Interested in conversing but not always enough time

[juliankinsaleva]

😸 Hi all,  I've been on here once before, but then life happened and I didn't have much time to browse some more.  I'll be turning 65 in Aug. so naturally my first interest was to find other Asexuals in the forum for older adults.  I am retired from the work force, but my mate and I (he's luckily another Asexual), are full time care givers for his parents who both have Alzheimers.  They've both really gone downhill in the past month, so I haven't had much time to play on the computer, but at 65, I do know a thing or two about technology and getting around on the Internet.  Luckily for me, both my mate and my youngest son are computer geeks who've been showing me the ropes since the 90's.  Anyway, it is nice to know, as some others on here have written, that I'm not just a weirdo freak (although I do enjoy being "different") and that it isn't because I've been traumatized or anything.  I've just never really care as much about sex as I do about emotional intimacy.  I had to have sex in order to get my wonderful kids, but my ex was always mad because I just didn't seem interested in sex other than to reproduce.  It had a lot to do with the marriage falling apart...not all, but a lot.  I had a lot of crappy experiences along the way to finally sitting back patiently until finally finding the right partner.  We've now been together 14 years this month, and never once had sex, but a lot of wonderful emotional intimacy over the years.  I hope that I'll have more time to engage in conversations here, but please don't give up on me if it's not super regular.  

[Grimalkin]

Hey, I'm not an older asexual, but I'm awfully curious: Would you mind telling me how you found your asexual partner? I feel like it must have been more difficult to meet another asexual person in 2005 than it is now. 

[juliankinsaleva]

Hi Grimalkin,  

 

I think that a lot of my finding my partner was from finally making the decision that I would rather be alone than having to keep "putting out" just to get some kind of intimacy.  I began to feel like I was practically being raped physically and emotionally each time.  I had joined a couple of web dating sites and one of them had been new at the time so that if you joined, they gave you a lifetime membership if you paid their joining fees.  After 14 years of being together now, I can't remember the name of that site.  LOL  Anyway, at the time, I had to have spine surgery due to 2 ruptured discs.  I have a good friend who came and brought me to her and her family's home to recover (during the 3 weeks after the surgery) and while she and her husband were at work and their son at school, I had lots of time on my hands once I got past the worst week right after, so I got on that dating site to see if anyone had looked at my profile (one of the features of the site is you could check out who viewed your profile even if they didn't send a "show interest.")  my mate had viewed it but hadn't shown interest, but I loved his profile.  Most of the guys I had viewed were not very good at writing about themselves but matey was.  So I sent him a message and he wrote back to tell me that he'd originally seen my profile on "match.com" and had seen that I put in there that since I wasn't a paying member of that site, to please check out my profile on the other site.  He said that he did and joined because he wanted to be able to write, but that when he saw my profile on the other site, he said that he thought he didn't qualify for what I was looking for because I'd said that I wanted someone who was at least 5'10" (I'm 5'9.5") and that I liked goatees and trim beards (he didn't like to grow facial hair)...and he was/is 5'9".  I wrote him back that with his wonderful writing skills that I was definitely interested and willing to make an exception.  Also, in all the other cases when someone showed interest, they wanted to meet almost right away.  I found that I was getting all hyped up by the sound of the voice but then when I met them, I was not attracted or if I was, they wanted to get intimate physically and it was a complete turn off, so I told him that I wanted to take my time getting to know each other by our emails since he was a good writer and I am a decent writer.  He was fine with that.  Then, after we did meet, he never pushed me to get sexually physical (which to me was a great sign).  After dating for about 3 months I came out and told him that I like to cuddle and kiss and hold hands, but that I had absolutely no sexual drive.  He never came right out and said that he was ASexual and neither of us had ever heard about that label, but he never seemed interested in doing more than cuddling, kissing, holding hands and being emotionally intimate either.  It wasn't until my youngest son, who is Gay, told me about ASexuality that I realized that was me.  He did ask me if I wanted more children, and by then I'd had a hysterectomy and couldn't have more, so I told him that I couldn't and asked if that would be a problem for him, and he said that he was fine with having no children.  My kids were all adults by then anyway (in their 20's...and my step daughter in her 30's).  I also believe in "The Law of Attraction" and believe that what we put the most energy into, we can manifest, and so by deciding to no longer pimp myself out just for emotional intimacy, I had given energy to finding someone who would be able to love me for the real me, and not for sex.  In my marriage I used to tell my friends that I felt like all I was, was a pair of breasts with a vagina and that the real me was invisible to my ex husband.  Of course, to be fair, all he was (in some ways) was a means to having children, which I'd always wanted from a very early age.  He and I both have partners now who are much better suited, and we are still very good friends and get together with our mates and our kids and now grandson, all the time.  I manifested what I really wanted in this universe...a partner who could love me for my heart and soul and mind and abilities, and not just as a piece of meat.

[chairdesklamp]

This is encouraging, even though the market out here for guys who like guys is 100% cruising (going to places looking for random sex with strangers. Used to be really common in parks. I lump websites and bars into this, it's a gay term) and 100% exclusionist cisgay (as in cisgender, meaning not transgender, AND homoromantic, AND homosexual, and "exclusionist" meaning they try to keep everyone else (the bisexuals, asexuals, trans people, so on and so forth) out of ALL community spaces, which community spaces would be the only reasonable place to look for someone as looking outside could get your face smashed in in a hurry. 

 

And also, everyone that's told me they wanted to be my partner just wanted to use me for my money--not that I even HAVE money! And sex, whether I tolerated or fought it. I completely get feeling used.

 

I feel like the cards are against me many times over, but your story is really uplifting. 

 

When in August? Mine's the 23rd (ignore my stats, I always put my birthday in slightly wrong on the Web so no one steals my identity. Not that I think anyone will here, it's just a good habit to have)

[Chamomile_Serenity]

Loved reading your story @juliankinsaleva

[Heatheral]

Hi! I loved reading your story and it gives me hope for a future with someone. My last relationship (which started before I realised I was ace) had a similar problem, among several, one of us had no sex drive and the other most definitely did. We only split up a few months ago so I'm not ready yet but I hope one day to find someone who I can share a home and life with. Thank you for sharing! 💜