Rice Bowl Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Female, age 21. Back in February I went on a date with this guy, and I was very upfront about the fact that I was asexual. I told him that I wasn’t against having a sexual relationship with someone, but it would never be something I actively wanted. Well flash-forward to the present and we’ve been officially dating for almost two months now. A week or so ago the topic of sex came up and I told him I wanted to wait until I was on the pill. I have my obgyn appointment next week, but I guess he was impatient because we had sex for the first time this past weekend (my first time ever). Part of me wishes he didn’t push the issue until after my drs appointment but I was tired of always saying No to him and feeling like I had disappointed him by not taking him up on his advances. But honestly I was kind of curious, and I knew I wouldn’t regret it so I don’t feel like he pressured me into it. If I really wanted to say no, I would have. But anyways, we’ve done it 3 times now and I just don’t get the point. Like he feels good and I guess that makes me happy but I don’t get any enjoyment from it. It’s not like it’s painful, but its not really much of anything. I feel like I’d be happier just having an emotional relationship, but I know he wants both a sexual and emotional relationship. Since dating is about compromises and working towards solutions, what should I be doing to get what I want from the relationship without feeling like I’m letting him down? Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 The thing is, sex is always going to be boring for you. I've been in a few long-term relationships now and the sex is, at best, slightly fun because my partner enjoys it. So... not "getting the point" kind of goes with the territory when it comes to allo/ace relationships, I'm afraid. That said, I want to briefly address this part: 11 minutes ago, Rice Bowl said: A week or so ago the topic of sex came up and I told him I wanted to wait until I was on the pill. I have my obgyn appointment next week, but I guess he was impatient because we had sex for the first time this past weekend (my first time ever). Part of me wishes he didn’t push the issue until after my drs appointment but I was tired of always saying No to him and feeling like I had disappointed him by not taking him up on his advances. Uh, no. Dude needs to chill. Yes, allo people love sex and yes, they're allowed to feel impatient, but pushing the issue when you're not comfortable with the level of birth control you have yet? That's not okay. Compromises will happen in an allo-ace relationship, and that means more sex than you would like, and less sex than he would like. Don't let him constantly push you to give more and more. At no point should he be making you feel guilty, like you're not doing enough, etc. In the best relationships, both partners are trying to give 60%. I'm in an allo/ace relationship right now. Sex is more or less scheduled, with little extras when I want to surprise him or make him feel especially loved. In return, he does not pressure me. If I say I'm not feeling it, he backs off. Mutual respect is so important. I think my point is that you need to make sure this dude doesn't feel he can guilt you or walk all over you. Yes, to stay in a relationship with him you will probably need to have both the sexual and emotional aspects, but it's his job to make sure you're comfortable and feeling secure and loved. And personally, I would wait until you're on the pill to have sex again. I realize condoms are a thing, but I would be really nervous not being on it and this is also a good time to see if he's really listening to your concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Yeah, I admit, the pill is my personal hang-up. Still worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Well uhh... Taken from Planned Parenthood, which I imagine has to be at least somewhat credible as a source: How effective are condoms against pregnancy? If you use condoms perfectly every single time you have sex, they’re 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. But people aren’t perfect, so in real life condoms are about 85% effective — that means about 15 out of 100 people who use condoms as their only birth control method will get pregnant each year. Mileage probably varies and all, but those figures definitely wouldn't be good enough for me (I would need 100%), and I think that is something that ought to be respected if one person doesn't like those odds. Link to post Share on other sites
LucindaC Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 1 hour ago, Grimalkin said: pushing the issue when you're not comfortable with the level of birth control you have yet? That's not okay. This is not a road you want to go down. Regardless of the relationship being allo/ace allo/allo whoever, that is very disrespectful of him. I know it's only my two pence, but please be careful and make sure he is going to respect your boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 You say you weren't pressured into it yet felt bad for saying no so many times. Counteractive. You need to stick to your guns. No means no. You don't owe ANYONE sex. Say it and repeat it. And do it like SpongeBob. Link to post Share on other sites
MLJ Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 6 hours ago, Grimalkin said: Uh, no. Dude needs to chill. Yes, allo people love sex and yes, they're allowed to feel impatient, but pushing the issue when you're not comfortable with the level of birth control you have yet? That's not okay. I completely agree. Personally, I would never want to trust a condom as a form of birth control if I was absolutely certain I didn't want to get pregnant. But a condom is better than nothing. Did he at least use a condom? Or is he pressuring you into unprotected sex? That's a huge red flag imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Rice Bowl Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 We used a condom and he wouldn’t pressure me to do anything without one. However, I do feel like he would trust the pull out method but that’s DEFINITELY a no go for me. If I told him no or to stop, I know he would stop. And he’s never told me that I was a disappointment or anything. When I tell him I feel broken he says I’m perfect the way I am. I guess it’s hard to change my own mentality though. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 Dude sounds bad for you, regardless of if you're ace. Bad for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangø Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Everyone is different I know but it only took you two months to feel comfortable and happy enough with him to have sex, and not just that but lose your virginity, that's a huge deal and he shouldn't have pressured you to have it prior to your drs appointment. It sounds like you need to talk to him and voice how you feel about sex, how you'd prefer an emotional only relationship and maybe come to some agreement because you shouldn't do it just because it makes him happy, your happiness matters too. Perhaps you could schedule sex like @Grimalkin mentioned she does in her allo/ace relationship? All relationships are about communicating with one another and for you both to happily move forward in the relationship it seems you need to communicate a little more Link to post Share on other sites
Samule Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Another recommendation for putting this one down to experience and moving on. Not for me to say, possibly, but it doesn't sound like he's treated you well and the prospects of improving the emotional connection seem low to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I agree with @Mangø, as well as think your response sounds more like infatuation clouding better judgement, which is something you'll need to notice in relationships and pull your head above the clouds. As well as someone being nice not meaning their intentions are pure (though not automatically as far as evil either). For instance, I used to listen to this musician called Christopher Drew. He was the sweetest guy and sung about things like "every girl is beautiful" and such, and I still love it because he sounded so genuinely honest about it. But as he got older and got negatively influenced by his band mates (I don't think drugs, but an attitude) he did luckily realize that his actions were subconsciously done to just please others while not really comprehending the meaning. Like someone telling their partner they love them, and later finding out what being in-love really means and that they never really felt it for any of their past relationships. They just said it because they thought it was something nice to say and did like qualities about the other person. It wasn't intentional lying or deceit, it was just something they subconsciously copied while not fully comprehending. Or maybe another example could be the satisfaction of getting money from your job clouding your realization that you don't actually enjoy your job. And as of the last time I looked into Christopher, he can't even bring himself to sing his old songs because now he knows they're a lie. The same goes for your boyfriend. He's bugging you for sex in hopes you'll give in. And with how he still bugged you about it before your appointment, he's really jonesing for it. Sex could also be his only motive in this relationship. I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying it's possible, no matter how nice someone is/may seem. Which again, isn't always evil, it can just mean he doesn't realize his true motives/feelings. He could just be partaking in interaction with you because the sweet scent of sex with you is in the air and has him by the balls, dragging him through all actions with you just so he finally gets to what's at the very end. It playing in the background of every interaction with you. Even the sweetest guys can be pray to this. Some sexual people don't even know the difference between sexual and romantic attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 I wouldn't fixate on purity but also there's a difference between nice and kind, in my book... Nice = they want you to be happy with them Kind = they want you to be happy Kind is more selfless but it's also more difficult for other reasons (it might mean making someone unhappy with you personally, taking more time to think about what someone really needs, etc etc) This guy really didn't sound kind? Link to post Share on other sites
Rice Bowl Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 I guess it’s difficult to understand our dynamic from such a short story. I would say I know the difference between infatuation and real feelings. I’ve had TONS of crushes, I have liked 4 people, and I’ve never been in love. And of the 3 other guys I liked before, I never considered sleeping with them because I knew I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to ever do it with any of them. With my current boyfriend I was more open to the idea because of the connection and communication we have. Neither of us are perfect but we are very good for each other. And I wouldn’t be wasting my time on someone who didn’t deserve it. This part of having a relationship is just new to me, and I want to navigate it in a way that can make us both happy. I officially have my birth control and told him that nothing would happen again until we are both std tested and we talked about each of our expectations (as I believe someone suggested)(he agreed btw). While I wouldn’t call him my best friend quite yet, the time we spend together is so fun, and he knows and appreciates the real me. He definitely has my best interests at heart. I feel very myself and very comfortable with him, and vice versa. 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Forgot to link you to NeverShoutNever link Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 On 4/25/2019 at 5:51 PM, Grimalkin said: The thing is, sex is always going to be boring for you. I've been in a few long-term relationships now and the sex is, at best, slightly fun because my partner enjoys it. So... not "getting the point" kind of goes with the territory when it comes to allo/ace relationships, I'm afraid. On 4/25/2019 at 5:51 PM, Grimalkin said: I’m in an allo/ace relationship right now. Sex is more or less scheduled, with little extras when I want to surprise him or make him feel especially loved. In return, he does not pressure me. If I say I'm not feeling it, he backs off. Mutual respect is so important. Just wanted to second this. Very clearly explained! Link to post Share on other sites
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