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anisotrophic

What makes it worse than a year ago...

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anisotrophic

I guess it's been a year and three months. My feelings got pretty low last night, this morning too. He asked, "what's different from a year ago?"

I think, as my partner has had the space to be himself, it seems to have become ever more clear that he never did want sex.

I used to count myself as lucky for never having had a major hiatus in our intimacy. But it turns out this has a dark side to it: the more I see he didn't want it, the more comfortable and clear he is about that -- the more I'm increasingly reflecting on over a decade of misunderstanding. The bigger that misunderstanding seems to have been. I thought something represented desire and love and all sorts of positive things... and it didn't. He unintentionally misled me pretty dramatically -- and he agrees with that. Worse yet, I had to ask him to discover this.

How much of my life is composed of acts where I think I'm demonstrating caring for someone, and I think they're caring back... but they're just awkwardly reciprocating out of obligation? They didn't want to be doing that at all? And they won't tell me?

How many people was I intimate with (note: pursuit and initiation were pretty common for me) where they were merely agreeing to it... because it was too uncomfortable to say "no", they didn't want to hurt my feelings? Last night my mood cratered as I started to question the authenticity of so many things, and whether I can trust people in the future. It's not that I never receive acts of kindness, but it feels like that's from the people that know me the least well. My efforts at forming meaningful relationships feel poisoned.

It's not really about sex now, is it.

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Star Lion

@MichaelTannock I think this falls under musings and rantings

 

Also I’m going to be honest, your story was so poetic that I literally couldn’t comprehend it

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J.Adam94

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling and if I could take away some of the pain you feel I would... what I'm about to say may/may not help but a genuinely hope it does - drop me a message if you want to chat more...

As a heteroromantic male I recently came out of a relationship (not very long term) because the little/no sex thing was an issue for her - but fortunately the discussion happened early on and the decision was to end things before the level of attachment got too much...

I would hazard a guess that to start with the feelings were legitimately reciprocated and only over time have those feelings potentially changed and at that point the discussion of feelings can become more difficult as there is more to lose after said period of time....

I have to doubt that given time you will find people you can trust and when you do this feeling you have currently will seem such a distant memory, there will be someone who will whole heartedly appreciate, accept and reflect those efforts of relationship and make you feel your true worth.

The emotional connection to me is by far the most important part of a relationship and that is where a truly meaningful relationship comes from  = so for me it is not about sex..

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MichaelTannock

@Star Lion This isn't one of the forums that I moderate, do you want me to tag the appropriate Admod?

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Star Lion
Just now, MichaelTannock said:

@Star Lion This isn't one of the forums that I moderate, do you want me to tag the appropriate Admod?

You can, I not sure how any of this works 😂 I just know your tag and that you’re a moderator

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Lucinda

This topic is appropriate for this forum, SPFA.

 

Lucinda

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Star Lion
1 minute ago, Lucinda said:

This topic is appropriate for this forum, SPFA.

 

Lucinda

Thanks, I’ll stop co-moding now

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MichaelTannock
2 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

Thanks, I’ll stop co-moding now

I think that would be best. There's a danger of breaking the rule against vigilante modding.

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anisotrophic

Um, yeah. Thank you @Lucinda. This was a reflection on being a sexual partner and the consequences of discovering asexuality in a long term relationship.

 

In particular, reflecting on how a seeming "good" thing (I was never heavily rejected) might have a downside (I'm now distrusting that my interactions with others -- e.g. efforts at friendship -- are wanted by them).

 

Thanks @J.Adam94!

Our emotional and friendship connection is really strong and continues to be, we knew each other first via text -- friends first. (At least I think it is. Now I wonder if I don't know anything anymore.) I think you're right... he was intimate with others too, he was generally indifferent/accommodating and never meant to mislead, he just never thought about whether he wanted what others initiated. I'm sure last night and today is just a new transient low, these are more and more infrequent as time goes on.

What needs to happen is that I stop trying to apply this as an expansive "lesson" in being unwanted & not knowing I'm unwanted. I mean, at this point... I should figure out how to feel like I can make friends and not feel like they're probably fake friends.

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J.Adam94

@anisotrophic I think that something to be taken away from this is that you as a person have done nothing wrong / you are not 'un-loveable' (not even a word but oh well) / and more importantly, you are not alone...

I know from personal experience when it came to being intimate and the initiation of said intimacy I would be on edge and ultimately not be able to continue with it however for others it may be a case of trying to see if it is something that just needs time for them to come around to the idea... ultimately it comes down to talking and being open and honest about expectations,wants,needs,concerns etc...

 

As you say, it is not a reflection on you and as such you need not look at it as a you not being good enough / you being unwanted - i know again from experience that doing that is easier said than done but i assure you that over time you will see that you are worthy of the love etc. that you want and that people are not necessarily  being fake but just trying to discover who they are too... 

 

As I said - here if you want a chat

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ryn2

*hugs*, @anisotrophic...

 

Speaking from the other side of the experience... when you don’t know what it’s like to really, intrinsically want someone sexually, and you don’t realize other people experience the whole thing differently than you do, you don’t realize you’re “only doing someone a favor.”  You just think you’re having sex like everyone else is.

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Philip027

When it comes to things like this (I ran into similar doubts, but not about sex specifically), all you can really do is go by what people say they want, not what you think they want.  The people you interact with are adults too; if they can't put on their Big Boy Britches and learn to speak their mind, it is not on you to try to be a mind reader.

 

As irritating as it can be to not be certain of these things (it essentially amounts to faith, as in belief in the unseen/intangible/unprovable), it isn't your responsibility to know them; it's the responsibility of the other party to communicate them.

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Telecaster68

@anisotrophic

 

Or sounds like you're running into the implications of the rug pull of discovering your partner's asexual - 'if I was deluded about something so visceral and intimate in such s long relationship, how can I trust any of my perceptions'. I had (and have) something similar. It's a bit like discovering you've been cheated on, in that you realise what you thought was solid ground under your feet was just a thin crust, but only because for once, you'd stamped your feet.

 

You're most probably wrong about all the other situations being chimeras too - just rationally, what are the chances of them all being with asexuals who'd rather have sex than have an awkward moment?

 

But it will have rocked your confidence for sure, and the only way to rebuild it is with building bricks of single positive experiences. Which is tricky, in your situation.

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Skullery Maid

Yeah I have that same issue, and yeah it permeates a lot of different life avenues. I think... I think you'll drive yourself absolutely crazy if you try to compare your subjective experience with someone else's in an effort to quantify or equalize them. Two people can say "this is very important to me" and have two very different qualitative experiences. I think the best you can do is find people whose energy and attitude output makes you feel wanted, loved, appreciated, etc... from there you have to trust. Which obviously, very difficult at times. 

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anisotrophic

Thanks @Telecaster68, I think you nailed it. And that I know, on some level, that this "revelation" (with airquotes) isn't a rational generalization for me to be making. I think, sort of related to what @Skullery Maid said, it's tempting to read too much into a specific experience.

This was just one person. And even the miscommunication was limited: he still loves me and cares a ton about me, including being a steadfast source of comfort the last couple days. So I wasn't wrong to think he loved me, and it was natural to think he should also desire me.

On the other hand, @Telecaster68 I'm pretty sure men have trouble performing rejection, in heterosexual contexts at least, it's unusual for them to be solicited. It's probably true I was not particularly wanted in some cases. But surely not all. While it's tempting to paint everything with a universal brush, if I sort out one relationship from another, I know there's some that were inarguably not misleading me regarding their own desires. (Here's a place where having had a FWB in my past helps, haha. No romantic ulterior motives, I think that one must've been for reals. 😂)

@Philip027 you're right. It's silly to get into anxious teenager mode ("do they really mean X?"). Although I think I also have to be realistic about the potential for other motives people will have in relationships (of any sort) with me, for diverse things that aren't about caring about me as a person. But that's OK too, that's just life...
 

5 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

I think the best you can do is find people who's energy and attitude output makes you feel wanted, loved, appreciated, etc... from there you have to trust.

I suspect AVEN has become a place I feel more trust in my interactions and meaning in them -- via anonymity, unburdened of the complexity of other social and professional relationships. :)

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Skullery Maid
25 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

 

I suspect AVEN has become a place I feel more trust in my interactions and meaning in them -- via anonymity, unburdened of the complexity of other social and professional relationships. :)

 

And this is how we end up staying here :wub:

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