Jump to content

My love/hate relationship with being alone.


RobPal

Recommended Posts

The smallest of things can send my imaginative mind on a path of hating the fact I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life as I'm an aro ace. But then there are others times when I crave and then revel in my alone time.

 

This has been an ongoing mental and emotional battle that I'm struggling to reconcile, and this is the only place I can really talk about it, as I have inadvertently pushed away all the people who might have been good companions in my dilemma.

 

I have embraced my introverted nature but I also see the value, and sometimes enjoy, some selected and small social gatherings. However the expectations attached to socialising, particularly conversations about relationships that everyone else are having, good or bad, tends to leave me staying silent or changing the subject to avoid a conversation I don't wish to have. This results in losing a major strand of connection shared by most people that brings them together in these shared experiences that I will never have.

 

This is such a deeply ingrained issue and I have no idea how to deal with it.

 

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As older asexual get older, the  love/hate alone issue gets worse. I'm 49 years old and I STILL  can't find  a balance with I want my alone time but I also want 1-2 good reliable friends in my life.  I think   I develop  blue moments/depression because I can't find a balance. I have my parents and siblings but sometimes  I wish i wasn't mentally alone and I wish I had  friends around.

 

P.S   I never had reliable friends ,acquaintance,  never had husband  and only  had 1 shaky boyfriend so that add to my situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel very fortunate as an older asexual to have to children that I adore. But my son is a seaman is is gone for long periods of time. My daughter is a teenager still at home so I see her daily. I have found comfort in my animals. As I write this my 3 very tiny dogs are laying beside me. I do wildlife rehabilitation so every sping brings lots of baby animals that need a little help. I am grateful that when I sit in my backyard and look around that I'm completely surrounded by trees.  I paint, and read. I miss having conversations over coffee. But at the end of the day I much prefer the wolf over the sheep.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was in a relationship for a long time and, while I do have a few local friends, I let that keep me from pushing to spend evening or weekend time doing things with them.  Now we have all been friends for ages without establishing any off-hours routine and I feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to change that.  They have their own lives!

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I was in a relationship for a long time and, while I so have a few local friends, I let that keep me from pushing to spend evening or weekend time doing things with them.  Now we have all been friends for ages without establishing any off-hours routine and I feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to change that.  They have their own lives!

Yep, I completely understand.

 

It's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation, but it doesn't resolve the matter unfortunately.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if this would suit your tastes, but I find the balance in two ways: random walks in public and volunteering with a sports club.

 

I like being alone for the vast majority of my time outside of work. And I'm lucky to have a few close friends with whom I share a lot of the same interests, so conversation flows and we like to do the same things. They're married with kids, though, and the best of them who is single lives far away, so we don't often hang out. I've found that when I want to get out of my cave, I can pop some headphones on and go for a walk in the neighbourhood or even busy shops and feel that I've 'connected' in a very small way that's satisfying enough. 

 

Some people make a whole day and even weekend at our sports club. I can't do that, but giving a couple of hours a few times allows me the joy of helping others and some social contact with like-minded people (also a lot I don't get on with, who I avoid). The volunteer / shared nature of it means I also don't always have to be there (can take a day off and let my co-coach run things).

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you considered finding ways to socialize that are more aligned with your interests? I have a strong network of people with similar spiritual beliefs and am active in several professional organizations. Volunteering in the community or finding sports or hobby clubs as @robnrdbrd suggested are also good ideas to get yourself out there. And if you choose to fall off the face of the earth for a few months, most people won't care enough to pester you. It's a win-win. Hahaha.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/12/2019 at 5:58 AM, PaganUnicorn said:

 

In other words... you want to connect with other people, but you feel like you can't do so without giving up on your individuality, which makes you shun social contact and isolate yourself, which makes you feel lonely... rinse and repeat?

 

I'm in the same boat as you, but I try to pretend to care about those topics. I don't know the solution to this. My therapist says I need to socialize more so I can relate to people. I can understand people's behaviors and blend in and even relate to some degree but that barrier is always there.

 

I digress; does this make any sense?

Yes, it makes perfect sense. I know how to act all interested, although my patience is wearing obviously thinner these days, but the inane conversations that people have are exhausting to listen to and be a part of. I usually interject with dry humour to summarise the reality in a simple and direct way. There ain't no sugar coating in my comments these days. I would prefer deep and meaningful conversations on a one on one basis with someone with a similar level of intelligence. That is extremely rare these days and I really miss it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/16/2019 at 2:34 AM, DemiDummy said:

Have you considered finding ways to socialize that are more aligned with your interests? I have a strong network of people with similar spiritual beliefs and am active in several professional organizations. Volunteering in the community or finding sports or hobby clubs as @robnrdbrd suggested are also good ideas to get yourself out there. And if you choose to fall off the face of the earth for a few months, most people won't care enough to pester you. It's a win-win. Hahaha.

Thanks for the suggestions, although I'm afraid this isn't the first time it's been offered and it unfortunately doesn't meet the requirements. I think I've spent so much of my life going along with what others want to do in order to maintain some semblance of friendships, that I have lost any interests in anything of my own. So finding like-minded people is difficult when I don't know what interest we would share.

 

I feel like I'm hiding in plain sight most of the time as I don't seem to have any affect on a significant level whether I'm there or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this is my first post. So hello, friends. I am 64, and somewhat thought that when I was this age, I'd be like the Beatles song. Didn't work out that way, and it doesn't bother me. My survival strategy has been to be in groups that meet regularly--weekly is ideal--where we engage in, or talk about, common interests. In my case knitting, progressive politics, dogs, music. But a church would work, too, if I were interested in that. Also going to the Y most days, playing pickleball, doing things at the library. Try one of those, and if it helps, try another.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lost-the-key

I can relate to this.  I have groups of people I talk to and friends, but much of my time is spent alone or with my parents or sibling.  I was without a partner for 4.5 years, then I dated for a couple months and now I am alone again.  I prefer being alone in many ways.  Being without a partner is good, because I am without the obligation to please someone sexually.  But I also lose intimacy and cuddles.  I like having free time to enjoy interests and be with friends.  It’s really not bad once I accepted being alone.  Other people seem to have more of a problem with it than I actually do myself.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity

My first thought when I read your post was 'I wonder if they're an "INT" personality type' (I am too btw) I can totally related. I still struggle with the back and forth but not as much as I used to so I suppose something is working for me. The truth is I learn to take small courageous "micro changes". In a business situation when you hang up a "now open" sign people typically don't come busting your door down. You have to network to get work. The concept translates here too. We just have to do it in a way that stretches us a little bit. How I've been working it out is by learning more about my personality type and reading the different ways I can grow... most of the time I find myself chanting "act normal act normal" in social situations and I say something awkward and feel embarrassed but I realized life has gone on. I constantly battled with "lone wolf and Mr. nice guy" as one of my books on personality types mentioned. Just reading it and having "aha!" moments gave me reason to experiment in social settings on my own terms. Meetup .com became a great place for me to find groups and people with like interests for the times I wanted to be around people. Through those Meetups I've found "mindmates" which I realized was what I desired more than a relationship. People I could trade ideas with and have deep conversations around Idk....quantum physics or debate Jung vs Freud.  I found a science Meetup, I found a dance meetup, heck I even found a meetup for introverts.  Sometimes you meet people who are similar to you and are looking for friendships and relationships with other people who are in the same boat. But you have to make those micro movements. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/24/2019 at 5:53 AM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

My first thought when I read your post was 'I wonder if they're an "INT" personality type' (I am too btw) I can totally related. I still struggle with the back and forth but not as much as I used to so I suppose something is working for me. The truth is I learn to take small courageous "micro changes". In a business situation when you hang up a "now open" sign people typically don't come busting your door down. You have to network to get work. The concept translates here too. We just have to do it in a way that stretches us a little bit. How I've been working it out is by learning more about my personality type and reading the different ways I can grow... most of the time I find myself chanting "act normal act normal" in social situations and I say something awkward and feel embarrassed but I realized life has gone on. I constantly battled with "lone wolf and Mr. nice guy" as one of my books on personality types mentioned. Just reading it and having "aha!" moments gave me reason to experiment in social settings on my own terms. Meetup .com became a great place for me to find groups and people with like interests for the times I wanted to be around people. Through those Meetups I've found "mindmates" which I realized was what I desired more than a relationship. People I could trade ideas with and have deep conversations around Idk....quantum physics or debate Jung vs Freud.  I found a science Meetup, I found a dance meetup, heck I even found a meetup for introverts.  Sometimes you meet people who are similar to you and are looking for friendships and relationships with other people who are in the same boat. But you have to make those micro movements. 

I agree to a certain extent on the actions you've taken although I live in a relatively small city and without really knowing my own interests it's difficult to find a meetup that would be suitable.

 

I've also recently discovered that I have a "Fearful-Avoidant" attachment style which means I want close relationships but not too close, so I end up pushing people away or not letting them get close to begin with. It's a complete contradiction in my behaviour that I'm only now aware of, so need to figure out if I can get some control over it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Jasmine Flowers

I can relate to this topic. 

 

I am alone now, and just indifferent about it.  Sigh

❤️

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity
On 5/25/2019 at 9:39 AM, RobPal said:

I agree to a certain extent on the actions you've taken although I live in a relatively small city and without really knowing my own interests it's difficult to find a meetup that would be suitable.

 

I've also recently discovered that I have a "Fearful-Avoidant" attachment style which means I want close relationships but not too close, so I end up pushing people away or not letting them get close to begin with. It's a complete contradiction in my behaviour that I'm only now aware of, so need to figure out if I can get some control over it.

Ah! Understood. I forget that Meetup isn't always viable when you don't live near a major city. I won't pretend to have all the answers and can only relate via my own experiences, but I too didn't have any particular interest when I finally went to my first meetup, I actually didn't even join the group, another friend of mine suggested I just pick one (so I did) and just showed up. I later learned that wasn't proper meetup etiquette. I just tried a bunch different ones to see if any would stick. I supposed my determination to be around people outweighed my fear, but I also knew that if I made a fool of myself I could just not show up and try another event. That avoidant style will get you though, that's an ongoing battle for me, I think it's great that you're at least aware, that's important first step and because of that, I think you're well on your way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
On 5/7/2019 at 8:36 AM, RobPal said:

[...]This has been an ongoing mental and emotional battle that I'm struggling to reconcile, and this is the only place I can really talk about it, as I have inadvertently pushed away all the people who might have been good companions in my dilemma.

 

I have embraced my introverted nature but I also see the value, and sometimes enjoy, some selected and small social gatherings.[...]

What would you like to do during those social situations? What would you like to talk about?

Not sure if I have similar problem, but for me, it's quite hard to find people who want (or are capable of) to talk on, hmm, deep enough level. For example, I love talking about what we want and what we do or can do to get it. Most people not only can't answer that, they are not even interested in doing that kind of self reflection to begin with... 😸

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/10/2019 at 4:40 AM, Marcin said:

What would you like to do during those social situations? What would you like to talk about?

Not sure if I have similar problem, but for me, it's quite hard to find people who want (or are capable of) to talk on, hmm, deep enough level. For example, I love talking about what we want and what we do or can do to get it. Most people not only can't answer that, they are not even interested in doing that kind of self reflection to begin with... 😸

Yes, I agree. It's all about those deep and meaningful conversations that can last for hours. That's not to say some light hearted moments won't crop up on occasion, but intellectually stimulating conversation is what I strive for and am seriously lacking in my life these days as very few people want to take part in this form of interaction for very long.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is a huge gap between not wanting to associate with people, and having a close friend to share thoughts and time with. It can be hard to jump that division, especially as you get older and in fewer social circumstances. People tend to just piss me off, but I'd really like a close one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat

Might be talking about two different things here. Intellectually stimulating conversation is one. It doesn't really need much closeness in itself I think. Actually, internet seems to be good place to find it. Even this forum, post some interesting topic and I'm sure you will get people to discuss things with.

As for closeness, I think it's harder. For me, trust is super important there, as well as kind of compatibility. To build that, ability to have meaningful conversations is paramount for me. Without that, it's really hard to get to know each other, and last thing I want is to do it by 'trial and error'. I still haven't figured out how to efficiently find people who really value trust (and finding one is just the beginning of course, still have to figure out compatibility). If anyone has any suggestions, please share, I'd be happy to hear them 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity
1 hour ago, Marcin said:

Might be talking about two different things here. Intellectually stimulating conversation is one. It doesn't really need much closeness in itself I think. Actually, internet seems to be good place to find it. Even this forum, post some interesting topic and I'm sure you will get people to discuss things with.

As for closeness, I think it's harder. For me, trust is super important there, as well as kind of compatibility. To build that, ability to have meaningful conversations is paramount for me. Without that, it's really hard to get to know each other, and last thing I want is to do it by 'trial and error'. I still haven't figured out how to efficiently find people who really value trust (and finding one is just the beginning of course, still have to figure out compatibility). If anyone has any suggestions, please share, I'd be happy to hear them 😺

How do you decide whether or not someone values trust? Compatibility...I think it helps to look at it in different ways. Ex. If I'm constantly looking for someone to fit a certain criteria and they fall short of it they are then not compatible vs I'm looking to connect with others and I look for what we can find commonality on. If you like anime, Star Trek, and I don't tea over coffee then we are compatible in that regard. That compatibility may not translate into anything more than us being able to talk about how awesome One Punch Man is, or that Chamomile tea is so calming, etc.. I think that when we open ourselves up to find our definition of "good" in others, we'll then open doors to see more of that "good" show up because we are looking for it...it's a change, perhaps a small shift in our belief that we can in fact find someone compatible. Leaving out the "woo woo" factor, when we look to find our "tribe" we find them and they introduce us to other resources we might not have thought about before we allowed them into our life. This ACE community is a prime example of that. Personally, taking that first step to open an account here has led me to finding more resources for other things I didn't realize I was looking for. I like to think of compatibility the same way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
47 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

How do you decide whether or not someone values trust?

First step would be to see if they want to talk about it, I'm always curious how they build trust with others. I also give people credit of trust, most eliminate themselves very quickly by proving they are unreliable. I don't like this method though, since it makes me feel bad whenever someone disappoints me.
 

47 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I'm looking to connect with others and I look for what we can find commonality on.

This doesn't seem to be working for me. I find one small commonality, and then ten red lights that make me want to run away screaming 😺 So, hmm, maybe I should focus more on weeding out people with whom I will never be able to form any kind of connection?

For example, angry people, I don't think it's possible for me to enjoy company of someone being angry often.

 

47 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

This ACE community is a prime example of that. Personally, taking that first step to open an account here has led me to finding more resources for other things I didn't realize I was looking for. I like to think of compatibility the same way.

Hmm, my experience is different, I haven't found that much here, short of few interesting discussions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Marcin said:

Might be talking about two different things here. Intellectually stimulating conversation is one. It doesn't really need much closeness in itself I think. Actually, internet seems to be good place to find it. Even this forum, post some interesting topic and I'm sure you will get people to discuss things with.

As for closeness, I think it's harder. For me, trust is super important there, as well as kind of compatibility. To build that, ability to have meaningful conversations is paramount for me. Without that, it's really hard to get to know each other, and last thing I want is to do it by 'trial and error'. I still haven't figured out how to efficiently find people who really value trust (and finding one is just the beginning of course, still have to figure out compatibility). If anyone has any suggestions, please share, I'd be happy to hear them 😺

It's a combination of both things. I prefer face to face conversations about complex issues and with a person I know well and trust. It's this level of closeness that I'm looking for.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Chamomile_Serenity
On 6/22/2019 at 9:54 PM, Marcin said:

First step would be to see if they want to talk about it, I'm always curious how they build trust with others. I also give people credit of trust, most eliminate themselves very quickly by proving they are unreliable. I don't like this method though, since it makes me feel bad whenever someone disappoints me.
 

This doesn't seem to be working for me. I find one small commonality, and then ten red lights that make me want to run away screaming 😺 So, hmm, maybe I should focus more on weeding out people with whom I will never be able to form any kind of connection?

For example, angry people, I don't think it's possible for me to enjoy company of someone being angry often.

 

Hmm, my experience is different, I haven't found that much here, short of few interesting discussions.

I see.  Of course I understand where you're coming from because I tend to naturally see all the red flags as well, but then I take a second and third look (sometimes that gets me in trouble) but sometimes I end up finding quirks that are adorable in others and I see them in a new light. Doesn't mean I don't keep boundaries though...rather than weeding out. It is definitely harder to do in practice than it makes sense (in my head) in theory. We're human. Any type of connection we try to make is a vulnerable position to be in, and that's scary for a lot of people.  Also, in my opinion, sometimes short interesting discussions can go a long way in connecting people. I've met tons of people irl (mostly work related events) after only interacting with them via things like Twitter chats and it was like greeting an old acquaintance. At the very least I didn't feel my usual sense of anxiousness because we could at least hold a conversation as we have already before we actually met. I don't know if that helps anything but anyway I believe I get where you're coming from. 

 

@RobPal in my experience that level of closeness is something that only comes with time and after some small victories over my social awkwardness. Def not easy but it is achievable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
1 hour ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I've met tons of people irl (mostly work related events) after only interacting with them via things like Twitter chats and it was like greeting an old acquaintance.

May I ask what do you usually talk about with them? And maybe more general, what good things do you get out of interactions like that? I'm curious, since most people seem to get a lot out of it, while I seem to be the only one who is the opposite.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 7/4/2019 at 2:35 AM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

in my experience that level of closeness is something that only comes with time and after some small victories over my social awkwardness. Def not easy but it is achievable.

Time is something I feel I'm running out of pretty fast. At 40 years old I'm fairly set in my ways and rarely get the chance to interact with others who are like-minded in any way shape or form.

 

I'm at a complete loss of where to go next these days.

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, RobPal said:

Time is something I feel I'm running out of pretty fast. At 40 years old I'm fairly set in my ways and rarely get the chance to interact with others who are like-minded in any way shape or form.

 

I'm at a complete loss of where to go next these days.

Rather the same. I'm very nearly 39 and in the same place. Outside of work environments, finding a social connection with people is just so hard. Even if you can find people, they are often younger, since everyone at this age has forged relationships by now. I feel like I won't be able to connect with people until I'm put in an old folk's home.

 

And frankly, I do really want to live alone. Sharing living space with other adults at this age is hard, when you aren't in a relationship. Finding someone you are comfortable and compatible with is nearly impossible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
Chamomile_Serenity
On 7/3/2019 at 11:44 PM, Marcin said:

May I ask what do you usually talk about with them? And maybe more general, what good things do you get out of interactions like that? I'm curious, since most people seem to get a lot out of it, while I seem to be the only one who is the opposite.

Wow, didn't realize I hadn't signed on here in that long! hmmm we talk about work, causes we care about, share each other's blog posts etc.! Nowadays, I am usually on social media for business networking purposes. It is very rare, but once in awhile I really click with someone and when we meet we can talk for hours about everything but work, those are good times. Introverts paradise is what I originally got out of it. When I was first got into these online spaces, I just wanted to find geeky people I could talk about geeky things with.  In general, I think people just want to belong or rather have a sense of belonging...and brief convos can at the very least affirm that you aren't alone, you're not weird, you're not..."enough" or whatever someone is looking for. Sometimes it simply helps people get through the day, sometimes just the dark and confused moments.  Hope that answers your questions!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I want to live alone... but fairly close to people I'm friends with so I can see them when i feel like it. Maybe for lunch. A hug wouldn't be remiss.

Link to post
Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat
7 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

In general, I think people just want to belong or rather have a sense of belonging...

Heh, that explains why I don't get it, because I never belonged anywhere so I'm used to it. People really are so similar to each other that they can always feel like they belong to some random thing?

 

10 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

and brief convos can at the very least affirm that you aren't alone

And this is interesting because brief convos I have  just affirm me that I am weird and I am alone... 😺

 

11 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

Hope that answers your questions!

Thanks, it does. It's always interesting to learn how normal people work 😺

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...