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My wife is asexual Any support groups for husbands not asexual


Bawden

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Hi, @Bawden.  There are a number of sexual men here who are or were married to asexual women, and they are often supportive of one another... but that’s not the same as a formal support group.  So, I guess it depends on what exactly you are looking for.

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Yes. I would encourage you to send a personal message to me (or any of the other men in this space who might chime in.) In person support groups are very difficult to come by. It’s not that the problem is rare. It’s more that almost no one wants to talk about it in other than an anonymous situation like this. 

 

Two main points: many people here will tell you that communication is key. That’s because those people have a partner who is willing to communicate with them about the situation. Many of us aren’t anywhere near that fortunate. 

 

The second: the situation is probably not going to get better for you. If it’s going to change, it will likely get worse. So the only thing to do is to decide for yourself how you’re going to deal with it. And that’s been a difficult journey for many of us. 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, SCPDX said:

That’s because those people have a partner who is willing to communicate with them about the situation.

...or because they don’t/didn’t and saw the relationship fail as a result.

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

...or because they don’t/didn’t and saw the relationship fail as a result.

Well of course you should *try* to communicate about it. But if you realize after about a decade that trying to communicate about sex is straining your relationship more than just keeping your mouth shut would be, you come to the realization that communication, rather than being of supreme importance, is a tool that is just not available to you. 

 

And even if it’s not available to you, you can *still* try to find a way to work things out. 

 

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Traveler40
17 minutes ago, SCPDX said:

And even if it’s not available to you, you can *still* try to find a way to work things out. 

How and, more importantly, where does it end?  

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22 minutes ago, SCPDX said:

even if it’s not available to you, you can *still* try to find a way to work things out.

I’d argue that without effective communication you (not you, personally) are not so much working things out as unilaterally tolerating them.

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4 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

How and, more importantly, where does it end?  

Probably achieving a more stable acceptance and then waiting it out to when one of us dies and/or I get old enough to no longer care...

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6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’d argue that without effective communication you (not you, personally) are not so much working things out as unilaterally tolerating them.

Could be me personally. 

 

Working things out includes working things out for yourself - particularly if working them out together is off the table. According to my wife, this is *my* problem - mine alone and she’s willing to go to counseling to help *me* get through this (we’re not going to counseling if that’s the case.) So outside of leaving, this is all I’ve got. 

 

So yeah, it is unilateral tolerance unless you can get to unilateral acceptance. Forgiveness is past that. Not sure if I can get there - particularly if my wife is sure that I’ve got nothing to forgive her for. 

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Traveler40
3 minutes ago, SCPDX said:

Probably achieving a more stable acceptance and then waiting it out to when one of us dies and/or I get old enough to no longer care...

That’s a tough existence, and one I’d not opt to accept honestly. We’ve got one shot at life, and I choose to live as fully as possible with the least amount of collateral damage in the process.  Regret and pain associated with change happen, but for me it’s preferable to accepting a life sentence of neglect.

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2 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

That’s a tough existence, and one I’d not opt to accept honestly. We’ve got one shot at life, and I choose to live as fully as possible with the least amount of collateral damage in the process.  Regret and pain associated with change happen, but for me it’s preferable to accepting a life sentence of neglect.

It sure is and as you well know I’m happy for you that you were able to find something more acceptable. It’s getting clear that barring something weird happening, what you have is not in the cards for me and wanting it is not helping me. 

 

But I’m not the first to do this, I won’t be the last, and people can thrive under far worse circumstances. And I need to remember that because the rest of my life is really great, I shouldn’t complain as much as I do. 

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32 minutes ago, SCPDX said:

Working things out includes working things out for yourself - particularly if working them out together is off the table.

Agreed, but it also leaves you at the mercy of your partner’s seemingly abruptly deciding that what always appeared to be fine isn’t.  Not that communication inoculates you against getting dumped but at with it you’re more likely to see the end coming.

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anisotrophic

😕 it's not something I imagine I would put up with, @SCPDX. Although I know it's easy to claim such things when one isn't in the situation.

I'm not sure that I'd manage to be as careful about it as @Traveler40 describes. But with many situations I have been in, including professional ones, I tend to confront issues with directness and sometimes a bit hot-headedly. (Not ideal, but the upshot is that I'm likely to deal with problems that might otherwise have been left to fester.) From what you describe, I don't understand why you want to continue the relationship.

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Dreamsexual

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  • 4 months later...
MiserablyMarried

I’ve been struggling with this for the last 10 years.  Only recently, have I realized that he’s really asexual.  A really nice guy - who is asexual.  

 

Next week, we’ll be married for 22 years.  As a sexual person, l’m REALLY struggling with the death of my sex life because of his decision.  I’m not looking to ‘hook up’.  That would be a temporary and easy solution.  I’m looking for some way of being okay with this.  And I’m REALLY not okay with it.

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My only advice from a >30 year marriage is to give up hope. It *won't* get better.   Decide to accept things are they are, or divorce. Just don't hope, because it will torture you every time that hope is crushed. 

 

 

 

 

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My husband is a genuinely good man and asexual.  @MiserablyMarried - i can relate!!!! But the dilemma is one only you can figure out.  I agree with Uhtred that hoping for change will most likely lead to disappointment. Many of us here have found truth in this fact.  Talk to your partner as much as possible without shame or anger, think and try not to grieve. Look for options.  You are most likely younger than me- I’ve been married almost 30 years😳😬.   You probably have many years left to live!!!    

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@Bawden You've certainly come to the right place. I do believe THIS is your support group, should you choose to accept it. Meeting times are....whenever you need to vent, question or just lurk, I suppose. A lot of the posters on this thread are incredibly helpful, with first-hand knowledge. @uhtred @Traveler40 @SusannaC @anisotrophic are among many others who have shared helpful wisdom (thanks everyone!).

 

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Mysterywriter221

I did some googling and couldn't find a support group offline. However, you do have everyone here to talk to. Maybe you and some other people in your situation could arrange to have a regular group skype session if you feel the support group format would be of benefit? 

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  • 1 year later...

Hi... I’m finding being the partner of an asexual man incredibly hard. How do you not take it personally? My image confidence has hit an all time

low because he doesn’t want me... does it get any easier? 

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On 11/4/2020 at 8:56 PM, Haribo said:

Hi... I’m finding being the partner of an asexual man incredibly hard. How do you not take it personally? My image confidence has hit an all time

low because he doesn’t want me... does it get any easier? 

It really doesn't, at least not in my experience. It actually gets worse.

Some context.

I have been in a relationship with my wife for almost 15 years (11 of them married). Since day one she has been very disinterested with physical intimacy (not just sex) but initially claimed it was just down to inexperience, she was after all a virgin when we first got together. For the first few years I accepted that even though things were difficult, because she promised me it was her own nerves and she was working on it. She convinced me that she truly wanted me in the same ways I wanted her, but there was always something that got in the way. Inexperience. Stress. Not enough sleep. I was too big for her (haha). Things did not improve after the birth of our first child 7 years after we got married, they got worse. During these 10 or so years together we must have averaged sex twice a year, maximum.

Then our second child was born and sex ended entirely for the last 3+ years. The excuses continued, and I believed them because she was my wife. She wouldn't lie to me, right? She just told me to be patient.

A couple of months ago she admitted that she was asexual (after me asking her for must be the third or fourth time). In fact she admitted that she had always been asexual, before we even started dating, and all her excuses were just lies. Now that I realise she never found me sexually appealing I am simply devestated. Of course that depression may also be wrapped up with all the other deceptions I have apparently been the victim of for the last decade and a half.

I truly wish that I hated her. It would make dealing with this so much easier.

 

Don't hold out hope that things will get better. Ask yourself *HOW* they could get better? Do you honestly think your partner will suddenly *wake up* and begin returning your feelings, and fulfill your needs? It's not going to happen. At most you can come to some sort of compromise where they perform their duty to sustain you, but that will only end up breeding resentment.

I've realised that if you are miserable your only hope is to find someone else that will make you happy. At least, that seems to be the way things are going for me. My wife has refused every sort of compromise I can think of and given me the ultimation of either being completely celibate for the rest of my life (forsaking even kissing and affectionate hugging, because both weird her out), or get a divorce. I'm not even allowed to find a sexual partner on the side. Not even if I allow my wife to personally vet them first to see if they are 'suitable'. It's either 100% her way, or this whole family will be ripped apart.

So no, things are unlikely to get better, at best you will lie to yourself that things are tolerable.

I'm only 38. I'm not going to sacrifice another 15 years for someone who doesn't want me. I suggest you consider the same before you wake up one day and realise that you have been taken advantage of.

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  • 4 months later...
Wanting a Solution

Is there anyone in the group that has found a way to make it work?

I’m a woman in a relationship with a man that doesn’t use the term asexual but he sure seems to be.  We get along amazingly well in all areas except sex. He would be fine with zero sexual contact.  I’m definitely not. We have tried couples counseling, he’s getting individual counseling, and seeking medical advice but none of it has helped in this area. It’s causing me extremely low self esteem and some depression.  He feels bad that I’m unhappy but seems to not be able to make himself feel any interest at all. I’m just curious if anyone has any advice? 

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

This thread has been inactive for a  time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies 

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