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Asexual in a relatioship with sexual partner - need advice!


Anacewithgrace

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Anacewithgrace

Hi there! I'm very new to asking for advice on forums, so I'm sorry if any of this seems out of place

 

So I (18F) believe I am asexual. I've had this thought for a few years now and I've never really been in a situation to question it until now. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend (19m) for over a year now. I love him so much and I probably want to marry him. The main issue that has occured, however, is that he is much more sexual than I am. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc, but it has never gone past making out. We are also each others first relationships, so neither of us have any experience.

 

I told him about it about 3 months in and he didn't take it well at first. He got better with it as time went on, but the farther along we got into the relationship the more prevelant the topic became. He asked me about it one day and I just became so overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt of not being able to give him everything that he wants. We soon figured out a non-physical compromise that seemed to work for him for a bit.

 

He's brought up the idea of initiating something more physical and I truly don't know how to approach it. I've been thinking about trying more, but it would really be only to satisfy him. I told him that I would have to be the one to initiate otherwise I would get freaked out. He's so supportive of me and does his best to make sure I am comfortable, but I know this is a need that he has and I want to be able to make him happy as much as I can.

 

I'm mainly looking for advice on how to approach starting stuff from people who have been in a similar mixed relationship. I've looked at so many forums and articles about it and I'm trying to keep the idea of me being guilty or feeling broken out of my head, but I just need to get my own experience out there to get the best advice

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kumiko_itoe

I am in the same type of relationship where I am asexual and my husband is sexual. 

 

The main thing is that your partner is supportive. This is an extremely important factor. Being only 19, he not taking it well at first is quite alright. He did come around after that. 

 

For you to successfully initiate and be able to satisfy your partner, you have to stop feeling guilty or broken. There is nothing wrong with you. I like to use the example where one person loves curry and spicy food while the other prefers the desserts. Just because you love the colour blue and your partner loves the colour yellow doesn't make either of you wrong. 

 

When you say "how to approach starting stuff", do you mean initiating the sexual process? 

 

 

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everywhere and nowhere

Don't do things which make you uncomfortable. If you are scared of having sex, trying to do it anyway could be traumatic for you. Sure, your boyfriend may feel upset about it. But you too have a right to care about your own wellbeing - and it may turn out that you are sex-averse and that you can only live a happy life if it doesn't include sex.

I have never had sex (which I'm glad about). I never truly had to consider compromise issues because I have never been in a relationship (which I'm not glad about). However, I feel that exactly my sex aversion gives me a kind of substitute insight into such problems. Sex is a serious issue, not something to be taken lightly. Sex aversion is real. People who treat sex as "no big deal" and encourage this kind of approach simply don't realise that for some people sex may be overwhelmingly frightening. Such people simply will not be able to approach it this way.

I admit that it makes me feel bad to realise that most asexuals in mixed relationships seem to have sex. I realise that I personally just couldn't do it, so such a realisation makes me feel anxious about my odds. (But still - a same-sex relationship is the only option for me, and it seems plausible to believe that among women there are more individuals who would be fine with a sex-free relationship. On the other hand, most women aren't interested in same-sex relationships... :( Really, just a deep friendship would be enough for me, but this is something I haven't been able to achieve again for the last 15 years. :() But still it doesn't make me feel "broken" or regret my sex aversion. I'm proud to make my own choices, to not give in to sociocultural pressure and maintain a sex-free lifestyle instead of trying to do something which, with 99,99% certainty, would be either traumatic or (even more likely) simply impossible for me (I feel that I would panic long before "actual sex"). You are not "broken" either and nobody should expect you to change who you are in order to make yourself more fit to be in a "normal" relationship.

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NickyTannock

@Anacewithgrace A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

However, I have two pieces of advice that I've seen;
Make a semi-random schedule for sex, so that you can mentally prepare for it and it doesn't become monotonous for your partner.
Then, get a pack of those cards with romantic and sexual acts on them, discarding the ones you aren't okay with, and picking at random on the day.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Graceful Violet Cake,

m5dpms5sn05duxr13pbh.jpg

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everywhere and nowhere
1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

In my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

However, I have two pieces of advice that I've seen;
Make a semi-random schedule for sex, so that you can mentally prepare for it and it doesn't become monotonous for your partner.
Then, get a pack of those cards with romantic and sexual acts on them, discarding the ones you aren't okay with, and picking at random on the day.

And this is the problem: that such advice is usually about how to have sex when one doesn't actively desire it, not about reassuring a person that not having sex is a valid and possible choice.

I'm consciously trying to fill this gap. I wouldn't say that I'm fundamentally against aces having sex - it's any person's own choice to make. However, I'm sex-critical and I see a lot of deeply concerning things in sexuality. So I could say that I'm against:

  • All and any sexual pressure.
  • Sex-averse people forcing themselves to endure sex because they have been taught that they don't even have a right to expect a nonsexual relationship.
  • People agreeing to sex because they are too anxious to refuse.
  • Sex enthusiasts who don't even think of the fact that for some people sex can only be a negative, traumatic experience.
  • And other such similar situations, with a certain thing uniting them: even when they don't cross into territory of outright violence, they are inherently coercive.

However, an important thing to note: I'm not against people who make these decisions, I'm against such situations. Out culture and society are to blame, not people who are thrown into this world without being told that their feelings are just as valid. This motivates me even more to individually provide what is generally missing in our culture: advice meant to reassure people that they always can decide not to have sex. We have a choice. Of course, our choices have their consequences. But I can at least remind that sometimes, for some people, not having sex may be the best possible choice.

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NickyTannock
22 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

And this is the problem: that such advice is usually about how to have sex when one doesn't actively desire it, not about reassuring a person that not having sex is a valid and possible choice.

I saw that you had already reassured them that not having sex is a valid choice.

 

My advice was in response to this,

On 4/26/2019 at 7:11 AM, Anacewithgrace said:

I'm mainly looking for advice on how to approach starting stuff

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