Jump to content

My love/hate relationship with being alone.


RobPal

Recommended Posts

Chamomile_Serenity
On 7/13/2019 at 6:53 PM, RobPal said:

Time is something I feel I'm running out of pretty fast. At 40 years old I'm fairly set in my ways and rarely get the chance to interact with others who are like-minded in any way shape or form.

 

I'm at a complete loss of where to go next these days.

Ok, I can't believe I remembered this guy, (I haven't been to this blog in years!) but somehow your words reminded me of this post that he wrote about people over their 40's kinda starting anew. "40years young" one of my mentors would say, and he is in his late 70s! He didn't, (in his own words) really begin to know himself or figure out what he wanted to do with his life or who he needed/wanted in his life until he was in his 40's as well. I respect him greatly, one of the wisest men I've met. I too did not begin to reinvent myself until just recently....and I'm in my mid-30's. My entire trajectory on life has flipped. I'm still awkward. I went to the ACE conference in NYC and was trying play normal so much I needed to nap for days afterwards hahaha! But I don't learn about myself, what I want, who I might like, how to talk to people if I don't have the courage to at least try.  Also, important to note, is that I think it's okay to be who, what and where you are today. It's very powerful to be able to find ourselves "home" within ourselves. Here's the blog: https://getbusylivingblog.com/its-never-too-late-for-success-even-in-your-40s/

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

I want to live alone... but fairly close to people I'm friends with so I can see them when i feel like it. Maybe for lunch. A hug wouldn't be remiss.

Yeah, that would be ideal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity
6 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Heh, that explains why I don't get it, because I never belonged anywhere so I'm used to it. People really are so similar to each other that they can always feel like they belong to some random thing?

 

And this is interesting because brief convos I have  just affirm me that I am weird and I am alone... 😺

 

Thanks, it does. It's always interesting to learn how normal people work 😺

1) I'm not so sure it's that they feel they can, belong to a random thing rather people look to find "connections in passing" and that can inadvertently foster a sense of belonging. The way I see things now, (I'm sure my thoughts will evolve) is that life is made up of many moments. People tend to look for as many happy, good, comfortable, etc. moments as possible. If they can find them if even briefly through a laugh they share through someone else's "lolz" that's a moment that says "see we both thought that was funny even as we type lol with a straight face", as simple as that is, as subtle as tha is,  it can be interpreted as a meaningful moment. If they can find that in saying "down with *insert their most hated American football team*" and someone chimes in with a meme also mocking that team that's a shared moment of connection that comes as quickly as it goes. These type of things are not meant so much to fill us up (that's our own job) but bring balance to the thousands of paper cuts we get in life.

2) Well, I think we're all weird in our own ways to someone from the outside looking in. What matters is whether you see that as something you are content with or not.  I accept my idiosyncrasies just fine...err most days...I'm human.

3) Awesome! I can happily sign off and go read comics now! *joking but also very serious* Also, I honestly don't think there's any one type of normal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
2 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

These type of things are not meant so much to fill us up (that's our own job) but bring balance to the thousands of paper cuts we get in life.

Guess that's the thing. Those minor moments (connections) are so shallow and meaningless that I don't even know how that is supposed to make me feel belonging, especially since I always get paper-cuts from the same people. So again seems to be other way around for me, life is great on it's own as long as I have some minimum civilization and nature standards, while it's other people who cause all those paper-cuts.

How does it work? Life good for me but people are awful, but for normal people, life is all about paper cuts but people are nice to them to compensate?
 

 

27 minutes ago, daveb said:

Yeah, that would be ideal.

Ok, I don't get it, how is that even possible? You people are like million times more social than me, you have million friends and all. And yet it's me who would be happy to live with someone compatible, while you are the ones who want to live alone? How does it work? 😸

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Marcin said:

million friends

Ha! Not hardly!

 

But I have shared living quarters with other people and didn't care for it, so I'm speaking from experience (even though it wasn't in a romantic relationship). I enjoy spending time with friends occasionally, but I also enjoy time alone, especially when I sleep.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
2 minutes ago, daveb said:

But I have shared living quarters with other people and didn't care for it, so I'm speaking from experience (even though it wasn't in a romantic relationship). I enjoy spending time with friends occasionally, but I also enjoy time alone, especially when I sleep.

My experience is from relationship, although I don't think it was actually romantic. In the hindsight we weren't even that compatible and I would be much more picky now, but `living together` part was actually fun. I can live with someone who can be silent, not draining and just be able to do their own things (well, and and some minimum level of trust, but that's obvious). It gives me company to do all those things that can be more fun to do together, like cooking, games, watching movie, cuddling, or even cleaning. And of course there are usually other things that are just more efficient to split between two. I'm also hard sleeper so I don't have issues with others while sleeping, and even if they do happen to wake me up in the middle of the night, I just treat it like a funny event (that's more what cats seem to do though).

Guess everyone is different, so obviously others can have different needs and expectations 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Guess everyone is different, so obviously others can have different needs and expectations 😺

yep :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...
guerreramagica

I've had bad time thinking about those things too "What if...."


It's the worse, some days my anxiety take me to the edge because i'm so afraid of being wasting my best time. It's worse those days that i'm craving for someone to share some intimacy with but  it feels like other people are in... another world, worrying for things that i don't care about so there are days I think that I wouldn't be able to living with someone else; I mean... I want to find a partner not a grow old son to take care of. And I've seen how hard it is.

 

Maybe you should try to chat online with someone with similar interest. Maybe it sound weird but there is a difference in being alone and feel alone. (Does it make some sense? i'm not native on english, sorry) I know i'm not helping you, but at least you are not alone. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
Guest Invisible Pumpkin

I didn't read every post so, sorry if I'm repeating an advice that's already been given. Having said that, these are mines:

 

What I do to "kill" it (the need of having people to talk and so) is to use Twitter, where you can make relative close "pals" or so to say, I have been there for some years, and as a result, I shared my Telegram user and even my phone number to chat more, it's close but not too close, or so to say, I can pick who I reply and when, similar to any other RRSS or even Aven lol, but with plenty choices as there are too many people to interact with and not so much expectation of going private or deeper in the interactions.

 

I would also join (if I could) a painting group/class, there could be small talk before or after the class, but it's not too much. It could be any other type of class anyway, or sports activity, going to a gym or so. This gives the closeness effect as you regularly see the same people, and that may allow somehow to deal better with the "hey, not too close, let's not go too private in the talk, let us avoid the whole romantic talks or the like.

 

Hope you can understand my messy English 😁

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 5/6/2019 at 1:36 PM, RobPal said:

The smallest of things can send my imaginative mind on a path of hating the fact I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life as I'm an aro ace. But then there are others times when I crave and then revel in my alone time.

 

This has been an ongoing mental and emotional battle that I'm struggling to reconcile, and this is the only place I can really talk about it, as I have inadvertently pushed away all the people who might have been good companions in my dilemma.

 

I have embraced my introverted nature but I also see the value, and sometimes enjoy, some selected and small social gatherings. However the expectations attached to socialising, particularly conversations about relationships that everyone else are having, good or bad, tends to leave me staying silent or changing the subject to avoid a conversation I don't wish to have. This results in losing a major strand of connection shared by most people that brings them together in these shared experiences that I will never have.

 

This is such a deeply ingrained issue and I have no idea how to deal with it.

 

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Hello! 

I also struggle with similar conflicts, but my situation is a little different than yours. While I am in a committed relationship with a man who I have been with for seven years now, I constantly have internal conflicts with myself. Yes, I do love the man, but I do not deserve him. He does not know I am ace; however, he is aware that my libido is nowhere near his....I don’t understand why he stays with me. Outside of my romantic/sexual relationship, I have no friends. Like you, I am introverted, but I am selective and prefer small social groups. Hell, sometimes I don’t want to be around people period because I like my own company. I realize that if one day my partner and I were to break up I would be utterly alone. Yes, I have a daughter, but she is going to be 12 in a few weeks and at the moment her own friends are more important than me (which is completely normal and okay). She will one day set out there in the world and be doing her own thing, we aren’t attached at the hip, so when she flys away it’s just my partner and I. 

 

My point here is I have always struggled with making and keeping friends. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, but when I do try I fall short for some reason. I’ve made acquaintances throughout my adult life through work or play dates for my daughter, etc. but for some reason nothing blooms from it. If I am being honest with myself maybe I just enjoy being alone too much, but I also want friends. I don’t need a shit ton of friends. Just one (besides my partner) or two is fine. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can totally relate. I consider myself a natural introvert, although I do enjoy company with a few close friends that I find intellectually stimulating. I don't have much interest in "small talk." I can get pretty nerdy on certain subjects like cars, technology, geopolitics, exotheology (the intersection of belief in extraterrestrials and God), history, etc. If the discussion turns to pop culture (that isn't the 1980s) I tend to lose interest pretty quickly.

 

I think that's one of the reasons I've struggled in my current relationship with my wife. A lot of her conversation is very one-sided (I call her style the "verbal firehose") and tends to be superficial in terms of current TV, or personal experiences. I honestly think I'd be happier alone, and ultimately, that's probably where I'm going to end up, at least in the current context. We don't have any kids, but I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise, as it will make our divorce simpler.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a 33 year old Asexual who is currently stuck in the biggest rut of my life. I have a permanent job yes and whoopee I get paid now but I still have to share my living space with no real chance of getting my own house because they're so expensive. So it's between shared accommodation and living with my mother.

 

To get a car I would need to pass my driving test, which means going with yet another driving instructor who may or may not rip me off before I book my test.  And then once I pass I have to spend every penny of my hard earned cash to keep my car on the road. 

 

That and all the things I used to love doing or have been told "you can't do that right now wait until you get a job then you can do whatever you want" I just don't want to do anymore because I've out grown them and would look weird to others for doing it now or plain don't want to do it. I've lost my passion for it because I kept getting told "no you can't"

 

So I'm basically back to where I was at 5 years old and having to discover who I am, what I like and what I want all over again and that is the scariest thing in the world to me.  Because I am having to put myself out there to find things to live for. Other than being Asexual I have no other piece for my sad little life puzzle in place. So being alone at this point in time is for the best. I don't need to drag someone else into my misery and confusion. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...