Greymulkin Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Hey there. In an attempt to salvage a marriage of 18 years my wife and I attempted to do some couples counseling, and after airing our grievances the counselor asked if I was asexual? My reply at the time was “I don't know anything about that but maybe?”. After that session I read The Invisible Orientationby Julie Sondra Decker. It changed my life. So many things finally made sense to me. The self-discovery gained within the pages of that book and ultimately the self-love, and self-forgiveness built a foundation for me which strengthened my resolve as my life as I knew it crumbled around me. My wife, my partner and I thought best friend, of 18 years couldn’t handle this new found truth. A woman I stood by despite a history of emotional and physical affairs during the marriage (I used to think the affairs were my fault because I didn’t love her enough or give in to her wanting sex more than I did). A friend I stood by when she was diagnosed and battled mental illness. The mother of my three children. She couldn’t handle my truth. Julie’s book was my bastion in the storm. My reawakening. It was not my fault my wife strayed because I didn’t love her enough or give into sex as often as she wanted. I was not obligated to have sex with my wife to make her happy if it made me unhappy. I did not deserve the disrespect that I was treated with because I didn’t want the same thing “most people wanted”. Most importantly: There was nothing wrong with me. I am ok the way I am. I don’t need ‘help’. There are others out there just like me. The past two months since discovering my truth hasn’t been easy. Talking to friends and family about this can be tricky. Deciding who to tell about this fundamental aspect of my being is confusing. Divorce is messy. But I have been happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I’m rediscovering myself. My relationship with my three teenage kids (who know a lot more about this stuff than I did) has increased tremendously. I am reconnecting with friends and family. I am learning to love my self. And, I am learning to trust myself. I do feel romantic attraction and would like to find someone to share my best self with, some day. I get it will probably be complicated, sex seems to complicate everything. For now I am simply enjoying be me, and that is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
CajunAce Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I'm sorry about what happened with your wife, but I'm glad that you're happier now. Learning more about yourself does really help in the long run! And the younger generations do seem to know more about asexuality and the lgbt+ community in general. Probably because of social media helping them broaden their minds (for better or worse). I was once chatting with my younger cousins and was surprised when they said they knew what asexuality was. They don't know I'm ace, but it made me happy that if I ever do tell them, I won't have to give a Ted talk about it 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! I'm sorry to hear about your marriage ending, but I'm happy that you've found yourself. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Dungeons and Dragons Cake, Link to post Share on other sites
SW1804 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 4 hours ago, Greymulkin said: Hey there. In an attempt to salvage a marriage of 18 years my wife and I attempted to do some couples counseling, and after airing our grievances the counselor asked if I was asexual? My reply at the time was “I don't know anything about that but maybe?”. After that session I read The Invisible Orientationby Julie Sondra Decker. It changed my life. So many things finally made sense to me. The self-discovery gained within the pages of that book and ultimately the self-love, and self-forgiveness built a foundation for me which strengthened my resolve as my life as I knew it crumbled around me. My wife, my partner and I thought best friend, of 18 years couldn’t handle this new found truth. A woman I stood by despite a history of emotional and physical affairs during the marriage (I used to think the affairs were my fault because I didn’t love her enough or give in to her wanting sex more than I did). A friend I stood by when she was diagnosed and battled mental illness. The mother of my three children. She couldn’t handle my truth. Julie’s book was my bastion in the storm. My reawakening. It was not my fault my wife strayed because I didn’t love her enough or give into sex as often as she wanted. I was not obligated to have sex with my wife to make her happy if it made me unhappy. I did not deserve the disrespect that I was treated with because I didn’t want the same thing “most people wanted”. Most importantly: There was nothing wrong with me. I am ok the way I am. I don’t need ‘help’. There are others out there just like me. The past two months since discovering my truth hasn’t been easy. Talking to friends and family about this can be tricky. Deciding who to tell about this fundamental aspect of my being is confusing. Divorce is messy. But I have been happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I’m rediscovering myself. My relationship with my three teenage kids (who know a lot more about this stuff than I did) has increased tremendously. I am reconnecting with friends and family. I am learning to love my self. And, I am learning to trust myself. I do feel romantic attraction and would like to find someone to share my best self with, some day. I get it will probably be complicated, sex seems to complicate everything. For now I am simply enjoying be me, and that is enough. Newbie here too. I echo all these points! Almost word for word, other than I have two dogs, no kids, and have yet to read the book. Must remember to get hold of a copy! X Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Welcome! Self-acceptance yay! Seriously though, I’m glad to hear that you’re happy and have good relationships with your kids Link to post Share on other sites
ghost14 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Divorce is super messy. I'm glad that at least you have the chance to learn more about yourself during this painful time. Welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
wyrdwyrm Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
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