Daphnaea Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 A guy at work asked me out for coffee. I went, and we had a nice time. We agreed to have lunch this weekend. I did not feel comfortable bringing up my asexuality on the first date. I do feel that I ought to tell him on the second so that if it's a deal-breaker for him he won't feel that I've led him on, and we won't waste time pursuing something that can't go anywhere. However, I'm not really out yet. Even my family doesn't know, and I'm not sure of the best way to bring it up or try to explain it. I would very much appreciate any advice on the best way to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 If you want to discuss asexuality with anyone they ought to have the proper education first. Lead them to this site and have them do a bit of reading. Then ask them what they think about it. You need never admit that you are asexual. Just say you found the site interesting. If they do their homework, they will be ready to tell you all about what they think. This will give you a clue as to how they might react if you told them about your asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
greyisnotacolor Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 This is honestly a tough one, and I say this from a place of real study and trying to figure out the best way to do this exact thing you are trying to do. The truth is: there is no 'right time' to tell someone about your asexuality. When you build a relationship with someone whether it is friendship, potential partnership, business, all of it can be based off of a first impression, or a long term connection. You would tell a friendly girlfriend you're into Taylor Swift, but you might not tell your crush that. They don't need to know, so why disclose it, right? When I came out to my boyfriend as asexual, the discovery of asexuality was a joint effort. I didn't even know I was asexual until he brought it into our relationship as a solution to some of the sexual problems we were having in the bedroom. After doing my own research and discovering that this was exactly what was happening to me...it took us a long time to figure out what the next steps to our relationship would be. He wants children and a family, is very sexual and I am not. I'd like kids, but I'm not in a terrible hurry; plus, I'm a big advocate for adoption and he really wants a batch of his own. Coming out as asexual tested our relationship in ways we hadn't imagined, and by this time we were already into it two whole years. It's been a year since my asexual discovery of myself and we're still together. We have a schedule, work through the bumps in our relationship by really talking things out (even though I still have a hard time with it myself) but I do remember feeling a bit scared when I asked him what he would have thought of me if I'd known I was asexual before meeting him. Would he still be with me today? He thought about it for a long time, but his honest answer to me would have been no. Sex is important to him, and even though it might be hard for us as asexuals to understand that, we still need to try. Part of me feels like telling you this doesn't seem to really help answer your question, but the more you know, the better you can judge for yourself what the best route is for you. The right person, no matter when you tell them will figure out a way to make it work. Everyone is different and it's up to you to determine for yourself when is the right time for YOU, and perhaps also for the person you're interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 This is the kind of thing that should probably be discussed on the first date. Since that didn't happen, the second date is the next best time. Trust me on this: Just bite the bullet and lay it all out. Have a clear idea in your head about what kinds of sexual encounters you will or will not be comfortable with in the future so you can give him examples. Be as honest as you can. Because if you withhold anything or sit on anything for too long, you risk alienating him AFTER you've gotten attached. To reiterate: Tell any prospective partner before you get attached. This isn't the kind of bomb you want to drop on them later in the game. Link to post Share on other sites
oldgeeza Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 I guess it's best to just be honest and upfront about it, you're not interested in sexual activity, you don't want to lead them astray so be honest. @Grimalkin really stated it perfectly with what she said, you need to be comfortable in yourself too, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Daphnaea Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 23 hours ago, Yeast said: If you want to discuss asexuality with anyone they ought to have the proper education first. Lead them to this site and have them do a bit of reading. Then ask them what they think about it. You need never admit that you are asexual. Just say you found the site interesting. If they do their homework, they will be ready to tell you all about what they think. This will give you a clue as to how they might react if you told them about your asexuality. I will have the website info on hand in case he wants it. 22 hours ago, greyisnotacolor said: The right person, no matter when you tell them will figure out a way to make it work. Everyone is different and it's up to you to determine for yourself when is the right time for YOU, and perhaps also for the person you're interested in. Thank you, that helps. 22 hours ago, Grimalkin said: This is the kind of thing that should probably be discussed on the first date. Since that didn't happen, the second date is the next best time. Trust me on this: Just bite the bullet and lay it all out. Have a clear idea in your head about what kinds of sexual encounters you will or will not be comfortable with in the future so you can give him examples. Be as honest as you can. Because if you withhold anything or sit on anything for too long, you risk alienating him AFTER you've gotten attached. To reiterate: Tell any prospective partner before you get attached. This isn't the kind of bomb you want to drop on them later in the game. I do want to be as straightforward and honest as possible. I certainly don't want to give him the wrong impression. And if it's a deal-breaker for him I would much rather know right away. I'm just really not sure how to bring it up or explain it. It's not something I'm used to talking about with people, so I feel kind of awkward and uncomfortable trying to plan out what to say. Sexual orientation aside, I'm not usually comfortable discussing personal things with people until I know them well. In this case I know I have to discuss something very personal with someone I am barely familiar with. Link to post Share on other sites
greyisnotacolor Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 6 minutes ago, Daphnaea said: I'm just really not sure how to bring it up or explain it. It's not something I'm used to talking about with people, so I feel kind of awkward and uncomfortable trying to plan out what to say. Sexual orientation aside, I'm not usually comfortable discussing personal things with people until I know them well. In this case I know I have to discuss something very personal with someone I am barely familiar with. When it comes to a relationship, the right person will get to know you first before trying to jump your bones. If you like this person enough to think that a possible relationship could occur, then I don't see the problem with waiting until you're more comfortable before you tell him. The only tricky side of this is knowing that you need to tell him before anything sexual occurs, or he begins to consider you in a sexual way. What I mean here is: if you told him up front on the first date that you were asexual and he knew in his heart after you told him that he couldn't date you, then he wouldn't and you'd stay friends because he still wants to get to know you organically, best case scenario. If you go into your dates and share yourselves, become emotionally comfortable with one another and, if he's dating you for the right reasons and sincerely wants to get to know you before pursuing something sexual with you, then wait until you feel like it would be important for him to know your orientation so that he can make a decision about whether or not he wants to continue on the road he's on. Best case scenario he decides it's OK and you work it out. Next best thing is that he decides he can't have that relationship with you and you can still be friends, emotionally. Yes, there are a lot of variables in between, but going off of what I mentioned above: share when you're ready, but be prepared to do it when you're not. Whether that means on the first date or a few dates in, you need to decide who this person is and how important is it for them to know that you are asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 Well, coming out later has one big disadvantage: both sides may already become emotionally invested. Telling it sooner can save heartbreak - if a relationship with an asexual is not acceptable to the other partner, it will be just a relationship which didn't work out and not something which seemed too good to be true... On the other hand, if the other partner is not a very sexual person - one that would, for example, have sex on the first date - they may feel a little embarassed about bringing up such personal topic when you are still mostly getting to know each other... Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 On 4/26/2019 at 1:58 AM, Yeast said: If you want to discuss asexuality with anyone they ought to have the proper education first. Lead them to this site and have them do a bit of reading. Then ask them what they think about it. You need never admit that you are asexual. Just say you found the site interesting. If they do their homework, they will be ready to tell you all about what they think. This will give you a clue as to how they might react if you told them about your asexuality. This is an interesting approach, but it can backfire. If you ask a person what they think about asexuality in general (even after reading the materials here) chances are their views will be heavily influenced by the societal dogma that sex is the only norm. Basically, many sexuals would think that asexuality is a mental of physical health problem that needs to be fixed. However, if you come out yourself and explain that you’re not broken and don’t feel like changing, you have a chance to “normalize” asexuality for this person. It’s not a sure-fire shot, but it’s a chance. So I’d suggest being straightforward and prepared for an avalanche of stupid questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 I don't do relationships, but I assume that there'd be some talk about past experiences and all that on a date. Personally I'd probably just leave out asexuality and AVEN and the like and keep it to a more general "Not interested in sex, it's not something that crosses my mind ever". Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 What is the sort of timeline between being emotionally invested and asking someone to be in a relationship. I mean in my opinion - usually one goes on a date (or dates) to get to know a person and decide if they want to be in a relationship with said person. Then at some point they decide they do so a conversation to that effect is had along the lines of "How would you feel being my girl/boyfriend/SO?" If the other person agrees a relationship is entered and then you start to become emotionally invested. Thus in my head, given that I would not become emotionally invested until that conversation was had since no commitment was implied I would plan to have come out to any potential partner by the time the conversation happened, during the conversation before the relationship started if necessary. Then the other person could say "oh ok well that kinda a dealbreaker for me and so I dont think its a good idea to start a relationship after all - sorry" Everyone walks away not expecting anything and moves on. However, you might kinda expect the conversation to happen soon once a lot of dates had been had,in which case it might be a good idea to tell but the above still applies. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 22 hours ago, greyisnotacolor said: The only tricky side of this is knowing that you need to tell him before anything sexual occurs, or he begins to consider you in a sexual way. That may already have happened. It isn't uncommon for sexuals to intuit that someone is attractive (meaning sexually attractive) to them and therefore want a second date, so don't wait. It shouldn't be necessary for you to get into details with him; just be honest and firm that you are asexual, and asexuals don't want sex with anyone, and you feel it's only fair for him to know that right away, because you know that asexuals are in a minority. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 27, 2019 Share Posted April 27, 2019 If only I had known for sure that I was asexual instead of just ignoring my orientation, I would have told the man I love in one of our first conversations. Probably could have saved us a lot of emotional trouble. Sure, the trouble actually helped me come to terms with my total lack of interest in having sex. But if you already know for certain, there is no reason to wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Definitely tell him. I have been open about my sexuality with women, and most have received it well. Got one ask if I was sure I wasn't gay, but that's to be expected. I laugh off the gay assumptions to be honest. That was the extent of the "poor" receptions. I then at times have been asked how and why and other questions. This tells you they're into you, and gives you an opportunity to tell them more. How have you worked it out in other relationships. Is there any middle ground? None? If he likes you, even if he were devastated to find out, he would still appreciate the honesty. I have never gotten a woman upset over the honesty. Plus it's a weight of your chest so you can focus on what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Daphnaea Posted April 28, 2019 Author Share Posted April 28, 2019 2 hours ago, Perspektiv said: How have you worked it out in other relationships. Is there any middle ground? None? This is the first time it's come up since I realized I am asexual, so it's new territory to me. Before I knew I had a boyfriend who pressured me very early to be physical with him. I told him that I wasn't ready, because that was how I felt at the time, and he didn't take it well. I broke up with him because he kept trying to talk me into having sex. My lunch date is tomorrow. I intend to tell him that I am asexual because I would rather know for sure if it's a deal-breaker. Thanks to the people who have responded. This thread has been very encouraging. Link to post Share on other sites
Daphnaea Posted April 28, 2019 Author Share Posted April 28, 2019 It went pretty well. When I told him he was very non-judgmental. He asked a lot of questions, and I had a hard time trying to explain it. I don't know if we are going to go forward as a romantic relationship, but if we don't I think we will be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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