that, it's firm no's. Draw your boundaries and stick with them. If someone is trying to escalate the relationship in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and you've already tried saying no, ghost 'em. Don't hang out and don't chat online. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard
Posted (edited)
Quote

 The problem, at least to me, is that sometimes people are just kind of hinting, in a way that it is unclear if they are interested. It's just a vibe, but you can't point to any particular thing that you can respond to with 'no thanks'. I think that's what you mean about them being sneaky? I have once said to a guy "I don't know what it is that you do, but interacting with you makes me consider how I can bring up 'asexual aromantic' in a casual conversation."

Yup that is what I meant really. Very much hinting, at least with this one particular person.  I feel that if i said oh you are flirting, they would be like oh no no no way sort of thing. It got a little more obvious when this guy said I think you're pretty and lets have coffee kind of thing. Tbh even if for some reason I was interested in someone there is no way I would trust someone so pushy so I don't understand it really. And coffee sounds like a lame date. As well as the fact that this particular person is not just like meh but often asks for help with coursework and took advantage of my kindness (another separate issue).  I already sort of replied something rude however hmm. And no reply since. I just wondered if there was anything I could have said better, or ignored sooner. I feel they are like this with other people too generally, a bit pushy and weird. Just it is awkward I will see them in class and also they run a fair lot of the events and meetups so you know I really just wanted to be on neutral terms.

I also did ghost one person not too long ago after hanging out with them, but I hardly like had any reason to continue with them. 

 

I'm not sure what to do with this other person though since we clearly are good friends in a sort of way. I went through some time ignoring them and then they were like a bit meh about it, and I did tell them clearly and I said not interested and that person said I know you already told me..

However more recently I was asked again. I said nope, they actually asked if I was asexual.

I dunno why I have to say i'm asexual or homosexual or something though, when I'm really just not interested 😕 The conversation I was having with this person also made me uncomfortable. I know I could ignore, but this friendship is actually worth something to me because this person understands me well, they were like why not just try but ya know ofc I don't want to. I don't usually hang out one to one however due to this fact. Even saying something mean would come off as friendly at this point. And yeah I don't let this person touch me lmao. The only thing I could think to say was i'm interested in someone else, sort of true but I can't because that person I like is some he knows and I can't risk it being found out. Plus it's not like I want a relationship as I said. Except I am being treated as like "i am relationship shy". 

 

 

 

Edited by Leopard

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

@Leopard If you know you're being flirty, don't do that. The point of flirting is to encourage attention like this. 🤷‍♀️

 

Asking someone out to coffee is a very normal way to express interest. If that's pushy to you, maybe you need to recalibrate.

 

I work with lots of men and have been around men all my life, as @Grimalkin has explained, think about how your behavior feels for them. I'm not excusing individuals who harass, but if you're having a general problem: there are a whole bunch of people that are just looking to connect to others, and you have some responsibility to not miscommunicate if you don't want attention. They're human too. Turn people down, firmly and kindly, and don't do things you know are flirty.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

I hear it is a classic problem that dudes won't hear anything except "I already have a boyfriend" as "no" for some bizarre reason. I think what you want to do is be very blunt and honest. And even if they do get defensive about it and deny it, you can go "Oh, good, we don't have a problem then. I just want to make sure you know I am not available or into you. And you keep giving this flirty impression."

 

If you want to do something other than ghosting, I think bluntness is your only way. "When you say things like that I get the impression you are sneak-flirting and I need you to stop. It makes me uncomfortable." But really, if they don't respect it after you are blunt (being blunt is not rude, btw) then they are not really good friends. Because then they are not just a little confused and shy and mistaken on social skills, they are actively ignoring your wishes and your comfort. Now I am just extrapolating with things I have heard an assume, because the being stuck with someone who doesn't back off is not a situation I've been in. (I am probably also less sociable and not as charming in general, end up around fewer people)

 

1 hour ago, Grimalkin said:

It's important to remember that in society today, the intimacy women have in their friendships is the kind of intimacy that men only get in their romantic relationships.

Off topic, but this is tragic to me. Guys deserve nice friendships too and I want to have the same level of intimacy with my male and female friends, but even I must admit that there are steps I can't take because it is just doesn't really work with all this heteronormative standard in society. Like, how do I reassure male friends about their appearance or self esteem without coming across like I want to fuck them? It is disingenuous to tell a male friend that he looks fine, even though I do not, in face, want to fuck him? Wish I could just love my friends in a way that works for me, without it being taken to wrong way.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pandark
2 hours ago, Woodworker1968 said:

Speaking as a man, it's easy.

 

Not making eye contact with women has worked 100% of the time for me.

This has worked every time for me too. It does get quite boring, though. I mean, I often have a much better time when I approach people in a more open manner.

 

An interesting area to experiment is self-ridicule. A little bit of it makes one seem more attractive. A lot of it quite unattractive. Make it just a bit much and you're relatively safe. Also, people will laugh. Do be careful not to go into clown territory. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jemima
3 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

And remember, you should only have to reject a guy nicely once. After that, it's firm no's.

 

Unfortunately, sexual attention is something I've had to deal with a lot. Guys will pretend to be my friend and then suddenly spring it upon me. Married men and men in relationships are just as keen as single men.

 

I've always been consistently nasty in rejecting guys. I smashed one guys face about 10 years ago, poured coffee, drinks and water on others. I've no regrets. If someone asked me out then I'd be polite, but any touching or grabbing then I turn into a vile bitch.

 

I agree with that above quote, once being nice is enough, after which you must be firm and unapologetic. No means no. If you reject hesitatingly or with a girly smile, it'll invite more advances. Reject with a nasty look.👿

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard
Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@Leopard If you know you're being flirty, don't do that. The point of flirting is to encourage attention like this. 🤷‍♀️

 

Asking someone out to coffee is a very normal way to express interest. If that's pushy to you, maybe you need to recalibrate.

 

I work with lots of men and have been around men all my life, as @Grimalkin has explained, think about how your behavior feels for them. I'm not excusing individuals who harass, but if you're having a general problem: there are a whole bunch of people that are just looking to connect to others, and you have some responsibility to not miscommunicate if you don't want attention. They're human too. Turn people down, firmly and kindly, and don't do things you know are flirty.

I can be flirty but not with everyone (and I don't see the problem tbh if it is done in a friendly way and doesn't like miscommunicate and a lot of the time if i do it it is accidental), in this case I was just nice and offered to help, I just didn't know this person would be such an ass at first because I didn't know them well enough. You gotta talk to people to get to know them and well, initially they seemed ok (i'm not gonna avoid talking to people just because as small chance that it would suck). And well it was pushy since I already pretty much said no and they have asked me to do so many things for them and do this go there etc. This person I mentioned in particular is a bit of an ass to people generally (other people mostly guys would said the same thing), he took advantage of me, though ofc there is the thing I should have realised and stopped dealing with this person quicker. The thing is you can't always be firm and kind, saying firmly no upsets people especially when they ask for reason why. I didn't also know whether they wanted friendship or not they made it ambiguous to me, but at this point even friendship would have sucked, and that mixed with the hint of sexual attraction was too much for me. 

 

It wasn't just the act of asking to coffee but the pushyness, selfishness and general lack of understanding that came with it. Actually most guys are alright to me. Also I find what you said a little bit rude actually even though I am sure I didn't intend it, I don't have much experience around guys of this type  apart from maybe through some of my hobbies, especially because I used to be involved in a more female dominated field where any guys were more respectable and not so geeky or desperate. I don't have a problem generally, just new to this, especially against people who are much older than you it is almost intimidating, where as people of the same age and experience, type it is easier to deal with. I just don't wanna upset people, so ofc I am very much thinking of the other person and for sure I think of them as human so I think it is strange to even point it out, I have problems with people of both sexes/genders (even if different sorts) so I don't exactly categorise like that. I just want my boundaries respected without making drama out of it, and without hurting anyone at least when not needed.

 

Edited by Leopard

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
4 hours ago, Leopard said:

ofc I am very much thinking of the other person and for sure I think of them as human

and yet you characterized the people you complain about with things like...

 

20 hours ago, Leopard said:

 coffee sounds like a lame date.

 

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

so geeky or desperate.

I've had two people fall hard for me out of the blue, and way beyond what you complained about here. One was a love letter (from a young woman) I didn't know well at all; another was a friend who said he wanted to marry me (we hadn't dated or been intimate in any way). They were both good people, trying to communicate in the midst of strong emotions. The second is a successful person in his life now, too, in my opinion, and what he did wasn't lame, geeky, or desperate. He was in love. It comes out awkward and over-the-top.

 

Asking people out is scary for most. I've been there too. Been rejected. Lived both sides of this.

 

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

you can't always be firm and kind, saying firmly no upsets people

Sometimes you gotta upset people as part of being kind. Kindness is about their long term wellbeing. Rejection will hurt most people, but that's unavoidable; sometimes one must be cruel to be kind.

 

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

at this point even friendship would have sucked, and that mixed with the hint of sexual attraction was too much for me

Then don't be friends. Kindness doesn't mean being friends with someone you're unhappy around.

 

I'm not suggesting you sacrifice yourself. I'm not suggesting you endanger yourself. I'm suggesting you respect others. Tell them to move on, clearly, without characterizing them as negatively simply because they experienced attraction you didn't want. Attraction doesn't mean people are desperate or lame.

 

If someone is scary, and communicating attraction inappropriately (eg a boss/superior at work), that's bad. If someone is just a pushy person, and they're a pushy person in a lot of ways: say no clearly to them, and don't feel bad about that.

 

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

I just want my boundaries respected without making drama out of it, and without hurting anyone at least when not needed

You say "just" a lot. Being attracted to you isn't violating boundaries -- although how it's expressed might be. Boundaries must be communicated. Communication might feel like drama to you, but that's life, and hurting people can be a necessary part of boundaries.

 

Being kind doesn't mean being friendly while hiding discomfort, it means being clear and respectful -- and as part of that respectful clarity, sometimes, not staying friends.

 

Finally, I apologize if you're put out by my lack of sympathy. But this post seemed to communicate a sense of complaint about sexuals/men as a category, for terrible crimes like suggesting lame coffee dates. And you made it in the SPFA section, not a great place to run a "sexuals are awful" bandwagon. You're welcome to complain about people in specific, but I'm not a fan of an implication that sexual men are lame or desperate for experiencing and communicating attraction.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard
Posted (edited)

I don't complain about men as a category or women or people inbetween, and really I came here to see if I can strike a balance between upsetting people and having boundary, I am not afraid to stand for myself if I have to. I can't always pick the right word to say and I wanted advice or experience. I make mistakes and we all do. And if anything I was actually kind of sad because I see most people (who seem decent enough) as at least potential friends even if I don't quite end up getting along with them or get with others. I try to put myself out there.

Sure I said stuff that can come across as judgemental and idc tbh but honestly I still imo think coffee is lame for a date (I also hate coffee but thats just personal again) I can see why people do it,  but that doesn't mean I think it is cool I understand if someone put a lot of effort into it, tho well it seems like a really sly way to get someone to date you, but I guess it is to do with the friendship first approach. I was purely being honest. Geeky is not a bad thing sure but also not something I'm used to and I think meh, I just miss people of another type. I know being attracted is not a violation, I am attracted to someone right now, and am having to hide the fact because I want to preserve the friendship.

 

Tbh not interested in your sympathy lol (not here for sympathy as such) just it seems you assumed a lot and also what you say seems to speak more on your behalf on how you feel and it seems you are taking it out on me, because you think I am "this sort of person". It is not relevant to the question asked, if you don't like something kindly point it out, otherwise I will think the same of you being "judgemental". I am sorry if I gave the wrong impression but the way you speak seems very off to me.

Nah what they did was not a crime,and idc really I just wanted to try and treat people better, sexual men are cool or whatever but this wasn't just a sexual issue but a communication one. I never said sexual people are awful? I can be sexual myself, hence I decided to post here. I think you misread into this.

I have had a lot of drama lately and arguments over things hence I point out the drama aspect, but good communication doesn't lead to drama in this sense. I have also on the other hand gotten better at talking to people, and I talk to a very wide range of people, everything is trial and error and I haven't gotten things totally right yet but i'm willing to learn and get better.  I don't categorise people negatively as such just experiences with them that make me see them in a bad light or just want to avoid interaction, I assume all people a good till proven not and even then I don't tend to label people as bad (even the people who abused me back when I lived with them), this is not something I do, because it is about actions and interactions. 

 

Edited by Leopard

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

 

Off topic, but this is tragic to me. Guys deserve nice friendships too and I want to have the same level of intimacy with my male and female friends, but even I must admit that there are steps I can't take because it is just doesn't really work with all this heteronormative standard in society. Like, how do I reassure male friends about their appearance or self esteem without coming across like I want to fuck them? It is disingenuous to tell a male friend that he looks fine, even though I do not, in face, want to fuck him? Wish I could just love my friends in a way that works for me, without it being taken to wrong way.

Yeah I get that sometimes niceness can be taken in the wrong way. Yep I do think everyone deserves close intimacy, not just in relationships and I don't take that men and women can't be friends stuff as such. Though I get it that it can become sexual and stuff or one person can get the wrong idea or have different ideas about what they want.

The thing is interactions can even between the same sex have a possibility to become sexual for one side even though possibly same sex relations more relaxed, or maybe just girls. Idk because I guess I lack that experience. Just think it is nice to have someone to hug without it having to necessarily be sexual, though sexual things with mutual understanding between people who want that is cool. These days more guys hug between each other as friends which is nice though.

Edited by Leopard
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

@Leopard you titled this post "how to get rid of unwanted sexual attention" and then complained about a lame invitation to coffee.

 

If you're finding drama prevalent in your life, I would venture a suggestion that you might be playing a role in encouraging it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dreamsexual

I think this works very differently for men and women.  For most (though not all) men it's usually easy to avoid any unwanted sexualised attention from women, but it seems much, much harder for women to avoid such attention from men.  I think greymalikins post was jolly good advice and hit the nail on the head.  The only other options, IMHO, would be to become deliberately very physically unattractive or just avoid heterosexual male company - but you shouldn't really have to do either.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Acing It
On 5/9/2019 at 5:44 PM, HonoraryJedi said:

Off topic, but this is tragic to me. Guys deserve nice friendships too and I want to have the same level of intimacy with my male and female friends, but even I must admit that there are steps I can't take because it is just doesn't really work with all this heteronormative standard in society. Like, how do I reassure male friends about their appearance or self esteem without coming across like I want to fuck them? It is disingenuous to tell a male friend that he looks fine, even though I do not, in face, want to fuck him? Wish I could just love my friends in a way that works for me, without it being taken to wrong way.

This all the way... but I'm not sure that's possible with sexual people.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dreamsexual

To be blunt, you can't have those sorts of interactions with hetero allo folk who aren't elderly very easily at all, IMHO.

If a bloke tells a woman they look good, she might easily suspect a sexual undertone.  If a woman tells a dude they look good, he might easily think she fancies him.  It sucks, but sex is a constant underlying 'tension' between nearly all male/female interactions.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Acing It
16 minutes ago, Dreamsexual said:

To be blunt, you can't have those sorts of interactions with hetero allo folk who aren't elderly very easily at all, IMHO.

If a bloke tells a woman they look good, she might easily suspect a sexual undertone.  If a woman tells a dude they look good, he might easily think she fancies him.  It sucks, but sex is a constant underlying 'tension' between nearly all male/female interactions.

Sadly (especially for us asexual people), yes.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi
1 hour ago, Dreamsexual said:

but sex is a constant underlying 'tension' between nearly all male/female interactions.

 

1 hour ago, Acing It said:

This all the way... but I'm not sure that's possible with sexual people.

Ugh, I feel like I make a comment about a societal thing I don't like and have it twisted on me. I actually vehemently disagree with this. Sure there is an underlying heteronormative assumptions about what things mean, and it does affect me, but it sure as hell is not a constant tension between me and my friends. It exists, but it doesn't have to be ruinous unless you are talking about weirdos who seriously objectify people.  Once this turns from 'society standard makes things weird' into anything approaching 'the sex will always get in the way' I have an allergic reaction.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dreamsexual

Fair enough, I didn't mean to offend.  :)My experiences have just been different.  You've probably know more mature folk than me :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

@Dreamsexual Hopefully you'll end up encountering some good mature folk as well :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
On 5/9/2019 at 9:44 AM, HonoraryJedi said:

Like, how do I reassure male friends about their appearance or self esteem without coming across like I want to fuck them? It is disingenuous to tell a male friend that he looks fine, even though I do not, in face, want to fuck him?

I think a lot of men take that romantically. Most of this stuff is not about fucking, IMHO, it's about romantic attraction. Which does usually involve sexual attraction, yes.

 

I think characterizing men as jumping from friendship to fucking without giving their behavior a potential (and likely) romantic interpretation isn't helping move us away from male stereotyped roles that you say you want to move away from.

 

Yes, people can be friends with people they might be attracted to. But the major issue in my experience (which is entirely possible to handle, with maturity, it's not drama) is not the potential for sexual attraction. It's romantic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

@anisotrophicPerhaps I am coming across as harsh because I am using the word 'fuck' that would easily be taken as only negative in this space. But that was really only for exaggeration for comedic effect. Lets see if I can explain myself better.

 

Sure there is probably a likely romantic interpretation, and that's usually what's at the core of it when we are talking friendship-situations like these. But also, I was writing what I thought was a short aside (though it has taken over the conversation now) and didn't feel the need to go into detail on the different types of attraction. Besides, this example was about appearance specifically, so yes, I was angling it as thinking it might be taken as sexual attraction. I feel like that is reasonable. Giving people compliments on their appearance is a romantic signal as well of course, but I didn't feel the need to add that, especially since outside of this particular community they are not explicitly separated like that.

 

And the second part actually stands as I wrote it. At least to me, if feels like it is far more acceptable for a woman to tell a woman she looks great just based on aesthetics. But if I say a similar thing to a man, it feels like I'm just leading him on if I am not actually attracted to him. If that makes sense.

 

In no way did I want to say "I say nice thing-> man turns into horndog" and I honestly don't think I did. This is me being worried about how I come across, due to some heteronormative assumptions. This was about me not wanting to give off the wrong signals. Not making any assumptions on whether or not my friends have those feelings for me to begin with. While I didn't expect any answers to the questions in this case, they were not sarcastic either. I want to be a good supportive friend, but in these specific situations, I am not sure how to do that without feeling like I am stepping out of my lane and being inappropriate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi

Back on topic.

 

19 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Sometimes you gotta upset people as part of being kind.

This is true. You can be direct and still kind. It is a kindness to both of you, the way I see it. 1) the person asking you out no longer has to guess. They have a clear answer, albeit not the one they would have preferred. And 2) you have the certainty that you know you have said no clearly. If someone has been told no, and keeps asking, then they are pushy. But if they've been hinting and you've been hinting, and nothing is clear, and then they ask you on a coffee date, then that is the correct thing for them to do. Now, the interest is explicit, and so you have the opportunity to explicitly say 'no' and solve the whole issue. It is a problem if they continue after that, though. And that's when you have reason to actually be rude. If someone asks you out for coffee you can say "That sounds like a date, and so I have to decline. I don't feel that way about you. Sorry." And that is not rude. They might be upset, but that is just the effect of being into someone who isn't into them back. The kindest thing you can do is stop the guessing game. 

 

I reread you posts and wanted to go back to one thing.

On 5/9/2019 at 5:22 PM, Leopard said:

I'm not sure what to do with this other person though since we clearly are good friends in a sort of way. I went through some time ignoring them and then they were like a bit meh about it, and I did tell them clearly and I said not interested and that person said I know you already told me..

Not weird to be a bit meh about being ignored. I would be too. In fact, to me, being ignored by a friend would hurt way more that getting a "hey, friend, this thing you do is making me uncomfortable." Like, yes, hearing that will hurt also. I would be hurt, and then I would manage that on my own and try to fix the thing. Being ignored is way worse, and does not give me the option to figure out what went wrong and how to repair it.

 

Also, if this person says they already know you're not interested, are you sure you are not misreading something? I mean, you are casually flirty, perhaps they are just casually flirty back? Like the way my dad always sounds way angrier than he is, and if I respond with the same tone, he is shocked and wonders why I am being so angry for no reason. x)

 

19 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

If someone is scary, and communicating attraction inappropriately (eg a boss/superior at work), that's bad. If someone is just a pushy person, and they're a pushy person in a lot of ways: say no clearly to them, and don't feel bad about that.

So now I am just quoting back some of anistrophics best advice because there is a lot of good advice in there, but I fear it is being lost in the argument.

 

Since it isn't too clear what the pushy people actually do, there can be a lot of situation, all requiring different responses.

 

For continuous hinting: Cut through the hinting in the nicest way possible. "Hey, it sound like you're flirting, and I wanted to be sure we are on the same page"

For actually asking you on date: explicitly decline, as mentioned before

For actually asking you on a date and continuing to do that after you have explicitly declined: get harsher and don't feel bad.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard

The coffee thing, i'm still uncertain whether it was a date or not, so it confused me. I ended up still talking to that person (the one who asked to coffee) even after that comment I made over text because he caught me after class (yeah shared classes). I sort of talked but avoided eye contact and real engagement but he still like walked along with me as I went home part the way,.

He sent me another text saying nice to see you today and I really don't wanna reply.. because once he starts talking he will continue.

I just don't know what his intentions are since he actually goes round talking to many people bugging them to help him and study with him, idk possibly also hanging out, while I see the other person he is talking to looking really uninterested. It is only when he said stuff like oh you are pretty and I'm really keen and stuff that I felt it could be so, though it could also be a complement sooo.. 

Idk all the smiley face emojis he sends just comes off as a little strange to me, I can't work out his intentions but I can only think non-engagement, it makes me uncomfortable either way. I really don't enjoy the tension with that, and if I don't reply I feel he will come up to me again in class.

 

I also talked about it with the person I was more friendly with and decided it would be best if we keep our distance, it actually helped that I was friendly about that because then we could get to the point. I mean like he wouldn't have minded things with us being totally non-sexual however yeah he did still want romance or a relationship of some sort, something I just wasn't interested in. But I'm glad I was finally able to discuss that properly, I didn't wanna leave it hanging or like cold, now I feel better about that even though very slightly sad. 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leopard
Quote

If you're finding drama prevalent in your life, I would venture a suggestion that you might be playing a role in encouraging it.

Sounds quite aggressive lol but yeah in many cases I chose drama over having to put up with people or issues that I didn't want. So recently I have had a lot of drama that I was not used to dealing with. Off topic but I will mention it for completeness.

For one I had argument with a used to be friend who was making me uncomfortable, he said I was dishonest with him which I was not, and said if you don't like tell me the truth by tomorrow I won't be your friend anymore. So I just ignored him because I don't respond to threats, and I have better people to deal with in my life. As a result I was much happier because I couldn't really take that anymore and I wanted to hang out with others. Maybe I could have just said that but I really found this person uncomfortable, intense and hard to talk with, and we were already drifting away, the argument was just additional. I did try to apologise over text but was ignored. 

 

The other drama I had was just strange, I tried to say hi to this person, often they were awkward about it, but seemed ok with it. Then one time I approach them and start talking but they ignore me purposefully. So I just leave it be. Yet I talk to this persons friend and suddenly she walks off and she comes back after a long time, obviously been crying and still kind of tearful. I have no idea what the problem was.

There was also the fact that I stood up to something in class about people being mistreated that did lead to minor tension between me and some lecturer, not that it mattered.

However I did so because everyone felt bad about it so I decided to do something about it.

None of this is really much to do with sexual tension as such I think though there is always the chance it was involved for at least the first two things. There were a few other minors things too, upsetting people etc. but I resolved most or it wasn't really that important because we moved on etc.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Acing It
Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

 

Ugh, I feel like I make a comment about a societal thing I don't like and have it twisted on me. I actually vehemently disagree with this. Sure there is an underlying heteronormative assumptions about what things mean, and it does affect me, but it sure as hell is not a constant tension between me and my friends. It exists, but it doesn't have to be ruinous unless you are talking about weirdos who seriously objectify people.  Once this turns from 'society standard makes things weird' into anything approaching 'the sex will always get in the way' I have an allergic reaction.

It may not get in the way in your life, but in my long experience it always has. I hope your experience is different.

 

Btw, I don't mean with this that women and men can't be friends but that the quality of the friendship is different than those between people of the same sex - women.

Edited by Acing It
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...