hotflamincheeto Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 I have a girlfriend and I deeply love her. I'm quite a touchable person - I like hugging, holding hands, the feel of her skin, kissing (she doesn't like the french ones tho). Last night she simply laid on her bed and said 'do whatever you want to me'. Then I actually realised that I don't want to go further than this, I only kept kissing, bitting, licking her (don't judge please im into that haha). Not only I don't feel like I don't need sex, I don't even want it. I was sorry for her, I'm feeling like she may expect more of me in this department. I'm not aromantic, but am I asexual? If so, how to deal with it? any input is welcome. thanks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hotflamincheeto Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 I haven't had sex before but I'm not looking forward to it. I'm young, just 19. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Seems quite asexual to me, just sensual if nothing else. What we cannot tell is what your partner's desires or expectations are. Did she seem to enjoy herself regardless? It's very worth talking to her about. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NoraGrace Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 The definition of asexual is that you don’t experience sexual attraction. It sounds like you definitely could be asexual if you do not like the idea of sex, but you can only know for sure if you have never had sexual attraction before. Maybe research some types of Asexuality. It’s a very broad spectrum. Like @Philip027 said, you probably experience sensual attraction, but that does not mean you could not be asexual. Only you could know for sure. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 6 hours ago, hotflamincheeto said: I only kept kissing, bitting, licking her (don't judge please im into that haha). (Of course no judgement 🧡) But if you wanna do these things for your own or your partner's sexual pleasure then that is sexual activity and thus not ace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 @hotflamincheeto Welcome to AVEN! What you describe sounds like Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling. Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone. Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal. But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Sensual Attraction. There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone. There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty. There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone. And more. You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Flamin' Hot Cheetos Cake, 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hotflamincheeto Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 to reply to some of your messages: first - thank you for all the comments (did not expect a cake haha) After giving it some time; I find my girlfriend aesthetically pleasing, I do have a romantic relationship with her and because of that I find sensual pleasure with her. I do not do it for her pleasure only, but also mine. I'm just not sexually attracted to her or anyone else. thanks for clarifying these things to me. I think we'll have to talk a bit about this. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Quote I do not do it for her pleasure only, but also mine. What kind of pleasure are you referring to here? Sexual pleasure? Or is it strictly emotional pleasure? Which may or may not result in your/her sexual arousal; a byproduct but not a goal. What is the goal in doing so? For your body or hers. The goal not involving orgasm is still sexual if it's for sexual pleasure. The goal only sometimes being this still means a presence of sexuality toward others. Sensual attraction turns sexual if it's desired for sexual reasons. Quote by AVEN: An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction – they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hotflamincheeto Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 That is a difficult question. I may try to explain how I feel about it. All the sensual pleasures... I don't think that most of them would even be felt if not for the romantic feeling I have for her. It is both physical and emotional pleasure and I dount that the former could ever exist without the latter. is it sexual though? I have no concept of sexual pleasure in my mind. I can't really imagine it. any tips? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 @hotflamincheeto i.e. do you desire to do these things with her for sexual arousal? Hers or your own. Are you saying you've never felt sexual arousal? Or masturbated? (again, not bad, no judgement) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hotflamincheeto Posted April 26, 2019 Author Share Posted April 26, 2019 Sexual arousal - you mean erection and the mental things connected to it? I have expierienced it obviously but our sensual activities don't lead me to that. I do these things because they are pleasant to me and (hopefully) to her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 On 4/26/2019 at 12:47 PM, hotflamincheeto said: Sexual arousal - you mean erection and the mental things connected to it? I have expierienced it obviously but our sensual activities don't lead me to that. I do these things because they are pleasant to me and (hopefully) to her. By mental things connected to arousal, what do you mean? That almost sounds like a mental desire for partnered sexual activity. Or do you mean picturing sexual activity that doesn't include yourself? Sorry for being late, been busy and you didn't @Star Bit me or quote me so I didn't get a reply notification. And yes, you like making her happy, but again, do you want to get her turned on with these things? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Incomprehensible Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 13 hours ago, Star Bit said: By mental things connected to arousal, what do you mean? That almost sounds like a mental desire for partnered sexual activity. Or do you mean picturing sexual activity that doesn't include yourself? I can't speak for the OP. Sorry to derail the thread. This seems like more erasure of the possibility of being sexually aroused by fantasies that aren't about sexual activity, and it's frustration over this very erasure which led me to find this forum. Seems like the search result was a false positive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
a.creative Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 Sounds like you're experiencing sensual attraction. If you don't desire to have sex at all and don't care for it, then that also sounds like you're asexual. So as @MichaelTannock said, you might be a heteroromantic asexual. Really, no one can tell you what you are, only you know. We can just point you, and give you an idea to what you might be. Ultimately, you know and decide for yourself. Your confusion seems to based on the "kissing" and such sensual actions. If these actions lead you to wanting to have sex with the other person, then you might not be asexual. As sexual attraction means you want to have sex with someone. In my case, I am pretty much like you in the sensual aspect of what you described. I don't mind kissing and such sensual actions, becuase they make me feel good. But it doesn't lead me to wanting to have sex. I just don't desire it. But because I'm aromantic, I don't care if I do sensual actions or not. I'm certain I'm asexual because I have a chronic condition called PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This means I have a hormone imbalance. My testosterone levels are higher than normal causing a high sex drive/libido, but I have no desire to have sex. I only recently started to understand asexuality so, again, you know and decide for yourself. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 @Incomprehensible Well yah, most people's sexual fantasies are explicitly sexual, but not all. Me asking for clarification and running off ideas doesn't mean erasure. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 On 4/25/2019 at 2:18 PM, Star Bit said: (Of course no judgement 🧡) But if you wanna do these things for your own or your partner's sexual pleasure then that is sexual activity and thus not ace. Kissing, nibbling the neck and say licking ears does not make sexual attraction nor partnered sexual activity. My partner enjoys nibbling and licking my nose ... that certainly isnt a thing I consider part of our sex life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 37 minutes ago, Serran said: Kissing, nibbling the neck and say licking ears does not make sexual attraction nor partnered sexual activity. My partner enjoys nibbling and licking my nose ... that certainly isnt a thing I consider part of our sex life. If it is desired for one's own / a partner's sexual arousal, and is not simply something that can result in arousal, IT IS partnered sexual activity. Is it traditional sex? No. Personally I call it secondary sex because we've had others on here asking if they're ace. The goal of orgasm is irrelevant. This desire regarding the partner's sexual reaction rather than one's own is irrelevant as well because many sexual people get off on sexually satisfying their partner rather than themselves and desire sex for this very reason rather than simply enjoy it. One time there was a post about a guy that regularly wanted to satisfy his foot fetish with his partner and then masturbate to it. Is that asexuality? No. Is it traditional partnered sexual activity? No. But is it partnered sexual activity none the less? Yes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 11 minutes ago, Star Bit said: If it is desired for one's own / a partner's sexual arousal, and is not simply something that can result in arousal, IT IS partnered sexual activity. Is it traditional sex? No. Personally I call it secondary sex because we've had others on here asking if they're ace. The goal of orgasm is irrelevant. This desire regarding the partner's sexual reaction rather than one's own is irrelevant as well because many sexual people get off on sexually satisfying their partner rather than themselves and desire sex for this very reason rather than simply enjoy it. One time there was a post about a guy that regularly wanted to satisfy his foot fetish with his partner and then masturbate to it. Is that asexuality? No. Is it traditional partnered sexual activity? No. But is it partnered sexual activity none the less? Yes. The OP doesnt sound like kissing and nibbling is a fetish they are going to masturbate over later. It sounded like thats just where interest stops - before it gets sexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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